Meant to Be

by Melody Carlson

  I'm sorry that I can't physically be with you anymore. But I have this deep sense, this blessed assurance, that I'll be able to check in on you from time to time—like when you graduate or marry or have children… Goodness, it wouldn't be heaven if I were cut off from my two loved ones permanently, now would it? So please know that although I am away, I am still here. My love for you will go on forever. And eventually we will all be together again. I believe that with my whole heart. In the meantime, we will just do our best, won't we? And knowing you, my Kim, you will do better than your best—you always do.

  Now here is my final wish for you, sweetheart. Its something I've never really put into words but have always wanted to say: Take time to breathe, to feel the sun on your head, to smell the roses, and to laugh. You've always been a serious girl, but don't forget to have fun, to appreciate the goodness all around you, and to hear the birds singing in the trees. Those are all God's gifts to you, and I want you to enjoy them—and to enjoy the wonderful life that is stretched out before you! And when you do those things, my sweet daughter, remember me!

  Love always and forever,

  Mom

  More tears are running down my cheeks now. I wonder if they will ever stop and then suddenly I hear something—a bird singing from the maple tree in the front yard. I remember what Mom wrote about listening to the birds. And so I just sit and listen. And quite honestly, it's the first time I actually recall just sitting still and listening to a bird like that. And its the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

  For a moment my old Buddhist ways return, and I actually wonder if it's Mom, in the form of a bird, singing to me. Then I remember what she said about the sun on my head, so I go out and stand in the yard. I feel its sharp warmth on my dark hair, and it actually feels pretty good. Then I see all the flowers that I planted for Mom over a month ago. At the time they were kind of scrawny and spindly with very few blooms, but today they are a rainbow of color and blossoms. Why hadn't I even noticed them before?

  “Thanks, Mom,” I say with my face to the sky.

  Tuesday, May 2

  Aunt Shannon and Maya arrived yesterday afternoon. Dad and I met them at the airport, holding up a sign that simply said, “Shannon and Maya,” because the truth is, we don't even know their last name. Fortunately they spotted us standing just outside of the baggage claim area; fortunate because I seriously doubt that we ever would've recognized them. But they came, lugging their bags, the older one waving to us and pointing at the sign.

  It turns out that Aunt Shannon is no longer a brunette (like in her teen pictures). She's a very thin, fast-talking, stylishly dressed blonde. The first thing she did after getting outside the terminal was to light up a cigarette. “I thought I was going to die for the lack of a smoke,” she said after she took in a long drag.

  “I'm Allen Peterson,” my dad told her. “This is Kim.”

  She smiled and shook our hands. “Fm Shannon and this is Maya.”

  Now Mayas the one who took me slightly by surprise with her olive-toned skin and long, dark, curly hair. Other than being head-turning gorgeous, she doesn't look anything like her mother. But being Korean with Caucasian parents I'm used to being “different,” so I don't say anything. Neither does Dad.

  As we walked to the car, Aunt Shannon kept talking almost nonstop about the crummy flight, bad food, poor service, and air turbulence. “I don't know why they even bother to call it first class anymore. They load everyone in like cattle these days. And security, well, don't even get me going.”

  Finally, we were in the car. Aunt Shannon in front with Dad, and me in the backseat with Maya, who didn't look very pleased to be here.

  Dad cleared his throat, and I could hear it coming. “Uh, Shannon, I need to tell you something… We would've called, but everything happened so quickly, and then we were busy and, well, somewhat distracted…but Patricia passed away quite late on Saturday night.”

  “Oh, no!” Aunt Shannon shrieked so loudly that I nearly jumped out of my seat. “Oh, please, Allen, tell me it's not true. Patricia died?”

  “I wish it weren't true—” his voice broke slightly. “But it is. Kim and I have been pretty devastated. We would've called, but we were both—”

  “Oh, I can't believe it. I can't believe after all these years…and being so close…1 can't believe I missed her.” And then she started crying, sobbing loudly.

