Bulletproof Hearts

by Brenda Harlen

  “I told you how she died,” Dylan said. “What I didn’t tell you—what I didn’t even know at the time—was that she was pregnant.”

  Chapter 12

  It was instinct that had Natalie reaching over and covering his clenched fist with her hand. She could feel the tension emanating from him, knew there was nothing she could say or do that would ease the pain he must be feeling.

  “Nine weeks pregnant,” he continued. “And she’d never even told me about the baby.”

  She heard the anguish in his voice, the betrayal.

  “For a while, I tried to convince myself that maybe she hadn’t known about her pregnancy. But nine weeks?” He shook his head. “She had to know.”

  “Maybe she was waiting for the right time—a special evening alone with you to share the news.”

  He laughed bitterly. “Except there never was a right time. Between her schedule and mine, we hardly saw each other in those last few weeks. When we did, things were tense.

  “I knew she was working on something big, and I had a bad feeling about it. I hated the articles she wrote, the things she saw. I was a cop—it was my job to protect her from all that. But she got a thrill from brushing up against the criminal element. She loved the danger, the excitement. It was like a game to her. And she refused to listen to my warnings.

  “I know why she didn’t tell me about the baby. Because if I’d known, I would never have backed down. I would have made her understand that she had to stop. I would have done anything to protect her, to save our child.

  “But she chose her career over everything else. She knew she was putting herself in danger when she went to that meeting, and yet she did it, anyway. Completely disregarding my warnings, completely disregarding the child she carried.”

  He closed his eyes against the pain, shook his head. “Still, she didn’t deserve to die. Especially the way she did. And it was my fault that she was there. She intercepted my telephone message—that’s how she knew where things were going down.”

  Natalie wasn’t surprised that Dylan blamed himself for what had happened. It was his informant, his phone call, his fault. She didn’t believe it, but he did, and he was still living with the guilt because of it.

  “It was a choice,” she reminded him gently. “Her choice. She knew there was the potential for danger, and she assessed the risk and made a decision. You couldn’t have made that decision for her.”

  “She paid for that decision with her life,” he said bitterly. “And our child’s life. I wanted that baby. Even though I didn’t know it existed until it was too late, I mourned for our baby as much as I mourned for Beth.”

  Natalie knew there was nothing she could say that would ease the pain he was feeling. She remained silent, just holding his hand.

  “When I first saw Jack, all I could think about was the child I’d lost.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  He shrugged. “I just want you to understand why it’s hard for me to be around him.”

  She did understand. And her heart ached for him, for everything he’d lost, for everything he was missing by continuing to punish himself.

  He looked at her now, the pain in his eyes raw and bleak. “It hurts to be with him, to think about what might have been.”

  She could only nod.

  “But I need to accept the past and move on. I want to move on with you and Jack.”

  She trampled on the quick surge of hope. She had too much to lose to let herself believe in fairy tales now. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Dylan.”

  “We had something pretty great going,” he reminded her. “Until I screwed things up.”

  She shook her head. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “Does that mean you forgive me?”

  “It isn’t about forgiveness.” She wished it could be that simple, but it wasn’t. “We couldn’t make it work before you knew about Jack, before I knew about your baby. We have too many issues to deal with outside of you and me.”

  “I’m not willing to give up on us, Natalie.”

  She wanted to be flattered by his determination. But just as she knew Jack was the reason he’d run out a few weeks earlier, she couldn’t help but wonder if her son was the reason he’d come back. Did he really want a relationship with her, or did he view her child as a surrogate for the one he’d lost?

  She’d always said that Jack and her were a team. She’d never get involved with a man who wouldn’t accept her child. But what if Dylan only wanted her now because of Jack?

  She didn’t knock. She just shoved open the door of his office and walked in. “What the hell were you thinking?”

  Dylan skimmed his gaze over her. That Natalie was furious was apparent by the color in her cheeks, the dangerous glint in her eyes, and the tightly coiled tension evident in every inch of her body.

  He started to rise, only then remembering the telephone receiver in his hand, the impatient voice droning in his ear. “I’ll call you back,” he cut into the diatribe and set the phone back in its cradle.

  “You talked to John Beckett,” he guessed.

  “So did you.”

  He shrugged. He wasn’t going to apologize for his actions.

  “You had no right to go to my boss and demand he remove me from the Merrick case.”

  She was practically shouting, which didn’t bother Dylan but which seemed to have attracted the attention of several officers outside. He pushed back his chair, walked around his desk and quietly closed his door.

  “I don’t care if you think I had the right,” he said. “I did it because I was concerned about you.”

  “Do you know what John said to me?”

  She obviously didn’t expect him to respond because she didn’t pause long enough for him to do so.

  “He said that if I couldn’t handle the pressure of a high-profile case, then maybe the District Attorney’s office isn’t the right place for me.”

  Dylan couldn’t believe it. “He threatened to fire you?”

  “That’s what it sounded like.”

