New Cardiff

by Charles Webb

  ‘Queen Vera,’ Colin said, looking at his pie.

  ‘I could never do this.’

  ‘What would your duties be. You’d have a crown?’

  She shrugged. ‘I’m sure he’d come up with some sort of queen outfit. There’s an annual Fall Festival next month. I’d preside over that. The local merchants would be photographed with me for ads. He says the motel owners would all be falling over themselves to give me a free room. But really, Colin, this isn’t something you think I should seriously consider, do you.’

  ‘It could take over your life.’

  ‘They’d actually hire me for this. The town would actually pay me. Oh, and I’d promote their water, that’s another thing he wants me to do.’

  ‘I drank some of that.’ Colin pulled a napkin out of an aluminium holder at the side of the table.

  ‘He wants to build an ad campaign around me when they start marketing it. TV spots and personal appearances around Vermont.’

  ‘You’ll definitely need a crown for that.’ He set the napkin in his lap.

  ‘God, you should have heard him on this subject. Walking around his office, waving his arms in the air.’

  ‘Doug gets excited.’

  ‘He wants to put my picture on the label. At one point he even said he thought it should be called Queen Vera’s Water.’

  ‘He might want to rethink that touch.’

  ‘I should hope so,’ she said. ‘But Colin. Seriously. I really don’t know how to turn him down without hurting his feelings. Because he is kind of nice. So I can either tell him I’m flattered, but I don’t have the time, or I can be honest with him and say it’s just too ridiculous.’

  ‘Nice,’ Colin said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You think he’s nice.’

  ‘For a crazy person, I would say he is.’

  Colin picked up his fork.

  ‘But Colin, please tell me whether or not to do this.’ She reached into her bag for a pack of cigarettes, then glanced at the waitress and dropped them back in again.

  ‘You seem highly agitated.’

  ‘I am, Colin. Help me.’

  Colin took a bite of his pie. ‘What about Vera’s Treasures.’

  ‘Then there’s that.’

  ‘Would you keep it?’

  ‘I don’t know. Gemma’s been trying to buy me out for the last two years. In one way I’d be well rid of it.’

  ‘Gemma.’

  ‘You know, she has the little framing stall next to me.’

  ‘So they’d become Gemma’s Treasures.’

  ‘Colin,’ she said, placing both of her open hands on the table in front of her, ‘I know we have major differences right now. And I don’t know how to resolve them yet. You don’t either. But I have absolutely no one else to turn to for advice, so won’t you please put our problems aside for now and just be totally honest and help me make this decision.’ She sat looking across the table at him. ‘I’m so torn about this. I don’t even know why.’

  Holding his fork a few inches above the plate, Colin looked down at his pie, but instead of cutting himself a piece he just sat staring at it as Vera watched him.

  ‘Colin?’

  He remained motionless, not looking away from his plate.

  Finally she reached over and ran one of her hands back and forth in front of his eyes. ‘Earth to Colin,’ she said. ‘Come in if you’re receiving.’

  Colin lowered his fork to the table. ‘I can’t do this.’ Again it was quiet for a few moments. ‘I can’t go on with it.’

  She was frowning at him.

  ‘I’m not this kind of person,’ he said. ‘I’m not a hidden agenda kind of person.’

  ‘You’re not what?’

  ‘It’s a hoax,’ he said.

  ‘What is.’

  He picked up her family tree from the table. ‘This. It’s all a fake.’

  Vera glanced down at her tea, then back across the table at Colin. ‘You’re making no sense.’

  ‘You’ve been duped.’

  ‘Duped.’

  ‘The Queen of New Cardiff,’ he said. ‘My idea. I thought of it.’

  ‘Doug thought of it.’

  Colin pointed at himself. ‘I came up with the queen part. Doug thought up the family tree angle.’

  She looked at him a moment longer, then held up her hand to the waitress. ‘My water wasn’t hot. Can you bring another cup?’

  ‘It’s all a fraud, Vera.’

  ‘Colin, I don’t understand why you’re saying this.’

