Heart in the Field

by Dagg, Jillian

  He laughed. “You’ve got your heart set on that?”

  “Darn right. It’s this weekend or never. It could snow by next weekend.”

  “Ah, you’re right about that. Snow is as inevitable in Canada as sand in the desert.”

  “Do you miss the desert?”

  “No. I don’t. I’m not missing anything. You’re keeping me quite well occupied.”

  She turned sideways and slid her hand on to his knee. She massaged his thigh with her fingers. “Then I’m as exciting as the field?”

  He grasped hold of her hand and held her fingers with his on the steering wheel. “You’re the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me in my life.”

  “What a line.”

  He grinned at her. “It’s the truth. You’ve helped me in lots of ways. I’m seeing flaws and problems in my personality that needed attention. I’m actually getting along with my parents and I’m enjoying being home.”

  “Until the monster restless bug hits.”

  “I await with bated breath.”

  “You think it will hit?”

  “I don’t know.” And he didn’t know. He might wake up one morning and be over her spell, with the sudden urge to take off in a plane somewhere. He knew what he was really like, at times.

  •

  Serena couldn’t believe that Pascal stood in the middle of the kitchen, hissing at Nick.

  “Come on, baby. You know Nick.”

  Nick removed his jacket and hung it over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. “He liked me at first.”

  “Just ignore him. He’ll come around.” Serena laughed and ushered Nick out of the kitchen and down the hall to her bedroom. She made him put his bag in there. “That’s what cats are like. He’s protecting me. He thinks you’re going to hurt me.”

  “And I will. And I am. And he’s right.”

  Nick’s words cut like a knife through all parts of her body. “Don’t. Please. Let’s enjoy this weekend.”

  He swiped his hand across his face in a frustrated gesture. “Okay. But I feel terrible about how this could end for you.”

  “Look at me.” She pointed to her eyes. “They’re wide open. I know what can happen. I’m prepared for it.”

  “But you shouldn’t have to be prepared for it.”

  “That’s up to you.” She felt irritable with him and left him in the bedroom.

  She put on coffee. After a moment she sensed Nick in the room with her.

  “I’m sorry.”

  She turned around and leaned against the counter-top, and it reminded her of the other times she’d been with him in this kitchen. The first time he’d kissed her, the night of Don’s soirée, had been her undoing.

  That night she’d seen his jaw turn into his stubborn, little-boy look. She’d seen that look quite often since. It was becoming part of him. He looked like that now. She opened up her arms to him and he came for a hug.

  I love you, she said in her mind.

  Serena took gardening seriously. She wore old jeans, a baggy sweater and rubber boots to divide her perennials. She made Nick follow her to toss compost on all her work. The day had drawn to a dusky, chilly conclusion. Smoke curled through the air from another gardener’s leaf bin.

  “You should have a fantastic garden next year,” he said.

  Serena peeled off her grimy gloves. “I hope so. There was quite a bit when I came here, but I’ve added many types of different shrubs and flowers.” She screwed up her nose. “But if it doesn’t grow next year, I don’t bother fussing. What comes up comes up.”

  “That’s quite a philosophy.”

  “It’s all I have time for. Let’s pack up. Do you want to go to the West Vale Inn for dinner?”

  “Sure. Why not?”

  He’s being very amenable, Serena thought as she did her hair in her mirror while Nick took a shower. He probably regretted his first outburst about their relationship not being permanent. Either that or it was a reminder to her to keep her focus. Well, she was focused. She loved him. But hell, she’d be able to give him up when the time came. Sure she would.

  Nick had made a last minute reservation for the Inn. It was crowded, being Saturday night. The leaves that had been such a glow of color at Thanksgiving were now pretty well gone, and the gorge was dark and forbidding beyond the atrium windows. Serena wasn’t certain how she felt tonight. Gardening this afternoon had been kind of fun. A sort of, show-him-how-she-lived, type of activity. They had showered and changed in her bathroom and bedroom. That had been sort of like a man and wife activity, prior to an evening out. Nick had fondled her a little when she was still in her lace camisole and panties, but it hadn’t led to anything. Now they were on that evening out, Nick in a black suit, her in sky-blue wool pants and jacket.

