Desired Affliction

by C. A. Harms

  “You know what is really funny about all this? You think I cheated so you blame me for ruining our relationship. You called me a slut and told me it was over…but you run back here and find your personal little ‘Whore’ so you can ‘Pay Me Back’. You’re gonna show me how two go play huh…fuck Hope and throw it in Lexi’s face.” Lexi looked back down at the picture she held in her hands and all at once it came flying across the room and as I ducked my head it hit the wall directly behind me and shattered. Hope screamed and Megan gasped but I just look back to Lexi. She wiped her tears from her cheeks, “I never slept with anybody Kole.” She pointed her thumb over her shoulder toward Megan, “If you would have listened to the whole thing…I could have told you that I was on the phone with Megan while I was at the bar. I freaked out because I knew that it wasn’t for me anymore and I ran to my car and left…I never even took a sip of the drinks I ordered.”

  My heart was beating so fast and I felt like my chest was going to explode. I almost fucked Hope because I was too stupid to listen to Lexi. I took a step toward her, “Lex baby…I’m sorry.” She turned and walked out my door but before she walked away she looked over her shoulder, “Kole I just want you to remember that you broke us and what you’ve done…it’s can’t be forgotten. You shattered my heart…Good Bye Kole.”

  I watched Lexi walk away and I flopped down onto my bed letting my head fall forward. I felt Hope’s hand run up my back and I knew right then what Lexi meant by feeling dirty. I had never felt more disgusting then I do right now. “Kole just forget about her…come here,” Hope tried pulling me to her and I jerked my arm away. “Get out Hope,” she looked at me as if I was joking, “I said Get.The.Fuck.Out!” Hope rose from the bed grabbing her clothes and she walked out of my room.

  What have I done?

  Thirty One

  (Lexi)

  So this is what a broken heart feels like. Now I could understand why I tried to stay away from feeling like this. It is miserable…I can’t stomach food I can’t sleep without nightmare’s. I hate seeing couples because it just makes me miss Kole and I couldn’t miss him…I refused to allow him anymore of my heart. My classes completely sucked because I could not get my head wrapped around it all. I always felt claustrophobic once I was sitting in my desk and the professor started talking…like it was all closing in around me.

  Two days after I walked in on Kole and Hope in his bed he showed up at my dorm with flowers…I walked passed him like I didn’t know him. He followed me upstairs and I slammed my door in his face. I later found the flowers sitting outside of my door. I left them there for a few days until they wilted and Megan finally threw them out but she kept the card that was attached to it and put it on my desk…a week later it was still in the same spot.

  It was almost two weeks and I decided I needed some changes. When I walked into the dorm Megan’s jawed hit the floor, “Oh My God!...That looks so hot. I can’t believe you cut it off.” Megan jumped up from the bed to run her fingers through my hair. I had hair so long it rested just at my waist and it was all the same length. I had decided to make a spur of the moment change and now my hair rested just past my shoulder with long layers throughout and it framed my face. I had also added some highlights and now my dark brown hair was flowing with caramel. It wasn’t the only change I had made as I flipped my wrist over and showed Radley and Megan my new ink. A simple small Chinese letter was now tattooed on my inner left wrist, “What does it mean?” Radley asked as he looked closely, “Strength…I thought it was fitting. I joined a support group…for rape victims.” They both looked up at me and Megan’s eyes filled with tears almost instantly as she hugged me closely, “I am so proud of you Lex…that is so great.” Radley gave me a one arm squeeze and I let my head fall to rest on his shoulder, “Thanks guys…I’m ready to start healing myself. It’s time.”

  I had my first group on Wednesday at the community center just off campus. I was so nervous but when I signed up I was told you talk when you are ready otherwise you just listen. I slowly walked up the sidewalk and my hands were shaking so badly. I had to take a few deep breaths and I pushed the door forcing myself to move forward. I was done hiding.

  The group consisted of about ten ladies and they appeared to range from teens to middle age women. We all introduced ourselves and whether this was our first session or if we had been to group before. The counselor began talking about humiliation and feeling at fault for what had happened to us. She explained that these were all normal reactions. A few women shared their stories and I was surprised at the differences stories. The youngest of the group was Natalie she was only seventeen and she was a victim of date rape when she was sixteen. She opened up so freely about her situation and I was amazed at her strength. I traced my fingers over the inner part of my wrist remembering my recent tattoos meaning. I would get there I made a promise to myself and I refused to give up.

  After my session ended I made a quick stop for gas and drove back to the dorms. I sat in my car for a few minutes. I let my music softly play as I sang along with the radio…I reached up flipping down my visor. I had a picture of Kole stashed there. I refused to admit to anyone how much I truly missed him. I had allowed myself to fall in love and my heart still ached daily for him. I knew though that what we had was over. He moved on with Hope and I hadn’t even heard from him after the day he attempted to give me flowers.

  The flowers…I just remembered the card that was on my desk. I shut my car off and made my way upstairs. Megan was gone and I was secretly glad. I wouldn’t have to explain why I was ready to read it after almost three weeks.