  I was sitting directly behind her, so I put my hand on her shoulder. “Mom really wanted to see you,” I told her. “I thought maybe it was helping her to hang on—she'd been feeling so badly before the phone call. And then she rallied, didn't she, Dad?”

  He nodded. “She was so happy to hear your voice, Shannon. So glad that you were alive and doing well.”

  Aunt Shannon blew her nose. “This is just my luck!”

  “Qh, Mom,” Maya said with clear exasperation. “This isn't about you.”

  “She was rny sister, Maya! It most certainly is about me.”

  And to my shock and horror, they got into this huge argument right there in the car as Dad drove us home. They said horrible things to each other and even used profanity. I couldn't even imagine what Dad was thinking, but I was totally shocked.

  By the time we pulled into the driveway, they'd finally settled down, and I thought that they might apologize to us for their complete lack of manners or discretion, but they didn't.

  “Is this your house?” asked Shannon. (At this point I had decided not to call her “Aunt” Shannon any longer.)

  “This is our humble abode,” said my dad. The apologetic tone to his voice irritated me. I mean, what reason do we have to be sorry about anything—well, other than losing Mom?

  “I thought you were the managing editor of a big newspaper?” she said as Dad unloaded their bags,

  “It's just the local paper,” my dad told her. “Small potatoes.”

  We helped them get their bags into the “humble abode” and to their room.

  “We're sharing a room?” Maya said, more to her mother than to us since we'd already gone out.

  I gave Dad a questioning glance, and he just shrugged as if he didn't even care. Then I heard more arguing and the discussion of one or both of them going to a hotel. I, personally, am voting for the hotel!

  Their arguing seems to be a fairly nonstop thing. It gives me a headache and makes my dad create excuses to leave. Instead of going to a hotel, Maya has opted to sleep on the couch in the family room. I would've offered to share my room with her, but she kind of scares me. In fact, the only reason I'm nice to them at all is because of Mom. They are, after all, her relatives.

  Tonight, Dad and I take a little walk. Mostly to escape another argument between the two of them.

  “It's hard to believe they're related to Mom,” I say once we re a few houses away.

  He sighs deeply. “I know.

  “It occurred to me that they're her actual flesh and blood relatives, and I'm not.”

  Well, Dad stops right in the middle of the sidewalk, reaches over and takes both my hands, and says, “Kim Patricia Peterson, if you're not your mom's flesh and blood, then no one is. You are more like your mom than Shannon or Maya will ever be. And don't you ever forget it.”

  I nod without saying anything. Although it was a little abrupt, I know that Dad was paying me the highest compliment possible, and I will NEVER forget it.

  “What are we going to do about them?” I finally ask as we tum to head back. I don't admit to Dad that I've been secretly calling them Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie since they seem about that spoiled and inconsiderate.

  He just shrugs. “Don't know that there's much we can do, Kim. We'll be hospitable for your moms sake; they'll come to her funeral, and then hopefully go home the next day. I asked Shannon if she'd been able to rearrange their return flight, and she said she was working on it.”

  “Dad?” I say as we're getting closer to our house.

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you think it was kind of a
blessing for Mom to go before she actually met them in person?”

  Now for the first time since losing Mom, Dad almost laughs. Then he reaches over and puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me toward him. “Maybe so, Kimmy. Maybe so.”

  And so that's what I'm thinking. I mean, knowing Mom and how much she was looking forward to seeing Shannon and meeting her only niece, I think it would've hurt her deeply to see the way they treat each other, to hear their arguments and how they swear at each other like drunken sailors.

  Mom had a sweet and sensitive spirit, and I think seeing her own flesh and blood carrying on like this would've just killed her. And if Mom had to die, Fd much rather she died peacefully in her sleep than in the midst of such open hatred and bitterness. So maybe God did know what He was doing after all.

