Kissing Outside the Lines

by Diane Farr

  * LIKE ME, NATALIA WAS BORN IN BROOKLYN. BUT while I have woken up around the world and settled on L.A. as my new home, Natalia has stayed true to the fair city of New York. She has also grown into a perfect representation of all it can be. She is an artist of many sorts. When I first met her she was doing PR. Then she began designing clothes. Today she is also doing jewelry. Her timing is that of a comedian, but it’s her candor that I need right now in the aftermath of this exchange with Seung’s relatives.

  Five years after meeting her at her own press conference, I beg Natalia to fit me in for a dinner while she is showing her jewels and dresses in L.A. this week. Because I need to talk to someone about this. Someone who will not be afraid of how angry I’m feeling. Natalia agrees, and on my way to meet her, I’m racing through the details of how she and Jake met so I can ask questions about exactly how she dealt with each season of sinful behavior over the past five years of her relationship with a man of another race.

  She’d known his brother, Judah, really well when they were both working different angles in the nightclub scene. Natalia knew Jake’s sister and his mother and all their friends also, but Jake was just a guy she’d said little more than “hi” and “bye” to. Until one day when Natalia and Jake got stuck outside the front door of some happening place and sparks flew. They talked all night long and decided to just walk home. In fact, they never stopped seeing each other ever again from that night onward.

  Her first instinct after getting together with Jake was: “Don’t tell anyone we’re dating.” This had nothing to do with Natalia’s being black and Jake’s being white, but rather, Natalia wasn’t sure she wanted her private life on parade. Even though Jake wanted to share their romance with the world, she asked him to keep it on the DL until they hit the two-month mark. If they still wanted to be in a relationship at that point, then he could go “blabbing it to all the world.”

  You gotta love a girl who is not hung up on ceremony or pretense.

  Natalia’s birthday is just after New Year’s and there was a dinner planned. She finally gave Jake permission to tell his brother and the rest of his siblings—five in total! Jake was relieved, but also confessed, “This could be a problem for my mother.”

  EVERYONE DRIVES IN L.A., but I’m riding in a cab to this dinner that I’ve begged Natalia to have with me, because I intend to drink profusely. I have to look out the back seat window now as I remember her first words in response to this statement by Jake, because they always make me cry. I’m trying to stop the tears before I arrive because I’d prefer that my friend not know that her first heart-to-heart with the man she loves causes me to weep every time I think of it.

  “In what way could this be a problem for your mother?” Natalia asked him.

  Not even understanding how or why this could be a problem makes me envision Natalia as a child. I see her at about four years old in a sandbox, trying to play with Jake, who says he’s not allowed to be Natalia’s friend. And when Natalia asks why, he must tell her, “Because you are black.” Jake’s family wouldn’t necessarily forbid him from playing with Natalia, but yes, later on he would specifically not be allowed to love her. And my stomach drops. It drops both for the adult woman who had to open herself up to this conversation in a Greenwich Village apartment and for the four-year-old girl in the sandbox, whose own parents tried to fill her up with love and confidence and education and resilience. Parents who probably also told Natalia that she could be anything when she grew up. Only to discover on a random Wednesday evening, thirty years later, that she could be anything but accepted by this man’s family.

  I’m wiping tears for all that good stuff Natalia’s parents gave her that could be eviscerated in one fell swoop by the admission of another—the admission of a boundary that this man does not believe in and never subscribed to, but to which he still must admit because it is part of his history. So as embarrassing as this discussion is to both these people, Jake and Natalia can never distance themselves from it because it came from the people who made Jake. And thus they both feel shame and embarrassment and hurt. And nothing will ever take this conversation, or those feelings, away entirely.

  WHEN JAKE TOLD NATALIA that his mother might have a problem with his dating someone outside of his race, Natalia had to ask, “Really?” And then a moment later ask, “People really still have a problem with that?” And thus began a conversation regarding a former girlfriend of Jake’s who wasn’t the prescribed color, either. And his mother’s cutting him off for seven years.

  What bothers me most in this story is that Natalia was blindsided. Not so much by Jake, but by America. For a long time I even doubted Natalia’s initial response to Jake because I honestly couldn’t believe that any woman could grow up in this country and not imagine that dating outside of her race might pose a problem to others. Because we have a long history of antagonizing fellow Americans for race, religion, and culture. But most especially by color.

  Still, I grew up in this country and never imagined that someone would not be allowed to date me because I am not of his race. And frankly, I found out how wrong I was the hard way—twice before even meeting Seung—and still I am consistently and completely shocked by the sentiments in his family.

  IN MY OWN EXPERIENCE, there were two men I liked, nearly twenty years before even meeting Seung, who were not allowed to date me. I was off-limits to the first because of my color—or lack thereof. He was African American, and we were sophomores in college. It was clear that his family’s interest in his dating within his race was even more definitive than my family’s. The first time I met him, he nicknamed me Eve because I was the forbidden fruit where he grew up. The name felt sexy and cute, but I knew the sentiment beneath it was neither. However, it did not frighten me. Although I was taken by surprise by it, I actually found it poetic. His parents’ xenophobia perfectly balanced my parents’ xenophobia, perhaps even canceling each other out in the universe. But there is no denying that I was totally shocked when I ended up being on the “no way” list.