  Nick sipped some of the red wine they’d ordered. “Are you okay?”

  “Yep. Fine.”

  “You’re not. Why?”

  “I don’t know why. I feel off-key.”

  “Maybe you’re hungry.”

  “Maybe I am.”

  But, even after they’d enjoyed a delicious seafood meal, and were driving home in her Jeep in the dark, she still didn’t feel right. She closed down the house and they went to her bedroom. Pascal had taken to sleeping in the sunroom while Nick was here, so she didn’t have to kick him off the bed.

  “I’m off-key because this is my house,” she said.

  He took off his tie and unbuttoned his jacket. “That’s your problem. I feel fine.”

  “I know.”

  Nick walked over to her and he placed his palms on either side of face and lifted her mouth to meet his. Serena closed her eyes and let herself be transported into the spell he always wound around her.

  He removed his mouth from hers. “It’s what I said earlier, isn’t it?”

  “Possibly. I’ve just felt out of step today.”

  “Maybe we’re not meant to be domestic.”

  “That could be. You’re not exactly the daddy type.”

  He grinned. “Neither are you Ms. Mom. We’re professional business people. We have to deal with that and all the misconceptions and expectations people have. You bought this house because you needed something you hadn’t had in your childhood. A foundation. I bought my apartment for the same reason. Even though I was thousands of miles from home I had an anchor. But neither purchases need to reflect a desire to go further.”

  “Are you saying that by inviting you here this weekend, I’m trying to force us into something we’re not?”

  “Could be that subconsciously you had that in mind.”

  She poked his stomach. “You know, I think you’re right. I’m having an affair, that’s all. I’m not prepping you for marriage.” She couldn’t believe she had mentioned the word, marriage. He’d run a mile if he knew her longings.

  “Do you ultimately want marriage?”

  Yes. But she wouldn’t admit it. “I don’t know.”

  “Then let’s not get so heavy. Let’s just do what we do best tonight and enjoy ourselves.”

  He began to unbutton her jacket and bent his head to bury his mouth in the slope of her breasts. Serena touched his thick hair and she felt her fingertips respond to the crispness with a sharp twinge of desire. What she thought she might have lost this evening returned with deep, tremulous feelings that spread to all parts of her body.

  When they were naked and clasped together, she said, “I want it to be like it was in that hotel room the first time.”

  “It will be.”

  Serena then knew her problem. She had to forget what might happen and concentrate on what was happening. She had to close her eyes and take herself to that place where Nick was never going to leave her.

  Chapter Eighteen

  A homeless woman died in a city alleyway on the first night of heavy frost, and that became the focus of their next Thursday show. The subject tied in with the rest of their content so far. Nick was pleased with the way the show was picking up on social i
ssues. Reeva’s interviews hadn’t been junk, and this story was heavy. Angela’s interview was set for Saturday.

  Nick walked into the studio on Saturday morning and saw Serena. Wearing loose black trousers and a fitted jacket, she leaned against the wall with her arms folded as she talked to Cam. Nick’s first instinct, as always, was to go and nuzzle her neck and give her a kiss. But of course he couldn’t, with company, so he went over and said, “’Morning all.”

  “Hi, Nick,” Cam said. “We’re just discussing the presentation for this program.”

  “Let’s get the interview first, and see if she has a good story.”

  “I think she’s going to have a hell of a good story,” Serena told him. “I had to talk to her for about an hour on the phone last night to re-persuade her to even give the interview. I almost lost the show again.”

  Nick was amused at the way Serena was beginning to understand that she had opened a can of worms and now she had to keep the worms from wriggling away. Her fingers kneaded the material of her jacket.

