I had always struggled with the 30 pounds that I had put on after I had kids and he would always insinuate that I needed to get a gym membership to get rid of my love handles. When I didn't get one myself, it was one of my Christmas presents from him last year. I went a couple of times, but never went back.
"Looks like we need to work on some self-esteem issues as well, I see." She waved me on, which meant the conversation was over. While we were having our discussion, the sales lady had a few dresses picked out for us on the clothing rack by the dressing rooms.
"Ladies, here are a few that I believe will look great on the both of you."
"I'm sorry, but I think you might have gotten my size wrong. I know I've lost a little bit of weight, but I've always worn a size 10. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to fit into a size 6. Do you have any 8's maybe?" I started to go towards the dresses for something in my size, when she stopped me.
"I assure you ma'am, I'm never wrong, but I'll tell ya what. If the 6's don't fit you, we can go up a size, okay? I will leave you ladies to it. Feel free to let me know if you need any help with anything. We also have heels to go with the dresses and some jewelry that a customer makes locally here in town if you need any accessories." She nodded at the both of us and walked away. I just stood there in shock. There's no way any of the dresses were going to fit me, I could already tell. Claudia was going through the dresses, picking a few out and hands me 4 dresses.
"Here, go try these on. I think they'll look good on you. Let’s take the 2 dressing rooms on the end that's closest to the mirror and it can be like old times, when we were teenagers when Derek took us shopping at the mall.
“Remember all of the runway shows we would put on for him at Jcpenny? Man those were the good old days." She was giggling like she did way back then!
Claudia was how I met Derek. We were best friends in high school and I spent a lot of time at their house and I had always had a crush on him, but I never thought he would look at me, since I was a freshman and he was a senior. One day he told me that he thought I was kind of cute and asked if I wanted to go out with him and that was it for me. We were inseparable after that. He went away to college after he graduated, while I was still going to school and we got engaged my senior year and then we got married after I graduated. I took a few business classes at the closest vocational school, because he didn't see any point in both of us having a college degree, because we both wanted a lot of kids and he wanted me to stay home with them. He figured the business classes would help in running a big household, because we wanted at least four kids. If only that would have all worked out.
The boys were close in age and we waited a few years to have Jenna, but before they all died, Derek and I were trying to get pregnant with our fourth, so that Jenna would have someone closer to her age to play with. I was hoping I was pregnant after the accident and was devastated when I started my period 2 weeks later and it just made everything seem so Final. Over. Done.
I take the dresses from Claudia and go into the dressing room. I check out the dresses and they're absolutely gorgeous and I doubt that I will do any of them justice.
"Ok. Here's the deal. We each put a dress on and when we get done, we yell out that we are ready and open the door at the same time, so we can check each other out, okay? I don't care if it doesn't look good on you or not, you still open the door and do it. Got it?" Why is she yelling? Our dressing rooms aren't that far apart. I hope no one else decides to try something on. She can be so embarrassing sometimes.
"Got it." It's better to just go along with her sometimes. I strip my clothes down to my panties and bra and look into the mirror and I am shocked at what I see. When did this happen? I've never been fat. Like I said, I had a couple of love handles, but not too big of ones and I needed to lose some weight in my butt, but what I'm looking at right now is not me! I wasn't this skinny in high school! I was never fat and had a flat stomach before the kids came along and had long legs. Not like Claudia, but I got a lot of compliments. I look Skinny! Not anorexic skinny, but my love handles are definitely gone along with my butt! Maybe I do wear a size 6! I decide to try the first dress. It's just your simple little black cocktail dress. A little too short for my taste, but I might as well try it on since Claudia is turning this into a little game. I unzip the zipper and put it on and start to look in the mirror, but Claudia is yelling at me. "Ok. Are you ready?" Not only is she still yelling, but she's giggling like crazy.
"Yes."
"Ok. On the count of 3! 1 2 3!"
Claudia and I opened our doors and we both gasped. She looked so beautiful She has always been beautiful, with her 5' 8" frame. She always thought she was too tall for her body, but she really did look like she should have been a runway model, from her olive complexion to her deep brown eyes and dark brown hair that goes to the middle of her back, down to her long legs that just go on and on. She's always had that fit look about her, like she worked out, but she never had a day in her life! I was always so jealous of her natural beauty.
"Oh my God, Olivia! You are smoking HOT!" Her eyes looked like they were going to bug out of her head.
"Oh you are crazy! Look at you! She was wearing a red dress that looked identical to my black dress.
"Oh, girl! Forget about me. Have you looked at yourself yet?" I made a face and she realized that I hadn't. Come to think of it, I had just put the dress on when she started yelling, so I didn't even think about it.
"No, I haven't." I turned towards the mirror and I was absolutely stunned! Speechless! Not only was I wearing the dress, but it actually FIT me! I didn't even think about it when I put it on and zipped it up. She was right! I was HOT! The dress went to mid-thigh and when I first saw it, I figured it would be too short, but honestly it made my legs look even longer and for once I didn't think my thighs were too big. They were the size I had always wanted. I looked into the mirror at Claudia and she was crying.
