by A. D. Ellis
“Decker? Decker! Wake up! Damn, Deck, you must have been having one heck of a dream.” Katie elbowed him in the gut and unwrapped his arms from around her. “Decker? Are you awake now? What the hell were you dreaming about?” His moaning had awakened her; he’d sounded like he was being tortured.
He sat up, breathing heavily, rubbing his hands over his face. He used to think his worst nightmare was something going wrong with his business endeavors; he now knew that he very possibly was living his worst nightmare. He was falling for the one girl he should have stayed far away from; she should have been off-limits because of work and Sawyer. But turning his head to look at her beautiful mussed hair and sleepy face, he knew he could no more stay away from her than he could stop the sun from rising each day.
She reached out and smoothed her palm across his cheek. “You okay?” At his weak nod, she cocked her head as if she wasn’t convinced. “Want to talk about it?”
“No.” He just wanted to get the problem with the supplier taken care of and get home to talk to Sawyer. “Let’s just get today started so we can get back to Torey Hope.” Distracted by the vivid dream and the conflicted feelings jumbled inside, he slid from bed and hit the shower.
Katie drew her knees up to her chin and watched him disappear into the bathroom. She knew the gist of the dream; he’d been talking to Sawyer about her. Her heart longed to ease his pain and guilt, but Sawyer’s secret was not hers to tell.
**********
Later, as she finished her makeup in the bathroom, she heard Decker return to the room. “I’ve got coffee and breakfast, Bug.” He came around the corner smiling; she glanced at him in the mirror as she finished the last coat of mascara. Putting her makeup back in her bag, she walked to him with an unbelieving smirk and narrowed eyes pinned on him.
“Did you just call me Bug? As in an insect, a creepy-crawly, a BUG?” She spoke with laughter in her voice, her heart warming at the ridiculous nickname.
“Well, Kate interchanges with Katie which became Katie-did. Since a katydid is an insect, I thought Bug was sort of fitting.” He twerked her nose and smacked her on the ass before handing her a large coffee from her favorite coffee shop. “Strong and sweet, just like my girl.” He leaned in and kissed her softly. “Sorry about this morning. That dream rattled me; Sawyer and I may have some serious words, but I’m in too deep, I can’t give you up.” He kissed her again.
“I wish I could ease your worry, Decker. I also find it a bit irritating that you think I have no choice in this. Even if Sawyer had feelings for me, I’m a big girl, I think I’m capable of choosing the man I want to spend my time with.” She huffed out the last part and took a fortifying drink of her coffee. “Ahhh, sweet bliss for my tongue.” She winked at him when she caught him staring.
“I have many plans involving bliss and tongues, Katie-did, but let’s get this taken care of and get back home.” He pulled her into his side and kissed her cheek.
**********
Two hours later, they walked out of the supplier’s office. Their financial backer had paid a surprise visit and met with them when they arrive that morning. Everything checked out, as Decker had known it would, and the backer was very pleased with the supplier’s set up, employees, and procedures.
“Decker, sorry you had to waste time getting proof for me. I should have believed the reports you provided and trusted you to use only legit suppliers; that information I got about unsavory practices must have just been a ruse to slow things down or mess with someone. You? The Center+? Me? I don’t know, but I’ll think twice before I believe something like that again. You two drive safe and have a good rest of your day. My contribution to The Center+ will continue.” The man climbed into his expensive car and drove off, satisfied.
“Well, that went very well, but I’m still pissed at the amount of time we lost. Oh well, it’s over and done now, let’s head home.” Decker held her hand until they reached the car. Opening her door for her, he gave her a soft kiss. “There’s one thing I’m not upset about.”
“What’s that?” She smiled and tipped her face up to his just slightly.
“This trip gave us last night and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. I had a really good time with you, Kate. I don’t know if I’ve ever just hung out, had fun, and relaxed on a trip, at least not since I was a kid. You do that to me.” Kissing her nose and leaning his forehead against hers, he spoke softly, “Thank you for last night and for being you.”
