The Adventures of HAL: The Second Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 2)

by Haines, Derek

  With the aid of a few ushers, March the Fourth made his way from the Great Hall accompanied by another grand episode of sound and lighting effects, while everyone of course kept on saluting. Finally after nearly half an hour, March had left the building, the extravaganza had finished, and the lighting in the hall returned to normal as the High Councillors filed out.

  ‘So that’s it then?’ Bradley asked Minor-Morris.

  ‘Yes. All over. Let’s have a nightcap old fellow. Then a good sleep before we head back to Erde tomorrow.’

  Ten-Nine-Eight

  Hal brushed up on international law. Not that he had one residing single notion, opinion or even an iota of an idea as to what it was actually, from which to base his brushing up upon. But as he’d been given some books and told to brush up, and that he had no chance of going outside to go to a football match or a concert or anything remotely entertaining or exterior, he decided to do as he was told. He had tried not to start a countdown, but as Everett had told him the next meeting of the Camera Stellata was now confirmed for the eighth, Hal readied himself to finish his tenure. It was now only seven days away.

  Initially reluctant during the early days of his stay, Hal finally decided to chill out, enjoy the food, relax, do as he was told and generally be quite a well behaved trainee member of the Camera Stellata. Albeit a club of greedy oligarchs bent on world domination and exploitation of the masses for the enrichment of the very few while handing out a form of brutal injustice that made him sick to his stomach. He would go along with all the hoop-la, be inducted, be a good lad, then fly back home to Brisbane after agreeing to be a truly-ruly loyal new member of the Camera Stellata. Once back home he would make all the necessary arrangements to ensure his inheritance was safely deposited, and then hi-tail it to Nimbin, hide under Bruce’s VW microbus, grow a long beard and never be seen again. He patiently waited to put his cunning plan into action.

  Finally after patiently doing as he was told, and not seeing a single ray of sunlight for a little over four weeks, the day arrived at last. The Camera Stellata was meeting at three, and his induction was the first item on the meeting’s agenda. With a final morning of coaching from Everett Emberly and a special guest appearance by Sandro Gregorian, Hal was ready. At two-fifty, he descended the four landings from his quarters to the anteroom of the Cavern of Clavius. The secret entry to the Star Chamber was already open.

  ‘Are you ready Hal?’ Everett asked.

  ‘As ready as I’ll ever be I suppose.’

  ‘Well, lead on Hal.’

  Hal entered the Star Chamber with Everett close behind while Sandro stayed in the anteroom to close the entrance. Hal heard the entry closing as he made his way to his appointed seat along side Everett, and with the eyes of the already gathered members passing their first judgment upon Baron Halbert Horatio Hoop. Taking his seat carefully and making doubly sure he didn’t knock over the carafe of water, or make too much noise dragging his chair, he noticed Sir Bradley Sidebottom alongside the President; William Minor-Morris, the Archduke of Chester, the man who had to sign off on his inheritance. Hal nervously pulled his chair a little closer to the table. The chair legs gripping the floor under his large frame and making an awful scraping, vibrating sound that seemed to echo around the ever so silent chamber for an eternity. Still not quite comfortable, he made one more chair and backside movement forward, this time hitting his knee on a leg of the table, and if it weren’t for Everett’s lightening reflexes, the carafe of water may have launched some distance down the table. Hal gave Everett a small thank you smile, then folded his hands safely on the table in front of him. Ready now for his big day. He and everyone else now waited in an eerie silence, as William Minor-Morris seemed to be preparing himself to open the meeting. Hal bravely fought off a sneeze then gripped his hands together just a little more firmly as he noticed they were shaking. He caught a knowing nod from Sir Bradley, but wondered what he knew. Hal gave a replica knowing nod in return, without knowing anything either.

  ‘Good afternoon. I declare this meeting of the Camera Stellata open,’ William Minor-Morris stated authoritatively, and he too received a lot of knowing nods.

  ‘Sir Bradley, the apologies if you will.’

  ‘Yes Mr President,’ Bradley started. ‘Lord Semaphore Flagship has sent his apologies as he is unfortunately in quarantine and being treated for malaria in Timbuktu.’

  ‘Accepted,’ Minor-Morris replied.