  It took a few minutes but I found it buried behind all my biology papers I was using to study for finals. I held it in my hand as I stared at my name printed in block letters on the front…

  LEXI

  I slowly slid my finger along the edge opening the sealed envelope…I pulled it out and flipped it over but kept my eyes forward. A letter was inside and fell to my lap. After a couple deep breathes…I pick it up and unfolded it.

  Hey beautiful I screwed up pretty badly didn’t I? I know that no amount of flowers or apologies will ever make up for what I did. I let my pride get in the way when I should have just listened to you. I should have waited for you to explain but that is now a mistake that I will have to live the rest of my life with. I never meant to hurt you Lexi. You are the last person I

  ever wanted to hurt. I never expected to be saying what I am about to for the first time in a letter to you but I know you can’t really stand to look at me long enough to hear it in person…hell half days I have a hard time looking at myself too. Lexi I think I freaked so much because that day when I showed up at your room and we made love…it finally hit me. It hit me hard that I was in love with you. I am in love with you and I was so freaked when you started talking because I was ready to tell you that I loved you and then I heard your confession. I never should have jumped to conclusions but I can’t fix that mistake now I just have to live with it. I just wanted you to know how much you do mean to me and you’ll always be that amazing girl I met in college and fell in love with…I’m so sorry that I had to screw it all up. I’ll always love you baby and I will never stop missing you.

  I love you always

  Kole

  I couldn’t swallow passed the thickness that was in my throat. Was that a letter saying goodbye? Knowing he hurt me…was he saying that he was just going to let go walk away and not even attempt to fight for it. Did I want him to fight for it? I had no idea what I should do…

  Thirty Two

  (Kole)

  “Hey Kole have you seen Lexi lately? I got to say it dude the girl is looking fine. She changed her hair…hell I had to look twice before I figured out it really was her. I just got to say if you don’t fight for that girl…damn you must be crazy,” there really was not a damn thing I could say to that. Bradley was right. I should be fighting for Lexi but I can’t face her. After seeing the way she looked at me when she found me and Hope b
roke my heart. I never wanted to be responsible for hurting her like that. She couldn’t even look at me when I brought her flowers. I don’t have the first clue how to fix this.

  How could I fix her broken heart? My love for her is just as strong as it was. I miss her like crazy and I wish more than anything that I could just hold her. I haven’t talked to Hope since the day I kicked her out of my room. I have no desire to see her or be around her. It isn’t for the lack of her trying because she does all the time. She has just gotten so much easier to ignore. I haven’t been with anyone and all I do is think about Lexi and her sweet smile.

  I needed to get out of here. I pushed up off the couch and grabbed my keys. I wasn’t sure where I was going I just knew I needed some air. When I pulled up in front of Lexi’s dorm and saw her car in the lot my heart raced. Okay so what do I do next?

  I wasn’t exactly sure how I made my way out of my car and into her building but here I am standing in front of her dorm room trying to gather the courage to knock. Stop being a pussy Kole…just do it.

  Knock..Knock

  I felt like such a fucking girl because when she opened the door my knees felt weak. She changed her hair but she was still gorgeous and the way all the layers fell around her face just made her more sexy…I really didn’t think that was possible but as I stand here in her doorway looking into her eyes I felt it and yes…definitely sexier.

  “Hey baby, how are you?” Okay Kole way to go what a pathetic line…that is all I could come up with. “Hi”, she looked so nervous. She raised her hand up and I noticed what she was holding, “I was um…just reading your note. I just found the courage to open it…finally.” Did I hear her right she hadn’t read it until now? All this time I just thought she didn’t care.

  She stepped aside, “Do you want to come in?” Play it cool Kole, “Sure…Thanks.” The familiar scent of her engulfed the room. I tried to take a deep breath in to savor it without being too obvious. She squeezed passed me and I couldn’t resist I grabbed her waist and pulled her close. She didn’t object so that was a good sign, “I miss you Lexi…I feel like I can’t breathe.” I whispered into her ear as I rested my mouth into her neck. I felt her take a deep breath and I knew she was letting what I said sink in. I just held her close because I actually felt like I was never going to get another chance to do it and I wanted it to last.

  She slowly turned and faced me, “Do you still love me or did you let me go?” I look into Lexi’s beautiful eyes and the question that she is asking sparks a small hope within me. I rested my forehead against hers, “There is no way I could let you go Lexi. I am so in love with you and I hate myself for hurting you baby…I am so sorry.” My lip trembled as I fought the emotion and then I felt her lips touch mine. I let her control the pace and it was so sweet and gentle. I felt her tears against my lip as they dripped between our kiss. She pulled back and I wrapped my arms around her, “I love you Lexi…so much. I want you back and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen…whatever you need.” I felt her crying into my chest and I just held her close.