  Of course, we tried anyway. The first morning I woke up in his dorm room, Matt (whom I, of course, called Adam) was running his finger across my bare shoulder. When my eyes met his he whispered, “Poor little girl, born without any color.” I think you had to be there, because we both laughed heartily. Although neither of us agreed with the mandate taught to us at home, at nineteen years old it did prevent us from moving too far forward and our relationship was short-lived.

  The following year, I transferred to a university in England and met an English man whom I “fancied.” He came from a long line of public school boys in the north of his country. He did his best to soften the blow, but it was clear that he and his people weren’t fond of Americans. I also found this shocking, yet never took it too personally because, frankly, it was absurd to me. America’s really big! How could you not like all of us? I couldn’t imagine what another culture might hold against America and Americans at this early age, but eighteen months in England and another six spread throughout Europe taught me everything even the Western world dislikes and presumes about Americans.

  But at twenty years old, I still thought I could change people’s views. I hung around this bloke and did my best to charm him. In the end it was clear that he liked me but it was not a feeling he was ever going to act upon. At the time I was mostly satisfied that I made an impression that Americans were not all “septic tank Yanks.” Now I find the effort I made extreme and doubt I would ever again work so hard to try to change anyone’s opinion of me or my countrymen. Which saddens me in its own way. But at least I got the chance to try, because when it comes to judging someone based on skin color, charm doesn’t stand a chance.

  I never imagined that a person in my social sphere, with my level of education, could be told, “White/black/American people are equal to us in all things—but still not acceptable in this house to date/to love/to marry.” And yet, I am one generation away from that conversation! I was also told by my parents wh
ich races I was allowed to love. My parents didn’t have rules about whom I could befriend or work with, just like Seung’s didn’t and just like Jake’s didn’t. But all three of us had at least one parent who openly taught us boundaries on love. Which, so sadly, must be the reason I doubted Natalia’s shock.

  But as Natalia walks toward me in the restaurant tonight, I look at her differently than I ever have. I see her shade and her features and wonder what about them, exactly, would deem them “unworthy” to someone like Jake’s mother. The answers to this question are complex, ingrained, historical, ignorant, but still I indulge them. After recalling my own experiences, I am certain that all people who venture outside the small circle they grew up with must find themselves to be the “wrong choice” to someone at some point in their lives. And if you’re a person who grew up in a household with parents who filled your cereal bowl with milk and love each morning to build your strength and confidence, you can be smacked upside the head yourself when you come to find it’s your turn to be at the bottom of the barrel on someone else’s race card.

  I smile as Natalia reaches our table because I know she will work my anger over about what’s transpired with Seung’s family. I stand up and hug her, though, because I have just recently found out, truly, what it feels like to be ostracized for reasons that have nothing to do with me by the family of someone I love. And I’m so sorry for everything Natalia has had to go through, even though she takes it all in stride so beautifully.

  Natalia and Jake have been engaged for two years and aren’t yet married. Which makes me kind of nervous for her. In all our discussions about The Crow (as she likes to call her future mother-in-law, due to her pointed and screeching attitude), Natalia has always been adamant that she has nothing to do with the pace of her and Jake’s relationship. But tonight, I gently ask if Natalia still feels that Salome (The Crow’s actual name) has not changed or at least interrupted her wedding plans and life with Jake. I can’t even get the whole sentence out before Natalia begins talking.

  “Yes, she has,” Natalia concedes. “This delay in my wedding is all because of her. And them. I know exactly what I want to do for my wedding, but I also know them. And the two don’t mix. Jake wants to go to city hall and get married tomorrow and figure out the party later. But I’m really not willing to give up my wedding because of these people.”

  Did you just hear that alarm bell go off about my wedding? Or was that just in my own head?

  Natalia says she wants a three-day excursion, for her and Jake to have a beach wedding on the island where they first vacationed together and said their first “I love you.” (Sound familiar? You think you are so unique and then you realize you’re just part of the zeitgeist.) But three days with Jake’s family is not an option because of how many times Natalia has been burned.

  AFTER JAKE FIRST WARNED Natalia about his mother’s attitudes toward interracial dating, Natalia was sure that this behavior must have been caused in reaction to Jake’s ex-girlfriend, who was also a black woman. “I thought, Well, that is just ridiculous. I don’t know how that other woman conducted herself, but I know how I do, so let’s just see if I can fix this.”

  That sounds like a brave and noble choice, but it turned out to be a lose-lose scenario, not only for Natalia, but also for Jake, because prejudice has little to do with actual behavior.

  “But Jake knew the deal,” she says, recalling a story I’d heard before but am now lapping up in a whole new way in light of my own recent experiences. “That this had nothing to do with anyone but his mother and his family. But he didn’t hide or shy away from the truth. He said, ‘I’m only telling you this because I want to be honest. I want to stick by you and I hope you will stick by me.’ But still, I just couldn’t even imagine it.”

