“Claudia, I can’t take it anymore. All I keep hearing, every day, is Jenna asking in her sweet, sweet voice, “Promise Mommy?” “I broke that promise Claudia and they’re gone! They’re all gone! Why didn’t I just stay in the van with them?
“I don’t know, honey, but you were saved for a reason. You just haven’t figured out why yet. Please don’t give up. You worry me, when you talk like that.”
Well, I was starting to worry myself, because I just didn’t see what purpose I had in this life anymore. I sure didn’t say that out loud to Claudia, though. I know she has been talking to my parents and if I know them, they’re probably talking about sending me to therapy or worse, have me committed! I couldn’t bear the fact of moving back home, after everything happened. My whole world was in that car and just the thought of moving back to our old house without them there didn’t seem right to me. I had my dad sell our house and donated all of our furniture to charity and he and my mom shipped me all of our family pictures, and anything that meant anything to me. I put everything in storage and haven’t been able to look at anything. Claudia helped me with the funeral arrangements. I buried Derek and the kids at the local cemetery here, so I could be close to them. Derek and Claudia's parents had died years ago and it was just the two of them, so I didn’t have to deal with their family fighting with me about my choice.
My parents, on the other hand, were a different story. I know I have broken their hearts and that even though I had lost my whole world, they lost a son-in-law that was like a son to them and their only grandchildren. I know they
miss me and I miss them both dearly, but it was just too much to deal with. Staying here in Oregon was just easiest, and no worries of friends calling or coming over and asking if I’m doing alright and giving me that look. You know, the ‘oh I feel so sorry for her’ look.
The town we lived in was so small, that just the idea of going to the grocery store and running into any of the kids teacher’s or coach’s, made me cringe. I know that their deaths affected a lot of people and everyone loved and missed them too, but I just couldn’t handle going back without them. So I asked Claudia if she minded me staying with her for a while until I got on my feet, and of course she didn’t mind. So here I am a year in a half later, still trying to sleep through the night, still trying to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning and still wondering why I didn’t die along with them.
CHAPTER TWO
“Wakey wakey eggs and BAKEY!!!" Claudia is yelling at me and walks directly to the window blinds and raises them up, and I see blinding light!
"Are you serious? I just fell back to sleep from my nightmare" I cover my head with my blanket and then it's ripped off of me!
"Well, I know you had a rough night and all, but you ARE leaving this house today!” Oh, the hell I am!
"No I'm not! I'm going back to sleep. Goodnight." I reach onto the floor for the blanket and pull it back over me and cover my head.
"Nope! My meeting got cancelled this morning, thank God, so I decided we needed to have a girl’s day. We haven't had one since what, 6 or 7 years ago? You know I work every Saturday at the law firm and I'm sick of going to eat lunch on Sundays with you, on the ONLY day you leave the house, JUST to keep me off your ASS! So, we are going to go have some girl time today. Manicures, pedicures, get our hair done. I don't care what we do, as long as we have some fun doing it!"
"Nice speech." I gave her the biggest go to hell look. "You know I can't go anywhere today. I guess you just don't realize what today is, do you?" Today would have been Derek's 35th birthday and all I want to do is just lie here and think about him and what we would have been doing today for it.
"Seriously? You don't think I know that today is my own brother's birthday? Of course I know what today is and you know what? You're not spending it in bed moping around missing him! I miss him too and I'm SO SICK of the moping!"
My eyes filled with tears and the water works flowed. I can't believe she's being so insensitive to me. Especially today! Claudia looked me in the eye and her big brown eyes softened. I could see Derek and Jenna in those dark chocolate colored eyes, which made me start crying even harder.
"Olivia, I'm not trying to be mean, ok? It's just, well, I'm so worried about you and I decided as soon as that meeting was cancelled, we were going to make the best of this day. I miss Derek too. He was the only person in this world, besides you, that I could call and rant about how bad my day was. Now he's gone and you've, well, you've checked out! Literally! I don't have anybody and I'm about to go out of my mind, if you don't snap out of this!"
