Medium in Paradise: A Humorous Paradise Romance

by Moray, Tabby

  After much thought, she had decided to open up a flex schedule to allow the police department personnel to choose between any of the classes she was teaching Monday through Saturday. Based on the fee she was being paid, they were allowed up to three classes a week.

  “I take my job of getting people in shape very seriously,” she said, slowly walking around the room and examining her student’s physiques like a doctor during an initial office visit. As she walked behind Barney her eyes strayed to his tush. She couldn’t help but notice that despite having a body that could use a bit of a workout, that he had a very nice ass. Firm and masculine without being too much or too little. Perfect. She quickly averted her eyes when he turned to look at her, his arms held protectively over his soft stomach. “Part of getting into good shape requires changing the crappy foods you’re eating and substituting in foods that will nourish your body.”

  “Eh, look--,” said a burly guy with thick, hairy forearms and a balding head. From the sounds of his accent he was a misplaced Bostonian. He looked at his handout with disgust and shook his head. “I don’t eat no leafy green stuff.”

  “You do now.” Dina turned to look at him when she was back at the front of the class, her eyes piercing.

  “You don’t understand. I just can’t get dat stuff to go down.” For such a big imposing looking guy, he was pretty whiney.

  “Then force it down,” she commanded, her eyes implacable.

  “But I’m allergic to kale and that seems like a major addition to all the smoothie recipes,” one woman said in a timid voice, her washed out blue eyes miserable.

  “Then substitute spinach. I have a whole list of substitutions on the last two pages of the handout. Look—the handout is just a blueprint. If you have access to a well-rounded dietary plan that’s low in fat, carbs and sugar, than by all means use it.” Dina was accustomed to overcoming complaints when she initially informed students that in order to lose weight they’d have to not only exercise, but change their choice of foods. “Enriching your diet with fiber and protein is a huge part of losing weight. While helpful, increasing your exercise will only do so much. It’s the bad dietary choices that got most of us where we are today.”

  “Us?” said a good-looking guy with a body that clearly got plenty of working out. His body language and the flirtatious way he said the words told her he was well accustomed to plenty of feminine attention. There was one like him in every class and she’d learned a long time ago how to deflect their clumsy advances. Ignore them.

  “Yes. Us. This is a group effort.”

  “You have a perfect body so I’m sure you don’t know what they’re going through.”

  “Just for the record,” she said, ignoring the guy who’d spoken. “At one point I was more than one hundred pounds overweight and ready to win the couch potato of the year award.” Cutting the lights off, Dina turned on the projector Lila had set up earlier, pulling up an old picture of herself. A fat Dina stared out at the world, a solemn expression on her young face. Even now, it was hard to look at her. Hard to share who she used to be with her students. But one of her biggest jobs as an exercise instructor was to motivate. Of course the gasp or two a few students uttered was a little dramatic and pretty irritating, but not totally unexpected. “It took a lot of hard work and dedication to get where I am today. No one here looks like they need to lose that much weight so I know everybody here can reach their fitness goals.”

  “But--,”

  ““Without further ado, let’s get started on our warm-up,” she said. She cut the lights back on, interrupted the Bostonian mid-whine and went to work.

  **

  Dina was instructing an older police officer on the correct way to do a squat, when Sam suddenly popped up wearing ridiculously bright workout gear.

  “God I haven’t had a good workout in years. This feels great,” Sam the Ghost said as she went down for a deep stretch, head between her legs.

  Dina yelped, stumbling through Sam’s ghostly visage and feeling the same strange tingle she had when they’d touched before. Several of the class members turned to look at her and she smiled awkwardly.

  “He’s got great buns doesn’t he?” Sam whispered conspiratorially. “Nod your head if you agree.”

  “I won’t,” she hissed in a low voice. “Please go away. Now.”

  “And miss all the fun? Heck no!” She floated above, head still between her legs, a smirk on her face. “I hope you’ve managed to move ahead with our plans in regards to Arnie.”

  Dina tried her hardest to ignore her, but when she said those last words she must’ve made some noise because the object of their conversation abruptly stood up to look at her, startled. He then looked above, frowning hard. Had he heard Sam? He’d heard her when they’d been in the bathroom so there was a good chance he’d heard her just now.

  “Look, I know you don’t want to do this, Dina.” Sam floated down, unfolding her body and standing beside her. “All I’m trying to do is right any wrongs I’ve done. To settle my unfinished affairs. The quicker you get moving the quicker I can be out of your hair.”

  “So you’ve said before,” she said in as low a voice as she could manage. A couple of people in the front row still managed to hear at least some of what she’d said and looked at her quizzically. She responded by going over and correcting their form, perhaps pressing them down a tad further than intended if their tortured groans were anything to go by.

  “Then what are you waiting for? Ask the man out and move this thing to the next stage!”

  “Ok, everybody. Continue stretching until I come back.” Stalking out the entrance to the studio and rounding the corner leading to the locker rooms, she turned, angrily facing the ghost. Keeping her voice low, she hissed, “First off, it’s not as easy as you think to ask some strange man that doesn’t know me from Adam out on a date. I just met him for heaven’s sake! Don’t you think it’ll be rushing things a little to suddenly ask him out?”