  “He can’t do that.” He reached for the handle of the door. “I’ll go see him and—”

  “No!” She slapped a hand against the glass panel. “You won’t go anywhere near my boss unless it’s to discuss an investigation completely unrelated to Roger Merrick’s murder, Ellis Todd’s trial or me.”

  “Maybe I overstepped my bounds, but I’m not going to apologize for that. I want you off this case, Natalie. So long as you’re involved, you’re in danger.”

  “No one has made any overt threats against me.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Is that what Beckett said?”

  “It’s true.”

  “What did he say about the photos of you at Merrick’s apartment building?”

  “He said that if someone really intended to hurt me, they obviously could have done so then.”

  He understood the logic of the statement, but instinctively rejected the argument. In his gut, he knew she was being targeted, and he was furious that Beckett would so blatantly disregard her safety.

  But what could he do? He’d already tried to reason with the man, and all that had accomplished was to piss Natalie off. And even if Beckett was willing to let her relinquish the case, which appeared unlikely, he knew he wouldn’t convince Natalie to do so.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Are you really?”

  “Yes. I never would have gone to Beckett if I’d thought he’d come down on you.”

  “But if he’d taken me off the case—would you have felt the ends justified the means?”

  He wouldn’t lie to her. “Yes.”

  She folded her arms across her chest. “Do you want to get Conroy?”

  “You know I do.”

  “Do you still believe that Ellis Todd is your best shot at getting to Conroy?”

  He nodded, reluctantly.

  “Then let me do my job.”

  “Do I have any choice?”

  “No.” />
  He unfolded her arms and linked her hands with his own. It struck him in that moment, that although her fingers were delicate and her hands soft, she had a strength of character and determination he’d rarely seen before. And although a part of him admired her courage, he worried that it would propel her into a situation over which she had no control. Just like Beth.

  “I care about you, Natalie.”

  The anger faded from her eyes, replaced by awareness. And wariness. “You’re doing it again,” she warned.

  “What?”

  “Crossing that line you don’t like to cross.”

  “There is no line between you and me.” He kissed her softly, coaxingly. “Give us a chance, Nat.”

  “It isn’t just about me. I have my son to consider.”

  “Jack seems to like me.”

  She smiled. “That’s what I’m afraid of. He hasn’t had a lot of male influences in his life, and I’m afraid he’ll get attached.”

  “Is that really what you’re afraid of? Or are you afraid you’ll get attached?”

  Natalie was concerned about Jack, but Dylan was right. She was concerned for herself, too. Because she was already getting attached, and she knew it could only end badly.

  Thankfully, he didn’t press her for a response to his question. But he did take her by the shoulders and steer her toward a chair. “Sit down.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t. I have to get back and—”

  “Sit,” he said again. His tone was firm, unyielding.

  She sat.

  Dylan poured her a cup of coffee, added a splash of cream. She took the mug, started to bring it to her lips.

  “I want you to tell me about Jack’s father.”

  Her hand trembled. She set the cup down. “I don’t have time for this.”

  “We’re making time for this.”

  She closed her eyes. “Why?”

  “Because I want to know what the bastard did to you that made you so unwilling to trust anyone else.”

  “He got me pregnant and walked out on us. Isn’t that enough?”

  He leaned back against his desk, facing her. “Is that the whole story?”

  Not even close. She sighed. If he insisted on hearing all the nasty little details, she’d give them to him. Maybe then he would understand.

  “I was a twenty-three-year-old law student. He was a corporate attorney and part-time professor at the University of Chicago.”

  “You were one of his students?”

  She nodded. “I was having trouble with an assignment, so I went to his office for help. He was due in court for a hearing, but we made arrangements to meet later for coffee.”

  “He took advantage of you.”

  She shook her head. “I wasn’t a child, and he was careful to ensure there was no appearance of impropriety. He didn’t even kiss me until I’d finished his course.

  “We went out to dinner after the final exam, and we talked for hours. He was handsome and brilliant and I fell hard.”

  “Were you in love with him?”

  “I thought I’d found the man of my dreams.”

  “What happened?”

  “His wife found him nine years sooner.”

  There was a moment of stunned silence. “He was married?”

  Natalie nodded. She felt the heat of shame in her cheeks. She hadn’t known he was married, but that didn’t absolve her of responsibility. She should have known. She should have at least suspected. But she’d been so dazzled by him she hadn’t seen what, in retrospect, was obvious.

  “Did you know he was married?”

  She shook her head. “I didn’t find out until I told him I was pregnant.” Every word of that hateful conversation was indelibly imprinted in her memory. In a few brief moments, he’d shattered her heart and her hopes, and at the same time, he’d freed her. Because she’d finally realized the man she’d loved had been nothing more than a figment of her imagination. The man she’d loved, the man who’d professed to love her, would never have suggested what he’d wanted her to do.

  “I was stunned when I realized I was going to have a baby. It certainly wasn’t anything I’d planned at that stage in my life, but at the same time, I was thrilled. I really believed our baby was a miracle, tangible proof of the love we’d shared.”

