Love and Will

by Stephen Dixon

  No thanks, she said.

  Thank you but no, she said.

  No, I don’t really think I could read it right now, she said, But thanks.

  No, really, please, though you have my thanks for offering me another story, I doubt I could read one more, she says.

  No, I’m sorry, Willy, really, but I can’t, and not because I don’t want to or because I couldn’t bear to read another of your stories, but because my eyes are too tired to, Magna says, And that’s the honest truth.

  No, really, it’s impossible, out of the question, and not because I’m too tired to or my eyes are too damaged to or any of those why-I-can’t-read-another-of-Willy’s-stories stories, Magna says, But because I just don’t, won’t and will probably not—not probably not—I will never again want to read one of them, plain as that, which I’m not a bit sorry to say so, and you want to know why?

  Why you’re not a bit sorry to say so? I say.

  Why I don’t want to read another of your stories, she says,—You want to know why?

  No, I say.

  No I don’t, I say.

  No really, thanks, but spare me, I say.

  I don’t know—I think I do but then again I think I don’t, I say.

  Yes, I think I do, I say, Why?

  All right, I say, Why?

  Why? I say.

  Yes, I say, I really would like to know why. Why?

  You bet I want to know why, I say.

  Why can’t you read another one of my stories? I say. Just tell me, give me one good reason, give me even half a good reason, because what else do you have to do or do you do? Other than reading my stories you do nothing but sit in a chair and sleep in bed or sit up in bed and sleep in a chair, so you’re in fact lucky I give you my stories to read, you’re in fact lucky I keep writing stories which you’re then lucky I give you them to read, because if I stopped writing them you of course wouldn’t have any more to read, and then what else would you have to do but sit and sleep, in bed or in a chair?

  I wish I could read one more, Willy, she said, But I busted my glasses today and don’t have another pair.

  All you do is give excuses, I said, Other than for sitting in bed and sleeping in a chair and vice versa, and of course reading my stories, in bed or in a chair.

  I’d love to read your story, she said, But not outside. It’s dark now, can’t you see? Actually, I don’t want to read your story and it isn’t dark, and don’t ask me why I made up such a ridiculous excuse when you can see from here it’s still very much light out, or said I’d ever want to read your story, if I did, though that’s all I’m going to say of it, now and for all time about your story and giving excuses for not reading them, even if that last excuse is way less than insufficient for you.

  I wish I could read another of your stories, Magna said. In fact I wish I could read a couple-hundred more. But you won’t believe this—I can’t see. I suddenly lost all my sight.

  I’d love more than anything in the world to read another of your stories, Willy, Magna says, But you won’t believe this in a hundred thousand years: I can’t see now and never could.

  She’s still reading my stories, pages are still being turned, grunts, groans, laughs, still being made, it’s still light out, sunny and bright, and she’s still sitting in the chaise longue on the back porch of this cottage overlooking the ocean—the top floor of the cottage does, all she can see from the porch in that direction are the trees obscuring the ocean—one of the cats in her lap, other two cats under the chaise longue—reading, reading my stories—she is, the cats if they’re still where they were when I last saw them are probably still sleeping—while I try to write another story so she’ll have a fifth one of mine to read in the order I wrote them, one in May, two in June, one in July, all in the same year, and this one if I finish it on time written the same day I finished the last page of the fourth story, and now of a length where I can at last say—well, maybe I could have said it two to three pages back—that if I have to stop because she’s opening the screen door to come upstairs to tell me what she thinks of my four stories, it’ll at least be, if not finished, then long enough to be considered in some circles a story, and maybe finished even if I stop in the middle of a sentence or anywhere but the end of the sentence in a place where to many readers in some circles if not most readers in many circles to every single reader in every circle, a story that’s unfinished, or rather, a story that perhaps to some or all readers is unfinished but to me is—

  I stopped writing that last sentence because it was getting confusing. Not Getting: it was confusing. Is confusing, so long as I still have it on this page. But what I meant to say in the sentence or two before the one before the last one was that no matter where I stop, the story will be finished, since that’s the kind of story I’ve decided this one will be: a story that will be finished, if I don’t finish it before then with a period at the end of a final paragraph, the second she opens the screen door to come upstairs with the other four stories to talk about them. How do I know she’ll come upstairs with the other stories and will want to talk about them? That she’ll even open the screen door? That she’ll even finish the stories? That she’ll even finish one of the pages of one of the stories or even the first paragraph or line or word of one of the stories? That she’ll even—uh oh, I just heard the screen door open. I know I said I’d stop the second she opened the door to come upstairs, but I’m not sure she was the one who opened the door. It could be one of her cats. Each one knows how to open the screen door if it’s not locked. They open the screen door, and have opened it this way hundreds of times before, by pushing one paw between the door and jamb till they get

  The Last

  I want to throw the whole thing into the river. I think I’ve already said that. Or I’ve done that. Which is it? Me mind, me mind. Been working at this so long I forget what I do, why I do it, when I did it. Let me see, when was it? I was, well there I was, I mean it was, oh forget it. I’ll never remember, but give it one more shot. I had this thing, right, this thing and threw it into the river, there it was, floating for a while, sank after a while, so be it. But what was that thing? I thought I said. Let me think. No you didn’t. It was a thing, right. It was it. It was this. I mean—looking over to where this thing is or was—it isn’t there so it was my manuscript. That’s what it was. There. To be exact: my biggest manuscript. That’s exactly what it was. Threw the damn thing into the river. Wrote about it, wrote it, wrote what I did with it after I wrote it: river, manuscript. Wrote that I was finished with it, had enough, couldn’t go on with it, that’s what I felt, that’s what I did, threw it into the river, the whole thing, so what more’s to be said about it, right? I guess nothing, so I’ll sign off.

