Sammy & Me

by Marie Yates

  The thought of going back used to make me feel sick. I dreaded driving past the place I was attacked, or seeing people who had once crossed the road to avoid talking to me. I desperately didn’t want to walk past the police station or my old school, both of which are hard to avoid. I don’t feel sick at the thought of it all anymore. I just don’t want to do it. It’s weird but it feels like a lifetime ago, while also feeling like yesterday if I let myself think about it for too long. I feel stronger, more in control, and I wonder if I would feel this way if I hadn’t been raped. I wonder if I would just be preoccupied with the little things and not feel as if I’d had to grow up overnight. In lots of ways, that would be a nice.

  So, I reckon that Mum was trying out some of Jane’s reverse psychology on me as all of a sudden, staying at home to do some jobs didn’t sound like a bad idea.

  After I’ve passed a grading, Mum can ask me anything as I feel like I’m on top of the world. I feel strong enough to cope with anything and talk about anything. Tonight was no different and I talked about not wanting to go back but that I didn’t feel frightened of the place any more. If Mum really wanted to go, it wouldn’t have bothered me, but I wouldn’t have joined her and I didn’t want her to take Reggie. He’s such an important part of who I’ve become that I don’t want the people from my past to meet him and stroke him. I guess that sounds a bit pathetic, but I don’t care. Mum said that if she ever decided to go back and visit, she wouldn’t take Reggie, even though I don’t think she understood why I was making a big deal out of it.

  I’ve been concentrating so hard on my grading and on passing this evening that I’d pretty much forgotten about Mum’s disappearing acts. Tonight, everything was normal. Mum said that we needed to ‘talk’ over the next couple of days but I’m so used to her saying that now, I didn’t think anything of it. I wonder what she meant?

  Right now, nothing can burst my ‘new belt bubble’. I’m lying on my bed with Reggie (Mum will never know he’s on the bed with me), ignoring the pile of assignments that I have to finish this week, listening to music and feeling really proud of myself. I’ll figure out my new goals another day, but for now, it’s all about me ticking off another belt on the road to the one I eventually want, my black belt.

  Fifteen

  Apparently I’m being childish. If I’m told to keep an afternoon free and there’s a comment about ‘three of us’ having a good time, then obviously I am thinking of THE THREE OF US. Me, Mum and Reggie.

  Nope, Mum has decided to tell me that she has been seeing someone – a guy from work called Sammy. This ‘friend’ is the person that she has been spending all those evenings with and she said that she didn’t want to tell me because she ‘didn’t know if it was going anywhere.’

  ‘So, I’m guessing that now that you’ve told me, it is officially “going somewhere”, whatever the hell that means,’ I said. ‘I kept tomorrow free like you asked because I thought we were going to head out with Reggie and have a chilled afternoon.’ I could feel the anger welling up. ‘You can’t just bring this Sammy guy along and think that’s okay.’

  ‘Dani, he’s a really lovely man.’

  ‘Yeah, like you’re going to say, “He’s a complete tool, but I’m seeing him anyway.”’ I couldn’t keep the sarcasm from my voice. ‘Of course you think he’s the greatest man that’s ever lived.’

  ‘There’s no need for that,’ Mum said. All I could imagine was this guy who works in the accounts department, dressed like a proper geek, glued to his laptop or reading those newspapers that you need arm extensions to hold open. Yeah, he sounded like a lot of fun.

  ‘I’m nice to your friends when they come over, so all I’m asking is that you do the same and be nice to Sammy.’

  She made it sound like some sort of interview, like he’s coming over to work out if he can ‘cope’ with me. I’m not part of some weird package deal, I don’t want a dad, I don’t want a stepdad and I don’t want some bloke in my house thinking he can get involved in my life. Mum can do whatever she wants, but it doesn’t have to have anything to do with me.

  Mum stayed calm while I was shouting, ‘I don’t want to spend tomorrow afternoon playing happy families with some bloke I’ve never met.’

  ‘I understand this is unexpected and you need to take some time to process it.’