  Twenty-two

  Wednesday, May 3

  Moms funeral was sweet and simple, probably exactly what she wanted. It was held at my parents’ church, which was packed to standing room only. I was surprised at how many people came—and even more surprised at how each of them (at least the ones who spoke to me) really knew and loved her. I couldn't believe how many people said that Mom had done something to help or encourage them at some point in their lives. I mean, here I thought she spent most of her time at home just doing laundry or baking cookies, and she had this whole other life of helping others. Go figure.

  I was also surprised to see how many of my friends from school and church were there. It's almost like I'd forgotten all about these people during the past several days. But apparently they haven't forgotten me. Even Chloe, Laura, and Affie were there. I hadn't even heard they were back from tour. And Pastor Tony and his wife were there, along with Josh Miller and his fiancee, Caitlin.

  “I'm so sorry,” Caitlin told me when we went downstairs after the service.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I know.” Then I thought of something. “You remember when you asked me about playing ‘Ave Maria?”

  “Yes.” She frowned. “But I'll totally understand if you changed your mind, Kim. I mean, you've been through—”

  “No, that's not it. I just wanted to tell you how ironic it was that you wanted that piece since my mom had loved it and I learned it last December just so I could play it for her at Christmas.”

  Caitlin got tears in her eyes then hugged me. “That's awesome, Kim. I wish I'd known your mom.”

  “You would've liked her.”

  And that's what I thought as we stood by her grave later this afternoon. Everyone liked her. I honestly couldn't think of one single person who didn't like my mom. And then I asked myself why was that so—I mean, I know there are people who don't like me, but then I don't especially like them either—and that's when it occurred to me that it was because my mom liked everyone. She was the kind of person who could find the good in anyone. No matter who I brought home, what they looked like, what their family was like, Mom always liked and accepted them. Now some people may think that's no big deal, but to me it was totally amazing!

  But in the same moment that this revelation hit me, I glanced over to where Shannon and Maya were standing off to one side. While I know that Mom totally loved her sister, it occurred to me that she'd never met her niece, Maya. And watching Maya standing there with her scowling face and narrowed eyes, with her arms folded tightly across her chest like she could hardly stand us and couldn't wait to get out of here and back to her fashionable friends in Beverly Hills, it hit me—Mom would've loved her too!

  So now I'm back home, and I realize that Mom's not here anymore, and that it's up to me to love someone as unlovable as Maya. As it turns out, “Paris and Nicole's” airline tickets are nonrefundable, and their return flight isn't scheduled until next Wednesday. So it looks like God is giving me one whole week to practice loving someone in the same way my mom would've done.

  God help me, I hope I'm up to it!

  Reader's Guide

  1. Kim seemed to have a good relationship with her mother. Why do you think that was? In what ways can your relationship with your mother be improved?

  2. How do you think you'd feel if someone close to you was dying? Describe the emotions you might experience.

  3. Natalie had really been on Kim to “be careful” in her relationship with Matthew. Why do you think she was so pushy about this?

  4. Do you think that Christians should date unbelievers? Why or why not?

  5. Were you surprised to learn that Natalie and Benjamin had had sex? Why or why not?

  6. If you were Natalie, what could someone say to you that would help you to feel better and move on?

  7. Why do you think Nat is having such a hard time talking to God?

  8. Do you think Kim is finished grieving for her mother? What would you say to her if you were her friend?

  9. Shannon and Maya seem to have some issues. How do you think Kim will handle them staying in their home for another week?

  10. What do you think the future holds for Kim and Matthew? If you were Kims friend, what would you tell her about this relationship?

