“You just do. That’s what walking away means, doesn’t it? Leaving something important behind?”
“It would take years to start again.” She managed a smile. “Gwen thinks I should just move to Hawaii and find work at a school there. I have to admit, it’s a good idea.”
“Really? I kind of thought you’d hang around here.”
“Don’t worry. I wouldn’t dream of leaving until we finish your plans.”
“Oh.” He flashed a quick smile. “Thanks.”
The earth rose more slowly toward them this time. They were coming to a stop. “I’m sorry,” Olivia said. “I don’t know why I dumped all that on you.”
“I don’t mind.”
“There’s nothing fun about playing therapist though, is there?” She felt his gaze on her, but when she turned her head, he looked away.
“It’s no big deal.”
Olivia shifted, uncomfortable with his sudden silence. “Hey, do you want to talk about your competitive research now?”
“No. But thanks.”
Olivia was relieved when they rocked to a stop and an attendant opened the door. She hadn’t experienced Jamie unhappy before, and she wasn’t sure what had happened. The talk about his family and his parents, probably.
“Are you ready to go?” he asked once they were back on solid ground.
“Yes.” She touched his arm as he turned away. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he answered. He winked and took her hand, and Olivia breathed a sigh of relief.
“Ferris wheel too much for you, after all?”
“I’m a little shaken up.”
They strolled down a walkway, heading for the blank spot past the trees that signaled the acres of parking lots. “Thanks for listening, Jamie.”
“I’m good at it,” he said, but he was still a little distant, and discomfort prickled over her skin.
“I’m sorry I brought up your family.”
He let her go, his hand sliding free, and Olivia felt as if she was going to be swept away, back to her old life, where she jogged every morning at six and never, ever had dirty sex in front of a mirror. Jamie folded his arms and looked out over the rows of cars. “It doesn’t have to only be fun all the time.”
“What doesn’t?”
“This. You can talk to me about your life. We can discuss things that have nothing to do with the brewery or sex.”
“I know that. It’s just that…our arrangement—”
“Arrangement?”
“You know.” Her face burned. She didn’t want to say aloud that he was giving her sex in exchange for help with the brewery.
“Olivia, I know you’re buttoned up and business-oriented, but I’m not. This isn’t an arrangement.”
“You said you’d help me with—”
“I meant as friends or lovers or whatever you want to call it.”
“It’s semantics, Jamie. I’m not saying you don’t like me at all, but I’m not the kind of woman you’d normally date.”
“What the hell do you know about who I normally date?”
“Oh, come on. How many thirty-five-year-old straitlaced divorcées have you dated? You’re a twentysomething bartender. Women travel from all over town just to pay for the chance to flirt with you. Hot women. College girls. Women with breasts who wear low-cut jeans and go skinny-dipping every week.” She glanced down the walk to be sure no one was near and lowered her voice. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
She wasn’t wrong, she knew that, but Jamie looked furious. His mouth was so flat and hard that it looked like it had never cracked a smile, much less a grin. His jaw jumped in a tense rhythm. And his eyes…all the warmth had left them, and the green now looked like pine in the dead of winter.
Olivia sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that as an insult.”
“You didn’t mean it as an insult? What was it? A compliment?”
“Neither. It’s just…true.”
“That I’m an immature, womanizing, beer-slinging kid who sleeps with any drunk college girl who flashes her cleavage at me?”
“That is not what I said.”
“What about the part where I agreed to sleep with you if you pay me in restaurant-planning help? Is that what’s true?”
She reached toward him. “Jamie—” He started to pull away. A shriek of laughter stopped her movement, and Olivia stepped back as a herd of teenagers tumbled past them. Jamie glared at the cement beneath his feet while Olivia just stood there helplessly, wondering why it had seemed like a good idea to have this conversation. And now she could feel that current growing stronger, pulling her away from him, back to what she’d been before. She’d ruined it.
