Deep Blue

by Jules Barnard

  Suddenly, I’m not sure what we shared together. I thought trust, at the very least, but this is bad. Is it worse than me flirting with Jaeger? I don’t know. I question everything—my actions, Eric’s actions—but after the effort I made to have this confrontation, the idea of walking up to Eric right now makes me want to hurl. I’d rather leave.

  I don’t.

  Eric and his friends take a booth a few tables over. He’s smiling at something one of his friends says as I approach. The friend sees me first. He elbows Eric in the arm and Eric lifts his head, the smile dying on his face.

  My heart squeezes. Despite everything, I thought Eric cared for me. He seems shocked to see me, yes, but also annoyed. Like my presence has ruined his night, and that feels like shit.

  This is not love or caring. I don’t deserve whatever this is.

  Eric slides out of the booth and grabs my wrist. “Let’s talk outside.”

  He’s walking too fast. I yank from his hold and he glares at me as though I’m being a defiant child. The bouncer at the door stamps our hands and we exit Big Billy’s.

  Eric strides to a park bench at the far end of the block, as if he’s afraid someone will see us. He sits and waits for me to do the same. “What’s up?” The tone of his voice implies he wants to know why I’m here, not how I’m doing.

  “Seriously, Eric? I should ask you that question.”

  He lets out a tense sigh, leans on his knees, and drops his head in his hands. “I’m sorry. I meant to say something when I visited you in Tahoe … Fuck, Cali …” He looks up. “I chickened out.”

  Does he think our relationship will fade away into the ether like fog? Son of a bitch. I’m not leaving till he says it. “Well, I’m here. Spit it out, Eric.”

  He tenses, like he’s bracing for a storm. “I—I want to break up.”

  “No shit?” I go heavy on the sarcasm, because what the fuck? Any sort of confession that weekend he spent in Lake Tahoe would have been better than dragging things out for as long as he has. “And you thought avoiding me would be better than just saying so? A word of advice, Eric. Give the girl you’re dating a little respect and break up with her before you move on.”

  “I haven’t,” he says quickly. “Moved on. Not really. I want to, though.” He looks down and sighs heavily. “Look, Cali, you’re leaving, and I’ll find a job and all, but you’re going to Harvard to become a lawyer. We’re just … different. I can’t see us together.”

  All of a sudden, memories like missiles blast my gray matter, as though this is the end of my life instead of the end of a relationship … Eric getting trashed and leaving me at a bar to find my way home … Eric, more times than I can count, putting his friends ahead of spending time with me … Eric never introducing me to his family.

  Why didn’t he ever introduce me to his family?

  How in the world could I have imagined we had a good relationship? Was I delusional? My perspective is turned upside down … or maybe right side up. Eric and I shared good times, and he had his sweet moments, but this is some important shit I’ve blocked, because of what? Arrogance? Naivety? Avoidance?

  Holy shit. What have I been doing? “Good-bye, Eric.” I start to walk away.

  “Wait. I—we can still be friends.”

  I don’t know how to read the expression on his face. It’s not hopeful—more like resigned, as though he doesn’t want to be labeled the bad guy.

  “I don’t think so.” A part of me hurts at the idea of never seeing or talking to Eric again, but I can’t be his friend. First of all, he’s a shitty friend, considering how he broke up with me and thinking back to some of the things he’s done. Second, I need distance from him and the mess that was our relationship.

  Eric’s jaw drops slightly, but he makes no move to stop me as I head for the bar. Reese is waiting with another Purple Hooter. I don’t feel like drinking, but I down the shot, because she got it to cheer me up. She doesn’t ask what happened, but the look in her eyes says she already knows.

  Eric and his friends leave promptly after Eric returns. I stay as long as I can without making it obvious I don’t want to be there, which lasts about twenty minutes.

  Reese’s blond Viking boyfriend gives us a ride home, and after watching trashy TV for a couple of hours with Reese and her roommate, the snot and tears and choking hiccups come. I silently cry myself to sleep alone on their couch.

  Chapter Eight

  The return trip to Tahoe is therapeutic. I cry until I’m dehydrated. I haven’t decided if I’m weeping over the drama with Eric or my own stupidity about our relationship. A bit of both, I think.