  As the clock ticked away toward the time when Angela was due, Nick began to feel her restlessness enter his own body. Then a call came from the reception desk to tell them that Angela had arrived.

  “I’ve changed my mind,” she told Serena and Nick as she was prepped for the interview. “I want to be seen as myself. No disguise.”

  This is what Nick wanted. He glanced at Serena and saw an answering glitter in her expression. She wanted it too, but she was playing Angela very cautiously.

  “Are you really sure?” Serena asked.

  Angela nodded. “Very sure. Does it mean I need makeup?”

  •

  “Tell me what he was like when you first saw him?” Serena asked.

  Angela’s eyes took on a distant expression. “Even in prison garb, he was gorgeous. His hair was a sort of white blond but it was shaved down and stood up in little spikes. This seemed to show off his brilliant blue eyes that sort of shone out of his face. I found out his name was Wayne.”

  “Did you know what crime he had committed?”

  “Oh, yes. He was in for manslaughter of his best friend on a hunting trip. Although he was appealing the charge. He had witnesses to say it was an accidental death. There was a big thing going on in the papers about him.”

  “Were the papers proclaiming his innocence?”

  “Yes. And I also believed he was innocent. I wrote a letter to him.” Angela smiled. “I told him I’d seen him when I visited someone else in the prison, and that I thought he was a hunk.”

  “Did he reply?”

  “Yes. He wrote back right away. He was pleased to be a hunk. He’d like to see me. So I sent him my picture and he wrote and said he’d put it on his wall and looked at it all the time. He loved women with black hair.”

  “What else did he write about?”

  “His loneliness, and how terrible it was for him in jail, because he was innocent. He railed on about the injustice of the authorities and the system.”

  “Did you think he was sane?”

  “Definitely. He was very smart, very intelligent.”

  “When did you know you were in love with him?”

  “I think from the beginning. I know I supported his appeal. And I told him so. We began to discuss what we would do when he got out. I’d had to quit university and I had a job in a store. I worked long evening hours, but I had enough days off that I could visit Wayne. For years, my life revolved around my job at the store and my visits to the prison. As well as a campaign with his friends for his release. I lived for the future. I didn’t realize I was fooling around with my present and that I’d never be able to recapture that present when it was past. If you know what I mean.”

  “Then he got out?” Serena asked.

  “About two years ago. He was dazed by the outside. He didn’t quite know how to act. In prison, I’d thought him smooth and sophisticated. Out of prison, he was disoriented. But I hoped it wouldn’t take him long to get used to the outside. He had me, after all. I’d make sure he’d do well.”

  “Did you live with him?”

  “He had nowhere to go that I knew of, so I took him to my apartment.”

  “Did he love you?”

  “I don’t know. I think he did. I know I loved him. But nothing happened.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well.” Angela touched her face with her fingers. “We didn’t go to bed right away.”

  “He didn’t want to make love with you?”

  “I don’t know what he wanted in those first few weeks. He just stayed around my place watching TV. Then one evening, when I came home, he kind of jumped on me, and that was that. I understood because he’d had nothing for years. He didn’t know.”

  “Did he say he loved you then?”

  Angela shook her head. “No.”

  “After you had consummated your relationship, what happened?”

  “He took me to meet his parents, who lived in a house in the country. I didn’t even know he had living parents. I was really surprised to meet them, because they were very small old people. They seemed very frightened of their son. They called him by a different name.”

  “Did you feel something might be wrong?”

  “Yes.”

  “So what happened after this visit?”

  “We went back to my apartment. Life stayed about the same. I went out to work. Wayne stayed at home. Then after a few weeks I would come home and he wouldn’t be there. Then he told me he’d been offered a job, but he’d have to move to the country.”

  “Did you want to move?”

  “If it would help him. But he didn’t invite me along. He was going to leave me. At least I thought he was. It seemed that way.”

