Baby's Breath (Garden of Love 2)

by Melanie Wilber

  When the announcement came for boarding to begin, Josie couldn’t get on the plane fast enough. Once she was in her seat, she waited impatiently for everyone else to board. To help her relax and pass the time, she imagined what she would say to Mark when she arrived in his office.

  He didn’t know she was coming, but she knew he would be very pleased to see her. The thought of his warm and excited welcome was a pleasant one. Mark was a good man. She was fortunate to have him waiting for her after all the months they’d been apart. Mark would take her back without reservation. She wouldn’t have to tell him anything except that she loved him and wanted to marry him.

  The time in the air seemed short compared to all the waiting on the ground. Soon after the flight attendants had cleared away the drink cups and peanut wrappers, the pilot was announcing their descent into Sacramento. She wondered what it would be like to live in California. She imagined lots of blue-sky days and a lot less rain. The captain announced a rather mild temperature for mid January. It would be a nice change.

  She didn’t know if finding work here would be easy or not. Four years of nursing experience wouldn’t guarantee her anything, but once she and Mark were married, she could take her time finding something, or possibly go to back to school and become a midwife as she had been considering.

  She picked up a rental car, studied a map to determine which highway she needed to take, and had soon driven through the heart of the city, heading east toward the Sierra Foothills. The drive to Mark’s town took about an hour. She remembered the basic layout of the streets from when she had come here to meet his family last spring, and it didn’t take her long to find the office he shared with his father.

  Pulling into the small parking lot, she found an empty space and sighed. This was it. The answer to all her problems. Go inside, give Mark a kiss, and say, “Yes, I’ll marry you. Is two weeks soon enough?”

  She turned off the motor and grabbed the door handle with her fingertips. Taking a deep breath, she told herself to open the door, get out of the car, and go inside.

  But she couldn’t move.

  Come on Josie, you’re being ridiculous. Mark is right inside that building. You know he loves you. Get on with what you came here for!

  Her thoughts turned to Brandon. She had been trying not to think about him--of how he would respond when she told him she was in love with someone else. But before she could shut them out, the words he had spoken the night he told her about breaking his engagement with Kristin came to mind: Her eyes from that day still haunt me.

  Feeling tears stinging her eyes, she swallowed the lump in her throat and dropped her hand. She felt the anguish rising in her soul. What was she thinking? She couldn’t have Brandon return from Eugene to discover she had gotten engaged to someone else. How heartless could she be to even consider such a thing, let alone be thirty feet from making it a reality?

  Feeling drained and sick of herself, she began to sob. Laying her head on the steering wheel, she let the tears flow. Desperation had led her to hop on a plane, thinking she could solve everything with a big fat lie. But she couldn’t. She loved him too much. He was so special. So loving. So caring. Not someone who would leave her like Kent had. And not just a good man like Mark, but her soul-mate.

  Wiping her wet cheeks with the back of her hand, she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do now, but she knew she couldn’t follow through with her plans. She debated about going in to say hello to Mark, since she had come all this way, but she decided against it. He knew her well enough to assume she would only come for one reason: To say yes. She didn’t want to get his hopes up, even for a moment. She’d already hurt him back in August by hanging on to their relationship as long as she had before telling him the truth. Rejecting him face-to-face a second time would open old wounds. A simple, honest letter would be better.

  Pulling back onto the street and heading for the highway, she felt lost. Peace seemed like a distant friend that she hadn’t seen in a long time and feared she never would again. For several years now she had been doing fine. She had longed for a father for Tommy and for someone to love her, but Jesus had taken good care of her heart and all of their basic needs.

  Even in being alone, she had experienced wholeness and a real sense of God’s love for her that had sustained her and filled her heart with joy that hadn’t just helped her to hang on, but to be happy and thrive. And she knew the same was true for Tommy. His own father may have let him down, but God hadn’t. Tommy was a happy, smart, well-adjusted boy who knew he was special and loved.

