Medium in Paradise: A Humorous Paradise Romance

by Moray, Tabby

  “Now, wait just a minute.” The ghost hastily floated to the ceiling, assuming the lotus pose. “As everyone knows all ghosts remain on this plane of existence for a reason. The same is true for me.”

  “Umm-hmm, that’s why we do what we do--” she gestured to Taavi. “--to help you discover that reason and then get you to the light.” Dina’s mother began lighting white tea candles and putting herbs in a mortar and pestle, crushing them grimly.

  “Mom, you keep a mortar and pestle in your purse?” Dina frowned, staring down into the depths of her mother’s cavernous bag. She possessively snapped it closed as Dina reached a hand inside to finger what looked like a dried animal skin.

  “Always be prepared. Now move outta the way, honey and let your mother do what she does best.” Holding her hands up, she closed her eyes and opened her mouth.

  “Wait! I already know the reason why I’m still here.” The ghost floated down to a safe height, her giant phantom boobs jiggling slightly with her movement. Damn things seemed as realistic as her own.

  “An enlightened ghost. I do think I’ve seen it all. Pray do tell us why you’re still here,” Dina’s mother drawled. They all looked up at the ghost, awaiting her response.

  “I’m here to set Dina up with my fiancé.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  “So that’s your big reason for coming back? To be a matchmaker?” Dina stared at her askance and would’ve laughed if the situation wasn’t so strange. “You know, I’ve heard of a lot of reasons for spirits haunting houses: horrific life before death, murder, guilt, evil spirit, intense sadness--you know—important things. But I’ve never heard of a ghost returning to become a matchmaker. That’s gotta be one of the most shallow reasons to return from the dead that I’ve ever heard of! Is this man even alive?”

  “Of course he is, silly! Why else would I be trying to set you up with him?” She floated down, perching on the edge of the counter. She leaned forward, smiling coyly as Taavi’s eyes quickly darted away from the dangerous Gulf of Paranormal Cleavage he was swimming into. “He’s all alone and I want to do one good thing for him before I leave for good.”

  “I’m afraid you wasted your cosmic energy. You see, I already have a man.”

  “Who? Not Anthony?”

  “Yes, Anthony,” her mother chimed in, coughing delicately.

  “Isn’t this the same man that couldn’t be bothered to call you when you got the keys to your new house? I mean, come on! Could he have made a weaker excuse?”

  “Dina knows I don’t like him. He’s not right for her. He doesn’t even respect her gifts,” her mother said as she lit candles and pulled out a bag of sea salt.

  “Mom!” She drilled her mother with a sizzling look. “Look-- sorry, but you’re gonna have to choose somebody else for your dating game.”

  “Nope, I was drawn to you specifically.”

  “Well, that’s because I’m the complete package. I’m successful, attractive and I can cook. I’m a good catch for any man.” She realized she sounded a little snooty. But if the shoe fits…

  “And yet Anthony doesn’t seem to realize that,” her mother interjected, dropping the salt to the table with an audible thump. “Why is that?”

  “Mom--,” Dina said, wearily. “Not now.”

  “Edith is right,” Sam agreed, nodding like an all wise shaman. “But while all of those qualities are great, it was more than just that. Out of all the women within a four hundred mile radius only thirteen of them could sense me. Six of them were too young, three of them were too old, one was a lesbian, and two were married. That left only you: lucky number thirteen.”

  “I’m sorry but I’m not available. I guess your fiancé will just have to learn to get along on his own. Mom, Taavi, could you all get going with the banishing ritual? I’d like to bring you on a tour of the house…”

  “What’s your name, honey?” her mother suddenly asked. Halting with her salt sprinkling, she slid onto a counter stool.

  Honey? Oh, no, when you asked a spirts name you were either preparing to rid yourself of their company or inviting them to enjoy a cozy stay. This wasn’t a good sign.

  “Samantha Goode. Sam to my friends. Nice to make your acquaintance.” She smiled, floating around and shaking each of their hands. When she got to Dina, she just gave her a hard stare until she got the message and floated away with a shrug.

