Roses & Thorns: Men

by Bry Ann

  “Boss?”

  “Sven, have a seat.”

  “Alright.” I grab a coffee and some hard boiled eggs Lacey prepared for all of us. Marial is more of an ‘as we need it’ type of person; Lacey is always cooking and hates the idea of anyone ever being hungry. Our stomachs have loved having her around. We’re never wanting for anything.

  I grab a seat across from him and kick my feet up.

  “What is it, Boss?” Over the past year and a half, we’ve grown from a simple Boss and Underboss relationship to friends. He’s still in charge, and he makes it known. But behind the scenes, there is more to our relationship than the mafia, and, well, heaven knows we both fucking need it.

  “Lacey.”

  “What about her?”

  God, what now? “I should propose to her,” he looks up at me, unsure. “Right? I mean, she’s showing. There’s a baby inside of her. My baby.” My lips twitch. That she does. I’ve never seen him look so unsure before.

  “I mean, probably. Boss, with all due respect, it probably should have been done a long time ago.”

  “I know,” he winces. “I’m awful. I just… I always pictured her as mine. It wasn’t until Kevin Martin asked who I was and I had to say boyfriend that I realized how wrong this was.”

  “Yep,” I say with a grin. He narrows his eyes at me. “It’s true,” I laugh. “You know it is.”

  “I do,” he says, uncharacteristically avoiding eye contact. “How do I… I mean, fuck, how do I propose to Lacey? The most romantic moments we’ve had have been in my fucking bedroom.”

  At my smirk, he shakes his head, laughing.

  “Not like that,” he laughs. “You know what I mean.”

  “Yeah,” I smirk. “Although…”

  “Don’t even finish that sentence,” Boss laughs, shaking his head. “Seriously, what the hell do I do?”

  “You think I’m romantic? I have no fucking clue.”

  “We run half the east coast. Between the two of us, we should be able to think of a decent way to propose.” “She’s not my girlfriend, Boss.”

  Damn. I really needed this. I’ve haven’t had the urge to laugh this much in a long time.

  “Man...” He runs his hand over his face. “Please help me.”

  My lip’s bleeding, I’m biting it so hard. This is fucking hysterical. I want to prolong his torture, but I don’t want to wait for the moment Boss’s desperation turns to anger.

  “Boss, Lacey hasn’t experienced much, especially with all the trauma that went down. I don’t think it’d be hard to blow her mind. Think of a place she would find stunning for one reason or another, take her there, and pop the question.”

  “Hmm, that’s not a bad idea,” Boss says, finger on his chin, lost in thought.

  “So…” I say, taking a sip of my coffee. “Lacey’s looking pregnant.”

  His face goes pale, making me nearly spit my coffee all over the table.

  “I know. I’m not ready. A girl? A girl? Why did Lacey have to be right on this? I mean, I could handle a boy, but a girl?”

  Literal panic is written all over his face. This is officially the best day I’ve had in over a year.

  “You’ll figure it out. You run half the coast, remember,” I add, eyes dancing with amusement over my coffee cup.

  “Fuck you, Sven.”

  At that, I do start laughing. Cracking up, actually.

  “Do you have a crib and stuff?”

  “I mean, we… I… Lacey keeps saying we need to…”

  His stuttering is interrupted when I see him glance over my shoulder. I turn around to see Lacey standing there, biting her lip. My jaw drops to the floor when I see what she’s wearing. Long sweats, as per usual, but for a shirt she is wearing a simple cotton long sleeved tee. No jacket. No sweatshirt. A few of her scars are even poking out of the top of it. I can’t get my mouth to close. Years. It’s been years, and Lacey has not so much as shown an inch of skin. Not that she’s revealing much, but I know enough to know this is huge and has everything to do with the bump protruding from her stomach.

  I glance at Boss in shock. The look he gives me is so hard, I know he’ll kill me if I hurt Lacey in any way right now. Not that I would. I’m not a complete bastard.

