The Longing

by Wendy Lindstrom

  “Like hell. I’m sleeping right here on the bar.” Kyle drank down half of the golden-brown liquid in his mug then let the heavy bottom thunk back on the bar. “Why are women afraid of sex?”

  “They aren’t.” Boyd glanced at Richard. “Are they?”

  He shrugged. “Some don’t like it much, but I don’t think they’re necessarily afraid of it.”

  “Why should they be? It’s not like we drag them by their hair to the bedroom,” Kyle said, glad he could commiserate with his own gender.

  “Maybe that’s your problem, Kyle.” Boyd wiggled his eyebrows. “Amelia might like that.”

  Kyle snorted, but Richard’s laugh made Kyle feel like belting him. “What’s so damned funny, Cameron?”

  “Nothing, I was just...listening. I’m sorry you’re having problems.”

  “Not as sorry as I am.” Kyle lifted his mug to salute his friend. “I’m the sorriest son of a bitch here. Somebody shoot me and end my misery.”

  A pair of handcuffs clanked onto the oak bar beside Kyle and he looked up to see Duke standing beside him with a badge on his chest and a revolver strapped to his hip. “I would help you out, but I’m still on duty.” Duke’s sharp gaze surveyed the tavern as if trouble might be lurking somewhere in the shadows. “What am I missing here?”

  “Kyle hasn’t consummated his marriage yet.”

  “Great. I get to be humiliated here, too.” Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose, his thoughts growing duller by the drink. “What the hell am I going to do?”

  “Don’t ask me,” Duke said, leaning against the bar, crossing his arms over his wide chest. “I stay away from virgins and marriage.”

  “Good advice.” Kyle eased back on his stool. “Thanks for offering it too late.”

  “What’s Amelia afraid of?” Boyd asked.

  “I don’t know.” Kyle glanced to either side to make sure they weren’t being overheard. Satisfied his personal life was being shared only by his brothers and his best friend, Kyle rested his mug on his thigh and looked at Boyd. “She was scared to death on our wedding night. I couldn’t force the issue with her, and I haven’t been able to since.”

  “No wonder you’re nuts,” Boyd said, his voice sympathetic. “I’d say the hell with it and visit one of my affectionate friends.”

  “No you wouldn’t.”

  “I would!” Richard declared. “You have rights, Kyle. If Amelia isn’t performing her wifely duty, you’re entitled to seek comfort elsewhere.”

  Kyle dismissed their comments. He didn’t know about Richard, but Boyd wouldn’t cheat on his own wife any more than Kyle would.

  “Maybe you’re too aggressive,” Duke said. “Maybe you just went too fast with Amelia.”

  “I told her I’d slow down.”

  Duke braced his hand on the bar. “Well, maybe you need to be less threatening and just, I don’t know, lie on your back and let her take control of things.”

  “I’d bind my hands and hang from the damned bedpost if that’s all it would take.” Kyle leaned his elbows on the bar and set his glass down. It clinked against the handcuffs and he nudged them aside with the bottom of his mug. The cool metal glimmered up at him, glowing and shimmering in the lantern light until Kyle couldn’t seem to draw his gaze away. “Duke, do you have another set of cuffs?”

  “Of course. They’re at the office.”

  “Give me the key to this set.”

  “What for?”

  “Just give me the key.” He turned toward his brothers and Richard. “Keep your fat mouths shut about this.”

  A wicked grin broke across Boyd’s face. “What I wouldn’t give to see this show.”

  Chapter Twenty-four

  It was just after dawn when Amelia staggered across the lumberyard, but the instant she opened the heavy wooden door of the mess hall, the clamor inside threatened to deafen her. Men yelled ribald comments at each other while slinging food onto their plates. Wooden-legged chairs were dragged beneath denim-covered bottoms, screeching loudly across pine floorboards until it raised the hair on Amelia's neck. Serving ladles whacked plates then clanked back into the pans before they were hoisted and banged in front of the next man at the table.