  “And how did you die?” Taavi asked.

  “Car accident two years ago yesterday,” she said, cheerfully sipping from a cup of coffee. Dina watched in dismay as the coffee poured straight through the ghost’s body and splashed onto the once pristine hardwoods.

  “What the--!” she exclaimed, running over and looking at the mess then glaring up at the ghost. “You can’t drink real coffee! You’re dead, remember?”

  “Oops! Sorry! Being around you guys, I forgot for a minute there.” She floated a mop over and cleaned the mess up, then put it back in the corner. “So, anyway, where was I? Oh, I remember! So, the car plunged over the bridge and into the water, I slammed my head my head against the dashboard, drowned on the way down and the rest is history.”

  “Now I know why you looked familiar,” Dina said, snapping her fingers with sudden recognition. “You were that up and coming fashion designer. You were in that accident on the bridge that runs beside the community center.”

  “Yep, I’m the only person to have ever died on that bridge.” This was said with another one of her signature smug looks.

  “That’s not exactly anything to be proud of, Sam,” she chastised with a frown.

  “All the truly great ones died tragically.” The ghost laid a dramatic hand against her forehead, staring theatrically into the distance. “Now I can add my name to the roster. It’s better to die young and beautiful than old and forgotten.”

  “You’re so shallow,” she said, wonderingly. “Is this something you picked up on the spirit realm or is this just who you are?”

  “I’ve always been this amazing.”

  “Humph!”

  “As I was plunging into the abyss, realizing I was about to die, the first thing I thought was, ‘Damn, and just when my new line was about to come out!’ What a waste of talent, right? I just made the best out of the situation. You know—glass half-full and all. Though my business partner didn’t waste any time stealing my designs and claiming them as her own,” she grumbled.

  “So you reappeared on the two year anniversary of your death?” Taavi asked, leaning against the counter and sipping from his second cup of coffee.

  “Yeah—yeah, I guess I did,” she said, sitting up straight as though she’d just realized that particular fact. “That’s got to mean something, huh?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe,” Taavi said, thoughtfully.

  “So what have you been doing these last two years?” her mother asked.

  “When you’re dead time doesn’t really exist. But I’ve been travelling a lot. Visited my dead grammy—she was very sad to see that I’d died so young but happy to see me—a cousin that died of breast cancer and a couple of friends that died in high school and college. I’ve floated in and out of a space that’s like a waiting room for souls like mine and I’ve learned how to manipulate the physical world. Like so--,” Sam suddenly made a sphere of blue flame appear in the palm of her hand, snuffing it out when she balled her hand into a fist.

  “Fascinante. I’ve never seen anything like you. Do you mind if I record you while I’m here?” Taavi asked, his eagerness somewhat annoying to Dina.

  “Feel free. Not like I have anything better to do,” she replied with a cheeky grin.

  “Tell us a little bit about this fiancé of yours--,” her mother began.

  “Mother!”

  “What’ll it hurt, sweetie?” Her mother shrugged, walking over to sit on the sofa and crossing her legs. “We listen to what Sam here has to say and if you don’t like it, we banish her. It’s as simple as that.”

  “It’s not as simple as that,”
she huffed, unable to believe her mother was entertaining Sam’s incredible proposition. “I tried to banish her yesterday and it didn’t work. Not to mention the protection spells she managed to break. She’s clearly not an ordinary spirit.”

  “You’re out of practice, Dina, that’s why your protection spell didn’t work.” Her mother’s supremely confident tone irked Dina to the bone. But she couldn’t exactly deny her words. The last time she’d done a protection spell was back during her freshman year in college. “I’m sure between Taavi and I that we can more than manage to remove Sam from your house if she proves to be…difficult.”

  “She’s already proven that.”

  “Now, now—I don’t want to be the cause of any mother daughter dissention.” Sam floated down between the two of them like a referee in a boxing match.

  “Believe me, we don’t need you here for that,” Dina’s mother said, throwing her a wry look.