Chapter 12
“We’re doing what?” Decker looked at Sawyer as if he’d grown a second head.
“You heard me, we are going camping. Today is Friday, Katie said she could handle stuff at work. You, me, the great outdoors. Go pack.” Sawyer tried to talk tough, but Decker could tell he feared Decker’s rejection.
“Okay, man, you and me and the great outdoors. Sounds great. I’ll go pack.” He smiled slightly at Sawyer’s obvious relief. What in the world could his brother need to talk to him about that was so huge he needed to remove him from civilization to do it? Camping was something they’d done as kids, but Sawyer was the one who enjoyed it more than Decker. Camping brought a lot of down time, Decker usually tried to keep his mind busy.
Sawyer entered the room as Decker was packing his laptop. “No way, it’s CAMPING; there is no internet, no electricity, no WORK. Just us. I need to know I’ve got your 100% attention.” His brother swiped the laptop and laid it back on the bed. “Meet me outside in fifteen minutes. Zach is letting us borrow his truck; I’ve got it loaded.” Sawyer nodded and left the room. Decker picked up the nervous energy from his brother. Something big was brewing.
**********
Kate: I’m glad you two are getting away to talk. Just remember that you love him more than anything and that you’ve always been loyal to your family. He needs your support and loyalty. Please don’t get mad at me; if it was my place to tell you, I would have already. Don’t worry about work; come back when you two are all talked out.
Smiling at her words, but feeling apprehensive, he grabbed his car charger just in case he’d be able to get any reception wherever Sawyer was taking them.
“Alright, brother, let’s get this show on the road.” Decker walked down the steps and threw his bag in the back of Zach’s truck. Texting Zach, he let him know the keys to his car were on the hook in case he needed them. He glanced at Sawyer; his brother was reading a text on his phone and a grin filled his face.
“Who’s got you all smiley and flushed over there?” He joked with his brother. It felt good to see him smile like that. It had been a long time since he’d felt his brother was truly happy.
“Just a friend.” Sawyer chuckled as he put his phone away, but his continued smile belied that statement.
“A friend, huh? Maybe a friend you’d like to turn into something more?” Decker laughed at his brother’s face.
“Yeah, I think I would, Deck. I really think I would.” Sawyer seemed surprised by his answer, but he also seemed to relax with his admission.
**********
An hour and a half later they pulled into a clearing; Decker recognized the area as a place where his dad and uncles Nicky and Jeremiah had brought them all when they were younger. There was a decent little rustic cabin to keep them safe from the rain that threatened. A short hike brought them to the cabin and they threw their bags inside.
By silent agreement, they began gathering wood for a fire. A piece of sheet metal served as an overhang from the cabin and a fire pit was located under it. They could build their fire and keep everything protected from the rain.
Never Boy Scouts, Sawyer pulled out a newspaper and lighter fluid while Decker rummaged around for a lighter. They laughed when they realized they weren’t exactly “roughin’ it.”
“I’m starvin’, please tell me you brought food.” Decker always forgot how being out in nature and doing something as simple as gathering wood for a fire could make a person so hungry.
“I had the grandmas pack us som
ething. Let’s see what they sent us.” Sawyer opened a basket and began producing all the fixings for a tried and true wiener roast. Hot dogs, buns, condiments, chips, napkins, plates. In the cooler they found ice-cold pop, potato salad, and pasta salad. “Mmmm, the grandmas never disappoint.” Sawyer grinned like a kid and began to set the food out on the table. “I think Zach said he’s got roastin’ sticks in the back of the truck, could you check? If not, we better go cut some before it starts raining.”
After three hot dogs each along with all the extras their grandmothers had included, the men were full. “I think it’s time for some beer. I know the grandmas didn’t pack any, but please tell me you’ve got some hidden under that pop.” Decker nodded his head with appreciation as his brother pulled out two beers from under the frosty ice.