"You're absolutely stunning and even more beautiful, O." She reached up with her hands to wipe the tears from her face and leaned towards me and gave me a hug and we were both looking in the mirror, looking at each other. I didn't know what to say, because I was still so shocked at what I was seeing at my reflection.
"Do you know what we need to do?" She was walking back into her dressing room, while taking her dress off. She hung it back up on the hanger and started putting her clothes back on.
"What do we need to do, Claud? Why are you getting dressed? We still have more dresses to try on." I'm completely confused now.
"Oh we aren't trying on anymore dresses... We are wearing the dresses we just had on to my meeting tonight and then we are going out for dinner after, but right now?" She was looking at her watch, as she was saying this and grabbing not only all of her dresses, but mine as well. "We are going to go pick some heels out to go with the dresses and we are buying all of them, because I trust the sales lady with what she picked for us and we are going to head to the beauty salon. Right now! So get undressed and put your clothes back on."
She walked out with me gawking at her, as she walked away. Buy ALL of the dresses? I looked at a couple of the price tags on them and the cost of some of them could have fed my family for a month! For just one dress!
It's not that I can't afford to buy all of them, but I've never spent so much money on myself. EVER! I received the money from the life insurance policies from Derek and the kids and aside from paying Claudia money every month for rent-to which she never deposits the checks-I'm set for life. But can I be so frivolous and spend that much money on myself? If I know Claud, she's not going to give me a choice. I go ahead and get dressed and head to the front to check out.
"Okay girl, let's go." She is waiting for me at the door and already has everything bagged up and ready to go.
"What are you doing, Claud? I need to pay for my stuff, that you're making me buy." She's not exactly "making" me buy them. I did really like the dresses, from what I saw.
"Did you actually think that I
was going to argue with you about how much everything cost and then you try to talk yourself out of not getting all of it? No thank you!"
She walked out of the door and headed towards her car. I thanked the sales lady and silently prayed that she had left her a good tip for all of her help and then followed Claudia to the car.
"I will write you a check when we get home, okay?" She seemed mad for some reason and I couldn't figure out why. "Are you mad at me about something? What'd I do?"
She kept looking straight ahead, while she drove and then sighed. "It's not that I'm mad, O. I just. When I saw you in that dress, it just took me back to how you used to be. Remember all of the fun we used to have? Don't get me wrong. I've had an absolute blast today, but I'm just worried. Well, I'm worried that once this day is over, you're just going to get back into your depression and go back to sleeping all of the time." Oh that. I have had fun today as well and it did feel like old times again and I actually didn't think about Derek and the kids as much as I usually do, which made me feel a little guilty, like I didn't care about them anymore, but it was kind of nice to be distracted too. She looked at me when we hit a stop light and I could tell that she was about to cry.
"I know one awesome day isn't going to get you out of this, but do you think you could try? Try to talk to me more? Maybe go out for dinner more than once a week? Or maybe get a job to get out of the house? Or volunteer for some charity maybe?"
Get a job? I certainly don't need the money. Maybe the charity thing, but the only person I know here is Claudia. I would always be the homeroom mom for the kids’ classes every year and I would help the coaches with fundraisers on the boys’ sports teams, but I dealt with people that I had known forever. If I committed to a job or a charity, what if I had a really bad nightmare and needed to stay in bed to recoup? I don't think this is a good idea at all.
"I don't need the money, as far as the job idea goes and charity work? You're the only person I know in this whole town, Claud." I was trying to plead my case.
"What if I told you there was a job opening at my firm? They need a file clerk and I could make sure that you get the job, and I know you could do the work." She looked over at me and I could tell that she was pleading with me. I realize that this has been her whole plan all along, on how to work everything up to this conversation.
"I think it would help you to get out of the house every day and be around people. I'm not the best person to plan things, with as many hours that I put in at the firm and there are some great people there. Maybe you could make new friends to go see a movie with, or hang out at the house with, or someone to call and talk to about how your day went other than me." I don't know what to think. This is too much for me to fathom right now. I feel like my head is about to explode, because I really don't want to do either one of her ideas, but I also realize how my depression is affecting her and the last thing I want to do is hurt her.
"I'll tell ya what, Claud. I will think about it. I don't want to say yes or no right now, because there's a lot that I have to process, but I will think about it." It sounded like she was holding her breath, from the sound of her exhale. I knew that for at least a day or two, I could rest without worrying about it. When she didn't say anything, I asked her what I had been wondering.
"So, what all are you wanting done to your hair?" She looked over at me and grinned.
"I'm not getting anything done, silly. It's you that is getting something done. I think you need a haircut and" she looked at my hair, "maybe some highlights or a new color."
"Over my dead body!!!! I am NOT getting my hair cut!!!
****************************
We pulled into the parking lot of Claudia's salon and I was bawling and felt like I was going to have a panic attack.