  ‘Because I was very pissed off at you. For one thing I found out what you told Mandy. About my father’s operation, as you called it.’

  She nodded. ‘I mentioned that to her.’

  ‘That he’s preparing for a life-threatening operation.’

  ‘Not in those words.’

  ‘You implied it to her, Vera. Come on. The man’s having an ingrown toenail removed.’

  ‘There could be complications.’

  The waitress appeared beside their table with a cup of hot water. ‘Is this what you wanted?’

  ‘Please.’ She pushed her other cup out of the way.

  ‘Did you want another tea bag?’

  ‘Just the water.’

  The waitress set the cup down and walked away.

  Colin watched Vera put the old tea bag in the new cup of water.

  ‘I saw a way to revenge myself on you. For tricking Mandy into moving out of the motel. For the Roger Pelham bullshit you put everybody through.’

  ‘Revenge.’

  ‘But I’m not a vengeful person,’ he said. ‘I wish I was. I must have a character flaw.’

  ‘Colin,’ she said, taking the family tree back from him, ‘why are you telling me you had anything to do with this.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s very distressing what you’re saying.’

  He nodded. ‘I know it’s distressing.’

  ‘So why are you saying it.’

  ‘Guilt,’ he said.

  ‘But why are you telling me the queen idea was yours.’

  ‘I just told you. Guilt. I couldn’t keep up the pretence.’

  ‘Colin,’ she said, ‘I’m totally baffled.’

  He watched her dip the bag up and down in her cup.

  ‘Why do you want me to believe this wasn’t Doug’s idea?’

  ‘Because it wasn’t.’

  ‘Colin.’

  ‘Vera, you’re saying you don’t believe I made this up?’

  She took a sip. ‘Of course I don’t.’ She returned the cup to its saucer. ‘Because you didn’t.’

  ‘Vera.’

  ‘Why are you doing this.’

  He looked back at her, but without speaking.

  ‘Your attitude is very odd, Colin,’ she said, ‘to say the least.’

  ‘You really don’t believe I’m behind this.’

  ‘You’ve always been a very bad liar.’

  He picked up the sheet of paper again. ‘Kendal,’ he said, finding her grandmother’s name. ‘With one “I”. That’s why it’s misspelled. I thought it had two. I wrote down as many of your family’s names for Doug as I could think of and I spelled that one wrong.’

  ‘Colin, why are you trying so desperately to take credit for his ideas.’

  ‘Credit?’

  She removed the sheet of paper from his hand, folded it and returned it to its envelope. ‘This is incredible,’ she said, putting it back in her purse. ‘I’ve never seen this side of you before.’

  ‘Vera, the whole thing is a fake. Listen to me.’

  ‘I suppose Doug didn’t go on the Salt Lake City website.’

  ‘He didn’t.’

  ‘And I suppose I wasn’t standing behind him looking at his monitor the whole time he was doing the search.’

  ‘You may have been standing behind him,’ Colin said, ‘but he loaded all that into it in advance.’

  ‘The whole Salt Lake City database of everyone’s genealogy in
the world.’

  ‘He got their home page up, copied it, then put it in there somehow along with the stuff I told him about your family.’

  ‘Really.’

  ‘I watched him do it.’

  She kept looking across the table at him a few more moments, then began to nod. ‘I’ve finally got it.’

  ‘Got what.’

  She continued to nod. ‘It just registered.’

  ‘What did.’

  ‘I’ve been sitting here, racking my brains, trying to work out why you’re doing this. And it’s so obvious. You’re jealous.’

  ‘Jealous.’

  ‘You don’t even know it.’

  ‘Of what?’

  ‘That this is happening to me,’ she said. ‘You wish it was you.’

  ‘Vera, if I had wanted to be the Queen of New Cardiff I would have thought it up for myself.’

  ‘You’re pathetic.’

  He shook his head. ‘Vera, please try to focus on this.’

  ‘You wish all this was happening to you.’

  ‘Vera.’

  ‘Be honest.