  Taavi came back inside, a small handheld camcorder his hands. He fiddled with the camcorders controls, aimed it at Sam and began to record. Playing along, she transformed her outfit into a sexy trapeze performer’s sequined leotard, throwing tiny balls of flame into the air in quick succession. Changing them into dollar bills mid-air, she funneled the money into the crater between her double D’s, smiling for the cameras.

  “Oh, good God. Why do you want to encourage her?” Dina griped.

  “This is just incredible.” Her mother looked daggers at Taavi’s open-mouthed fascination. “I mean—her abilities, darling.”

  “I’m sure you do,” her mother muttered. “So back to the task at hand…,”

  “Yes, I was about to tell you about Arnie--,”

  “Arnie? His name’s Arnie?” Dina asked.

  “Short for Barney.”

  “Oh, jeez,” Dina sighed. “If his last name is Fife this is definitely not gonna work.”

  “Dina, nobody’s asking you to marry him. She went through a lot of effort to be here so obviously this is an important thing. Otherwise, she’d be reclining in Heaven--,”

  “Or burning in hell.” Dina added.

  “Just hear the woman out,” her mother urged.

  “I don’t want to,” she snapped. “I’d just as well rather have her go back where she came from. And since when did you bother listening to ghosts?”

  “This is a special case.”

  “So, back to Barney,” Sam said, phasing back into jeans and a tank top and sitting on the far end of the sectional. “He’s an absolute sweetheart. And he’s got the three L’s every girl should look for in a man: loyal, loving and lusty.”

  “And do not forget long suffering,” Taavi added without looking up from the camcorder. As one, the women turned and looked at him.

  “Is that not true?” he asked, turning the camcorder off and looking up at each of them in turn.

  By silent, mutual agreement, they all decided to ignore his rhetorical question.

  “Plus, he’s a top-notch hottie. He’s a detective at the police department, but the last truly violent death was, well, when I died, so his hours are pretty consistent--,”

  “Hmm, so good so far.” Her mother actually looked at her for approval.

  “Yeah, he sounds great. Good to know his hours, too. That way his dinner won’t get too dried out in the oven,” Dina said, sarcasm dripping from her tone.

  “Anyway, since I died he hasn’t really dated anyone and he’s sort of…let himself go.” If it were possible for a ghost to look shifty-eyed, Sam superbly achieved the expression.

  “What do you mean?” Dina asked, suspiciously.

  “He put on a few pounds. But he was always into fitness so it shouldn’t be too hard for him to get back on track,” she said in a rush.

  “Just how overweight is he?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Twenty or thirty pounds at least. I couldn’t really tell from where I was watching him.”

  “Sounds to me like you left out one major L in your description: lazy.”

  “He’s not lazy, he’s depressed.” Sam’s cheerful attitude was slowly eroding beneath Dina’s refusal to play along. “He’s a really great guy if you’d give him a chance.”

  “So he’s fat and depressed? No, thank you. I’ve got enough problems in my life.” Dina’s tone was deliberately cruel as she attempted to shake the ghost and her mother off this crazy scheme.

  “Believe me, he’s ten times the man Anthony will ever be,” Sam retorted, finally getting irritated. “He’ll never lie to you, cheat on you or treat you like you’re second best. He’ll rub your feet even if he’s dead tired and he’s a helluva cook. You’ll be so lucky to get a man even half as good as he is.”

  “You know nothing about me or my life.” Dina regarded her with a raised eyebrow. She could get as mad as she wanted to. She had no intentions of giving in to the ghosts demands.

  “Why not check the guy out, Dina?” Taavi piped up, surprising her by joining the ghost’s side. “Even if it doesn’t work out, maybe you’ll help give Sam some closure and she can move into the light.”

  “Taavi’s right,” her mother agreed, nodding her head. “At the very least you’ll help Sam out which is what God put us on this earth to do.”

  Dina wasn’t fooled for a moment. She knew what her mother really wanted was for her to get rid of Anthony, something she’d only do if and when she was ready to make that move. But still, she wanted this annoying ghost gone as soon as possible and if going out on a date with her former fiancé would achieve that end...