  With a stop at a small sandwich shop in Placerville, I splash water on my face. My turkey club is soggy and tastes like cardboard, my drink like sugar water, but I chew and swallow and get back into the car. Before turning the ignition, I call Gen.

  “There you are,” she says. “How did it go?”

  “He dumped me.” My voice comes out strong, but there’s a slight quiver.

  Eric and I needed to break up, but I still care about him. Now that it’s over, I know I’ll miss him. Not in an I’m in love kind of way, but in a This is the guy I spent the last two years with way.

  A moment of silence passes. “Cali—I—wow. I’m sorry. I know that’s what people say to make other people feel better—I’ve heard it enough times these past few months—but in this case it’s the truth. He didn’t deserve you.”

  “I know. Now.”

  She lets out a soft sigh. “Where are you? I could find someone to take me—”

  “I’m fine. Just leaving Placerville.”

  “Okay.” Her voice sounds hesitant, and then, “Oh, no.”

  “What?”

  “We told Jaeger and Mason we’d go to the party tonight. But don’t worry. I’ll text Mason and tell him we can’t make it.”

  The part of me that hurts from rejection—which makes no sense, I wanted things over in the end as much as Eric did, but there it is—wants to crawl into bed and wallow. The other part, the part of me that encouraged Gen to get back out there after her breakup, insists we go to this party. “No, we’ll go.”

  “Really? Are you sure?”

  “It’ll be good for us.”

  “Don’t do this for me. I’m fine.”

  “I want to. I need to get out.” Out of my head—away from the self-pity.

  The steps up to Mason’s townhouse are located just down from the Heavenly Ski Resort. Dark, abandoned lift chairs glint in the moonlight. Voices and music carry in the evening air.

  Gen knocks and steps back, waiting. She’s wearing cute jeans and platform sandals. I’m in non-ass-cheek-baring dressy shorts, flats, and a light, fitted sweater.

  A minute passes. I shrug at her. “Try opening it.”

  She twists the knob and the door swings wide on oiled hinges. The sound of music and talking elevates to ear-blasting proportions. Bodies are everywhere.

  I scan until I see Jaeger’s head above all the rest. He’s in the middle of the room, talking animatedly.

  That’s weird. He’s usually pretty subdued.

  Warmth spreads along my limbs. I want to be close to him, to listen to his deep rumbly voice, to get lost in the forest green of his eyes. Arms linked, heads slightly bowed, Gen and I merge with the crowd, charging through like a pair of mini-linebackers.

  Jaeger glances up. A broad smile sweeps his face, sending my heart into hyperdrive. Within seconds, he’s by my side, dragging me to his solid chest and draping an arm over Gen’s shoulders. “Ladies! You made it.”

  This is where I want to be. Attraction aside, there’s something about Jaeger that’s so comforting and natural, it’s like I should have been here all along.

  Jaeger settles us under each of his muscled arms and guides us toward the kitchen, illuminated like a beacon within the mood-darkened apartment.

  The volume in the kitchen is deafening, most likely an artifact of our late arrival. People grow louder the more dr
unk they get and it’s after midnight. I got little sleep the night before, so a nap was mandatory, but it made us late.

  Jaeger pours two beers from the keg and nods to a corner in the dining area where his friends are. The crowd parts for him as he walks over, Gen and I tucked close behind.

  Mason’s hair and clothes are rumpled, as if it’s been a rough night. Adam stands beside Breanna, but she doesn’t look happy. It could have something to do with the fact that Adam is chatting up the girl next to him.

  God, I’m sick of shitty boyfriends.

  Mason spots Gen and his slightly glassy eyes light up. “You made it!” He grabs her waist and gives her a tight hug, taking a deliberate step back to run his gaze down her body. “And you look really pretty.”

  A flush spreads over Gen’s cheeks.

  Nothing like Gen flustered over male attention to put a smile on my face.

  Mason steps closer and drapes an arm over her shoulders. Oh, yeah, he wants her. Not that I doubted it, but with Mason in what I presume is a drunken state, it’s obvious.