"SNAP OUT OF THIS?!" Oh, I was furious now. How dare she act like I CHOOSE to feel this way!
"Calm down, Olivia. I think you know how I meant that. No reason to get on the defensive. But honey, it's been a year and a half! Do you honestly think they would want you to just stay in bed all day and all night and only leave the house on Sundays to appease me?" I could tell that she was really upset and I felt so guilty.
"Every Sunday, I look forward to spending time with you and hope you don't act like I'm dragging you into hell and it hasn't happened yet! This is your wakeup call! It's time to take a big step and start living your life! I don't care if it includes just getting dressed every day and watching TV on the couch, but it’s time to get out of this bedroom!"
I knew that this was serious and it is one thing to not care about what happens to me, but I can see that my depression is starting to affect her and that's the last thing I want to do. I reached over and grabbed a tissue from the night stand and blew my nose. Claudia patiently leaned against the wall. I'm sure she was wondering what all was going through my mind and if she had pushed me too hard.
"Well, what exactly do you want to do today?" I looked up at her and gave her a half smile, to let her know that I would go ahead and give her what she wanted.
"Oh my God! You're going? You're not messing with me, are you? You're really going to go?"
I nodded my head and then she jumped on top of me and started kissing me all over the face, saying she loved me, which got me to grinning my head off and had me giggling like a little school girl.
"You don't worry about where we are going. We are going to have fun today! We might make a day and a night out of it! Oh my God, Olivia! I'm so excited! But FIRST." She crinkled her nose at me and sniffed the air. “You go get that funky butt and greasy hair in the shower! We leave in an hour!" She winked at me and walked out of the room, closing the door as she left.
Ok. I can do this. I mean she said Mani’s and pedi’s, right? I'm sure we will probably have some lunch. Sounds like dinner too, but oh well. If it makes her happy, I guess I can do this and she's right. I don't think Derek and the kids would want me to spend today doing what I have been doing. I'm doing this for them and for Claudia. I mean come on, what's the worst that could happen?
********************
We are sitting at a nail salon and I hear Claudia naming off different colors of nail polish out loud, like she's the only person in the building.
"Hey O, what do you think about gun metal grey?" All heads in the room turn toward Claudia, probably wondering who that loud mouth with the super model body was. I tried to pretend I didn't know her.
"Olivia?" She turned around and looked right at me. "Did you hear me? What do you think about the color gun metal grey?" Nope. No pretending to not know her now. I lowered my head, wondering what I was going to do with her.
"Well, do you want to go to a rave or something? Hook up with some college boys?" I covered my hand over my mouth. I can't believe I just said that!
"Haha funny!" She rolled her eyes at me. "I didn't like college boys when I was IN college, nor do I want to be around any now! No, I'm not going to a rave, just thinking about putting a different color on besides boring old clear or red or pink. Do you have a problem with that?"
I gulped. That's one of the colors I was having put on my nails. Well, I guess clear isn't exactly a color, but it
makes your nails look all nice and shiny. She walked up next to me and sat down in the chair next to me with the gun metal grey nail polish, waiting for her turn to have her nails painted and she looked at my hands and threw her hands up in the air.
"Are you kidding me? Clear? Oh no, no, no, no, no." She hands the polish to the lady that is painting my nails.
"Here. She wants this color put on." The lady looked at Claudia like she was crazy, which I was beginning to think she actually was and she looked at me wanting to know what I wanted to do.
"I do not want that color, Claudia! I am NOT a teenager for goodness sakes!" I nodded to the lady to continue with the clear coat.
"Come on, O! Live a little! Aren't we trying to just have some fun today?" She batted her eyes at me and grinned really big, which had me grinning. "I'll tell ya what. Put the grey on, and I'll buy you some "clear" polish and some remover that you can use to take it off and put on tonight if you want."