  Natalia was ready to take the high road and try her best with Jake’s family, only to find she was immediately banned from joining. “Ignored, ostracized, uninvited, everything. The Crow gave the other siblings a mandate—to get rid of me.”

  Jake’s family is also of a different religion than Natalia, and The Crow originally said this was the reason she was not welcome. But Jake’s oldest brother married someone outside the religion, who’s Asian, and The Crow took no issue with either of these differences. And one of his sisters married someone of the same faith, and The Crow is not a fan of him, either, so they are rarely invited to anything. Still, neither of these other partners was banned. Then there was the previous banishment of Jake’s ex-girlfriend, and another brother’s similar excommunication when he dated someone with dark skin. So it was pretty clear that the problem had little to do with faith.

  Natalia did what she could to make things as symbiotic as possible despite this. “I said, ‘They don’t really know me yet, and I think this is disgusting and hideous, but you go see your family without me.’”

  Natalia, like Sonu—my personal Batman of interracial dating—does not hold back. However, Natalia does not fight with Jake’s family because it would only degrade her. Which I think also holds true for me. (Although I’m not afraid to rant endlessly tonight, or call my own wedding a “war” behind a dismissive relative’s back.) But Natalia also completely speaks her mind to her man. This works so well for them because Jake understands that Natalia’s feelings about this are big and need a place to land. Jake lets her go off when she needs to, and they make a plan of how to take each step forward together. Which seems so beautiful. It is perhaps the one great thing about this sad reality because they’ve formed a very solid unit together, right from the start, partially because of this condemnation.

  Of course, this makes me worried about my own plan on how to move forward in my relationship. I originally thought that fighting with Seung or showing him my anger might be an amateur move, but having feelings about my relationship that I’m only sharing outside my relationship can’t be good, either.

  “You should be afraid of saying too little. This is not a pretty picture, and it’s not favorable. But no matter how nice you are to each other, the ugliness is still there, so you can’t be afraid of the ugliness,” Natalia tells me. “You have to ask yourself how much you are willing to fight to be with this person because you have to fight each other sometimes to get there.”

  Jake went to two family occasions without Natalia and then became scarce. He did not feel it was okay to leave her out of his life. Jake’s family then felt they had the right to give their opinion to Jake about his not showing up for them. However, none of the siblings stood up to their mother on behalf of Jake or his relationship, or even the idea of alienating someone due to skin color. This was particularly hard for Natalia to take from her former friend Judah.

  “He was my best friend for many years, and he did not say one word in my defense to his mother. Nor did he say one word on the subject itself. And it really made me wonder if we were ever really friends at all.”

  Silence then became the status quo between Jake and his large family for the better part of a year after these heated discussions. Natalia puts all her sound and fury away for a minute and says how difficult this is for Jake at times. Mainly because no child should ever be asked to choose between love and family. But if it’s presented, Natalia says you shouldn’t be afraid of the choice. “In the beginning, I said I didn’t want to be the reason he didn’t talk to his family. And I meant it. And after I fell in love, then I thought, Damn right, I am the reason. Because although I might be the reason, I am not the cause. She is the cause.”

  * MY GOD. I LISTEN TO THE HELL MY FRIEND HAS been through, and aside from her pain I think of Jake’s, too. Natalia reminds me that she and Jake have a mantra in their home: “Nothing easy is worth having.” I look at Natalia’s ability to explain her feelings and defend herself with envy. I want to stand up tall and puff up my chest and own this situation like she does. I really do. And even though it’s my nature to do so, something about retaliation or fighting back does not feel right. Is this inability to nail down all the feelings that racism br
ings up the reason the race “conversation” is so stifled—particularly between parents and their children?

  I know there was a turning point where Natalia was allowed into Jake’s family’s house. “How did you even begin to interact with Jake’s mother? Was it something that Jake or perhaps his father did?”

  Jake’s father, a brilliant surgeon and the patriarch of this family, had been deceased for five years by the time Natalia’s family invited Jake to his first holiday with them. Accepting an invitation to spend Thanksgiving outside of his own family caused an uproar that involved all of Jake’s siblings, culminating in Jake’s oldest brother, Jonathan, stepping in and taking a stand.

  Brother Jonathan, who by then was a married man and had a child of his own, said, “No more” to his mother. This was at least partially due to his own experience years earlier when he dated a black woman and his mother would literally cross the street to avoid having to face them, but also because he had seen enough of the hurt Jake was facing. And now Judah had begun a relationship with a black woman and was telling their mother that she was Greek because that was more acceptable than black!

  “People of all backgrounds come in all colors, but let me be clear here,” says Natalia with her dander up. “This woman Judah is with is black. And knowing his mother has a problem with her kids dating anyone darker than a brown paper bag is why Judah lied. And he lied for two years.”

  Jonathan finally told his mother that if she didn’t accept Jake and whoever was important in his life, he would not only stand with Jake, but also take his child with them to avoid teaching her the racism he was witnessing. He also pointed out that all the alienation their family was participating in was not hindering Jake’s relationship. If anything, the shunning was making Jake and Natalia stronger, while the siblings were being torn apart. He advised that everyone give Natalia a chance before they lost their son and brother forever.