How dare she think I'm going to cut my hair? Just the idea of it had me running my fingers through my long blonde hair. I feel like my hair is my lifeline to Derek and the kids. I know that it's longer than it's ever been and yeah, I admit, I do need to cut it, because it doesn't look too healthy on the ends, but I just can't do it. It's too much.
"Olivia, what's going on now? Why do you look like you're about to hyperventilate?" She reached over and grabbed my hand and started rubbing the top of my arm.
"You don’t understand and if I tell you, you're just going to think I'm crazy." I feel like my heart is about to beat out of my chest and I can’t stop the sniffles that keep coming.
"If you will tell me, I doubt that I will think you're crazy. You were perfectly fine, until I mentioned you cutting your hair and maybe getting some highlights." She seemed genuinely concerned for me.
"It's just that, well, my hair is like my last link to Derek and the kids." There, I said it!! I looked over at her and she looked like she didn't understand. "I know you don't understand, but when Derek would come home from work after being gone the whole week, the first thing he would do was give me a hug and run his fingers through my hair and tell me how much he had missed me and that he couldn't wait to hug me and run his fingers through my hair.” She was listening to me and not looking at me like I was crazy.
"When I would put Jenna to bed every night, I would read her a book to get her to fall asleep and she would always play with my hair and it would always put her to sleep. Same thing with the boys." I lost it at the memory of them and started bawling again.
"Ok, I understand, but what does that have to do with not cutting your hair? I'm not talking about cutting all of it off and donating it to the locks of love, but maybe just a trim. But really, as long as it is, you can still save a lot of length to it. All you ever do is pull it up in a ponytail or put it in a braid."
"The hair that I have, It's hair that they've touched! That's why I can't cut it! If I cut it, then I've lost the one thing that I physically have left of them!" This is just too much. I don't even want to go with her to her meeting now. I just want to go home and get into my pajamas and crawl in bed and forget about all of this.
"Olivia, look at me, ok?" I cannot look at her. There is no way that she is going to make me do this. Her lawyer skills will not, and I repeat, NOT work on me on this!
"Olivia? Please look at me." She sounded defeated, like maybe she knew I wasn't going to budge on this, so I looked at her.
"If I knew that was how you felt about this, I never would have suggested it, ok? We have done so much today that I know was way out of your comfort level and I'm so proud of you for that!" She gave me her gorgeous smile and actually patted me on the back, which had me giggle a little. "And I don't think you're crazy. It actually makes sense now."
"Thank you for understanding." I could finally breathe again. I didn't realize I was holding my breath!
"I do. I completely understand. This is something that I will never ask of you again. Makeovers always make me feel better and I just assumed it would make you feel better as well. Ya know, a change? Changes are good, but sometimes you have to time it right too." She started the car up and pulled out of the parking lot and I was wondering what her plan was now.
"Claud, where are we going?" Please say home, please say home.
"We are going home to rest a little bit before we start getting ready for tonight. I figured you might need to take a little nap. You've had a long day and this day isn't over yet. We still have my meeting and dinner to go to." She patted my hand and smiled at me.
"Or we could just go home and I could go to bed for the rest of the day and all night!" I smiled back at her, hoping she would let me do just that.
"So you're not hungry? You know the meeting isn't going to last long with Mr. Scott and then we can go get something to eat." She leaned over and put some oldies on the radio, but kept the volume low, so that it wouldn't be too loud so we could talk.
"Well, I am kind of hungry, but like you said. This has been a big day for me."
"But what about the dresses we got? Come on O, when are you ever going to wear them, if you don't go anywhere?" Once again, another argument that I wasn
't going to win.
"I don't know. Maybe when we go to that diner tomorrow for lunch, we could wear them." The visual of doing just that had me giggling, because we always go to this hole in the wall diner, but they make the best chicken fried steak and it’s my favorite place.
"Oh yeah, that would work. They would think that we got off work from a prostitution gig!" I think the visual of us doing that had her thinking about it and before you knew it, we were both laughing our butts off.
"I guess a nap will work and I should be alright for tonight." I knew I was going to give in and go. The giggling had me forget about my mini breakdown.
"Awesome! You're not going to regret it and do you know what we should do? Remember when we were in high school and we would do each other’s hair? We should do that!" The idea of doing just that had me laughing my head off. I always did a pretty good job with her hair, but she'd always do something crazy with mine!
"That might be fun for you, because you know I'll make your hair look great, but I'm kind of worried about what you'll do to mine. I don't think I trust you." This made her laugh her head off. I'm sure she was picturing all of the crazy things she did to me.
"Ok ok. You got me there. I promise I will NOT put corn roles in your hair! I did think that was a good look for you, by the way." Oh lord! The corn roles! I had forgotten about them. It took hours for me to get them out of my hair. My mom mentioned getting my dad’s clippers out and just shaving my head to get it over with!
"There's really not much you can do with my hair, Claud. You can either straighten it or curl it. It's up to you. I do trust you. Plus I know you don't have hours to do any damage by corn rolling it." My hair is really long and thick and straight as a board. Not much you can do with it, which is why I usually just do something simple like a braid or tying it up in a ponytail, or a huge bun.
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