  ‘Are you kidding me? Process it? You’ve been talking to Jane about this haven’t you?

  ‘Dani, all I’m asking is that you spend some time with me and my friend.’

  ‘It’s not though is it? It’s not just time with “you and your friend”. Normal friends just come over for dinner and then go away again.’

  I’d had enough and needed to be on my own.

  It’s always just been us. I like it just being us. Mum obviously doesn’t. She said that she has spent her life looking after me and now it’s time for her to live her life. Have I been holding her back from ‘living her life’ for all these years? While I’ve been quite happy with it just being the two of us, and even happier now it’s the three of us, has she been wishing that she had someone else? Is it my fault that she has never met someone?

  I’m scared about what this will mean. Everything will change and I don’t want it to change. I don’t want to spend the afternoon with Sammy. Mum said that she’s been able to talk to him about everything and that she hasn’t been lonely since she met him. So has she been lonely all this time too? I know that it’s great to have friends, but I didn’t think I’d been that horrible to live with that she’s been sad and lonely for years. When she said ‘everything’, I asked her if she’d told him about why we had really moved.

  She has. She bloody told him. So, this guy knows more about me than my new friends do. I asked what else he knew and Mum said that she told him how proud she was of me, that I was doing A Levels and that taekwondo had really helped me. Helped me? Is she SERIOUS? Why couldn’t she just say that I loved taekwondo, that I could kick his geeky arse into next week if I wanted to? Why does everything have to be linked to ‘helping me’. I don’t want to meet some guy who thinks he knows me already, who knows things about me that are really private and now probably just thinks I’m a sad kid who needs ‘help’. I don’t need help.

  I’m not going. I’m not spending tomorrow afternoon with him and Mum can’t make me. I’m going to take Reggie out and will make sure I’m not home. He’s not going to play happy families with me and he’s definitely not playing happy families with my dog. Mum can go and have the time of her life, which I’ve obviously been stopping her from doing, and I will go and ‘live my life’ too. I’ll take Reggie out for his normal walk in the morning and just won’t come back until late. She’s going to go mad but she’s doing that now anyway, at least if I’m not here I won’t have to listen to her. I get the added bonus of having a day out with my favourite boy and hopefully Frankie can come too. I’ve just sent her a text to ask if she’s free and I sent her a picture of Reggie, saying he’d love to meet her. She’s replied saying she’s coming home tomorrow so should be able to meet us. Sounds like a brilliant plan. No playing at happy families for me, Mum gets to ‘live her life’ and Reggie will have a brilliant day with me, and hopefully Frankie. That has to be worth getting shouted at for when we get home tomorrow night!

  Sixteen

  Mum and I still aren’t talking. I had the best day out with Reggie and had almost forgotten the text Mum sent yesterday afternoon. I left a note to tell her that I was staying out with Reggie and meeting a friend for a picnic in the park.

  Her text said, ‘I’m hurt and disappointed that you won’t be joining us this afternoon x.’

  Ah well, I’m hurt and disappointed that she has told Mr Geek all about me and expects me to just meet him and ‘be nice’ like it’s all perfectly normal.

  I was a bit nervous as I left the house. I had a rucksack full of stuff for Reggie: treats, toys, his water bottle, bowl, and a towel because if we walked near the pond in the park, I thought he’d definitely
end up swimming. I was right. I took some food and drinks for me too, hoping that Frankie would bring her own as my rucksack was already heavy. I knew that Mum would kick off about my not meeting Sammy, but I just couldn’t do it. I reckon she’d have kicked off even more if I’d stayed around and been rude, so actually, this was the best option for all of us.

  It was such a good afternoon! Once Frankie joined us, I almost forgot about what I was supposed to be doing. Reggie was amazing and loved Frankie immediately. She had brought some treats with her so she was automatically his new best friend. He also made friends with a little terrier while we were sitting chatting and they kept us entertained for ages. The small cute dog was running under Reggie’s belly, which he found confusing. It was amazing that their difference in size didn’t matter at all when they were playing. The terrier’s mum chatted to us while the dogs were racing around and Frankie said we sounded like proud parents as we talked about our dogs. Yep, I guess I am a proud mum and I don’t care how I sound, I love watching Reggie play and then come back to me for some cuddles and a treat. Well, I guess he puts up with the cuddles because he knows he’ll get a treat!