After a long pull on the bottle, Sawyer leaned back in the chair and rested his hands on his knees. He took a deep breath and began to speak, but grabbed his words back and sat silently.
“Sawyer, I’ve been going over this in my head for days. You’re my brother, my twin, my other half. Aside from telling me your murdered someone in cold blood, I can’t think of a single thing you could tell me that would make me feel any different about you. If it’s something bad, we’ll talk it out, but just spit it out and put me out of my misery already.” Decker was irritated, but he also wanted his brother to understand he wasn’t going to stop loving him. Ever.
Sawyer nodded and took another long swig of beer.
“I’m gay, Decker.”
**********
They sat in silence for several minutes. Sawyer watched as his best friend played the information over and over in his mind. He felt it was best to give Decker a chance to process before speaking.
Decker heard the words over and over in his head. I’m gay, Decker.
He sat still, trying to organize his thoughts. Those three simple words changed so much, yet nothing changed. Those three words explained so much, yet he had so many questions.
“I need a moment to think. I’m going to take a walk. I’ll be back shortly.” Decker stood and grabbed another beer as he walked off into the night.
Gay.
My brother is gay.
I have a gay brother.
My brother.
He weighed the words in his mind and in his heart. Did he feel any differently? No, Sawyer was still his best friend and his brother. Nothing would change that.
My brother is gay.
He needs my support.
He’s going to face hard times.
I’ll be there for him. Always.
The sky broke open and he was caught in a deluge; within seconds his clothes stuck to him like a second skin. He finished his beer and walked back to the cabin.
Breaking through the underbrush, he found Sawyer sitting by the fire, head in hands.
“Sawyer?” Decker stood in front of his brother and motioned for his to stand up. When the men were face-to-face, Decker spoke. “You’re my brother, always have been, always will be. I wish you could have told me sooner, but nothing has changed between us. I’ll be there in any and every way that I can.” He grabbed Sawyer and pulled him into a deep embrace; communicating his love and acceptance through his touch.
Breaking apart, Decker felt a little sad at the evident relief on Sawyer’s face. It hurt that Sawyer hadn’t been sure his brother would always have his back. “Man, I’m going to get some dry clothes on then we can talk.”
Several minutes later, they sat by the fire. “So, is this a free-for-all? No limits?” Decker had a lot of questions, but didn’t want to put his brother on the spot.
“Wide open, man. Ask anything.” Sawyer felt like a different person; he’d confided in his closest friend and Decker had reacted in the way Sawyer had always hoped, deep down, that he would. No more hiding, no more secrets. He wanted to answer his brother’s questions.
“Who else knows, aside from Kate and me?” Decker knew deep in his heart that Kate couldn’t have shared Sawyer’s secret, and he respected that. He was just hurt that she knew before he did.
“You two are the only ones who know for sure. I think others have their suspicions, but have never asked.” Sawyer wasn’t completely ready just yet, but he knew the time would come soon when he told the rest of his family. Knowing he had Decker and Katie on his side meant the world to him.
“How long have you known?” Decker was having trouble wrapping his head around some things. All those late night discussions about making out and rounding bases with a girl, his brother had been fantasizing about guys?
“I think I started suspecting when I was about twelve. I remember seeing some guys at The Center who had taken their shirts off to play basketball and I thought they were absolutely beautiful. I’d seen girls and women in swimsuits and felt nothing, but an attractive guy with his shirt off made my heart beat faster. Then, in high school, poor Katie. I tried my best with her; we made out, but there was absolutely nothing there. I probably wouldn’t have told her, but she walked in on me and a ‘friend’ one day. It’s sort of hard to explain to your high school girlfriend why you’ve got another guy’s dick in your hand; we both cried, but it felt good to tell someone, she’s been my friend and support ever since. Losing her after high school was hard; I’m so glad she’s back home.” Sawyer stared into the night as he spoke.
“Dating? When? How? Who?” Decker had a hard time putting his musings into words, but he knew his brother would understand what he was asking.