  Gen subtly leans away, which is baffling. Mason’s a little tipsy, but he’s hot and sweet. She should be all over that.

  I nudge her closer, just to be annoying.

  She reaches back and pinches the thin skin on my forearm. It hurts like a bitch. I should never underestimate Gen in a test of physical prowess. The girl may be all that is elegance and poise, but she’s scrappy.

  Point taken. Cali’s matchmaking operation is shut down. I’ve proven I’m a poor judge of mates.

  I glance at Jaeger, who is inexplicably animated this evening. He’s actually doing the talking in a conversation with Adam. No matter what mistakes I made in choosing Eric, there’s no question that Jaeger is a good guy. And to confuse the situation even more, I don’t think Eric is a bad guy. He just wasn’t a good guy with me … which means good guys can be bad guys with the wrong girl …

  My brain hurts.

  I think I’ll give up this whole dating thing. Take a vacation from it. Focus on the future. Law school.

  Okay, maybe just the immediate future, not the post immediate future, where life takes the turn I’m not ready for.

  A sharp heel punctures my musings and my ballet flats, breaking the skin on the top of my foot. My gag reflexes activate. Mothereffer!

  Before I can even hop on one foot and attempt recovery, I’m knocked to the side by a bony hip as the wielder of the heel, wearing a cellophaned-on dress, latches on to Jaeger.

  “We’re taking shots. Join us,” says the girl with … crap, I’m not even sure what color her hair is. It’s sort of striped—brown? blond?—it’s nearly impossible to tell. She yanks Jaeger away.

  Jaeger hesitantly follows, glancing back without making eye contact.

  I sip my beer, fighting the urge to throw my cup at her head. She’s all over him, and I hate it.

  I hate it that I hate it.

  Breanna and I talk for at least an hour, and I’m so proud of myself. I don’t look for Jaeger once. This is a massive accomplishment, because I’m obsessively glancing every few minutes at my iPhone to keep my subconscious occupied. However, in my colossal effort to keep from looking for Jaeger, I’ve lost Gen.

  I remove my visual blinders in order to make sure my best friend hasn’t been roofied. I spot her a few feet away in a corner, loomed over by a medium-sized guy with a lightweight black jacket and hair product sculpted for the bedhead look. Gen in platforms is over six feet tall, so she must seriously be leaning away from him for her to be hidden by this guy.

  The place is crowded. I try to determine the most efficient way to reach her when I spot Mason. He’s facing my direction and I wave for his attention. Amazingly, in all this chaos, he sees me and smiles. I gesture to Gen with a distressed look on my face.

  Mason glances over and frowns. He immediately navigates his way through the crowd, slapping a large palm on the guy’s back. He pulls Gen out of the corner to his side. Casual words are exchanged between Mason and the unnamed male, then Gen and Mason walk off.

  I catch Mason’s eye and give him a thumbs up. He nods in recognition, but instead of bringing her over, he walks across the room and up a flight of stairs. Gen doesn’t seem distressed. She’s grinning, so I assume this is okay with her.

  Several more minutes pass as I listen to Breanna complain about Adam’s flirting with other women before I decide it’s time to check on Gen. “Breanna, watch my cup?” I hand her the beer I’ve barely touched. “I want to find out where Gen went.”

  “Yeah, no problem.” She looks around, confused. “I didn’t see her leave.”

  “I think she’s with Mason, but I want to make sure.”

  Breanna’s mouth twists. “And interrupt? If she’s with Mason, they might be …”

  Gen is the last person to have sex with a guy at a party. I’m 100 percent certain I won’t interrupt anything like that, but there’s a wide range in between. I hate to ruin Mason’s moves, but I’m not in the mood to trust anyone right now.

  “I’ll cover my eyes before I walk through any doors.”

  Breanna laughs. As we part, she turns to say something to Adam a couple of feet away, but he’s talking to a different girl this time. Breanna spins in the opposite direction and slams back her drink.

  I do not see that relationship lasting. And I wouldn’t blame Breanna if she were the one to end it.

  I round a corner at the top of the stairs and a hand reaches out and pulls me inside one of the bedrooms. “Gahhh!”

