Cookie and the Most Annoying Girl in the World

by Konnie Huq

  ‘Hey babe, missed you Saturday!’ Suzie calls out to me in front of the whole class. ‘Remind me to give you your goody bag later’. Her best friend Alison Denbigh (who lives for Suzie’s approval) looks baffled, as do Jake and Keziah.

  Maybe I should take Suzie to the gig? I can’t take Jake anymore. Traitor! He emailed me yesterday after I cancelled the cinema trip to say he didn’t understand why I was annoyed and that of course he and Keziah wouldn’t have gone to Suzie’s party if my party had gone ahead. Ugh! ‘He and Keziah’! What are they now? A married couple?

  I bet they went to the cinema without me too. TRAITORS!

  I wish they’d open the school doors – we’re getting pretty wet out here. Suddenly, a loud voice bellows across the playground, interrupting my thoughts. I look up to see the new supply teacher, Mrs Edmonds, shouting at Martha Masters because she’s dropped a tissue. Martha is in our year in Kestrel class. She’s really sweet and isn’t the type to drop litter on purpose. Edmonds orders her to do twenty press-ups as we all begin to shuffle in. Poor Martha! Worse still, it’s now started bucketing down with rain. Talk about strict! That was a bit much really. I can see others thinking the same thing.

  I hear Edmonds used to be in the army, which would totally figure.

  During class, I glare at Jake and Keziah while Mrs Mannan reads us some of The Witches, the Roald Dahl book we’re currently studying. It’s a bit creepy. In fact, Axel isn’t even allowed to listen to it because his mum thinks it’s too scary for him, so he has to sit outside the classroom reading something else instead, even though he’s not at all scared of it. Bit ridiculous if you ask me.

  Afterwards, we have a group discussion on fear and we all have to tell the class something we’re scared of.

  ‘Mrs Edmonds!’ shouts Tayo, and everyone laughs.

  Mrs Mannan works her way round the room while I think hard about what it is that frightens me.

  Keziah says she’s scared of the dark, Axel can’t bear heights, Suzie is terrified of bacteria and Alison Denbigh’s fear is ghosts. I mean, who believes in ghosts?! Total nonsense!

  In the end, I say swans as I do kind of have a phobia of them. Thinking back over the last couple of days, I wonder whether Roubi was right when she once said I have FOMO – a Fear Of Missing Out. Was that why I didn’t want Jake and Keziah to go to Suzie’s party without me? And did it explain why I now wanted to go to the Aliana gig even though I’m not a fan? I put the thought out of my mind as it was Jake’s turn to answer. He declares to the class that he ‘honestly isn’t scared of anything’. Yawn!

  ‘Everyone’s scared of something,’ says Mrs Mannan, speaking the most sense I’ve heard from her in ages.

  ‘Certainly not scared of being a traitor,’ I whisper under my breath.

  ‘We didn’t know you wouldn’t want us to go to Suzie’s once you’d cancelled your own party’, he says exasperatedly. ‘I only went to get out of the house as my brother was annoying me.’

  His brother was annoying him?!! What a liar! Not scared of anything?! Double liar! I’m going to find out what he’s scared of – I’ll make sure of it.

  CHAPTER 5

  Muddy Heap

  ‘Are you scared of your little brother or something, Jake?’ I taunt him in the playground at lunchtime. ‘Is that what your fear is?!’ Does he seriously think I’d believe he went to Suzie’s party because he wanted to escape a seven-year-old?! Hardly something to be afraid of, or whatever it is he claims. It’s one thing to be a traitor but another to be a liar as well.

  Jake looks like he’s about to cry. Maybe he is scared of his brother? Maybe his brother’s a bully?!

  I feel a bit bad but I’m not letting this go. I still can’t believe that he and Keziah actually thought I wouldn’t find out about them going to Suzie’s party behind my back.

  ‘What were you playing at?’ I ask. ‘Did you have to hide in the background every time a photo was taken so you wouldn’t be rumbled? Did you really think you’d get away with it?!’

  ‘We didn’t think we were getting away with anything,’ protests Keziah. ‘We thought you were OK with us going, especially as you’d cancelled your own party. And you said you were busy!’