  “What did you do then?”

  “I didn’t have to do anything. I guess the plan to move out to the country came up because his father got ill. His father died a few weeks later and his mother moved from the house. Wayne wanted to move into their house, but he insisted we get married first.”

  “Then he must have told you he loved you.”

  “He did. It was sort of a big switch all of a sudden. He seemed more human, more able to cope in the world. We didn’t have a big wedding. He got a minister friend of his mother’s to come to the house and do it. His mother was there. He told me he didn’t want to live in the house he grew up in without marriage. I liked that about him. Anyway, he got that job, and began to supply money to live on. It was quite a bit of money sometimes, but he said he was doing some truck hauls and that he made a lot that way. It was something he’d done when he was younger, before prison.”

  Angela sipped from her glass of water. “I’d had to quit my job when I moved to the country, but I managed to get something in a local variety store. I still had my car, so I was mobile enough. I needed to be. Wayne wasn’t home very often. He blamed his absence on the truck hauls. I felt he was still trying to adjust to being out of prison. He needed to learn more about pleasing a woman. So I tried to teach him things that would be more pleasurable to me and make him less rough.”

  “How was he rough?” Serena asked her.

  “He just wanted it all for himself. He didn’t care about my needs. I know that sounds like a hackneyed cliché, but it’s true. He was the roll on, grunt and get off type.” Angela grinned.

  Serena also smiled. “Did he learn?”

  Angela shrugged her shoulders. “He doesn’t like people telling him that he’s inadequate in any way. He gets very angry. So I stopped doing that.”

  They took a brief break at that point. Angela drank strong black coffee. Serena’s makeup was freshened. She felt as if she were participating in a race. Her heart beat fast, her respiration rate was high. Her blood roiled through her veins. It was like making love with Nick. It was exciting. She was in the midst of an unfolding story.

  Serena sat down with Angela again. Nothing Angela had said so far was surprising, but it was Angela’s tone, the high-pitched fe
ar behind her words that made Serena feel as if they were climbing a mountain together, and at the top they would tumble over the edge.

  “Did you have any social life with other people?”

  Angela touched a dark wave of hair that fell over her cheek. “He had some friends, but I didn’t like them. They were boisterous and they drank too much. The thing that shocked me the most was that Wayne fitted in. These were his friends, his people. These were the guys he worked with, he told me, but I wasn’t so sure that what they did was real honest work. The money coming in was mostly in cash, and in huge amounts.”

  “Was this the first time you were suspicious?”

  “It was the first time since his parents had called him by a different name. It was also strange that I was always the only woman. Wayne would yell at me to get the beer when these guys were around. And he began to be like that when they weren’t around. I felt myself begin to crumble. Things weren’t the same anymore.”

  “Did he assault you?”

  “No. He didn’t hit women. That was one of his good points. Thank goodness.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I quit my job. I couldn’t handle the nights with all his friends at the house and my work. I couldn’t handle being with the nice people at the store when there weren’t any nice people in my life. My only escape was to get in my car and drive into Toronto to see by brother.”

  “He didn’t mind you going?”

  “He never knew. I’d go in the times when he was away and always be home by the time he got home.”

  “But he must have known you used your car?”

  “He never said anything so I didn’t worry too much. One evening all Wayne’s friends were there and they had a haul of drugs. Suddenly I knew how Wayne was making his money. And one of his friends got me in the bedroom and told me to shut my mouth and my eyes and be a good wife to Wayne. I was really scared by now. Wayne had a rifle that he said used to belong to his father. He’d clean it a lot. I wasn’t sure if it was loaded, but he used to aim it at me making shooting noises and laugh. I’d get hysterical and run.”

  “One night he ran after me and we played a game like cat and mouse throughout the house, and he began yelling about when he used to go hunting, and how he’d stalked down his friend this way, and I wasn’t safe. There was nowhere I could go that he couldn’t get to me.”