The last teenager finally sprinted past, trying to catch up to the others.
Olivia’s heart had dropped and pressed all the air from her chest, but Jamie’s whole body seemed to expand when he breathed in. After a few moments, he blew all the air out on a slow sigh. “I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up.”
“I didn’t mean that,” she whispered, “not that way.” She couldn’t believe how quickly he’d calmed down. He looked almost like the old Jamie now, though his mouth was still solemn. Still, all the tension had vanished from his jaw, and his eyes shifted from cold to sad.
“It’s no big deal. I’m used to it. Hell, I deserve it.”
“No, you don’t. And I only meant that I’m not an ideal date for you. For anyone. And that’s okay. I don’t need to be that.”
“How about you let me decide who’s ideal?”
She almost agreed. That would end the argument. He’d tell her that she was exactly who he wanted to date. She’d be reassured. She’d feel attractive and wanted and flattered. But it wouldn’t be true. She didn’t want to be told any more lies. So instead of agreeing, she shook her head. “I like that you’re sweet and flirtatious and charming. I love it. Everyone does. But I don’t want you to charm me by pretending there’s more to this than there is.”
Jamie threw his hands up in exasperation. “Did I do something to offend you?”
“No. You’ve been great. You’re always great. That’s why I can’t let my guard down.”
He dropped his hands. His frown softened. “Hey,” he said, “you don’t have to have your guard up with me.”
“Oh, Jamie. You are so wrong about that.”
Stepping closer, he took her hand and glared at her. “I don’t have my guard up with you.”
“Yeah, and look at you. You’re fine. But you’re the first man I’ve dated since my divorce, and I can’t risk not being fine. Not so soon. And not with you.”
His fingers slid between hers. “What is it you think I’m going to do to you?”
Just that, she thought. Just the touches and sweet looks and perfect sex. She’d let her guard down and she’d be gone. Broken. Destroyed. There’d be a few months of sweet, hot sex and then she’d be relegated to that list of “good friends” he no doubt had. Women he held a vague, remembered affection for. Women he was totally at ease around, because in his world they’d been wonderful friends, while in each woman’s world, he’d been a man she loved fiercely. Christ, that would be worse than being an ex.
Olivia shook her head and moved toward the parking lot, her hand snug within his. He was still frowning when he opened the car door for her. Still frowning when he got in and started the engine. He deserved honesty after the rude things she’d thrown at him.
When he reached to put the car in gear, she touched his hand to stop him. “It’s less complicated for you if I don’t throw myself into this.”
“How do you know that?”
She cleared her throat and pulled her hand back, pressing it to her knee. She stared at her fingers as if there was something interesting to see there. But there was nothing but the still-strange blankness of her ring finger. “Victor was my first lover. I’d never done more than kiss another man.”
He was quiet for a moment. She could almost hea
r the blank question in his mind. Four heartbeats passed before he drew a sharp breath. Realization heated the air inside the car and burned her skin. “Oh. So I’m…”
“Yes. I wasn’t going to say anything. I know it’s weird. But it’s why I can’t just…give in to you.”
“Olivia.” His hand covered hers, so much larger and darker that it made her heart skip. “I don’t want you to surrender anything. Not to me.”
He really had no idea. He was so damn easy. Easy to be around. Easy to want. Easy to love. And because he was easy, he could never understand how hard life was for other people. “I just want you to understand why I have to be on guard.”
His hand tightened on hers. “Okay. I think I get it.”
“Thank you.”
He inhaled as if he’d say more, but in the end, he simply put the car in gear and pulled out. Olivia watched the Ferris wheel turn above them, the white metal on fire with the sunset, and she wished they’d never come down.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
JAMIE TRIED HIS BEST not to look as freaked out as he was. There was no reason to panic. Nothing had changed. Not really. Except that he now realized all the naughtiness he’d been coaxing from her…that hesitance hadn’t been simple modesty but true inexperience.