  Natalie closed her eyes against the threat of tears; her voice dropped to a whisper. “He wanted me to have an abortion.” She faltered, as she felt the first drops slip down her cheeks. “And when he asked me to terminate the pregnancy…I considered it. Just for a minute, but I actually considered it.”

  She wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I hate him more for that than anything else.”

  Dylan traced a trail of moisture with his fingertip. “You were twenty-three years old. You can’t blame yourself for considering all options.”

  “He went ahead and made all the arrangements, as if my cooperation was a foregone conclusion. The day he came to pick me up to take me to the clinic, I told him I was going to have the baby.

  “He was furious. He yelled at me, threatened me, and when I wouldn’t budge, he pleaded. A baby would complicate our relationship. He wanted to leave his wife and start a life with me, but we weren’t ready to take on the responsibility of a child.

  “For the first time in our relationship, I recognized the lies. He had no intention of leaving his wife, he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear to get me to go along with his plans. When I still refused to do what he wanted, he finally told me the truth. He already had three children and sure as hell didn’t want any more.

  “So I decided to have the baby and raise him on my own. Which I soon found out was much easier said than done. I never would have made it without my sister’s emotional and financial support. We lived with her while I finished law school, until I’d passed the bar and started working in the public defender’s office.

  “Even then, Shannon didn’t want us to move out, but I didn’t want to impose on her any longer. We got a tiny apartment on the south side of town, and sometimes I still needed loans from my sister to meet our expenses from week to week.”

  “You didn’t get any support from Jack’s father?”

  She shook her head. “I didn’t want any.”

  “But he has a legal responsibility—”

  “No,” she interrupted. “Rights come with responsibilities, and I didn’t want him to have any rights with respect to my baby.

  “Then, a few months ago, I ran into him at the courthouse. At first, I thought his being there was just a coincidence. It turned out he’d tracked me down to let me know he was planning to run for public office. He wanted to make sure I wouldn’t cause him any embarrassment.”

  What Dylan muttered under his breath in response to her revelation was both harsh and completely appropriate. She managed a smile, grateful for his support even as she wondered if his attitude would change after he’d heard the whole story.

  “He offered me money to get out of town. I refused—my pride and anger overriding common sense. A week later, his wife came to see me. It seems he’d confessed to the affair in a moment of weakness, begged her forgiveness.”

  “And she forgave him,” he guessed.

  “They have three children, and she didn’t want her family torn apart over an unfortunate indiscretion. Her words,” she explained, “although I can understand why she referred to our relationship that way.

  “And I can understand why she stayed with him—because she believed it was best for her children. And she convinced me that accepting the money and leaving Chicago would be best for mine.” Her cheeks burned, but she lifted her chin. She wasn’t going to apologize for wanting a better life for her child.

  “Do you think I judge you for that?” Dylan asked gently.

  “Don’t you?”

  “No. I know you did what you did for your son. And I think he’s incredibly lucky to have you for his mother.”

  Inexplicably, her eyes filled with tears agai
n. No one—not even Shannon—had so unquestioningly understood. Her barriers slipped a little more. “I really should get back to work now.”

  “In a minute.”

  “Haven’t I answered all your questions now?”

  “All but one.”

  “What’s that?” she asked warily.

  “Will you have dinner with me tonight?”

  She smiled. “Will you cook?”

  Natalie didn’t call Dylan to remind him about Jack’s baseball game. Maybe she should have, but she didn’t want to hold him to a commitment he’d made when backed into a corner. Besides, Jack was so excited about the game he probably wouldn’t even realize Dylan had missed it.

  Except that Dylan didn’t miss the game. In fact, he was already at the diamond when they arrived Thursday night.

  He gave Jack a high five and wished him luck. Only Natalie noticed the lines of strain around his mouth, the tension in his eyes. She climbed onto the bleachers as the teams started their warm-ups on opposite sides of the field. He sat beside her.

  “You didn’t have to come,” she told him.

  “I said I would.”

  She nodded. “I’m glad you did. I didn’t realize how much Jack was looking forward to you being here.”

  “You were counting on me not showing, weren’t you?”

  She just shrugged, refusing to feel guilty for her thoughts. Refusing to speculate on his reasons for coming to the game when he obviously wasn’t comfortable around her son. Because if she allowed her thoughts to wander down that path, she’d have to wonder if he was reaching out to Jack as a surrogate for the child he’d lost.

  Then the umpire called, “Play ball,” and Natalie had an excuse to focus her attention on the field rather than the man beside her. The game got off to a promising start. The Comets retired the other team’s first three batters in order, and at the end of the first inning they had a one-run lead.

  It all went downhill from there.

  When the last out was made, the same players who’d danced so eagerly onto the field seven innings earlier were now dragging their feet and their chins. Their morose expressions were a marked contrast to the whoops and whistles emanating from the other players’ bench. Jack didn’t even look in her direction. The final score was a dismal 18–6 loss for the Comets.