  “What are you guys talking about?” Lacey whispers, clearly uncomfortable, pulling on the ends of her sleeves.

  Boss immediately stands and goes over to her, kissing her passionately. He whispers something to her that I’m sure I don’t want to hear.

  “Well, that’s my cue to leave.”

  Both of them turn to me. Lacey looks completely embarrassed. I start to walk away, but stop, taking a deep breath. For some reason, Rose is on my mind in this moment.

  “Lacey, you look good. It’s good to see you like this.”

  I gesture up and down her body before walking out, feeling something I’m not sure I understand.

  Good.

  For complimenting someone.

  I run my hand through my hair.

  Since meeting Rose, losing her, and going through therapy, I’m really not sure I understand who I am at all.

  Why does life have to be a journey? Why can’t I just stay the arrogant asshole I was? That’d be way easier.

  Lacey

  “I don’t want our daughter to be insecure,” I whisper in response to Adam’s questioning eyes, even though I’m feeling nothing but insecure in this moment. “So I’m trying.”

  I feel stupid tears come to my eyes, but luckily, I’m able to push them back. His hands dig tighter into my hips, almost painfully, but I know it’s passion.

  “You amaze me every single day. You’re the strongest fucking…” He shakes his head. “I don’t deserve you.”

  He brushes a strand of my hair back.

  “You’re stunning.”

  I blush and drop my head, shaking it back and forth.

  “You’re ridiculous.”

  All of a sudden, my feet leave the ground. I squeal.

  “Set me down!” I shriek, almost letting his name slip.

  He laughs.

  “Seriously, I weigh like two hundred pounds! You’re gonna hurt your back carrying me!”

  That makes him laugh deeply and loudly. He nips at my ear.

  “Oh, little dove, you underestimate my strength.”

  “You underestimate my weight!” I shriek back.

  He’s dying with laughter by the time we get to his room, tears rolling out of his eyes. Finally, he sets me down. He barely gives me and my pregnant belly a moment to compose ourselves before he’s on me, pinning me to the door, kissing me passionately.

  “Adam,” I sigh.

  His safety wraps around me. I melt into him.

  “I think we need to see your family,” he whispers. “Jamie,” he clarifies. He’s never once viewed my parents as my family. I’m conflicted, but I can’t say that I don’t see his point.

  I pull away from him.

  “Adam, I—”

  “I really think you need to do this. To get some closure with your ‘parents.’” He literally uses air quotes, hate brimming in his words. “And I think you want to be a big sister to Jamie. I think you’ll regret walking away.”

  I never really viewed it as walking away, but he’s right. He’s completely right. Immediately, my body starts to tremble for reasons I can’t understand. My hand goes to my stomach to protect my baby from the fear I’m feeling.

  “Lacey.”

  “I need a moment,” I say, turning away and squeezing my eyes. Too many emotions are coursing through me. The bone deep betrayal. The memories. The horrors I endured because they sold me. Jamie’s sweet, innocent face.

  I try to control the thoughts. I want to be perfect at this. I faintly hear my name being called, but my mind is slipping away and I can’t stop it.

  “AHHHH!” I scream at the top of my lungs as the scalding hot pipe digs into my skin. “STOP! God, please.”Even the tears hurt. It all hurts. Pain. Pain. PAIN. My bra
in’s firing in all directions,

  “Just spill and we can take it easy on you, like before.”

  They were never gentle, but it wasn’t this bad. I have no reason to be loyal, but I can’t get myself to betray anyone.

  “You’ll have to kill me,” I somehow get out through the pain.

  He digs the rod in the slightest bit further. He leans forward so his horrid breath is right in my face. My screams pierce the room as the rod digs deeper into my inner thigh.

  “Oh, you’ll die. It’ll just be slow and painful.”

  Like he has to tell me.

  He moves the rod and slaps me with it, making me whimper in pain as my throat gives out.

  “All the more reason to….” I don’t get to finish that sentence. I black out from the pain.

  Until cold water is poured over my head.

  And the process starts all over again.

