The Girl of Tokens and Tears

by Susan Ward

  We roll to a stop at the lights in the downtown stretch of freeway. I glance at him out of the corner of my eyes. All the time we’ve spent outdoors has darkened his tan to a rich bronze. It makes his bright green eyes just pop from his face. There are more sun streaks in his brown hair. Probably because of all the saltwater and surfing. I like that he never pulls the long waves into a ponytail. Some guys are made for long, messy hair. Neil is definitely one of them. Even that outfit seems to make him look better. He’s wearing a pair of faded shorts, a baggy t-shit, and flip flops. He looks hot today, even sitting there all distant and jerk-like.

  A honk makes me return my focus to the road. Crap, green light. I wonder how long I sat there checking him out.

  I put the car in gear and start driving again. Ten minutes later, I turn onto the highway to the mountain.

  “This may surprise you,” I say, a touch sarcastically, “but I don’t know where Knapp’s Castle is. You’re going to have to start talking soon if you want us to get there.”

  Neil rakes his hand through his waves, lets out a poorly concealed long, slow breath, and then turns to look at me.

  “Sorry. Just got a lot of shit on my mind,” he says.

  “Good or bad?”

  He shrugs. “Depends on how you look at it.”

  He pulls out his cigarettes and lights one. He adjusts how he’s sitting, as if uncomfortable in his seat, and my eyes follow his hand as he adjusts himself there.

  I look quickly away.

  Neil points. “Turn right, there at Old San Marcos.”

  I turn onto an unfamiliar road that is extremely intimidating. Narrow, curving, and a sharp uphill incline. I turn out on the shoulder before I enter the one lane nightmare.

  I unbuckle my seatbelt. “You drive.”

  Neil gives me an irritated stare. “You give up too easily. You can do this if you try. It’s not that bad.”

  I climb from my seat and slam the door. “I don’t know where we’re going and I’m not driving up that.”

  Neil climbs from the car. He holds my shoulders, shaking his head, his greens eyes full of amusement at me. “You could have done it if you’d tried. You’re such a scaredy-cat,” he says

  I watch him move to the driver’s side of the car.

  Quickly, I mock, “Did you just call me a scaredy-cat? Scaredy-cat? Such a girly thing to say for such a manly guy.”

  I make it a point to laugh obnoxiously loud at him.

  He arches a brow. “Fine. Would it have been better if I called you a pussy?”

  The blood jolts in my veins. He’s pissed, suddenly pissed out of nowhere. I always insult, we always trade barbs. They bounce right off him most of the time. Why did that one piss him off?

  I sink onto the passenger seat. Neil is confusing and weird today. He turns the ignition, puts the car in gear, and speeds away from the shoulder with more speed than I think is necessary.

  After the first three hairpin turns I’m really glad I made him drive. The road is intense and slow going, and I’m definitely not a fan of the blind-turns as we move up and up the mountain. But it is pretty up here. Lots of old oak trees and tall, brown grass covered fields.

  I wonder what it would have been like to grow up like Neil. Always having to invent your own ways to have fun, surrounded by a big family, lots of friends, doing nothing at all, and belonging somewhere. Normal, instead of how I was raised. It’s probably why he’s so comfortable in himself. It’s probably why I’m never comfortable in me.

  I lean my head back against the seat and close my eyes. No, Chrissie. No. Don’t go back into the lockboxes. Things are better this year.

  After the long drive, the car stops. I open my eyes. There’s nothing here. A dirt road blocked by a rusty fire gate. But there are cars parked all over the clearing.

  “Knapp’s Castle?” I ask.

  Neil laughs. “I can’t believe you’ve never been up here. What the hell did you and Rene do for fun in high school? Just clubbing and the beach?”

  I ignore that. It’s not worth pointing out that I was locked away for eight years in boarding school. It’s also not worth pointing out that clubbing and the beach are normal things people do in Santa Barbara.

  He climbs from the car. “It’s a short hike. Not bad. It’s worth it when you get there.”

  A hike? So we’re hiking today. He moves on toward the gate without even waiting to see if I follow. He plants his hands on the top rail and effortlessly pulls the rest of his body over.