No, not inexperience, he assured himself. She’d been married for a decade. She was totally experienced. Totally.
Except that he didn’t think he’d ever been with a woman who’d only been with one guy. Not that he’d known of. Certainly not after high school. He definitely hadn’t expected it from Olivia Bishop, she of sophisticated older woman fame.
He slid a look toward her, watching her out of the corner of his eye. She seemed tired, crumpled a little in her seat. He’d originally planned on one more adventure this evening, but she definitely wasn’t up for a trip to the local erotic boutique. Hell, he wasn’t up for it, either. He couldn’t believe he’d done her outside in his hot tub. And bent her over a bed for a hard ride.
Blood crept up his face. He should’ve romanced her, not screwed her within an inch of her life. “I assume you’re too tired to go out for dinner?”
“Tired and messy. I think there’s dust stuck to my sunscreen.”
“How about dinner at my place?”
“You said you didn’t cook dinner.”
“Well, I’m not exactly a chef, but I do have an amazing list of take-out places tacked to the fridge door.” He finally dared a look at her just in time to catch her yawn. “I also have a very comfortable bed with fluffy pillows.”
“I remember. Would you let me borrow your shower? And maybe a T-shirt?”
Jamie kept his mind blank, afraid to think of her damp and clean and half-dressed. “Sure. Absolutely. Anything you want.”
“Then I’d love to.”
Romance, he told himself. Hopefully he still had a bottle of wine in the pantry. Maybe he should buy some flowers or something.
When they got to his place, Jamie grabbed two dozen takeout menus and piled them on the kitchen table. “Choose anything you want. I’m going to jump in the shower really quick, and then it’s all yours.”
He showered in record time, then toweled off and yanked on clean underwear and jeans. His bedroom door opened as he was reaching for a T-shirt.
“Oh, you’re out,” Olivia said. “I was suddenly worried I was supposed to join you. Shower initiation.”
She’d never done it in a shower? Jamie fumbled the shirt, but managed to catch it before it hit the floor. He dragged it over his head as quickly as he could. “Ha! No. I’m in charge of food, remember? Did you make a decision?”
Olivia cocked her head. “Are you okay?”
“Sure. Why?”
“You seem stressed. Are you still angry?”
“Nope. No way. I just felt rude leaving you out there. And I didn’t want to use all the hot water. And I’m starving.”
She shrugged. “Okay. How about Vietnamese?”
“Absolutely. Anything you want.”
“Anything?” she asked, her gaze dipping down his body.
Jamie was surprised by the hard twist of lust in his gut. He still felt nervous, but just the stroke of her gaze down his body, and blood rushed to his dick. There was some chemistry between them that had nothing to do with him teaching her how to have fun. It got stronger every time he saw her, as if each round of sex layered another degree of heat between them.
He suddenly didn’t give a damn about his nervousness. He was just glad she was here. By the time he’d ordered the food and grabbed his keys, Jamie had a new reason for rushing. Olivia was strolling back toward his bedroom, and he knew that if he heard her turn the shower on, he wouldn’t make it out the door. Shower initiation, indeed.
Yeah, his nervousness was definitely gone. The meaning of her revelation had finally sunk in. The things they’d done together, the things they would do…it was all new for her. She’d only ever been with her husband, in a serious relationship. Jamie was only the second man to touch her, to slide into her body. He couldn’t say that those sorts of things mattered to him, but he also couldn’t deny the wild grip of possession he felt.
“Fucking caveman,” he muttered, but his body didn’t offer even a twinge of regret. His role as mentor had just gained an unimaginable new intensity, and now that he’d shaken off his nerves, he couldn’t wait.
Half an hour later, as he unlocked his front door, he realized he’d never left a woman alone in his house before. It felt strange, walking in and knowing someone else was there. Someone who might be naked in his shower. Or maybe she’d changed her mind and decided on a long bubble bath. Maybe—
“Hey.”