  I told Frankie about what I was supposed to be doing that afternoon. She laughed and said she’d be totally roasted if she dared not come home for something like that. She also couldn’t imagine her mum having a ‘boyfriend’ if her dad wasn’t around, and definitely didn’t want to imagine what that would be like! She said that if Mum really liked Sammy, that I’d have to meet him sometime and maybe he would be a nice guy.

  ‘You never know, you might like him,’ was her final statement before Reggie came over and shook pond water over us both. He really does have perfect timing. That was the start of a big game of chase where Frankie decided she’d try and outrun Reggie. It never happened and Frankie gave up long before her canine competition.

  She did a great job of tiring him out though as he spent the evening snoring and didn’t even wake up when he heard the car pull up outside the house.

  It must have been Sammy’s car as Mum’s was already parked outside when we got home, but she wasn’t there. I had made some dinner, fed Reggie and we’d stayed in my room all evening. I was a bit nervous about what would happen when Mum got home as I thought she might invite Sammy in and then make me come down and meet him.

  I heard the front door shut and didn’t hear any voices, then heard Mum make tea and go and put the TV on in her room. She would have seen from the state of the kitchen that we were home. That’s something else she can shout at me about when she starts talking to me again.

  Mum didn’t come and see us and hasn’t said anything to me so far today. When I got back from taking Reggie out this morning, I tidied up the kitchen, made breakfast and came back up to my room. I heard Mum go downstairs and talk to Reggie, but she hasn’t come upstairs again yet. This is getting awkward.

  I’m trying to write an essay but keep getting distracted, wondering if Mum is going to come up and have a go at me about yesterday. Frankie sent a message asking if I was still alive and when I replied saying that Mum was still ignoring me, she said that was even worse! I’m not sure if she’s right as I’m enjoying the peace at the moment. I know it won’t last forever!

  I’m using taekwondo for my essay, but it turns out I prefer doing it than writing about it. I have to explain how rules can help with group dynamics for a psychology essay. I asked Jane for an idea and she asked what the shared rules were in taekwondo. Luckily I asked her before Mum told me about Sammy or otherwise she’d probably have used an example that linked to me having to be nice to him. It was a good tip though as I can write about the five pillars of taekwondo and how they help us all to learn all the skills we need to get better. One of the pillars is self-defence and I’ve been reading about conflict management as part of how to assess a potential threat. I wish it gave me some tips about how to diffuse the situation with Mum. I am still gutted that she told Sammy the real reason why we moved here and didn’t tell me about him sooner so I’m going to happily stay in my room for as long as possible. I just wish I’d remembered to bring some biscuits up here with me!

  Seventeen

  After a really crap few days, things are less weird with Mum now. I just wish it had been because of something much better than finding out about things going wrong for Amie again. I do feel bad that I haven’t kept in touch with her as much as I should have done, but I sometimes just don’t know what to say. Even though we’ve been through the same thing, we’re dealing with it in really different ways.

  When I first met Amie, soon after she was raped, I was still in a really bad place. I was having the worst time at school, mainly thanks to her bitchy sister, and still figuring out how to get my own head together. Because Amie is a couple of years younger than I am, I think she looked up to me and wanted me to be there for her. I did my best, but I found it hard. It didn’t help that her sister was the ringleader of a group of girls who made my life a living hell just when I needed some time to be ‘normal’. Instead, I was the new kid in school, being bullied and wanting to curl up in bed and stay there. Amie took those feelings to the extreme when she tried to kill herself and I guess there was a part of me that understood why she had done it. I’m not saying I’ve never thought about it; but not seriously and definitely not to the point where I thought it would be a real option. What would Reggie do without me? Honestly, in those early days when we first moved here, he was the only thing keeping me going. He helped Amie too, and being his usual amazing self, he was there to help again today.