  Busy?! Busy at Uncle Mehdi’s being told that I’d grown, and being informed of traffic and weather conditions. So very busy! (Although admittedly I did get my highly sought-after birthday present, heh, heh, heh!) Hang on a second … on the subject of birthday presents, I know I’d told Keziah and Jake not to get me anything, but they actually didn’t get me anything. Not a single thing. Nothing. I thought they might have at least got me a little something. NOT EVEN A CARD!!! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

  Even Axel got me a card, although it was in German. Axel’s parents are German and he says that it was all he could find knocking around his house. He even brought it in on the Friday so I had it for my birthday on the Saturday. I was really surprised. For someone who looks at the floor 99.9 per cent of the time, it was quite a charming touch.

  It had ‘Glückwunsch zu ihrem baby’ written on it. ‘Glückwunsch zu ihrem baby’? Maybe that means ‘Happy birthday baby!’ in German?

  Roubi put it into Google Translate and turns out it actually means ‘Congratulations on your new baby’. He probably thought I wouldn’t realise.

  I don’t care though. At least he got me a card – it’s the thought that counts.

  ‘Even Axel is a better friend!’ I shout. ‘He didn’t go to Suzie’s AND he got me a card. You two didn’t get me anything!’

  ‘Honestly, Cookie, sometimes you’re so crazy,’ says Jake, rolling his eyes and walking off.

  Keziah giggles. ‘You are a little … but that’s why I like you!’

  She then points out that she’d sent me an e-card (oops – forgot about that!). She thought I’d prefer it as it’s more eco-friendly and I’m so into saving the planet. She does have a point, I guess.

  ‘Look,’ says Keziah, ‘me and Jake went to the shops to get you a present on the Saturday. We couldn’t decide on anything good so we thought we’d treat you to your cinema ticket on the Sunday, as well as popcorn and snacks.’

  ‘Oh,’ I reply. ‘That would have been a really cool present.’

  ‘Anyway, after we were done, Jake said he really didn’t want to go home because of his little brother,’ Keziah continues. ‘He insisted we go to Suzie’s. He was acting really weird, like he was gonna cry or something, so I went with him.’

  I know Keziah is telling the truth. She’s terrible at lying!

  We both think Jake’s story is a bit fishy. Wasn’t his brother supposed to be going to Disneyland with his dad? Surely they couldn’t have gone and come back already? How did they clear it with the school? Keziah is sure she’s seen his brother around recently. I haven’t though, and I do live next door to them, so who knows? I haven’t really been over to Jake’s lately – he’s been a bit distant. It’s so strange.

  Edmonds is back on lunch duty. Jake has wandered off to the other side of the playground and is sat chatting to Axel under the big tree. Axel often sits there alone on his log. Whereas everyone else wants to hang out with their friends at lunchtime, Axel doesn’t seem to mind doing his own thing.

  I wish I could be more like that. It must be my FOMO stopping me!

  Keziah and I start to walk towards Axel’s log.

  ‘Are you OK?’ I ask Jake, feeling a bit guilty.

  He says he’s fine but I get the feeling he’s about to say something else when Suzie bounds over with Alison in tow.

  ‘Hey babe!’ she says, giving me a huge hug while Keziah and Jake look on, utterly confused. ‘So, I didn’t want to squash your goody bag by bringing it into school in my backpack and then I had a great idea … Why don’t you come over to mine on Saturday and I’ll give it to you then?!’

  Huh?!

  I’m always intrigued by other people’s houses. I’ve never been to Suzie’s house before but I’ve seen bits of it on Instagram. Her bedroom looks massive.
Although I’m not really friends with Suzie, I’d still love to see her house in real life.

  ‘Yeah, definitely,’ I say without even having to think about it.

  ‘Great, babe, it’s a date,’ she says, flashing me a dazzling grin.

  Alison Denbigh looks like she’s been fatally wounded and starts protesting that they’re supposed to be going to some gymnastics gala on Saturday. Suzie rolls her eyes and turns to me apologetically.

  ‘Excuse me for a moment, please,’ she says, and then she and Alison start having a massive row like a married couple.