  To Amelia’s surprise, her mother stood by the stove with her apron on seemingly oblivious to the painful din. She’d been helping with lunch and supper, but Shorty had been the king of the breakfast hour. By the look on his face, he viewed her mother’s presence as the ultimate invasion of his privacy.

  “Good morning,” Amelia said, sagging against the doorframe, praying she wasn’t going to embarrass herself by losing her stomach in the mess hall. God, she felt awful.

  Not one person heard her. She squinted against the noise as the ache in her head mushroomed. With deliberate intent Amelia walked to the stove, removed two lids from the pots, and turned to the rowdy group before her. She lifted the lids and slammed them together with the force of a lead cymbal man in a marching band.

  Ears that were accustomed to screaming saws and crashing lumber were not as fatigued at five-thirty in the morning. Heads jerked up and forks clattered to the table as every man present sought the source of his abuse. Her husband stared at her in shock, his eyes as round as the sausage patties in the middle of the table. “I guess I won’t ask how you’re feeling,” he said.

  “Never been better.” Amelia placed the lids back on the pots, then finger-combed her hair back, realizing with dawning horror that it was still hanging loose down her back. She’d been so preoccupied with wanting to know if she’d pleased Kyle last night, if he’d learned her secret, that she’d just yanked on her clothes and begged one of the men at the depot to take her to the lumberyard.

  Mortified, Amelia turned away from the room full of shocked stares and filled her bowl, but could barely swallow the first bite of her breakfast. “What is this?” she asked, her eyes tearing from an effort to choke down the gooey lump.

  “Sagamite,” Shorty answered. “It's Indian meal and brown sugar all fried up together.”

  “I did the measuring and mixing,” her mother added proudly.

  Amelia glanced around the table. “Have any of you tried this?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Nope.”

  “I'm fixin' to.”

  She waited patiently while Jeb, Ray, and Willie spooned the lumped-up gruel into their mouths. As the pasty glob registered on their taste buds, faces turned red and one by one each man repeatedly gagged on his food. Jeb and Ray got theirs down, but Willie returned the gruel to his bowl with a disgusting splat.

  “What the hell is that?” Willie demanded, backhanding the drool from his lips.

  “I just said it was sagamite, ya fool!”

  “It tastes more like sh—”

  “Willie! Wouldn't you say it has yeast in it?” Amelia asked to keep the men from killing each other.

  “There ain't yeast in sagamite,” Shorty argued.

  Amelia stuck her spoon in the middle of the lump where it stood like a flagpole on a prairie. “There's yeast in here. Mother, who showed you how to mix this?”

  Victoria pointed straight at Shorty. Insulted by her accusing finger, Shorty thrust his jaw out. “I told you three cups of meal to each cup of brown sugar.”

  “You said to each spoon of yeast.”

  Shorty's eyes rounded. “You poisoned my delicious sagamite with yeast?”

  “Well, you cut my beautiful pie to pieces yesterday!”

  “I was trying to help you serve it.”

  “Well, I was trying to help you make breakfast, you ingrate!”

  “You keep your bustles and clumsy fingers out of my kitchen!” Shorty bellowed, his face red.

  Kyle slammed his fist on the table and stood up. His expression was dark and stern and Amelia knew he was going to order her and her mother to leave the mill.

  “Kyle, wait! Mama just wants to help us. Please. This is the only way she can do that.” Before he could comment, Amelia turned back to Shorty. “Woul
d you and Mama please make the crew something they can eat so we can all get back to work?”

  Without another glance at Kyle or her mother, Amelia pulled open the door. “Wait a minute,” Kyle commanded. With her heart in her throat, Amelia ignored him and stepped outside. If he was going to chastise her, she didn’t want it to be in front of the crew.

  He followed her outside and closed the door behind him, then guided her around to the side of the building. “I thought you would spend the morning in bed, which is obviously what you should have done. What are you doing here?”

  Coming to see him, to see if she’d passed muster as his wife, but she couldn’t blurt out her question like a harlot waiting for payment. “What time did we finally go to bed?” she asked, hoping his expression would answer the question she couldn’t ask.