  ‘Sir Robert Gillian-Smythe has sent his apologies as he is being held hostage by a group of patriotic lunatics somewhere in the forests of Brazil.’

  ‘Have we taken action on this matter Sir Bradley?’

  ‘Yes sir, we have sent a group of extremely nasty mercenaries to rescue Sir Robert and wipe out the entire group of lunatics.’

  ‘How many members are there of this lunatic fringe?’

  ‘Only a few thousand sir.’

  ‘Very well, apology accepted, please continue Sir Bradley.’

  ‘The final apology is from the Earl of Baskerville. He is overseeing the final stages of the coup d’état in Ikbanistan, but reports that he envisages the mining and oil industries will be under his control within days. The elimination of some resistant villages in the area is currently underway as is the disposal of the members of the retiring government.’

  ‘Apology accepted. But please forward a note to the Earl pointing out that it would be appreciated if he could plan his activities in a timelier manner. I believe this is the third meeting in five years that he has been absent.’

  ‘Yes Mr President.’

  ‘Very well then. The first item on our agenda if you please Lord Suttcliffe.’ Suttcliffe was seated on the president’s right, and as secretary of the Camera Stellata, was responsible for the agenda for each meeting.

  ‘Thank you Mr President. Our first duty today is to fill the recent vacancy caused by the unfortunate accidental death of Baron Spencer Hoop. In accordance with the statutes of the Camera Stellata, his rightful heir, Baron Halbert Horatio Hoop has been nominated to fill the vacancy and prepared for investiture. I therefore ask you Mr President, if you are in agreement, to conduct his investiture.’

  ‘Thank you Lord Suttcliffe, I agree,’ Minor-Morris replied and stood from his seat. ‘I call upon the rightful heir of Baron Spencer Hoop, Baron Halbert Horatio Hoop to rise and be recognised by the present members and constituted legal quorum of the Camera Stellata.’

  Everett immediately made a move to protect the carafe of water and adjacent glasses in preparation for Hal’s rise from his chair. It was a good idea indeed, as Hal’s chair made another round of dragging and scraping noises in synchronicity with the table that Hal’s right knee had managed to give another good nudge. As he rose, and the back of Hal’s large calves straightened, Everett also managed to get a hand to the back of the chair before it could complete its tumble backwards towards the floor. Now standing erect, Hal readied himself. Feeling a little close to the table, and especially the carafe and glasses, he shuffled his feet ever so minutely backwards to create a feeling of safety. Everett wasn’t fast enough this time, and Hal’s chair finally made its move backwards, landing heavily on its back with a wood meets marble type of cracking sound. Hal spun around and bent down at the very instant Everett was coming to the rescue, and the dull sound of clunking heads could be heard at some distance.

  ‘It’s ok, I’ll get it,’ Everett said while rubbing the lump developing on his forehead. Hal resumed standing.

  ‘Are you quite ready young man?’ Minor-Morris enquired.

  ‘Yes Mr President, I am,’ Hal replied and was very pleased with himself for having remembered to address the president correctly.

  ‘Right, well then, very well,’ Minor-Morris said, as he seemed to be preparing some pieces of paper. ‘Could you please pass the oath to Baron Hoop?’ he asked Lord Suttcliffe, who proceeded to start a pass-the-parcel chain down the right hand side of the room towards Hal. Minor-Morris waited until Hal had it in his
hands. Then he got on with things again.

  ‘Baron Halbert Horatio Hoop, rightful son and heir of Baron Spencer Hoop, I command thee to take the oath of office, and swear upon your life your loyal servitude to the raison d'être of the Camera Stellata.’

  Hal would normally have at least raised a smile to acknowledge he was being spoken to, but in this instance he decided best not to. Instead, he took the gold-edged card in his hand and thought he better get on with his bit straight away. He took a deep breath, felt a sneeze coming on, concentrated as everyone waited, then finally convinced his sneeze had retreated, began his oath.

  ‘I Halbert Horatio Hoop, Baron of Hoop, do solemnly swear that I will give my life to the service of the Camera Stellata and abide under threat of death to the secrecy of the lawful decrees, and vow that not a single utterance of our institution’s existence will pass my lips outside of the sacred walls of this Star Chamber. I swear …. Atchoom! Atchoom! Atchoom!’ The earlier threatened sneezing attack snuck up on Hal without notice and interrupted his swearing.