  But now I’ve nothing to do. It’s like a child who’s upped and gone away from home, just left, left home for good, deserted the hearth, said to its daddy, me, I’m leaving for good, said to its mommy, me, I’ve had it here forever, said to its parents, me, because I did it, I’m responsible, I gave birth to it, I suckled it, I provided the egg and sperm and place to grow, I nurtured it, I brought it up, I got its food and fed its face, I took care of it when it was sick, I cut its cord with my teeth, bit through it and sewed it up, I read it its first words, taught it how to talk and walk, held it against my chest, held it to my breast, I wiped its ass every day and night eight-ten times a day and threw out its shit, I let it piss on my head and toes, I let it pull my nose and lobes, I held and kissed it, I was held and kissed by it, I am lost without it, I walk around town wondering where it is and what I’ll do for the rest of my life without it, I, well, I can’t, well I just can’t live without it I sometimes think.

  So I start something else. I find another woman. Or continue with the previous figure of speech. A woman finds another man. She gets him to pump into her when she’s ready to conceive. It doesn’t work the first or second or even the third time so she gets him to keep pumping into her every day and night till he’s sure she can’t do
anything but conceive. He and she conceive. They do. I do with my woman and man. We conceive. I’m they. She has, I have, we do, a baby. Another one—our second—end of figure of speech. A fine figure of speech. An awful figure of speech. I’m not even sure it was a figure of speech. But we have, it is, I start, again and again. Work on it day and night, night and day, days and nights, and what then? What could I expect? It runs off. Leaves the house. It leaves us. Be more direct. Another unfinished—yes? Goddamn novel, that’s what it was. There it is. Why wasn’t I that specific at first? Now I have been, so what’s the dif? Ran off, left me, left us, gone, where to? The river. There it goes. Someone save it. Please, anyone, it’s drowning, I can’t swim, a man jumps in, woman too, he sinks but she swims a couple of strokes, says I can’t make it so far to get him and it both, swims back dragging the man with her to land. So I jump in with my shoes on, jump and swim but it’s gone, what can I say? Murky as this river is, this body of water is, this figure of speech is, I still dive and dive and dive till I decide the water’s too murky and I’ll never find it no matter how many times I dive, so I swim to shore, where I am now, drying off, manuscript gone.

  So what do I do but start another one. Use my penis and vagina, testes and ova. Doesn’t work. Nothing produced. We’re infertile, she’s barren, I’ve little to no sperm count, she’s lost count, I’m barren, she’s infertile, whatever it is, or we are, nothing comes, though it’s fun, so damn much fun, but not another fetus, no more children, not even a part of one manuscript, I’m done, can’t last like this for that long without another one, so might as well chuck it all in, jump into the river myself, which I do, we.

  Together we jump. Holding hands. What else is there to do now? Can’t do anything but what we can do I suppose, though I don’t know—I’m not very good with those—but anyway, it’s what we do, jump into the river, we know it’s over our heads, heard of others who’ve jumped into it from the same spot we did and sank ten feet or so over their heads, so we’ve jumped, hand in hand, not a very long jump, fifteen feet at the most, not even as long as that, twelve, ten, we jump, fall, end up in the river, sink, about eight feet so two to three feet over our heads, we’re done, wasn’t fun, drowning wasn’t, falling was quite a thrill, but drowning was dreadful, couldn’t breathe, choked to death, gagged when I lost my last breathe, I’m not sure if it was my last, drowning was agonizing, though, never again.

  So I watch all this from my window. Watch the river through the only window of my apartment, a good apartment despite just a single room and its shortage of space and what might be called a dining alcove: right on the river, window with a broad view. Once though, it’s true, I threw my manuscript into the river, no one jumped after it. I sure didn’t. Just threw it out the window into the river. It can be done if the manuscript’s heavy enough and I give it a good toss. But that was it. Sank, didn’t float. None of the pages came up. Maybe somewhere one did, but never here, far as I know, and none was ever found anywhere else, far as I know too. Now I look out this window. Water. Bridges. River traffic. Ships, barges, tugs. A pleasure craft. Flock of geese or ducks go past flying south though at this time of the year I’d think it’d be north. Workers on the docks way off. Nearer me, and below, people on the promenade. Mothers, carriages, nannies, men reading on benches, and so on. Boys and girls skipping by and jumping rope. In the sky: planes, clouds. A beautiful day. White clouds, blue sky, setting sun. Quite a sight. And before me, nothing. Meaning in my typewriter or at the end of my pen, nothing. Time maybe for me to go. No. Out the window first. I look. I open it. Mild as it looks. The pen. From three stories up I throw it into the river. It makes a blip and is gone. Now the typewriter. Too heavy to throw. I go downstairs, cross the promenade, dump it over the railing. Drop it over, really. Plop. Gone. I thought it’d make a louder sound. A woman jogs by. “What’d you drop in the river,” she says on the run, “your newborn child?” Wow, that’s a strange thing to say. Even if she saw what I dropped and knew what I’d been thinking, which I’m sure she didn’t, a very strange remark. That woman must be crazy.