  The pain doesn’t end. It never ends. And no one is coming for me.

  “Lacey. Lacey, God, please come back. Don’t go there.” The panic in his voice brings me back. I reach into the air. I need him. I need him right now. Instantly, I’m in his arms.

  “I got you,” he says, rubbing my hair back. “I got you.”

  I immediately start sobbing.

  “I….”

  “Shh,” he says. “It’s okay.”

  “It doesn’t stop. I can’t go through that again…”

  I try to climb up his body, crawl into him, anything. I can’t. I can’t. I’d rather die, and oh, God, the baby. I feel my heart rate climbing. I know I’m scratching Adam, but I have to hide.

  “Hey, hey…” I feel his hands dig into me. He finally gets enough leverage to pull me back. He forces me to look at him. I feel my heart hammering against my chest.

  “Lacey, sweetie, you need to calm down. The baby. Your heart.”

  He looks so sad, and so worried. I try to force myself to breathe, but I can feel myself shaking against his hands.

  “I won’t let anything happen to you. Do you hear me, damn it? You’re safe. You and Rose. I swear to God, nothing matters more to me than the safety of the two of you. You have my word, little dove. Please try to breathe for me.”

  I somehow get a few rattled breaths out, until I start to calm. Once I do, exhaustion settles over me. Nothing in the world wipes you out more than a panic attack. Your body doesn’t understand that you aren’t actually in danger and the adrenaline takes everything out of you.

  “Come on.”

  Adam ushers me to the bed. I fall back immediately, eyes starting to close.

  “But it’s morning,” I whisper, already falling asleep.

  “Sleep. We’ll talk later.”

  “But…”

  Adam crawls into bed, leaning against the headboard. He starts to rub my hair back.

  “Go to sleep, little dove. I’m right here. Nothing will happen to you or baby Rose.”

  My eyes flutter as I get one last look at him, hovering over me like a guardian angel or a demon or a crazy mix of both.

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  “I love you too, my little dove.”

  The world settles into darkness, but this time it’s peaceful because he’s right there. And I’ll be safe. He promised.

  My eyes start to flutter open. Adam is next to me with his computer on his lap, fully focused, but there, like he promised. I close my eyes slightly, not letting on that I’m awake so I can watch him. I love seeing him like this.

  “I feel you watching me. Nice try,” he says, eyes not ever leaving the screen.

  I smile and wrap my hand around his thigh. That gets his attention.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  “Hey, don’t ever be sorry for that. I want to be by your side. If you’re struggling or slipping away, let me in. Don’t push me away.”

  “I hate you seeing me like that,” I confess, being sure to hide my face in the covers.

  His large, tattooed hand comes up under my cheek, gently turning my face. Our eyes meet.

  “It changes nothing. I still love you. I’m still grateful that you’re the mother of my child. I still think you’re a badass.”

  I shake my head and giggle.

  “What do I do with you?”

  I move forward and place my head on his thigh, relaxing there. He moves his computer immediately. His hand finds my hair and starts to stroke it.

  “I don’t want to pressure you, but what do you think about what we discussed earlier?”

  “With my family?”

  “Yeah, babe.”

  “I don’t want Jamie to think I walked away from him.”

  “I know.”

  “But…”

  “I’ll be right beside you.”

  I look up at him and roll my eyes.

  “You’ll quite literally kill them.”

  “No, I have no right,” he says through a clenched jaw.

  “Hasn’t stopped you before, I’m sure.”

  “I’d never do that to you.”

  I set my head back down, and he continues playing with my hair. I sit quietly, thinking for a moment.

  “You’ll set it up?”

  “If that’s what you’d prefer.”

  I nod. “And you’ll stay beside me?” “Always, little dove.”

  “And you won’t hurt them?”

  There’s a pause at that.

  “No, Lacey, I won’t hurt them.”

  I tuck my leg under his.

  “Then set it up.”

  Even I can feel my hands trembling, though I wish they wouldn’t. Adam’s hand snakes around and splays over my very round stomach. I spin around and place my hand over his.