  What’s going on?! Suzie is arguing with Alison over me and I’m … enjoying it! I don’t know why but I kind of do want to be Suzie’s friend at the moment. She did save me my goody bag and she was being really nice to me, unlike my traitor friends. Maybe Suzie is the breath of fresh air I need right now. It feels nice to have someone who wants to hang out with me.

  ‘Suzie’s party bags are really brilliant,’ says Keziah. ‘Mine had a plastic ink pad and stamps, some plastic alphabet fridge magnets, some plastic dry-wipe neon marker pens and mini dry-wipe marker board … oh yeah, and a plastic “thank you for coming to my Save the Planet party” card.’

  ‘So much for saving the planet!’ says Jake. ‘I’ve never seen so much plastic in my entire life.’

  I immediately jump in to defend my new friend, Suzie, who luckily hasn’t overheard as she’s still busy arguing with Alison.

  ‘Well, I’m sure that didn’t stop you taking a goody bag,’ I snap.

  ‘What are you now? Best buddies?’ Jake sneers.

  ‘You’re the one who went to her party,’ I reply. ‘Whereas she’s extending me hospitality, you just seem to make up lies and excuses these days so I don’t come over to yours. And you live next door and Bluey is half my cat. Talking of which, where are my visiting rights?’

  ‘Visiting rights?! What is this? A divorce?!’ says Jake, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

  I’m a bit taken aback. Why is he acting so weird?

  Keziah tries to intervene. ‘Hey, let’s all calm down.’

  Meanwhile, Suzie and Alison are far from calm. They’re still arguing loudly over anything and everything.

  ‘See!’ says Jake. ‘You’re even causing them to argue, Cookie! We all know Suzie only invited you over to hers because she wants your spare gig ticket.’

  HOW RUDE!

  ‘Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe I’m a nice person and she WANTS to hang out with me?!’ I yell. ‘Maybe she actually LIKES me. Maybe she knows I’d make a LOYAL friend!!! The sort of friend who’d keep their promises rather than the kind who’d break them and go to parties when they said they wouldn’t!’

  ‘You’re mad!’ shouts Jake. ‘We wouldn’t have gone to Suzie’s if you hadn’t cancelled your party!’

  He turns around in a huff at the exact same moment that Suzie storms off from Alison … The two of them collide into each other at full pelt. They both fall backwards, taking me, Alison and Keziah out in the process.

  We all land in a huge heap on the muddy ground. Suzie ends up face-down in a puddle and starts screaming. I’ve never met anyone so paranoid about dirt, germs or illness as Suzie Ashby. She always has a pack of wet wipes on her and is constantly washing her hands. Washing your hands regularly is really important but Suzie takes it to a whole new level – she’s been carrying antibacterial gel around with her ever since she was at playgroup.

  Before we can compose ourselves, a loud, deep voice booms across the playground … it’s Mrs Edmonds.

  ‘Right, you lot! No fighting in the playground! Detention for all of you!’ she shouts, pointing at us. ‘You, you, you, you, you AND you!’

  ‘But it’s nothing to do with me!’ cries an innocent Axel who’s been watching the whole thing bemused from under his tree.

  ‘Do I look like I care?’ she yells. ‘Instead of free computer time at the end of the day, you will go straight to the school office and wait for me there. I will be calling your parents to let them know why you missed computing. You’re all in BIG trouble.’

  CHAPTER 6

  Detention, Yay!

  Detention?! None of us were aware that our school even gave out detentions. I have two older sisters who both came here and they were never given one. This was obviously a Mrs Edmonds thing, what with her army background.

  We get told off or sent to the green seats but we never get detention. I’ve been sent to the green seats once before and it’s NOT nice. You have to wait outside the headteacher’s office where everyone can see you and stay there until you’re called in. It could be after two minutes or even two whole hours.

  Detention is a new one for me though, and worse still, free computer time is the one thing at school that EVERYONE looks forward to. Plus I suspect detention with Mrs Edmonds in charge is going to be horrific.