  Ten Years—

  Earlier today he threw out his father’s old bathrobe and wants to tell—

  She isn’t home by six and at seven he starts to get—

  He dials her office and—

  At eight the phone rings—

  She unlocks the door around—

  He kisses her, wants to know what—

  She says “It was unfortunate but late this afternoon a lawyer from Abadine and Lynch”—

  “I don’t care what the hell happened, the least you”—

  “I’m sorry too, and I’m telling you, I would have called much sooner but”—

  All right, that’s over, and he realizes he got overexcited when the right reaction—

  “Are you still hungry?” he—

  “To tell you the truth, Smitty, I only want”—

  “Do what you want, what do I care, because nobody here”—

  “Now listen, I don’t want to”—

  “But two hours,” he says, “two”—

  “I thought we went”—

  “We did, but still—oh, what am I getting so damn upset”—

  “That’s what I feel, though I’ve absolutely said my last on it tonight,” and she goes—

  “Wait, we haven’t”—

  He hears the shower—

  He goes into the kitchen and gets himself—

  In the kitchen he wonders if—

  He opens the back door to his floor’s service area to see if the garbage—

  Good, and he picks up the plastic bag and brings it back into—

  He opens it and first has to take some garbage out before—

  He shakes it out, wipes off a little meat sauce from—

  He pours himself another drink and looks at the bathrobe lying—

  It’s still wearable, so why did—

  Because the collar’s so frayed and the cuffs also and the belt almost a string now and besides that—

  When did his mother buy—

  He remembers when his father was very sick and wore this robe and the spittle would—

  He’d have to wipe it off the sleeves and the collar and the front—

  “Dad,” he’d say then, “when you feel the drool”—

  “I can’t help it,” his father would say, “I can’t help it, and it’s not”—

  “You can make an attempt to help if you’d only”—

  “Stop pestering me, stop ordering”—

  How many years did he live with them then, helping his mother take care of him, and people, especially his sisters, saying he was too old to live home again but that they—

  For the last year of his life his father was either in this bathrobe or—

  First thing every morning he’d lift his father off the bed, stand him up, put the bathrobe on him, walk him to—

  His wife comes into the kitchen, is in her nightgown, and says as she—

  “Excuse me, but why’s the garbage”—

  “I’ll clean it up, don’t worry”—

  “And why’s the old robe”—

  “I threw it out today and wanted to keep it thrown out but”—

  “Why’d you”—

  “I just didn’t”—

  “It’s actually too worn to wear and probably has”—

  “You can’t know how many, and it was really the reason I jumped all over”—

  “Look, Smitty, that’s all”—

  “I wanted to explain, though, and I suppose I was lucky the guy who picks up the trash at six”—

  “I’m not sure how lucky you”—

  “Maybe I can bring it to”—

  “It’s beyond”—

  “Ah, best thing is to get rid of it, right? but before I do, maybe I could”—

  “Where are you going”—

  “In my wallet, or, though this must sound infantile—maudlin’s more like it—in”—

  “Not ‘maudlin
’ or ‘infantile’ as much as”—

  “I want to remember the design and colors and”—

  “Maybe it’s a good idea then, but anyway, mind if”—

  “Sure, I’ll just stay here a few more minutes and make my decision, and clean up, of”—

  “I wish you’d do that now, for it’s beginning”—

  “Goodnight, lovey”—

  He pours—

  The cat jumps off the refrigerator and immediately—

  “Get off it, Lucy, get”—

  Oh what the hell, he—

  “Hey, Lucy, hey, baby—hey, stupid Lucy, you didn’t eat”—

  He picks up—

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean”—

  Maybe he should just go to bed—

  No, the bathrobe, and the garbage—he has to deal with them, and he rips a few paper towels off the—

  He fastens the top of the garbage bag with the tab, puts the bag back in the service area, locks the door, thinks Why not the newspapers too? puts a pile of newspapers and magazines under the garbage bag, pokes the bag and it doesn’t slide off, locks the door, downs his—

  It was for winter anyway and—

  That’s not the reason, of course, since he could easily—

  A few weeks after his father died, his mother—

  He said “I don’t want to hear of it, I”—

  It hung in her—

  A few months after that his mother said “I’ve had it cleaned and if you don’t”—

  He took it home—

  He picks the cat up off the bathrobe and sits her on—

  The bathrobe hung in their—

  His wife said a number of times—

  He covered it with a plastic bag from a dry cleaner just so—

  Then one night when it was almost zero degree out and the wind off the river—

  The robe kept him warm but always reminded—

  Out, he has to throw it out, he has to get rid of the damn thing once and for—