  “Not really,” she shrugged. “Arnie likes a woman that takes charge. That’s what I had to do. Otherwise I’d’ve been waiting forever.”

  “Ok, well, this situation is a little different,” she said, putting her hands on her hips and exhaling noisily. “First off--,”

  “First off--,” Sam mimicked in a high voice. “--you already said first off.”

  “Well—well then, secondly, we haven’t even had an opening that would warrant me asking him out in a way that’s even remotely natural. And thirdly…I’m nervous. I’ve never asked a man out and never intended to. Ever.”

  “Then you’ll have to grow a pair because Arnie will never ask you out. Women like you intimidate him.”

  “Women like me? What the hell’s that mean?”

  “I mean that you’re an independent, self-made Don’t-Need-A-Man sort of girl that he’d never have the guts to ask out.”

  “Then why do you think he’d be interested in me?”

  “Because that’s just the sort of girl I was and he adored me. Take my word for it,” she said, floating down beside her and leaning against the wall. “He’s gonna love you. You’re perfect for him. Matter of fact, now’s the perfect opportunity for you to ask him out.”

  “Look, remember I told you I already have a boyfriend,” she said sternly. “And what do you mean ‘Now’s the perfect opportunity to ask him out’?”

  “It’ll be so much easier to show you rather than tell you.”

  Sam disappeared and as Dina turned around, she saw Detective Barney Nichols walking towards her with that same wary, cautious stare he’d worn when they’d first met. As he got closer, she felt invasive hands shoving her none too gently in his direction.

  “Dammit, Sam! Stop it!” she hissed, furiously trying to set herself free. It was no use. It is nearly impossible to fight a determined ghost. With one last shove and a loud ‘Omphh!’ she ended up quite literally tossed in his arms, her hands gripping shoulders that were far more muscular feeling than they looked.

/>   “So we meet again, Ms. Douglass.” Detective Barney Nichols looked down into her eyes, and despite his flippant words, his own reflected the uncertainty she was feeling. Disconcertingly aware of the strong, sure arms wrapped around her waist and the steady rise and fall of his chest, she looked up into the warmth of the eyes gazing into her own. “It appears that you have a flair for the dramatic and that once again you were talking to someone. Sounded a lot like the woman you were talking to before.”

  “I—I don’t--,” she said, searching for some plausible fib to tell as she tried to disentangle herself from the detectives arms. “I was on my cell phone. The speaker was on, that’s all.”

  “But I don’t see a cell phone--,” His hands began a light search of her body. “--and I don’t feel one.”

  “Hey! What the hell are you doing?”

  “Trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing,” he replied, with a low chuckle. He blithely continued his thorough body search, his dark eyes boring into her own. “There’s something about you…you’re up to something, I just don’t know what.”

  “I’m not up to anything except trying to teach an exercise class,” she huffed, annoyed. “Now—will you let me go?”

  “I’m not the one keeping you here.”

  Though his arms still lightly encircled her waist and he didn’t exactly seem in a huge hurry to remove them, he wasn’t the problem. It was Sam. She was keeping her a virtual prisoner in this strangers arms. Dina closed her eyes, fighting off the panic threatening to overwhelm her. Her throat closed up as she tried to squeeze out the words, ‘Will you go out with me?’ leaving her swallowing convulsively and on the verge of a panic attack.

  “I—will you--,” She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and haltingly started over. “Would you like to go out for coffee after the class is over?” The pressure on her back disappeared and she was finally able to awkwardly disentangle herself from Detective Barney Nichols arms, her eyes darting everywhere but on him. He regarded her thoughtfully for several long, uncomfortable moments, during which time Dina wished the floor would just open up and swallow her whole.

  Finally, he said, “No,” very coolly. Then he turned on his heel and walked away, leaving a shocked and humiliated Dina seething in his wake.

  **

  “That’s exactly why I don’t ask men out!”

  Sam the Ghost appeared just as Dina was slipping into a steaming bath filled with strawberry pineapple scented bubbles and water as hot as she could take it. She also had an unopened bottle of very good Syrah she’d picked up on the way home. She hadn’t bothered bringing a glass because she intended to drink straight from the bottle.

  After her embarrassing first attempt to ask a man out, she’d finished her first class with the police department with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. Once class was over, she’d rushed to her office, hiding there until everybody had left, unable to face Detective Barney Nichols after his chilly dismissal.

  Sam the Ghost sat on the toilet lid, drawing her legs up and resting her chin on her knees. “I’ll admit I was taken for a loop when he said ‘no’, but I guess that means you’ll just have to try harder the next time.”

  “The next time?” Dina whipped her head around to glare at the ghost in disbelief. “There won’t be a next time. I think I’ve suffered enough humiliation at your hands.”

  “So that’s it? That’s how you achieved success in your life? You try something once, it doesn’t work and you just give up?” She crossed her arms, tossing her a disgusted look.

  “Sam, just stop. Your little mind games aren’t working on me.”

  She picked up the bottle of wine and took a large swig. Her body was flooded with curls of warmth, the delightful vino going down like smooth chocolate and ending on delicious tones of blackberry and cinnamon just as the description had said it would. She’d just have to work out extra hard this week to burn off all these empty calories.