“Yeah, I ‘dated’ some girls in college; had to keep up appearances I guess. I don’t think I’d completely found peace with it yet. But, then I met Adam and I slowly began to meet other gay students on campus and they’d show me places to meet guys.” Decker nodded in understanding when Sawyer mentioned his obviously gay friend, Adam; looking back, he wondered how he’d not put two-and-two together. He was pulled from his musings as Sawyer continued to speak.
“You’d probably be surprised at the number of dating apps out there just for the gay community. Some of them are for finding hook-ups, some for dates, some for relationship seekers. I had some hook-ups in college.” He paused and rolled his eyes. “Don’t look so shocked, it’s no different than Kendrick bringing a new girl back to the apartment every weekend. I dated some too. I liked most of the guys, they were fun to hang out with, they knew what I was feeling and going through; I just never felt serious about any of them...” The way Sawyer let his sentence trail off, Decker got the feeling that maybe there was someone he could picture being serious with now.
“Does the text that had you smiling earlier have anything to do with a certain guy you may consider getting serious with?” It was strange to think of his strong, muscular, athletic brother being physically attracted to and intimate with other men, but he saw the twinkle in Sawyer’s eyes when he spoke. This was the real Sawyer, he shouldn’t have to hide who he really was. He deserved to be happy. Decker knew others questioned, and if he was being honest, he had questioned it himself at one point, Is someone born gay or do they make the choice to be gay?
He thought of the nervousness and apprehension that had come from Sawyer just wanting to talk to him about his sexuality. Coming out to the rest of his family and friends wasn’t going to be easy, and those were people who already loved him. He could only imagine the pain, heartache, and turmoil his brother had endured over the years and it would probably increase ten-fold once more people knew; Torey Hope wasn’t a big town, people would talk, and that talk wouldn’t always be kind. Why would anyone choose that for themselves? The answer was clear in his mind, this was the way Sawyer was born. He could no more change his feelings than he could change the path of an approaching rainstorm.
“So, um, maybe sometime we can talk about things in a little more detail. I’m weirdly curious about sex between guys, but I think I’ve asked enough questions and taken in enough information for now.” They laughed; it felt good to just share with his brother.
“Let me know
if you need or want my help when it’s time to talk to others. I’ll be there every step of the way; Kate will too.” Decker cleared his throat and chuckled at the mention of her name. “Um, speaking of Kate.” He threw his head back and laughed, “She kept telling me there was nothing to worry about.” When Sawyer gave him a questioning go on look, he calmed his laughter and shook his head.
“From the day I talked to Kate on the phone, not knowing it was our old friend, I’ve been pulled to her. But, I hired her and she’s kick-ass at what she does. Strike one for anything between us since we work together. Then there’s the issue that she used to date you. Strike two for anything between us. Or so I thought.” Decker paused and shook his head again as he thought about his dark-haired beauty.
“I’m really relieved to hear you like guys because I may have gotten pretty close to Kate on our trip, and I was feeling all kinds of guilty that I’d made a move on the girl you may have still had feelings for.” The brothers laughed and Sawyer clapped him on the back.
“She’s a gorgeous girl; she’s almost perfect, but she’s not packin’ anything I’m interested in. Although, despite our brotherly loyalty, if you every hurt her, I’ll have to kick your ass.” Sawyer smiled at his brother through the seriousness of his statement.
“She’s got feelings for you too, man. She told me. In fact, she’s the one that insisted on this little talk; if not for her, who knows how long I would have kept hiding. She was shocked to find out I hadn’t told my family. She encouraged me to talk to you so you’d know it was okay to have feelings for her.” Sawyer sobered, “What are you going to do about working with her? You’re such a rule follower, is she your one ‘freebie,’ your one ‘exception?’ You know that Zach and Kendrick live by the motto, ‘There’s always some wiggle-room’ when it comes to rules.” Sawyer watched in amazement as his straight-laced, by-the-books brother got a soft, dreamy look in his eyes.