  “About ten o’clock for you. I was with Boyd and Richard until around midnight.”

  “What?” Amelia pushed away from the building. “We went to bed together, didn’t we?” His eyebrows lifted and her stomach flipped. “You carried me into the bedroom, Kyle. You took my dress off and we...you...didn’t we?”

  Kyle shook his head. “We didn’t consummate our vows last night if that’s what you’re asking. You’d had too much to drink.”

  She sagged against the worn wallboards, unable to believe nothing had changed between them. God, she’d wanted that first time over with. Now it loomed in her future like a disease. Even though she’d asked him to make love with her, Kyle hadn’t taken advantage of her. Some men would have jumped at the opportunity. But not Kyle. She should have known.

  “We have to consummate our vows, Kyle.”

  “I agree.”

  “Then let’s just do it.”

  “All right.”

  “Tonight.”

  A grin tipped his lips. “Go home and sleep for a few hours and I’ll come get you at noon.”

  “Noon? Won’t it be better to wait until tonight?”

  “No.” He put his finger across her mouth to stop her question, then kissed her on the forehead. “I have a surprise for you, Amy. Just be ready at noon.”

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Amelia could barely return Kyle’s smile when he swung her up into their carriage and drove to a wooded area a mile or so north of her mother’s house. She’d been expecting him to pull off her clothes and drag her into bed the minute he entered the house, but he hadn’t even glanced toward the bedroom before rushing her outside.

  Kyle secured the horses, then took Amelia’s hand and guided her into the woods and down a long narrow path. She stepped over a fallen tree limb then nearly bumped into Kyle’s back when he stopped suddenly.

  He released her hand then tested his weight on his injured leg before bracing his good foot against a huge boulder. Hooking his toes and fingers in the small crevices, he slowly scaled the side of the rock then climbed on top of the massive stone. He disappeared for two or three minutes, then returned and dusted his hands on his trousers. He squatted on the balls of his feet and looked down at her. “Give me your hand,” he said, reaching for her. “There’s no other way around.”

  Amelia glanced to her left where the bank dropped several feet into the gorge. To her right was another bank rising high overhead. Though she hadn’t realized it, Kyle had been leading her along the wide shelf of a cliff that swept down into the gorge. “Are you serious?”

  “It’s the only way to see what’s on the other side.”

  Amelia lifted a brow. “Do I really want to know?”

  “I sure hope so,” he said, his voice filled with quiet desperation. “Come on. I won’t let you fall.”

  Amelia hiked up her dress, grasped Kyle’s hand, and hooked her toe in a wide crevice. “How are we going to get off this thing?” she asked, hoisting herself up to the next foothold.

  “We’re not. We’re going to live in a cave and drink wine and forget about sawmills and contracts and obligations that wear us out.”

  “Sounds wonderful,” she said, and immediately lost her footing.

  “Whoa!” Kyle wobbled above her before regaining his balance. “I’d like to experience a night or two in our cave before you kill me.”

  Amelia snorted as she grasped a protruding shank of rock and anchored her foot. She tipped her head back and met Kyle’s twinkling eyes. “If you keep making me laugh, I’m never going to make it up there.”

  “I’ll fill the bathtub tonight if you do.”

  Amelia laughed and scanned the side of the craggy rock, then took her first cautious step.

  “There’s a ridge about eight inches above your left foot,” Kyle said, leaning over the edge, a tense expression on his face as she worked her way toward him. “Hook your right hand in that hole.”

  “What hole?”

  “Two feet to your right.”

  Amelia studied the side of the rock until she found the hole. “What’s on the other side?”

  “Something special.”

  “It better be worth scraped shins and broken fingernails.”

  “One more step. There you go. I’ve got you.” Kyle reached behind her, cupped her bottom, and hauled her over the edge. He fell backward and Amelia yelped as she slipped between his knees, her body sprawling across his. He scooped her hair back and captured the length in one hand. “I’m glad you made it.”

  “Of course I made it. I climb like a monkey,” she said, lifting her nose in haughty arrogance.