She actually does the air quotes and is looking at me like it was ridiculous that I wanted clear polish on my nails. I've never worn anything but clear, except for the one time that I wore red to try to surprise Derek, thinking he would like it and he said it made me look trashy, so I took it off and never tried a different color again. I think this is another battle that I'm not going to win. Again! I looked at the lady and nodded reluctantly and told her to go ahead and put it on. She actually grinned at me and seemed kind of happy. I wasn't sure what was up with that. She asked Claudia what color she wanted.
"I want the gun metal grey, of course." She smiled at the lady like she had just won the Miss Congeniality contest and the lady just chuckled.
Claudia's phone went off and she looked down at it and groaned and rolled her eyes.
"Ugh. Well, it looks like I have a meeting today with a client, after all!! It won't take long, though. He wants to meet around 7 for drinks to discuss his case. It should only take around 30 minutes or so."
I could tell that she didn't seem too excited about this meeting. Claudia is a divorce attorney for the rather rich and she's always having meetings whenever they feel like it, with no consideration to the hour or day. I will admit that I have been having fun. Before we went to the nail salon, we went to eat breakfast and both of us pigged out and Claudia kept going on and on about how happy she was that I had an appetite, because I was shriveling away to nothing but skin and bones. I have no idea what she's talking about, because I've NEVER been skin and bones. I still needed to lose that last 30 pounds from having Jenna!
"Well, it's 2 o'clock now." Claudia was looking at her watch, calculating how much more time we had. "And I want to go check out this new boutique that opened up and was planning on us going and eating lunch after, and then going and getting our hair done." She was in deep thought. I don't know what the big deal was. I was grateful that she got me out of the house, but I also didn't have a problem with our plans changing, so that I could just go back home. I was really getting tired.
"What do you think about going to the boutique and getting our hair done and going with me to meet my client? We are meeting at the bar at The Plaza for drinks and you can just sit with us. You don't even have to say anything and then we can get dinner when I get through, instead of going and eating lunch. Can you handle waiting to eat till dinner time?"
I think she was serious. Me go WITH her? Oh no no no. The Plaza? The oldest, fanciest, most expensive hotel in probably the whole United States? There's no way I would fit in there.
"I don't think so, Claud. I can just go home. We still have time to go eat lunch, if you want. Or check out the boutique and eat lunch, but I can just go home. I'm sure I would just be in the way." By now, we are getting our stuff together and paying our bills for the nails and I'm grabbing my jacket to put on and Claudia sighs really loud. I looked at her with a question on my face.
"What's it really going to hurt?"
"Well I'm sure your client doesn't want anyone around, while you're on the clock listening in on the conversation for one thing."
"Oh please! He's a P.O.S.! All he will see is two beautiful women sitting at the bar with him, while he talks about himself!" I could tell that she didn't care for her client but I wasn't sure what she meant by POS.
"What's a P.O.S.? Is that short for something?" I clearly was out of the loop. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what it meant. Is that what he did for a living? But what would that stand for? Hmmm..
"It means he's a PIECE OF SHIT! And he is. I mean, I swear he was born in a gutter somewhere, but somehow scraped his way out and is now a GA zillionaire and is paying ME the big bucks to make sure that his wife and 2 kids hardly get anything!" I could tell that she was truly disgusted by him. I guess I could go with her, so she wouldn't have to be by herself with the idiot.
"If you're so disgusted by him, then why do you represent him? And has he ever made a pass at you? Because I mean, you are absolutely gorgeous and I can't imagine him not trying to take you out."
"Oh he has and I shot him down and told him that he wasn't my type, which pissed him off at first, because he thinks he's God's gift to women, but then I told him he was on the wrong team." She winked at me with her devilish grin.
"But you're not-"
"Gay? Yeah, I know, but everyone at work thinks I am." Then she started laughing her head off, when she saw the look on my face. "Listen. I represent a lot of douche bags and for some reason, everyone gives them to me and it’s just easier to make everyone think I am, because they "know" that I won't be tempted to date one of the clients. Trust me, that happens a lot actually!"