  “She’s been very active lately.”

  “She’s my kid,” he says, shrugging, like it’s a given she’d be a little hellion in my stomach.

  “She thinks my bladder is a trampoline.” “You’re a trooper.”

  “I’m gonna kill Cut.” At that, he starts laughing.

  “I love that he’s been the biggest victim to your hormones in all this, and not me.” “He’s giving me nutrition advice! Like, if he wants to carry a human inside him and push it out, then he can give me nutrition advice. Until then, he needs to shut up. I’m eating a cookie now and again.”

  Adam’s laughing so hard above me that I’m pretty sure he’s crying.

  “I’ve never seen this side of you before. I love it. You’re killing me over here.”

  “I’m glad you find me amusing,” I grumble.

  He kisses my head. The second his lips touch my skin, the baby goes crazy inside me. I jump up, caging his hand in. He’s not allowed to move it.

  “Do you feel that? Do you feel that?” I squeal. “She’s going nuts! I can’t wait to meet her.”

  Adam’s looking at me with such love, it takes my breath away.

  “Me neither. I’m terrified.”

  I turn to look him directly in the eyes.

  “Are you?”

  “You aren’t?”

  I shrug. “I mean, yes. I’m terrified I’ll mess up. I’m terrified she’ll get hurt or… Adam?”

  I swallow the lump in my throat. The fear that’s been eating me alive for six months now.

  “Yes?”

  “What if my body… what if my body doesn’t take well to giving birth after all the trauma? What if I lose her?”

  I have to close my eyes to reign in everything I’m feeling.

  “Babe, the obgyn said it should be fine. You have the best care. Trust them, but most importantly, trust yourself. You’re doing everything right.”

  “I hope so. I don’t know how I’ll survive it if she…”

  “Don’t go there, Lacey.” He cups my cheek. “I’m trying to think of how to set up a nursery for a little girl. How to get these dickheads to behave, since we’ll have a small female running around here. I don’t think a kid has ever stepped foot in these walls. Then we’ve got the fact that I’m the father. To a daughte
r.”

  Actual fear crosses his face. I smile softly. I place my hand over his and move it back to my stomach.

  “You’ll be great.”

  “But…”

  “Remember your mom?”

  His eyes widen slightly. He starts rubbing the fingers of his free hand together.

  “Uh, yes.”

  “You had some kind of an example, and you have love to give, Adam. Just promise me that she always comes first. Before work. Before being Boss. I know that’s not in your programming, but you’re not a robot. I need to know that you can do that if I’m going to raise a child with you.”

  “I won’t be perfect, but I promise I will give it my damn best, every single day.”

  “That’s all I ask.”

  I kiss his forehead and roll out of bed.

  “It’s weird that I’m dressed and ready to go after sleeping for so long.”

  He smiles at me affectionately.

  “Why don’t you go train with Cut?” “Okay,” I grumble, “It’s not really tough training, though. It’s more like touching fists and stretching.” Adam’s lips twitch. “Go touch fists, then. Cut will be here any minute.”

  “Heaven forbid he wait a minute.”

  Adam’s smile spreads across his entire face.

  “Love you, babe.”

  “Yeah, love you, too.”

  I pretty much stomp out of the room like a child. My usual erratic moods are even more all over the place lately. I hate it. Although I don’t find pregnancy as awful as some people, since I’m more than used to discomfort, I still don’t enjoy it. I’m really looking forward to having my body back. Well, not so much my body as my emotions. I hate that this baby is messing with them.

  For the next hour or so, I ‘train’ with Cut. Like some sort of twisted brother/sister thing, we are both going through a phase where we can’t stand each other. Him, because I’m a psycho pregnant woman and he has received 99% of my hormonal outbursts. Me, because, well, I have no idea. He makes me act like I’m in need of an insane asylum and I have no clue why.

  When I go back into the room to change and take a shower, Adam is sitting on the bed in the same spot, with the computer on his lap.

  “Friday.”

  I look up at him with my mouth open.