  He laughed. “I noticed your tail wagging while you were climbing.”

  She swatted his shoulder. “You owe me a bath, Grayson.”

  “My pleasure. I’ll even wash your back if you like.” He sat up and pulled her up beside him. “Your hair fell down.”

  “I noticed.” She reached up to fix it, but he caught her hands and pulled them away.

  “I like it loose.”

  His beautiful mouth was only inches away. She could tip her face back and simply lean in to a kiss. Their gazes held for several seconds, but he didn’t kiss her. He sat beside her with a relaxed, serene expression on his face. He was leaning back on one hand, his other arm resting on an upraised, bent knee. The breeze lifted his hair and ruffled the sleeves of his tan shirt. Amelia took in their peaceful surroundings then turned to Kyle. “You’re happy out here, aren’t you?”

  “I like the woods.”

  She tilted her head, searched his face. “That’s what’s different about you today. You’re not a lumber boss out here or a tense husband. You’re just Kyle.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  Despite his smile, Amelia sensed sincerity in his question and she lowered her guard. “You’re relaxed and easy to talk to.”

  A length of hair blew across her face and Kyle tucked it behind her ear, then drew her into his arms. He felt like a rock and smelled like the forest. No wonder he was at home here. The thrumming pulse in his neck beat softly against her forehead. He was strong and vibrantly alive, his body warm and vital against hers. Touching him ignited her senses and she yearned to discover his secrets, to know the real man inside.

  They sat in silence for a long time, listening to the birds, the splashing water, the breeze, as he stroked his fingers through her hair.

  Finally, he tilted her head up and looked at her. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. Then he kissed her so tenderly it made Amelia’s chest flutter. A voice inside her told her she wasn’t worthy of Kyle or his affection, but she clung to him anyhow, giving him what she could, taking what she desperately needed.

  Kyle finally eased her away and stood up. He took her hand and guided her across the boulder, then they stepped down into a cave. Amelia stopped and pressed her hands to her chest in astonishment. “I thought you were jesting about a cave. This is incredible,” she exclaimed in breathless wonder, staring at two rows of lanterns burning softly and forming a glowing walkway that illuminated both walls. “How did you manage all this?”

  “I brought them up this morning.”

  The
stone walls shimmered in the lantern light. “This is magnificent. I had no idea all this beauty was hidden in the dark.”

  She explored the jagged ceiling, but when she made it to the other end, Kyle asked her to wait. Before she could turn back, he reached down and lifted her into his arms.

  “What are you doing?” she asked with a surprised laugh.

  “Carrying my bride to her future.” He stepped out of the cave and turned Amelia to face the sparkling majesty of the falls.

  “Oh, Kyle,” she whispered, staring at a blanket of falling water.

  He stepped into a wide shaft of sparkling sunlight and lowered her to her feet. “We’re behind the falls.”

  Amelia glimpsed daylight and trees through the funnels of cascading water that dropped into a frothing pool far below them. “How did you know this was here?” she asked, awed by the beauty of the deep green pool below and the slick gray shale that glistened in the afternoon sun.

  “My father cut timber for the man who owns this land back when I was ten or so. Boyd and I found this place by accident. I was going to pound him for smacking me with a stick, but when I chased him in here, we found a secret world.”

  “It’s beautiful,” Amelia said, overcome by an urge to thrust her hands beneath the crystal water. “It’s so peaceful.” She noted the shelf they were standing on was a good six or seven feet wide and stretched twice as far to either side before disappearing into the cave they’d just exited. “What a magical place.”

  “It made a good hideout for two restless boys.”

  “I’ll bet.” Amelia lifted her face and felt the light mist from the falls kiss her cheeks. “It’s so mystical, I can almost see water fairies with glittering wings and long golden hair.”

  Kyle chuckled and stepped behind her, drawing her against his chest. “You’re more likely to see a bat with beady eyes.”

  He circled her waist with his arms and Amelia realized she needed his touch, his love. For this one precious moment, she was going to pretend that her father was alive and her parents were happy and that she was a wholesome girl worthy of Kyle’s love.