  JUST ASK Kim book one “Blackmailed” to regain driving privileges, Kim Peterson agrees to anonymously write a teen advice column for her dad's newspaper. No big deal, she thinks, until she sees her friends’ heartaches in bold black and white. Suddenly Kim knows she does NOT have all the answers and is forced to turn to the One who does. ISBN 1-59052-321-0

  MEANT TO BE. Kim book two

  Hundreds of people pray for the healing of Kim's mother. As her mother improves, Kim's relationship with Matthew develops. Natalie thinks it's wrong for a Christian to date a non-Christian. But Nat's dating life isn't exactly smooth sailing, either. Both girls are praying a lot—and waiting to find out what's meant to be. ISBN 1-59052-322-9

  FALLING UP. Kim book three (Available February 2006)

  It's summer, and Kim is overwhelmed by difficult relatives, an unpredictable boyfriend, and a best friend who just discovered she's pregnant. Kim's stress level increases until a breakdown forces her to take a vacation. How will she get through these troubling times without going crazy? ISBN 1-59052-324-5

  THAT WAS THEN…. Kim book four (Available June 2006) Kim starts her senior year with big faith and big challenges ahead. Her best friend is pregnant and believes it's God's will that she marry the father. But Kim isn't so sure. Then she receives a letter from her birth mom who wants to meet her, which rocks Kim's world. Can her spiritual maturity make a difference in the lives of those around her? ISBN 1-59052-425-X

  Log on to www.doatg.com

  DIARY OF A TEENAGE GIRL Caitlin book one

  Follow sixteen-year-old Caitlin O'Conner as she makes her way through life— surviving a challenging home life, school pressures, an identity crisis, and the uncertainties of “true love.” You'll cry with Caidin as she experiences heartache, and cheer for her as she encounters a new reality in her life: God. See how rejection by one group can—incredibly—sometimes lead you to discover who you really are. ISBN 1-57673-735-7

  ITS MY LIFE, Caitlin book two

  Caitlin faces new trials as she strives to maintain the recent commitments she's made to God. Torn between new spiritual directions and loyalty to Beanie, her pregnant best friend, Caitlin searches out her personal values on friendship, dating, life goals, and family. ISBN 1-59052-053-X

  WHO I AM, Caitlin book three

  As a high school senior, Caitlin's relationship with Josh takes on a serious tone via e-mail—threatening her commitment to “kiss dating good-bye.” When Beanie begins dating an African-American, Caitlin's concern over dating seems to be misread as racism. One thing is obvious: God is at work through this dynamic girl in very real but puzzling ways, and a soul-stretching time of racial reconciliation at school and within her church helps her discover God's will as never before. ISBN 1-57673-890-6

  ON MY OWN Caitlin book four

  An avalanche of emotion hits Caidin as she lands at college and begins to realize she's not in high school anymore. Buried in coursework a
nd far from her best friend, Beanie, Caitlin must cope with her new roommate's bad attitude, manic music, and sleazy social life. Should she have chosen a Bible college like Josh? Maybe…but how to survive the year ahead is the big question right now! ISBN 1-59052-017-3

  I DO, Caitlin book five

  Caitlin, now 21 and in her senior year of college, accepts Josh Millers proposal for marriage. But Caitlin soon discovers there's a lot more to getting married than just saying “I do.” Between her mother, mother-in-law to be, and Caitlin's old buddies, Caitlin's life never seems to run smoothly. As a result, the journey to her wedding is full of twists and turns where God touches many lives, including her own. ISBN 1-59052-320-2

  Log on to www.doatg.com

  MV NAHE IS CHLOE, Chloe book one

  Chloe Miller, Josh's younger sister, is a free spirit with dramatic clothes and hair. She struggles with her identity, classmates, parents, boys, and whether or not God is for real. But this unconventional high school freshman definitely doesn't hold back when she meets Him in a big, personal way. Chloe expresses God's love and grace through the girl band, Redemption, that she forms, and continues to show the world she's not willing to conform to anyone else's image of who or what she should be. Except God's, that is. ISBN 1-59052-018-1

  SOLD OUT, Chloe book two

  Chloe and her fellow band members must sort out their lives as they become a hit in the local community. And after a talent scout from Nashville discovers the trio, all too soon their explosive musical ministry begins to encounter conflicts with family, so-called friends, and school. Exhilarated yet frustrated, Chloe puts her dream in God's hand and prays for Him to work out the details. ISBN 1-59052-141-2