I was amazed at her duplicity. With Claudia, what you see is usually what you get and I'm seeing a totally different side of her. I was amazed and shocked and proud! She really has this lawyer thing down.
"So what are you going to do IF you meet a nice guy and settle down? I'm just curious. Are you going to say he was transgendered or something?" I couldn't believe we were having this conversation! Lying will eventually get you caught and even though she was doing it to protect herself, in a way, this could still blow up in her face.
"Hahahaha. Transgendered. That's funny! That is an idea, though. Thanks. BUT Number 1, there is NOT going to be a man in this world that is going to make me want to be in a relationship with him and number 2, IF by chance that actually does happen, and I'm saying a very BIG IF!! Then I'll just deal with it."
"Oh, I don't know what I'm going to do with you!" By now, we've reached her car and were getting in.
"Yeah. Me either! Haha. Ok, Let’s go SHOPPING! It's still girl’s day!"
*****************
We arrived at the boutique, which was called Bella Eve's and from the outside it actually looked like a house. It was located in the downtown area and actually had a sign in front of it that said it was included into the historical society. It was a 2 story colonial style, with a brick walkway leading up to the wrap around porch. I had always wanted to live in an old two story house like this, but Derek always wanted new. His exact words were, “why buy something that we would have to keep fixing up, when we can just build and never have any problems with it." Don't get me wrong. I loved our house, but it’s just the thought of all of the history of the older houses that mesmerized me. We walked into the boutique and a sales lady came up to us asking if it was our first time there at the boutique.
"Yes, it is and I heard you had a lot of cool stuff in here." Claudia was looking around like she was in a candy shop. I could tell how excited she was. She loves clothes and she looks good in everything, whether its jeans and a T-shirt or a cocktail dress.
"Yes, we do. Is there anything in particular you're looking for? Maybe I can help you ladies." The sales lady was looking at us like she was sizing both of us up.
"We are looking for some dresses. We are going out tonight and we want to look fabulous!" Claudia winked and grinned at me like she had something up her sleeve.
"Well, follow me. I think I can find you two ladies some
thing that you're looking for. Let's see what we have here."
She looked Claudia up and down and told her to turn around and then she looked at me and had me do the same. "Ok, looks like we need some size 6's. Follow me, ladies." She and Claudia started walking and I stood where I was, wondering how in the world she thought I could actually wear a size 6. Claudia realized I wasn't behind her and turned around and put her hand on her hips.
"Well, are you coming or not?"
"Well yeah, but I'm not a size 6. You know I'm a size 10. I've always been a size 10." She sighed and looked at me like I had just lost my mind.
"Have you looked in the mirror lately? I realize that all you're used to wearing is sweats, but have you noticed that they're falling off of you?" I had noticed that my clothes seemed to be baggy, but no. I hadn't really looked at myself in the mirror, other than when I would brush my teeth when I got up, but I hadn't really LOOKED at myself. I just don't want to see my own reflection looking back at me.
"Well, not really. I just don't really care about things like that anymore. It's not like I have anyone to look pretty for anymore."
"Just because there's not anyone around to dress up for anymore, doesn't mean you can't do it to make yourself feel better. This is just another way that you've just let yourself go. When Derek was alive, you were always dressing up and wearing your makeup and keeping your hair trimmed and fixed up." She gave me a half smile, waiting to see what I was going to say and I could tell that she was wondering if this was going to be a continued argument from this morning.
"I realize that, but that was just my way of keeping him interested and to keep him from looking at anyone else"
Derek tended to have a roaming eye. I could always tell when he thought someone was attractive and I tried to make sure that I never turned into a frumpy little housewife, because one of my biggest fears was him cheating on me. He was a very good looking guy and a great catch and I really had to work at looking pretty, because it didn't really come natural to me, like it did Claudia.
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