  Mum had a call yesterday evening and things have gone downhill for Amie again. I heard Mum put the phone down, go to the kitchen to make a cuppa and then come upstairs. As we hadn’t really spoken properly for ages, I thought she’d been on the phone to Jane and been told that she has to take the first step to be nice. Nope, it wasn’t going to be that easy.

  Mum handed me a cuppa and said, ‘We need to talk. There’re bigger things going on than your immature attitude towards Sammy. So for now, we need to put that to one side.’

  Wow, what an opener! To be fair, I wasn’t sure what to say to that so I just stared into my mug of tea hoping that I’d find some inspiration; I didn’t.

  ‘Amie’s been fighting at school, self-harming and is now refusing to go to school at all.’

  I wasn’t expecting that.

  Mum continued, ‘Her mum thinks that you’d be the best person to talk to her, and I think she wants someone to talk to for herself, too.’

  I just nodded, I wasn’t really sure what to say and I couldn’t let the ‘immature’ comment go. So I said, ‘I’m mature enough to talk to Amie then?’

  Yep, even I will admit that wasn’t the smartest move. Mum just rolled her eyes as she said, ‘I’ve arranged for us to go over to their house in the morning, after you’ve been to taekwondo. I think we can put our differences aside for the weekend to help somebody else.’

  There’s not much I could say to that so I slurped my tea as Mum got up to leave my room.

  I felt bad that it had been ages since I’d talked to Amie but I also wondered what I could say that was different to what I’d said before. If she didn’t want to listen then, what made them think she’d want to listen now? I know that I was lucky to have Mum and Jane around for me, but Amie has been to see therapists and had support too.

  We had laughed as Amie had described one therapist she was taken to see. ‘Honestly, Dani, she kept going on and on about self-care but I’ve got no idea what she meant.’

  ‘What do you want it to mean?’ I asked. I had this image of a skinny, aging hippy who thought she was helping when actually she was making everything worse.

  ‘I reckon self-care means eating a lot of ice cream, but that’s probably not what the crazy lady meant.’

  We had googled her and my mental image was pretty accurate. Her Twitter feed was just loads of pictures about ‘being kind to yourself’ which made us both want to puke in a bucket. At least it mad
e us laugh.

  I had also told Jane about the unhelpful therapist and she said to share the journal idea with Amie; I did that, I even bought her a journal as a present. I told her what I did with planning my goals, writing my successes and writing down what I was grateful for every day – okay, so every day is a lie, I know I need to start doing that again. She promised me that she’d try it but when I asked her about it earlier today, she said that she didn’t have any goals, never did anything that would count as a success and definitely didn’t have anything to be grateful for.

  It was a tough couple of hours. I was buzzing after taekwondo, I had Reggie with me and I thought I could cheer Amie up. It turns out that the only thing that brought a smile to her face was when I asked if she wanted to take Reggie to the park. She said she had no reason to leave the house anymore because the people at school were being really horrible, that she didn’t have any friends and her Mum had to call me to get me to come over; I wasn’t a real friend either. That hurt. I apologised and said that she was right, that I had been a crap friend. It didn’t feel right to say that I’d been having loads of fun at Sixth Form, that I’d met a great new friend and that finally things were going well for me. I didn’t want Amie to feel worse about what was going on in her life, but I also wanted her to know that she wouldn’t always feel this way if she didn’t want to. I couldn’t find the words, so we just walked with Reggie. She said that she’d had the best day she’d had in ages thanks to my boy and I promised we’d come back and see her soon.

  Her mum had said that there was a date booked in the diary and that if she tried her best to go to school, then she’d see Reggie (and us) in a month’s time. Amie had slammed the door and stomped up the stairs. After saying goodbye, we had left too.

  I’ve felt really bad about it all evening and sent Amie a cute picture of Reggie, saying it was great to see her and we would see her again really soon. I’m going to make more effort and at least text her more often. I hope she goes back to school as she’s just wasting her life at the moment.