  Where is my peace, God? Where is my joy? What happened to it?

  Be still and know that I am God.

  Josie wasn’t sure she could do that right now, but her spirit cried out to Him and she trusted that God would help her somehow. She was at the end of herself.

  She was able to get a flight back to Portland that evening. Rushing to the appropriate gate, she was one of the last people to board the plane and had to settle for a seat beside a woman with a fussy baby. She didn’t mind. Babies had always been a source of comfort for her when the rest of her life was a mess, even if they were screaming at the top of their lungs. Once they were in the air, the infant did better, and Josie made an effort to talk to the young mother who looked like she could use a friendly conversation. She learned her name was Marci and the two-month-old was Elizabeth, although she called her Libby several times.

  “I need to use the restroom,” Marci said after the seat-belt light went off. “Would you mind holding her for a few minutes?”

  “I’d be happy to,” Josie said, taking the little bundle into her arms and holding her close. Marci stood and stepped into the aisle, promising to be right back. Josie hoped the baby would remain content. She wouldn’t mind the fussing, she was certainly used to hearing babies cry, but those around her might not appreciate the sound.

  Libby took in the confined world around her with large eyes full of curiosity and wonder. She looked too perplexed at the strange face talking to her to think about getting upset. When Marci returned and took Libby into her own arms, Josie watched the young woman trying to keep the infant happy. She wondered what her story was; why she was on this flight, where the baby’s father was, if she was all alone; but she didn’t ask.

  Thinking about Karly and wondering how she was doing with the first week of motherhood, she felt better knowing she wasn’t alone. Her mother had been shocked to hear she had a grandson, but also concerned and supportive, telling Karly she was welcome to come home and stay until she and Danny could get married. She remembered the look on Karly’s face when she’d hung up the phone and thanked her for making her do that. Although, Josie knew she hadn’t made her do anything. Karly had made the choice for herself. The hard choice, but also the best.

  Watching Marci hold her baby close, Josie heard her singing a soft, peaceful lullaby. The baby looked content, and her eyes began to grow heavy. Josie prayed that whatever Marci’s situation was, God would extend His mercy in her time of need, and that Marci would accept it.

  Turning to look out the window, she saw the sun had left a golden hue to the sky after its descent. A calming peace came over her as a thought entered her mind--something she had considered a few times but had always quickly dismissed. This time she didn’t, and for the first time since Brandon’s proposal, she knew exactly what she needed to do.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Josie took a taxi from the airport to her apartment and called Lily to see if Tommy was in bed yet. He wasn’t, and Josie asked if she or Peter would mind driving him over.

  They both came and seemed anxious to hear what had happened with Mark and why she had returned so soon. She knew she couldn’t turn them away without an explanation. Once she had Tommy tucked into bed, she made them all some coffee and then told them about the letter Mark had written her.

  “I can’t tell you why, but I felt I needed to see him, but then when I got there, I couldn’t.”

  “You didn’t e
ven talk to him?” Lily asked.

  She shook her head. “Please don’t say anything to him about this. I don’t want to give him any false hope and have him knocking on my door this weekend. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I’m confused again.”

  “Do you want me to stay here with you tonight?”

  She appreciated Lily’s concern, but she declined.

  “I’ll be okay,” she said, accepting the hug Lily offered her. “But thanks. I may call you this weekend.”

  “Anytime,” she replied and gave her the, you definitely better call me look.

  They had just stepped out the door when the phone rang. She picked it up on the second ring, hoping it wasn’t the hospital calling to say they needed her. She felt exhausted, physically and emotionally.

  “Hey,” Brandon’s voice kissed her ear. “Where have you been all evening? I was beginning to think I was going to have to go all day without hearing your voice.”

  She hadn’t expected him to call while he was away. Thinking quickly, she tried to find something to say besides, I flew to California today and just got back.