  I stop at the gate. I stare. There is a no trespassing sign.

  “Ignore that,” Neil says. “Everyone comes here. It’s open to the public. I don’t know why that sign is there.”

  I start to work my way through the wide spread bars, but he shakes his head, amused. He makes an aggravated gesture with his hand for me to move closer to him. Without warning, his hands take hold of my sides and he lifts me easily over the bar.

  He sets me on my feet. “It’s easier my way,” he says.

  I glare up at him, adjusting my clothes back into place. I’m really regretting the clothes I put on this morning because my shorts suddenly feel too short-short. They rode up for some reason when he lifted me. And I’m definitely not loving this tight tank with bikini top underneath. My boobs also got all out of whack, being manhandled over the barrier.

  I look up to find Neil watching me, looking annoyed. I stop fiddling with my clothes. He shoves his hands into his pockets and starts walking.

  “Come on,” he says.

  We start walking up the dirt path to whatever is at the end of it.

  “There are a lot of cars parked at the gate,” I say. “This must be a popular place. Is it always crowded up there?”

  “Nope. Never crowded. Hardly anyone ever comes up here.” Neil sighs. “As for the cars, I should have told you, but this is sort of a family thing with my cousins. We all take off this weekend. They go back to school. I go back to mops and brooms. We always just get together here at the end of a holiday. Just sort of a family thing we do.”

  My eyes round. A family thing with his cousins. It surprises me that he wanted me to tag along with him today. He hasn’t let me within ten feet of his family since that day I met them.

  “So what is Knapp’s Castle?” I ask.

  Neil shrugs. “Just some mansion that was built. I don’t know when, around the early nineteen hundreds. Then there was a fire, like thirty years later, and ever since it’s sat there, in ruins. It’s cool though, trust me.”

  A burned out mansion. Interesting.

  “Lots of people believe it’s haunted,” he says, amused. “People get swept away with such bullshit, but we used to come here on Halloween when we were in high school.”

  “Why haunted?”

  “The rumor is, some rich guy built it for a woman he loved. She never came to him here. So when it burnt down he left it that way and now he haunts it.”

  I smile. “I like that story. It’s romantic.”

  Neil’s eyes darken. “Only a girl would see that as romantic. Building a house for someone who doesn’t want you and then losing everything by fire.”

  I roll my eyes. “Well, it doesn’t sound romantic the way you put it.”

  Neil frowns. “It’s not romantic any way you put it. There is nothing romantic about loving someone who fucks up your life.” He says that practically through gritted teeth.

  I focus on the path as we continue to walk. I wonder if it’s her, if she’s what has him acting grumpy and weird today. I don’t know Neil’s ex-girlfriend’s name. He’s never mentioned it. We don’t pry into each other’s shit from the past. I stare down at my feet. We both have shit from the past.

  I freeze when we get to the top of the hill. It is only a burned-out mansion, but it’s incredible. The edge of the cliff is covered with old sandstone and wood, arches that were something once, steps, and some walls. Just ruins. Neil was right about that. But through the arches is pouring the sun, and everything has a st
unning orange patina.

  The sound of lots of people floats downward from somewhere.

  Neil gives me a slight smile. “I thought you’d like this, even if all my cousins are here. I should have probably asked if that’s OK with you before I brought you here.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I like your cousins.”

  Casually he drapes an arm around my shoulder. “Come on. There should be food. Music. If we stay after dark there’ll be a fire. It’s usually pretty chill when we get together up here. I promise. It won’t be awful.”

  I laugh. It almost sounds like Neill is dreading this.

  When he reaches the stone steps, his arm moves from my shoulder, and he takes my hand. Carefully this time, he guides me upward with him.

  At the top step, I stop. Beyond the pillars are rolling green foothills, the city, the ocean, and the islands. But that’s not all I find. The dirty, speckled wood floor is set up for a lazy afternoon in the sun, and practically overfilled by people. It’s not just the cousins. It’s a couple’s thing, and instantly confusing why Neil brought me here.