  “I l-lov-ve y-you too, I m-miss you K-kole”, she cried into my neck. She loves me…she fucking loves me. She misses me and she loves me. She pulled back to look at me. I hated to see her red tear stained face because I caused it. She was still beautiful but it killed me when she cried. It gutted me to see her scared or sad. Her lower lip trembled and I just wanted to kiss it but I held back. “You really hurt me Kole. You scared me and the things you said broke my heart…and when I saw you with Hope…that was horrible. I hate that she touched you and you touched her.” Her tears ran so heavy, “Shh baby don’t cry. Please Lexi…I love you. I screwed up so badly and I am so sorry. I never slept with her…I kicked her out after you walked out. I know that doesn’t fix anything and the fact that it went as far as did can never be erased. I can just promise you from this day on that nothing like that will ever happen again…ever. No matter what is going on I will never hurt you purposely again.”

  I just wanted to stand there and hold her. I knew it was going to be rough to get back to where we were I knew that I had to earn her trust again. I also knew that I was going to do everything I could to make it happen.

  Thirty Three

  (Lexi)

  Kole and I talked for over an hour and it was hard because recreating what I saw between him and Hope brought up such raw emotion that I still wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I couldn’t let go of the fact that if we hadn’t shown up he would have slept with her. I told him I needed time because it still bothered me that he could do that so easily. I decided to focus on me and my group sessions. I wanted to work on my insecurities and fears. I wanted to be a better me.

  Kole agreed to give me the time I need but I could tell by his expression he wanted more.

  I continued going to group therapy and decided to start speaking one on one with a Counselor. I knew I would no longer be able to hide behind the others in the group…I would have to talk about me.

  “Good afternoon Lexi…please have a seat,” the women was middle aged with blond hair and glasses. She was tall and slim and seemed friendly enough, “So how are you feeling today?” Nervous like I want to grab my bag and sneak back out of this room pretending that I never agreed to this, “I’m fine…thanks.” I could tell she picked up on my nervous energy. After all it’s her job and she was watching me like I was about to sprout wings and fly around the room. “Okay so I am really nervous,” I finally admitted biting my inner cheek.

  “Call me Gail and it is okay to be nervous, or scared. It is completely normal to want to scream or cry or even run. You came here because you feel that you’re ready to talk about what happened and that in itself is a huge accomplishment…so were just going to talk. We will talk about everything and anything you want. You can start wherever you would like…I am here to listen and anything you say in this room is completely confidential and will always be kept that way,” I let out a deep breath…I can do this.

  “Thank you…I don’t know where to start I guess maybe when I was twelve…my dad left. He ran off with his secretary and three month later my mother got divorce papers in the mail. So it had been just her and I since then but uh…I haven’t talked to her in months.” Gail mainly listened with the occasional question about something I may have said that she wanted me to explain a little further. I sat in her office for almost an hour and it went by so quickly. We talked about my father and how I felt abandoned like he didn’t love me. When my hour was up I could have kept talking…for once I wanted to. I had a sense of security with her and I really liked it.

  Over the next week and a half I had met with Gail on Monday’s and Friday’s. I shared so many things with her. I could talk freely and she listened it was almost like talking to Megan. We had discussed the party and Matt vaguely but I knew today was the day that I would have to go further. I had reached that point…

  I cried so hard as the details of that day poured out of me…

  “He pretended to like me. He spent an entire month being sweet and saying all the right things. I was so stupid to believe him. If I just would have opened my eyes I would have seen that I wasn’t the only girl he flirted with. I just liked the attention from Mr. All-star. The way the other girls looked at me when he would put his arm around or hold my hand…made me feel important.” I took a deep breath as I grabbed a tissue, “Why I went to cabin with him that night alone…I still can’t answer that. I had no intentions of having sex with him. I was a virgin and the thought of it was scary. I guess I thought maybe we could kiss and if I felt like it was going too far we could just go back to the party but when he locked the door and looked at me…I instantly regretted it. It was like he changed he wasn’t the sweet guy that had been flirting with me. He became evil…hateful and aggressive. When he kissed me the first time I tried to pull away but he just pulled me to him tighter. I told him to stop.”

  I could picture Matt’s face as I told Gail about that night. I instantly got th
e chills as I continued, “He smiled but it was such a sadistic smile. When he grabbed me I started to scream but he covered my mouth and pushed me onto the bed.” Reliving everything from that night emotionally drained me.

  Gail spent a little extra time with me and we talked about how to move forward and how to let go. I left feeling exhausted and I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep everything away.

  Kole and I talked a few times through the week on the phone but with my emotional sessions and the fact that I was overwhelmed with exhaustion I felt that seeing him right now would just be too much. I needed time for me and I had to sort through everything on my own.

  Thirty Four

  (Kole)

  I really was trying to respect the fact that Lexi needed some time to herself. I hated that I couldn’t see her. I missed her like hell and I felt like each day she got further away from me.

  “Hi Kole how are you doing?” I looked up from the Television to see Megan standing next to Radley. “Hey Meg. I’m alright I guess. I think Lexi is avoiding me though. I’ve tried to call her three times and she won’t answer. Maybe I screwed it up too bad to be fixed.” I shrugged and turned back to the TV feeling sorry for myself. They both walked toward me and sat on the couch, “Kole she’s not avoiding you…she has been seeing a counselor and going to group.” I turned to Radley with my mouth slightly open in shock. After the way she freaked out when you suggested it before I never expected her to agree to that.