Jamie spun to see her standing next to the couch, her long legs bare and smooth. His chest tightened at the sight of her in his dogs-playing-poker T-shirt. She wore her glasses with no makeup, and her hair was slightly wavy with damp. In short, she looked perfect. His gaze fell to the tiny hem of black fabric that covered her just past the bottom of the shirt. They looked like very short shorts. He squinted. “Are you wearing my underwear?”
She spread her hand as if to cover them. “I hope that’s okay. I didn’t have anything else.”
“Oh, I’m perfectly fine with that.” He held up the bag and gestured in the direction of the kitchen. “Hungry?” She hurried ahead of him, offering the view he’d been looking for. Just as he’d expected, her small ass looked perfect in the soft cotton, especially when she leaned forward to clear a space on the table. “I got some plates and silverware out. What do you want to drink?”
You. He cleared his throat and handed her the sack. “Here. I’ll get the drinks.”
He filled two glasses with ice water, then opened the bottle of red wine from the pantry. All the while, he could hear her behind him. The paper rustle of the bag. The clink of silverware.
His neck went warm with awareness. Jamie ignored the strange feeling and carried the glasses to the table. “So, tell me where you grew up,” he said as he waited for her to serve herself.
“St. Paul.”
“Sounds cold.”
A smile flitted over her face. “It was all right. I lived in a nice neighborhood, went to a nice school.”
“But?” There was no mistaking the weight in her voice.
“But…my dad was an investment broker. My mom was a real estate agent. They spent their free time investing in businesses. And I was a latchkey kid. A big house, but just me in it most of the time.” She shrugged. “That’s all. No abuse. No movie-of-the-week trouble. It was just quiet. And they expected a lot of me.”
“They’re still alive?”
“Yes, I just don’t see them very often. There’s no point, especially now that Victor is gone. They approved of him, so I was successful in their eyes. Now…back to disappointing. I’m sorry…I know you must miss your parents terribly….”
“I do, but that doesn’t mean you have to get along with yours.”
“That’s a relief.”
&nb
sp; “So were you an overachiever in school?”
“Oh, boy. Was I ever. I was too busy for parties and boys. Being involved in a dozen after-school clubs tends to suck up a lot of time. What about you? What were you like?”
“Exactly what you’d expect I was like.”
“Hmm.” She studied him as if she really had to think hard about it. “I think you skated by with C’s. You were popular. Really popular. You went to all the parties. Got drunk a lot. Went to school late. But you were always respectful of your teachers. Always polite.”
He inclined his head in acknowledgement. “All true, except for the drinking. I didn’t do that very often.” He said it as if it meant nothing, and Olivia took it that way.
“You? The heir to a brewery throne?”
“Well, beer is more like food. As long as you’re not doing keg stands.”
“Keg stands?”
He waved his hand. “Never mind.”
“And your brother took care of you?”
“Yeah. There was tension, though. Needless to say, I didn’t think I needed taking care of. I thought I’d be fine on my own. Of course, I wouldn’t have. We lived in my parents’ house. My sister still lives there.”
“When did you buy this place?”
He told her all about his house. The changes he’d made. The plans he still had. He loved this place. It belonged to him in a way nothing else in his life did. Hell, even his family was growing apart. He fought with Eric more than ever, and Tessa was in love and moving on.
“I’ve always been fascinated by siblings,” she murmured, pushing some noodles around on her plate.
“Yeah? You can borrow mine if you like.”
She laughed. “You know you love them.”
“I do, yeah. But the relationships are insanely complicated. The thing is…you think you know each other better than anyone else in the world. You grew up with these people, so you should, right? But it’s not that simple. Sometimes they know less about you than anyone else.”
Olivia set down her fork. “Like what?”
Oh, no. He wasn’t going to go there. He shook his head. “Nothing. Just little things. Like how I thought my sister was a sweet, innocent girl and now she’s shacking up with a jaded cop.”
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