  “Just had some things to do,” she replied. “How was your day?”

  “Not bad,” he said. “I miss you.”

  Josie fought back the tears. His voice was loving and tender. To think of how she had almost betrayed him today broke her heart into a million pieces. I’m an awful person, Brandon. You don’t want me. Please, can’t you see that? But something else came from her lips.

  “I miss you too,” she whispered.

  She knew he heard the broken tone in her voice. She sniffled and knew he heard that as well.

  “I’m sorry, baby,” he said. “I’ll come home tomorrow if you want me to. Wesley and Dad can fix the roof without me.”

  “No, stay,” she replied, feeling foolish. “I have to work anyway.” Brandon didn’t know she had gotten Sandie to cover for her this weekend since she had planned on being out of town.

  “Are you sure? I don’t mind only seeing you for a few hours. It’s better than nothing.”

  “No, Brandon, really. Help your dad. Spend some time with your family. I’m okay. I just wasn’t expecting you to call, and I suddenly realized how much I miss you.”

  “Why weren't you expecting me to call?”

  “I don’t know,” she laughed, surprised at the shock in his voice. “I just wasn’t. Have you forgotten how short a time we’ve known each other?”

  “Yes, I suppose I have. I feel like I’ve known you all my life, sweetheart.”

  Josie gave up. She didn’t bother trying to cut their conversation short. She didn’t want to. She talked and listened to the sound of his pleasant voice for the next hour as if nothing stood in their way. Tomorrow she would deal with reality. For now she wanted to believe in the fairy-tale.

  The following morning after getting Tommy off to school, she decided to follow through with what she had considered on the flight home last night. Just like Karly had needed help in taking care of a baby on her own, she knew she needed to talk to someone about Brandon. She was tired of trying to figure it out all by herself. She had failed miserably. The person that had come to mind had been Faith, her best friend and confidant for the last seven years. If anyone could help her sort out this mess, it was her.

  She hadn’t seen Faith since New Year’s Eve when she, Natalie, Brandon, and Tommy had gone to their house, staying up until midnight playing Monopoly, eating pizza and finger foods, and setting off some fireworks in the backyard. That had been a fun time. Brandon had teamed up with Tommy for the game, and they had bankrupted everyone else. Tommy had been so excited and had never gotten whiny and bored like he usually did during a long evening.

  She also remembered how Brandon had carried Tommy upstairs to bed after he had fallen asleep on the way home. Josie had overheard them talking when Tommy woke briefly.

  “Thanks for being my Monopoly buddy,” Brandon said. “We made a good team.”

  “Can we do that again next year, Brandon?”

  “I hope so.”

  When the bus arrived at her stop, Josie stepped off and went into Safeway to buy two turkey sandwiches at the deli counter along with some macaroni salad before walking the remaining distance to Faith’s.

  “You make such an adorable pregnant woman,” she said, patting her sister-in-law’s rounded belly as she entered the house and gave her a hug.

  “I’m starting to get to the point where I feel fat.”

  “Well, I think you look fabulous, and I’d bet money my brother thinks so too.”

  “I would have to agree with that,” Patrick said, coming from the kitchen into the front hall.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked.

  “We got back from my ultrasound right before you called,” Faith replied.

  “And I, being the wonderful husband that I am, fully in tune with my wife’s needs, took the morning off so I could be there,” Patrick added, giving Faith a kiss on the lips.

  “That’s you, honey,” Faith said, flashing Josie an amused expression.

  Josie smiled. It was obvious how in love they still were after twelve years of marriage. Patrick was on his way out and left them to enjoy their lunch together. Josie and Faith settled themselves at the kitchen table, eating their sandwiches and salad and sipping some honey-lemon tea.

  “Have you heard from Holly?” Josie asked.

  “Yes, last night in fact. She’s doing great.”