  “So if I go out on just one date with this man you’ll leave me be and go on to haunt some other poor soul?” Dina asked, fearfully thinking that despite her mother’s reassurances, this ghost would probably hound her until the day she died.

  “I’ll be gone for good. Whatever the hell that means.” For the first time the happy-go-lucky ghost looked uncertain, but then her worried look was wiped out by another of her brilliant smiles.

  “It’s settled then. Dina goes out with this man of yours and if it doesn’t work out, you leave no matter what.”

  “And if this man is not interested, or has a girlfriend, what then?” Taavi queried. It appeared he was the sole voice of reason at the moment.

  “Just steal him!” she replied, cheerfully. “Dina can get any man she wants.” She floated down and patted Dina’s tush admiringly.

  “Hey!” A strange tingling sensation was left where the cool palm of the ghost had lain. “I’m not stealing anybody’s man. If he has a girlfriend, all bets are off.”

  “Calm down. He’s single.”

  “How do you know that?” she asked.

  “I do my research. I found you, didn’t I?”

  “Unfortunately.”

  “So before any date can happen I figure we need to arrange a way you can meet him. It would be weird if you told him you were getting the hook-up from the ghost of his dead fiancée.”

  “Clearly,” she said, dryly.

  “So, a little birdie told me the police department is launching a new health initiative for their entire police department and I figured you could apply for the fitness instructor opening. They won’t pay as much as you probably get at that swanky studio of yours, but still, it’s nothing to complain about.”

  “How do you know about my studio?”

  “I nosed through your stuff and saw some pics. Nice. Very nice.”

  “Of course. Why’d I even ask? I’ll bet you even know where--,”

  “The KY Jelly and condoms are? I do.” Her smile was wicked as a phantom halo appeared above her head. Embarrassed, she quickly glanced at her mother and Taavi, who to their own credit pretended not to hear. Dina just closed her eyes, praying for sanity.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Bright and early Monday morning, Dina was driving along to the Glynn County Police Department, on her way to initiate part one of Operation Date Barney Nichols.

  She just couldn’t believe this. Couldn’t believe it! She’d somehow been talked—no,
manipulated—into meeting with the strange, overweight ex-fiancé of a ghost. Who’d’ve thought that she, the granddaughter of a famed local psychic, would be in this predicament? She couldn’t help but appreciate the irony.

  The warm, salt tinged kiss of an early morning breeze blew in through the open car window, teasing out a few tendrils of the hair she’d tucked into a loose French braid. Majestic live oaks, their long, reaching branches dripping with Spanish moss, lined the road alongside pine and scraggly cedars, their pleasant scent mingling with the salty tang of the never distant ocean. The distinctive call of a snowy white egret drew her eyes to its elegant flight overhead, its large body moving gracefully through the air. Dina drew in a deep breath, trying to relax and enjoy the sights of the island she called home. She focused on the positive: she’d gotten a full night’s sleep and after that whole meet-the-ghost-thing on Saturday, she hadn’t had a sighting since.

  How hard could this be? She’d go in, apply for this fitness instructor position, meet this Barney Nichols fellow, sabotage any chance she’d have at dating a man she didn’t want to date anyway and get rid of the ghost. Piece of cake.

  How she’d even come to be in this situation to begin with, during a weekend that should’ve been the happiest of her life, was still boggling her mind. Her mother was right, all of this had happened because she was out of practice. Well, she’d set all of that straight after this whole ghost-haunting-her-house business was over. As soon as she was banished, she was going to brush up on some of the skills she’d learned in her youth. She might even learn a few new ones. Comforted by these thoughts, she smiled, turning her radio on and trying to figure out how she’d squeeze another class or two into her already full schedule.

  “So, don’t forget what I told you,” a voice said close to her ear.

  Dina screamed for the third time that weekend, nearly running into the back of a tiny, dark-haired girl on a Vespa. The girl gave her a nasty look, shooting her the bird before speeding off.

  “That wasn’t very nice.” Sam appeared in the back seat, her long hair blowing in the breeze like a pennant as she stuck her head out the window.