The Falls

by Cathryn Hein

  Teagan still didn’t know what to make of that memory.

  She threw a look her father’s way. Why didn’t he get the message and do the same?

  ‘Shouldn’t be too bad a run for them,,’ he said, still talking about Em. ‘Couple of days at most. Dom said they can bring Astra to the grounds here for you to say hello. That’d be good, wouldn’t it?’

  He did that a lot, her dad. Adding ‘wouldn’t it?’ to the end of statements, like a verbal tic. One of these days, just to shock him, she might answer.

  ‘Emily and Josh – they’re getting married, did you know? – plan to stay with Vanessa for a few days. Apparently Josh wants to check out a few shops in Sydney. Custom-furniture-design places, that sort of thing.’

  Teagan knew about their engagement. Her mum had told her. She’d been pleased for Em. Josh was a good man. Both she and Jas had always suspected that neither Em nor Josh had ever got over their teenage love affair and breakup. Josh was probably living out at Rocking Horse Hill now, helping Em around the farm. Most likely having sex in every corner like she and Lucas used to at Astonville.

  She swallowed. Lucas, Lucas, always Lucas.

  A movement had her sliding her eyes towards her dad. He was glancing at his watch.

  Catching her peek, he smiled sheepishly. He looked better these days. Cheerier. No sign of the desperate cheat that had skulked and snapped around Pinehaven as he’d secretly destroyed his daughter’s world.

  ‘Meredith wants to see me at eleven. I don’t want to keep her waiting.’ He rose and patted his pockets, a habit he’d always had, although Teagan never understood what he was checking for. ‘Best get going. Good to talk to you, Teagan. You take care now and don’t stay out too long. Can’t have you getting burned.’

  She watched him ready himself to shuffle off with another pocket pat. ‘Why do you do this?’

  His eyebrows rose. ‘Can’t a father talk to his daughter?’

  ‘You stopped deserving the right to be called father the moment you started lying to me.’

  His expression clouded. The smile he’d been trying to keep fixed flattened. ‘You’re right. I did. I made a lot of mistakes. Especially with you.’

  ‘And now what? You think you can just act like it all never happened? That you didn’t gamble Pinehaven away? My home, the place I loved like nothing else.’ She slapped a hand on her chest. ‘You emptied me of everything, even my dreams. And I didn’t see it coming because there was no way I could believe my own father would do that to me. But he did. And that made me the biggest fool on earth because I not only believed your lies, I helped you perpetuate them.’

  He took her spat words with his back straight and eye contact unwavering. ‘I did all those things. I hurt you, your mother, your brother. Friends. Everyone. I acknowledge that.’

  ‘Well, bully for you.’ Teagan looked away. She’d had enough. No doubt he’d try to apologise again. She was sick of hearing it.

  ‘You and I are too alike, Teagan.’

  She made a ‘pfft’ noise. ‘I am nothing like you.’

  ‘Then why are we both here?’

  Him she had no idea about, nor did she care. But Teagan’s goal was to get better. Walk out strong and return home to a safe place and start again.

  ‘Go away,’ she said tiredly. ‘Just go away.’

  She may as well have not bothered speaking.

  ‘When your brother said he wasn’t coming home,’ said Graham, ‘something broke in me. With no son to pass Pinehaven on to, all that I’d worked for, that my father – your grandfather – had worked for, seemed wasted.’

  ‘Right. And I was nothing, was I?’ The tear sting was back. She breathed deeply through her nose in an attempt to ease it only to find the effort made her throat ache. She gave up. The tears were going to come anyway. ‘You had a daughter.’

  ‘I know. But I thought that as soon as you married you’d go off somewhere else.’

  ‘Married? Jesus, Dad. I was working so hard on the farm I didn’t get a chance to even go on a date!’

  ‘I know.’ He lowered his gaze. ‘I’m sorry. I should’ve realised you loved Pinehaven more than Owen ever could. Penny tried to tell me, but I didn’t want to believe her. I was too upset that Owen had chosen another man’s farm.’

  ‘That’s ridiculous. Owen didn’t choose anything. He fell in love, that’s all.’