  I don’t have time to figure out that one. Mia Stanton’s eyes have locked on me. Her pretty face is awash with excitement. She starts hopping on her feet pointing at her brother Taylor and saying, “Pay up. Pay up. Pay up.”

  Taylor shakes his head. Mia laughs. She looks at me. “I knew you were the girl Neil doesn’t talk about. I knew he would bring you today. I won the bet.”

  Neil closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Fuck, Mia, can you be less tactful? I really want to know. Does it get worse than this?”

  Mia shrugs, unaffected, and laughs again. “I won the bet. You brought a date. I deserve some gloating time.”

  She focuses her trademark Stanton green eyes on me.

  “He never brings anyone. Not since we started doing this in high school. Not one time. Neil is so weird about his girlfriends.”

  “Why would I bring a date here? You guys are all such jerks,” Neil says, but in a good-humored way.

  Mia laughs. Unruffled. Her eyes fix on me again. “Are you really Jackson Parker’s daughter?”

  I smile, but it surprises me that Neil talked about me to his family. “Yep. That’s my dad.”

  Mia’s eyes widen, sparkly. “The family practically shit a brick when they heard that one.” Then, she teases, “What the hell are you doing with, Neil?”

  That earns Mia another aggravated grimace from her cousin. “Is the whole day going to be like this, Mia? Just tell me now so we can leave,” Neil says.

  “Why don’t you go away and get something for Chrissie to drink? You don’t have to hover over her like you’re protecting her from us.” Her gaze shifts back to me. “He thinks we’re obnoxious.”

  “You are obnoxious,” Neil corrects. “Do you want something to drink, Chrissie?”

  I notice more than a few beer cans and wine coolers around me. “Just a diet soda if you’ve got one.”

  I stand with Mia as Neil ambles away. As soon as he’s out of earshot, her gaze grows curious, sparkly again. “Did you really have a thing with Alan Manzone?”

  I blush. “We dated. Briefly.”

  She laughs. “Dated, huh? Crap. How can you be so cool about everything?”

  I change the subject, remembering something Mia said. “Haven’t you ever met any of Neil’s girlfriends? He must have had tons of them in high school. You should see how crazy the girls at Cal are over him.”

  Mia’s eyes widen. She shakes her head. “It must be slim pickings at Cal if they’re crazy over a guy pushing a broom. Now I know I made the right decision choosing UCLA.” She laughs, then blushes. “Sorry. That was kind of a crummy thing to say to you. You’re dating Neil.”

  Her gaze shifts to Neil as if making sure he’s safely out of distance not to hear.

  “He had a long time thing all through high school. Never met her. Neil has just always been sort of off from the rest of us. In his music. In his own world. Private about everything. I always just assumed she was part of the music thing. Other than Josh Moss, I never met any of the guys in Neil’s band. He didn’t bring them around the family either. I figured he just didn’t want to get more shit. God, his dad gives him such shit about not going to college and the music thing.”

  “Mr. Stanton shouldn’t give him shit. Neil is an incredible musician.”

  Mia’s smile is beaming. “That’s what I think, too.” She shakes her head. “But the family. They think he’s being irresponsible and fucking around in his life.”

  Mia takes my hand, pulling us towards the rest of them. “We’re going to be great friends. I just know it. Now I’ve someone to hang with when I’m in Berkeley.”

  Seven hours later, I’m lounging on a blanket, the party is still raging, and I’m trying to follow Mia’s nonstop talking.

  Neil sinks behind me. He startles me by pulling me between the V of his legs, easing me back against his chest, and surrounding me with his arms. He’s been very boyfriend-like today. Keeping me close to him. Never leaving me for a moment by myself with his cousins. Touching me randomly. Making sure I always have what I need.

  Why is he doing this? It feels odd. It’s almost like he wants his cousins to think we really are a couple.

  A small fire flickers, pops, and dances from a portable fire pit, and it is dark on the mountain. The laughter, drinking, and music hasn’t stopped all day. The cousins definitely like to party. Some of them are drunk. Some of the cousins are a little high.

  It surprises me Neil didn’t take a hit from the weed being passed around. He seems like a guy who would smoke weed. But no weed. No booze. There is still a lot I don’t know about Neil.