  “We’ll figure something else out.” She looked deep in thought, her eyes looking faraway. “I sure wish I could taste some of that wine.” She gazed longingly at the bottle.

  “Why don’t you just conjure some of your own?” Dina asked, eyes closed as she took another deep swallow from the bottle.

  “It’s just not the same. Nothing here tastes as good as it did when I was alive.” The ghost sighed, then perked up, saying, “Someone’s at your door.”

  Sure enough, the doorbell chimed. Dina shook her head with a groan. “That better not be my mother or I’m gonna kill her.” She considered ignoring it, but it rang again. Sighing heavily, she slipped into a robe, then walked down the hall to the door. Sliding the security panel open, she was more than a little taken aback to see Detective Barney Nichols staring back at her.

  “Can I help you?” she asked, warily.

  “I stayed behind to make sure you got this--,” he said, holding her cellphone up to the panel. “—but when the lights went out I realized you were gone.”

  “Thanks,” she said with a frown. “I didn’t even realize I left it.” She’d been in such a rush to get out of there, it’s a wonder she hadn’t left something unlocked. On second thought…she probably had.

  Unlatching the door and turning off the security alarm, she unlocked the screened-in door so he could hand her the phone. His eyes strayed to the damp bit of skin exposed at her throat and an odd look came over his face.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “This used to be my house.” His voice was low, husky with emotion. He rocked back on his heels, a sad look crossing his face and disappearing nearly as quickly as it had come.

  “I—I didn’t know. I had no idea,” she said, astonished.

  “How could you?” he asked, his fathomless eyes looking into her own.

  “I—you’re right,” she said, stumbling over her words. “How could I know?” And better yet, why hadn’t Sam told her? “So, then, you were the seller that didn’t want to sell, huh?”

  “Yeah. And you were the buyer that drove a hard bargain.”

  “Some might say I just like to get a good deal.”

  “More like a great deal,” he laughed, shaking his head. He fell silent, standing back and looking up at the house.

  “Did you do all the renovations yourself?” she asked, leaning against the doorframe and crossing her arms.

  “Mostly. Sometimes a buddy of mine would come over to help.”

  “How long did it take?”

  “More than a year and a half.”

  “It’s beautiful. I love it. When I first saw it I knew it was where I wanted to spend the rest of my life,” she said softly.

  “I did, too.” He nodded his head, looking down. “But then--,” He stopped, looking off to the side, the light from the porch shining on his profile and creating pockets of dark, pooling shadows.

  “But then--?” she prompted him, eager to hear the rest.

  “But then everything changed and I was left with a house I no longer wanted.” The words were harsh and final, his body stiff, his back ramrod straight. “I should go. I’m glad you like the house. You look good in it. Have a nice night.”

  He walked down to the car he’d parked at the curb and with a final wave, sped off as fast as the speed limit would allow.

  **

  “Sam! Sam—come out right now!”

  “I’m here, I’m here. What’s got your panties in a bunch?” Sam the Ghost floated into view, rubbing her eyes as if she’d been awoken from a deep slumber.

  “Why didn’t you tell me this was your fiancé’s house?” Dina demanded, indignantly.

  “I didn’t think it was important information,” she replied, innocently. She yawned, stretching.

  “That’s bullshit! You left that out for a reason,” she said, suspiciously. “And stop with the act! Ghosts don’t need to sleep!”

  “I do need to recharge my energies. Maybe it’s not quite like slumber when you’re alive, but it serves the same purpose.”

&nbs
p; “Really?”

  “Umm-hmm.”

  “Anyway, you can’t imagine my shock when your guy told me I bought this house from him. Is that your connection here? This house?”

  “No, I never lived here. Arnie and I—well, Arnie--wanted to do things the old-fashioned way and move in together after we were married.”

  “But you did know about the house? It wasn’t a surprise for his future bride?”

  “No, nothing like that.”

  “Then I don’t understand your connection to this space. Normally ghosts are trapped in the place they died in, yet you really have no connection to this place beyond the fiancé that purchased it and that in and of itself isn’t enough to allow you to travel here at will. There’s something missing. What aren’t you telling me, Sam?”

  But Dina found she was talking to herself because Sam pulled yet another disappearing act.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Tuesday dawned dismal and grey. Then, as soon as she left the house, the cloudy sky finally opened up, pouring forth a torrent of rain.

  Instead of going straight to the studio, she stopped by the café next door, heading to a table overlooking the soggy, dripping seating outside. Quickly plopping her umbrella down at an empty table, she went to the counter and ordered her usual, reading a discarded newspaper while she waited for her order. Her cell phone rang, interrupting her scrutiny of a small, angry-looking woman having a disagreement with one of the barista’s.

  “Hey, babe. Can you pick me up from the airport on Friday?” Anthony asked once she ferreted her cell phone out of her purse.

  “I thought you weren’t going to be finished until late next week.” She resolutely tossed a handful of almonds in her mouth, trying to avoid the temptation of the chocolate-filled croissant calling her name from inside a gleaming display case.