  ‘No more ridiculous than you thinking no one loves you.’

  Teagan swiped at her eyes, angry she’d started this conversation. She should have let him walk off.

  ‘It didn’t start out as gambling. It was a way to help make the farm prosperous. The salespeople promised that if I followed their program I could make money. Good money. It seemed easy, not much risk. They had testimonials, charts. I was going to use the extra income to make the improvements the place needed. Finally buy the new tractor I’d been promising.’ His jaw wobbled. ‘I thought if Owen saw what he was missing out on he’d come home.’

  Of course Teagan never figured in that plan because she didn’t matter. She’d never mattered to him. But she’d been too dumb to see it.

  ‘He was never going to come home,’ she said, rubbing her face. ‘Why do you think he went away in the first place? He didn’t want to be stuck at Pinehaven anymore.’

  He hadn’t wanted to turn out like his parents, is what Owen had actually said. She remembered it clearly. They’d been in the woolshed, getting ready for shearing. Teagan loved that time of year. The smell of it. The productivity. The shearing team and the way the sheep looked bright and new afterwards. Owen had been working permanently at home for four years by then and growing more disgruntled by the day. He’d worked hard – it wasn’t in their Bliss genes not to – but he’d resented it. The way his life seemed to be already decided for him, mapped by a father’s expectations.

  He’d told her then of his plans to escape. He was going to travel. Have adventures like Aunt Ness. Thanks to Penny’s parents being English he was eligible for a British passport, enabling him to stay and muck around the EU all he liked.

  ‘But what about the farm?’ Teagan had asked, struggling to comprehend why he’d want to leave Pinehaven.

  Owen’s face had set with stubbornness. ‘No way I’m staying here to stagnate like them.’

  She hadn’t understood. To be like her parents was what Teagan wanted. They worked together, managed things, went through good and bad standing stoically by each other’s side. It’s what farming people did – they withstood. Owen wanted to run to something unstable, something unknown.

  She should have run with him.

  Her father sagged into a seat and stared bleakly at the ground. ‘I didn’t know that. He never said. I just assumed . . .’ His mouth turned down even further.

  ‘Like you assumed I’d leave.’ The scorn Teagan felt was incredible. ‘You could’ve asked.’

  ‘Never been one to pry.’

  ‘No. You like secrets. Even when they could ruin us all.’

  He looked up, strength returning to his face. ‘We’re not all ruined. We still have each other. We’re still a family. We still have that love. These are rich things. All you have to do is see them.’

  He glanced to the side. Meredith was walking towards them.

  ‘I thought I’d find you two here.’ She looked around at the lush bower. ‘Such a gorgeous garden. Peaceful.’ Her focus went to Teagan. ‘It’s a nice place to rest, and talk.’ She waited for her to respond but Teagan wasn’t playing. ‘Did your dad tell you about Astra?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘We’ll arrange for her to visit.’ She tilted her head. ‘Or you could go to see her, at Lucas’s.’

  Teagan shook her head, her throat feeling strangled. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘That’s all right. We’ll bring her here for you to say hello.’ Meredith turned to Graham. ‘Penny will be joining us this session.’

  Her father’s face changed at the news. He stood, patting his pockets, eager.


  Meredith nodded to Teagan. ‘Don’t stay out too long. I know it’s shady here but you can still burn.’

  They walked off, leaving Teagan to her shaky thoughts.

  When they were out of sight she dug into her shorts pocket and pulled out Lucas’s pendant. She turned it over in her hands, watching the light catch the silver. Pondering the craftsmanship. The way the enamel had a depth to it.

  Rich things she couldn’t see.

  But longed to.

  ‘That horse is a total nutjob,’ said Lucas as Astra whirled around Emily for the tenth time, whinnying loudly.

  ‘Actually, she’s pretty good compared to what she was.’

  Josh reached out to grab the horse’s halter. ‘Em’s put a lot of work into her.’

  ‘Not that much.’ She smiled kindly at Lucas. ‘But I tried for Teagan.’