  “It’s me,” Jaeger chuckles in my ear.

  Nice. He thinks this is funny. He almost stopped my heart with that maneuver.

  “What are you doing?” I punch him in the stomach, which only bruises my knuckles.

  He looks down and shrugs it off, as if I patted him on the belly like a good boy. He guides me into the room by the shoulders. It’s small—a second bedroom that seems to serve as an office, with a couch against the wall.

  Before I know what’s happening, Jaeger plasters me to his chest and falls backward onto the couch.

  I’m sprawled on top of him, legs sliding off his waist in an inelegant partial straddle. He lies there with a goofy grin on his face, his arms loosely draped over my back.

  I could get up if I wanted to, but I don’t. “Well, this is—” I glance pointedly at my position atop him. “—interesting.”

  He squeezes me lightly.

  Jaeger is enormous compared to most guys, but I’ve never felt afraid with him. In fact, lying on top of his warm, utterly masculine body is amazing, and oddly comforting.

  I study the unguarded look in his eyes. He’s not as rumpled as Mason, but by my estimate, he’s three sheets to the wind. “How many beers does it take to topple a giant?”

  Jaeger squints and raises one hand. His fingers flick as if he’s counting. After an absurdly long time, in which I yawn and examine my nails while lying on my hot man-chaise, he finally says, “Twelve? No, fourteen—we downed two this morning.”

  “Fourteen! How are you even conscious?” I press my fingers to his neck, pretending to check for a pulse.

  His baseball glove–sized paw captures my hand and flattens it against his chest, his eyes closing contentedly. After a second of hesitation, I lay my head below his chin and consider how strange this moment is. I’m on Jaeger, in a loverlike pose, only he’s my friend. And yet, this is the only place I want to be. I won’t analyze that thought too closely.

  After a minute, Jaeger’s breathing changes.

  What the … He did not just fall asleep. We may be friends, but I’m still a woman, and, I like to think, fairly attractive.

  I squirm a little to test my theory. He doesn’t move. A light purr emanates from his throat, growing deep and steady.

  Goddammit, he did fall asleep!

  Great. Just great. What does it say when a guy passes out with a girl plastered on top of him? The hits to my ego just keep on coming.

  I press one ear to his wi
de chest, listening to him breathe. After a while, it grows creepy—on my part, not his—so I roll off my man-chaise and stand, collecting the remains of my dignity. I wouldn’t mind cuddling longer, but in Jaeger’s unconscious state, that would make it weird.

  Exiting the room quietly on a frustrated sigh, I close the door behind me. This party was just getting fun, hanging out alone with Jaeger.

  Down the hall another door opens. Gen walks out, followed by Mason. She sees me and relief washes over her face.

  What did Mason do? I spear him with a glare. He nods with barely a glance at me, and continues down the hall and around the corner.

  “Are you okay?” I ask Gen.

  “Yeah.” Her face is calm, so I relax a little. She glances after Mason. “I’ll explain in the car.”

  And she does. It turns out the party was a bust all around.

  Mason tried to kiss Gen in his bedroom and she dodged it. I tried to cuddle with Jaeger and he passed out. No one got lucky tonight. Not my goal, but still.

  My brilliant plan to help Gen is in a shambles and my own relationship drama battles hers for biggest disaster.

  Chapter Nine

  “Yo, sis, what’s up? I was just thinking about you.”

  My slightly overprotective brother, Tyler, is a slob, but he’s a good brother and I could really use his company. “What do you think about coming for a visit?” I say over the phone.

  Tyler is a community college teacher with summers off, so he’s available. As long as I don’t tell him about Eric—he hates my ex—having Tyler around will help take my mind off things. There’s a small voice in the back of my head that wants to pump Tyler for information about his old high school buddy Jaeger, but I’m ignoring it.

  He chuckles into the line. “Funny you should ask, because I’m here.”

  “What? Where?”

  “With Mom. Came out to see her new digs.”

  My mom just bought her first house, in Carson City. She’s rented her entire life, so this is huge.

  “You should check it out. It’s not much, but she’s proud. It would mean a lot if you came.”