  I smile at Tony as he crosses the wooden floor, hand out stretched with joint.

  “Come on, Neil. You’re more fucking fun when you’re high.”

  “Get that away from me,” Neil says brushing him off.

  Tony laughs. “I get it. I get it. Want to keep sharp tonight. I definitely would if I were you.”

  He leans into Neil. I can hear him say something, but I can’t catch the words. Every muscle in Neil’s body hardens at once. I’m looking over my shoulder just as Neil gives his cousin a hard shove back.

  “You’re fucking wasted, Tony. Get out of my face.”

  Tony laughs and goes back to his girlfriend.

  After about five minutes, Neil’s face moves until his cheek is warm against my neck, his lips almost touching my ear. “Let’s get out of here,” he says in a low, angry voice.

  I search his face. Shit, what happened here? Neil is keyed-up and fuming.

  He doesn’t wait for my answer. He pulls his arms and body from me. He springs to his feet.

  “We’re going to head out,” he announces to no one in particular.

  Mia, sitting on the other side of the blanket, sits up in alarm. “No. Don’t go. It’s still early.”

  Neil holds out a hand for me. “We’re out of here,” Neil snaps in a harsh and angry way.

  My eyes round, trying to figure out what changed everything. His rude manner with Mia makes no sense.

  Without saying goodbye to the rest of them, Neil starts pulling me toward the stairs. I send quick waves here and there. Over my shoulder I see Mia hold up her hand, pinky and thumb, wiggling it by her ear. She mouths: Call me. I nod. Of all of Neil’s cousins, Mia is my favorite. She scribbled her number in black ink on my wrist four hours ago.

  He starts tugging me faster along behind him. We’re on the path going back to the car. It’s dark. I can hardly see where I’m going, and it’s really hard to keep up with him.

  I shake my hand from his and stop. “Slow down. I can’t walk that fast.”

  Neil turns toward me. “I need to get out of here. Like now, Chrissie. Or I’m going to go back there and punch my cousin.”

  My eyes widen.

  “OK. But I can’t walk that fast.”

  With his hand, he rakes back his hair. “I’m sorry. I’ll walk slower.”<
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  We walk the rest of the way to the car. Neil unlocks my door, opens it, and then sprints around to the driver’s seat. He’s practically running for his door when he usually lumbers. I barely have my seatbelt latched before he’s maneuvering us quickly down the mountain.

  I push back in my seat, turning just enough toward him so I can see him. The tic in his cheek is working double time. His jaw is tense. He shifts through the gears aggressively, not smoothly. He’s silent. He’s pissed off.

  When we get to Neil’s parents’ house, he doesn’t park in the driveway. He pulls ahead, under a tree, out of view of the front windows.

  He turns off the car. Silence. He takes several hard breaths, in and out, as if he’s trying to calm down.

  “I fucking hate them sometimes,” he says on a ragged exhale of breath. “I’m sorry I did this. I’m sorry I took you there.”

  My eyes widened. He sounds really upset. “Your cousins are nice. I had a good time.”

  I watch his expression change several times. Finally, he looks at me.

  “Tony said something about you before we left. Did you hear it?” Neil asks.

  He looks nervous about this. Worried. Furious.

  I shake my head. His expression tells me I don’t want to ask what Tony said. Tony was really wasted tonight. I can’t imagine what could change Neil from calm, smiling Neil to anxious and enraged Neil.

  I take in a breath. “No.”

  His jaw and mouth tighten and untighten, several times.

  “Tony was wasted,” I say.

  “Tony is an asshole. He thinks he knows things he doesn’t. He says things he shouldn’t. He’s an asshole.”

  God, he’s really angry, and for some reason, really distraught by a rude comment made by his wasted cousin.

  “I had a good time today, Neil. Don’t let Tony ruin what was a pretty fine day. He’s your cousin. Let it go,”

  Neil’s eyes shift towards me. He searches my face, and then a ragged, exhale of breath pushes its way from his chest into the air. He starts to unbend.

  “I had a good time with you,” he says. “I always have fun when I’m with you.”