  Unlike Teagan’s glamorous, highly strung filly, Lucas had liked Emily and Josh immediately. They were good people and caring friends. Emily seemed a bit aloof at first; one of those posh haughty horse sorts he knew only too well, but her reserve had gradually thawed. Last night over dinner and wine at Falls Farm, encouraged by Vanessa, she’d opened up with stories about Teagan. The shows they’d competed at, the girly evenings they’d shared, their adolescent antics. Penny had added more stories from Teagan’s childhood, her love of horses, mischief on the farm. Times from when Teagan was happy. A girl Lucas had sensed but only caught glimpses of. Enough to fall in love.

  Josh was like him. A working bloke doing pretty well for himself. Although truth was Lucas wasn’t doing great at all. Not in his heart. Astonville, The Falls, everywhere, was empty without Teagan. He never thought he’d miss her so much, but he did. She was an aching wound that wouldn’t heal.

  She’d been at the centre three weeks now, with no sign of leaving. Vanessa promised Teagan was making excellent progress but refused to elaborate further. When Lucas had asked Dom when she might be well enough to come home he’d prevaricated, softening his answer with a fatherly grasp of Lucas’s shoulder. That was up to Teagan herself. A probe about the cost garnered an equally oblique response. As far as Dom was concerned, she could stay as long as it took. She was his guest, the way Penny and Graham had been guests. The cost was irrelevant.

  More than once Lucas had considered washing his hands of her. She’d made it clear the day he visited that the split between them was too deep to ever close over. As time passed his heartbreak worsened, driving his pessimism about their future. If they’d even had a past beyond what he’d fabricated in his wishful mind.

  Dom kept telling him to hang in there. Some women – even the difficult ones – were worth the wait. Vanessa advised him to do what his heart told him was right, but Penny took him aside and begged him not to abandon her daughter. No matter how she’d acted Teagan loved him. But they were just words, assurances from a protective mother. Then she’d revealed something that had made him rethink: Teagan still had his pendant. She didn’t wear it, but she kept it always close, like a talisman.

  Like it mattered.

  Astra let out another high-pitched whinny. Lucas rolled his eyes. What was it with him and high-maintenance women? He should stick with males. At least, bar the occasional ram raid when Lucas forgot to pay attention, Merlin caused no trouble. Eat grass and bleat a lot, was all the ram did and Astonville allowed plenty of scope for both. Which was why Vanessa had asked if Lucas would mind keeping him on, adding that with every other animal and human at Falls Farm being female, perhaps Merlin’s misbehaviour was because he felt his masculinity was threatened. Lucas suspected the real reason Vanessa wanted him to keep Merlin was because with Teagan gone she was convinced he needed the company.

  He let out a sigh and patted Astra’s neck. ‘Let’s get this done.’

  For a fractious animal the filly floated quite well. She walked up the ramp with little more than a few sniffs and a head shake, hardly moving on the drive to the centre despite the serpentine road.

  Perhaps she was as paralysed by the thought of seeing Teagan as he was.

  Emily had visited her the day before. Lucas had been so anxious for news that on Emily’s return to Astonville he’d found it hard to hold back from interrogating her like a captured spy. She’d understood though, and after making a cuppa had sat with him outside to talk while Josh made phone calls inside.

  The vines had sprouted in the warmer weather and Lucas was slowly training the canes up the pergola posts. Every day new leaves unfurled and the vines reached out with exploratory tendrils, like blind lovers learning to touch. Each time he sat there he thought of Teagan and the way she’d admired it. He thought of other things, too. Good things. The first time they’d slept together; Teagan curled up on the bed, self-conscious and tentative before coming sexily, sweetly alive under his tender caresses. The day they’d had sex in the forge; him cracking up afterwards at her soot-covered bum as she’d skipped naked in front of him back to the house. Quiet evenings on the couch, her head in his lap, idly tracing the planes of her face with his fingertips as they’d zoned out in front of the telly, feeling contented and right.

  ‘She still loves you,’ Emily said.

  ‘She said that?’

  ‘She didn’t have to.’

  His heart sank again. Kindness was making Emily lie. He stretched back to stare at the vine leaves.