  I glance at Axel’s watch – break will be over soon. Suzie runs off to the girls’ toilets to clean herself up, armed with wet wipes and antibacterial gel from her rucksack. She’s closely followed by Alison, apologising profusely as though the whole thing is all her fault. Meanwhile, Axel thinks the entire situation is hilarious. It’s almost like he’s relishing it and actually looking forward to detention.

  ‘It’ll be an adventure!’ he grins. He makes eye contact with us too, which is kind of a breakthrough moment. An adventure?! We all look at him, confused.

  That boy is seriously weird sometimes.

  ‘Is she really gonna phone all our parents cos we slipped in the mud?’ asks Keziah.

  ‘She reckons we were fighting,’ I reply.

  ‘We’re going to be in so much trouble,’ Keziah sighs.

  ‘My parents probably won’t even care,’ shrugs Jake, walking off towards the school building. ‘They’ve got a lot on at the moment.’

  I’m not sure what Jake means but I can’t question it as he’s already left. I suddenly have a horrible feeling that my parents might take my Aliana tickets away if they think I’ve been in trouble at school.

  ‘Nooooooo, not my Altix …’ I say, thinking out loud.

  ‘Altix?!!’ Keziah laughs.

  ‘It’s something Suzie came up with,’ I say defensively. ‘She said it first, not me!’

  I start laughing too.

  ‘You really should give an Altick to Jake,’ Keziah giggles. ‘He loves Aliana’s music and does the dance moves better than her!’

  ‘I know,’ I sigh. ‘And in any other world they’d be his. But he’s been acting so strange lately, I’m not sure he’d even want to go with me. Suzie seems to want it WAY more. She’s been all over me. Jake’s the complete opposite. He hasn’t even mentioned the tickets since I got them. I should really let them have one each … I didn’t even like Aliana till I got this birthday present.’

  ‘Jake’s got a lot on at the moment,’ says Axel mysteriously from under his tree. We both turn to look at him, perplexed. That boy can be so strange. Axel, not Jake. Well, actually, both right now.

  The bell rings, letting us know it’s time to head back to class.

  ‘You should definitely go to Suzie’s, if only to see her house!’ Keziah grins as we walk back in. ‘Her bedroom looks massive on Instagram. I bet her place is huge. I can imagine her living in a mansion!’

  Sometimes talking to Keziah is just like talking to myself. We often think exactly the same thing at exactly the same time.

  ‘Yeah!’ I say excitedly. ‘It’s like you read my mind, Keziah! I want to have a good nosey! Suzie’s the sort of person that would do lengths in her indoor heated swimming pool every morning or play tennis on her private court.’

  ‘And she loves horse-riding,’ adds Axel. ‘Maybe there’s a stable block!’

  ‘And a paddock,’ says Keziah.

  By the time we’re back in the classroom, we’ve decided Suzie lives in a stately home surrounded by acres of land, a helipad for quick helicopter trips away, a river with a mooring at the end of her garden and all
manner of private staff, including Jeeves the butler who holds her chewing gum for her when she’s finished chewing it.

  We chuckle away – we’ve almost forgotten about detention.

  It pours with rain all afternoon. Ugh! Would Edmonds have us doing hundreds of press-ups out there? I don’t think I could manage more than three. It would definitely be a physical form of detention rather than doing lines or essay writing. No doubt she would have us performing army exercises, what with her military background.

  Besides, she took down our names on a piece of paper and I’m not being funny but handwriting is definitely NOT her strong point. I mean, she can barely write!

  How on earth did she get a job as a teacher?

  When the bell goes at the end of the day for free computing time, we all reluctantly trudge to meet Edmonds in the playground for our detention. Luckily, the rain has turned to more of a mild drizzle now, so if she does make us do press-ups it won’t be mid torrential downpour like the ones poor Martha Masters had to endure.

  Edmonds hands us each a plastic bag, a pair of rubber gloves and a pair of tongs. Huh?! Tongs?!

  ‘Right, children,’ booms Edmonds. ‘You are tasked with helping return the school nature garden to its former glory. The foxes have been here and there’s rubbish everywhere. Don’t forget to put your gloves on! Who knows, there might even be excrement out there!’