  Holly had decided to go live with her aunt and uncle in Hood River shortly after visiting them on Thanksgiving. They had a daughter Holly’s age, and Holly had felt welcomed and accepted by her extended family.

  “She’ll be starting school in a couple of weeks, going half-days, and she’s been offered a part-time job at a home day-care, so she can be with Sarah and make money at the same time.”

  Josie was glad to hear things were going well for the young girl. She had been praying for her. Josie told Faith about Karly also. They chatted for awhile longer, and Josie began to wonder if she had the courage to tell Faith why she had come. She hadn’t told anyone about Brandon’s proposal. Keeping it to herself seemed safe and comfortable. Telling Faith would force her to do something besides pretend it had never happened.

  “What’s on your mind, Josie?” Faith asked after a long silence. “Something tells me you came here to talk about something besides work.”

  She took a deep breath and shared the truth, knowing it was now or never. “Brandon asked me to marry him.”

  “He did?” Faith chimed as if that was the most wonderful news she’d ever heard. “When?”

  “At Christmas.”

  “Christmas?” Faith laughed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I haven’t told anyone.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I said no.”

  Josie looked up at her sister-in-law. Faith didn’t appear as shocked as Josie expected. “May I ask why?”

  “Because I can’t marry him.”

  Faith remained perfectly calm. Reaching out her hand, she grabbed Josie’s fingers and smiled. “Why not, Josie?”

  Josie suddenly felt as if Faith knew exactly what she was going to say. But how could she?

  “Because I don’t think he can love me!” she blurted out, beginning to feel annoyed at Faith’s calm attitude.

  “Why do you think that?”

  “Faith! Brandon is the most attractive, intelligent, caring, and humble man I have ever known, and I’m--” she looked away. “I’m--me.”

  “Yes, Josie you are exactly that: You. And Brandon loves you just the way you are. Anyone with eyes can see that.”

  Her heart felt as hard as a stone. “You don’t understand,” she said, shaking her head and rising from her chair. She went to the window and stared out into the backyard.

  Turning back, she told Faith the truth of the matter. “Brandon has never been with any other woman before, and now he’s decided he wants to marry me? I d
on’t think so.”

  Faith didn’t appear the least bit affected. “Is that it? That’s the only reason you said no?”

  “Did Brandon talk to you?” Josie asked.

  “No.”

  “Then why are you acting like you already know all this?”

  Faith smiled. “You think you’re the first woman who’s ever regretted her past, Josie? I see this all the time: Girls who think their life is over because they made a mistake; Women who think they don’t deserve anything good ever again because they lost their virginity prematurely, or had a baby outside of marriage, or had an abortion.”

  Josie felt a tear slide down her cheek. Faith rose from her chair and came to stand before her.

  “Have you forgotten that Jesus came to bring us forgiveness, Josie? Have you forgotten that you received that forgiveness seven years ago? Have you forgotten that He washed you as white as snow, that you are reborn and more innocent than a baby taking its first breath?”

  Josie didn’t know how to reply. Of course she knew all that. She had received His forgiveness. Hadn’t she?

  “Have you ever heard the story about the woman caught in the act of adultery and how Jesus protected her from being stoned?”

  Josie nodded. “Yes.”

  “Jesus told the men that the one who had never done anything wrong could cast the first stone, and all the men left because none of them were perfect either.”

  Josie didn’t understand how that related to her situation. No one was trying to accuse her of anything. She was the one who didn’t feel worthy of Brandon.

  “Do you remember what Jesus said to the woman?” Faith went on.

  “No.”

  Faith smiled. “He said, ‘Go and sin no more.’”

  Josie remembered once Faith said the words, but she didn’t understand why Faith was telling her all this.

  “He didn’t just say, ‘I forgive you. Don’t keep living that way.’ He said, ‘Go.’ He wanted her to be more than just forgiven; He wanted her to be free! Free from past sins, free to be blessed, free to live her life the way He intended--in happiness, in joy, in all its fullness.”