  ‘Lucas, I’ve known her since we were thirteen. Believe me, she loves you.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  She smiled. Teagan’s friend was an attractive woman, classy, with an articulate voice and an intelligent gaze. ‘It’s in the way she avoided any mention of your name. I played along. Then at the end, when I said I’d better go, she asked how you were. Then she wanted to know everything, which was difficult when we’ve only just met. So I told her she should ask you herself.’

  ‘And?’

  She hesitated before answering. ‘She said there was no point.’

  With her words, the ember that was Lucas’s hope lost the last of its glow.

  Emily toyed with the handle of her cup. ‘I suspect she thinks you’ve given up on her.’

  Given up on her? How the hell could he ever do that?

  ‘Christ,’ he said, rubbing his hand over his face. ‘So what do I do?’

  ‘Tell her you still love her,’ said Josh, walking up to them.

  Emily caught Lucas’s expression and her eyes widened. ‘You had told her, hadn’t you?’

  ‘Not exactly.’

  Emily regarded him as though he was a complete idiot. Probably because he was.

  ‘Better hurry up then,’ said Josh, stroking Emily’s hair in that absent but caring way that showed he did it often, with love. ‘Not saying it nearly cost me Em.’ He sat down, picked up his fiancée’s coffee mug and took a sip, before settling his gaze on Lucas. A small intimacy between a devoted couple that made Lucas feel his emptiness even more. ‘My old man has this saying: nothing sucks a man’s soul drier than regrets. It’s true. You love her, you tell her. Can’t make things worse.’

  Emily leaned forward. ‘Teagan needs to hear it, Lucas.’

  Which was why he was in his ute now, guts churning as he towed Emily’s horse float towards the Wellness Centre. Astra was his safety net. Teagan could push him away, but she wouldn’t push away her horse.

  He hoped.

  Teagan checked her clock for the twentieth time. Eleven was when Dom said Astra would arrive. It was now ten to. Someone would come and fetch her. Meredith, she supposed, a professional to offer guidance.

  Yesterday, after Em had left, Teagan had revealed to Meredith her deep fear that Astra might reject her. That her horse would have bonded with Em and forgotten the mistress who had adored her. But Meredith had a way of taking a question and using it to probe deeper. Discussion moved on to why Teagan’s friendship with Emily remained intact when others had fractured, despite initially feeling her friend had betrayed her. Teagan hadn’t had a solid answer for that. All she knew was that it had
been Em she’d run to when she’d learned the truth about Pinehaven. Em who’d sat up all night listening. Em who’d promised to keep Astra safe.

  The trust of an almost lifelong friendship was hard to break. Which was why Em wanted Teagan to be her bridesmaid. Giving Teagan another reason to think about leaving the centre and start rebuilding her life.

  The clocked ticked to eleven. Teagan began to pace. Why wasn’t anyone here? She chewed her lip. Maybe Astra wasn’t coming. Maybe something had happened and they didn’t know how to tell her.

  The thought made sweat spring across her brow. She glanced at the clock again and then at the door. In a few strides she was out.

  Her favourite spot in the garden was empty. Knowing how much she liked it, she’d expected they’d direct Em to lead Astra there, but there was no sign of either her friend or her horse. She stopped in the centre of the bower and wiped her hands down her hips. If Astra rejected her she wouldn’t know how to cope.

  She stood for a long while breathing hard, trying to control her growing anxiety. The birds were active today. Noisy miners bounced among the groundcover, chattering to one another. From further away, a bellbird began to call, and others joined in. The sound reminded Teagan of her first day at Falls Farm, when the future had lain ahead. Her new life.

  She remembered how she’d found Lucas with Claudia. The way her breath had caught at seeing him. How he’d fooled her, by not being the wanker she’d thought but a good man. Easygoing, funny, kind. A man who’d made her smile, who’d not seen the depression that she hated and dreaded so much, but an attractive, if skinny, redhead he wanted to know better.

  Rich things.

  A whinny broke her thoughts. She listened, unsure if it was real or if her desperate mind had conjured the sound. Another whinny came. She grinned. Astra.