  ‘Bless you,’ a kindly looking gentleman to his left said.

  ‘Please excuse me,’ Hal snuffled as he reached for his handkerchief that he had inconveniently forgotten to insert into his pocket when getting dressed earlier, so had to suffice with some extra heavy duty sniffing instead. Once sure he was over his attack, and had sniffed everything liquid safely back into place, he continued. ‘I swear I will serve to uphold the laws and statutes of the Camera Stellata and act with vigour to protect its rightful…. Atchoom! Its rightful existence.’

  It was about this point in his swearing that he wondered how safe he would be in Nimbin, and how effective hiding under an old VW microbus would be when a bunch of highly lethal Gurkha commandoes came looking for him. He thought he better leave that worrying for later and get on with his swearing again.

  ‘I swear to uphold the law and apply justice in a manner consistent with the values of the Camera Stellata and abide by all decisions legally taken by a constituted quorum of the Camera Stellata, so help me … Atchoom! So help me God.’

  Hal remained standing, as he really wasn’t sure if his part had finished. He was hoping he’d done enough for Minor-Morris to be reassured sufficiently to sign off on his inheritance and let him get on with his life and hopefully some surfing. Probably after some initial hiding in Nimbin if Bruce was still around to help.

  ‘I ask for your acceptance of the motion that Baron Halbert Horatio Hoop be accepted as a full member of our beloved Camera Stellata,’ Minor-Morris asked and was immediately greeted with a seemingly unanimous number of nodding heads and utterances of ‘yea, indeed and hear, hear.’

  ‘Dissentions?’ was met with silence.

  ‘Abstentions?’ was also met with silence.

  After a brief pause, Minor-Morris continued. ‘Baron Hoop, I welcome you to the Camera Stellata and wish you good luck and good fortune in your services. You may be seated. But carefully young man!’

  A round of spattered applause accompanied Hal’s slow, deliberate and careful descent to his chair. He accomplished it in fine style, and except for the escape of one last sneeze, it would have been perfect.

  ‘Lord Suttcliffe, if you please.’

  ‘Eh yes Mr President. The next item on our agenda is the situation in Afghanistan. Do I hear any submissions?’

  ‘Yes My Lord,’ a gentleman responded and Hal took note of his odd name from his name plate. Chuck V. McClusky III. Clearly not English he thought to himself, and with his obvious deep southern drawl, concluded he was American. ‘I believe it’s in our best interests to expand operations as significantly as possible, as there is a critical shortage of full scale wars at present. As we know, armament production is one of our most profitably lines, and it’s not much use making the damn things if we don’t have a place for ‘em to go bang. Until the more lucrative wars which are planned but not yet underway, I propose that we get everyone possible involved in this to keep production at full capacity.’

  ‘I understand sir, but is there any benefit to be gained from the country itself?’ a Lord from across the table asked.

  ‘Hardly worth a pinch of coyote dung if you ask me Lord Perricluse. But historically it’s always been a good place to have an interim war to keep everyone busy. And those Afghans seem to just love it. They’ve been doing it for centuries and always manage to keep things ticking along. Just so long as we keep sending them some pick-up trucks and weapons, they’ll keep going.’

  ‘Any further submissions?’ Suttcliffe asked and was met with shaking heads. ‘Then can I ask for your vote on Mr McClusky’s submission?’ he asked and hands immediately rose in agreement. Everett raising his hand and looking at Hal in a way that clearly meant Hal had to vote. He raised his hand too.

  ‘Sir Bradley, the motion is carried. Could you please inform all states currently not participating in Afghanistan to commence operations.’

  ‘Yes, noted,’ Bradley replied.

  *****

  It was nearing six-thirty and the meeting was still in progress. Hal was almost in a state of shock at the decisions that were being taken, and with such limited debate or disagreement. Two political assassinations ordered in Africa, a change of government in the Czech Republic and the order for value added taxes to be raised by all Western economies. Then there were a few minor issues discussed including the re-election of Bush in 2004 and how to leverage more returns from Italy by having a member of the Mafia returned to power. As Hal had no idea what was going on or how to come to a decision, he decided that the best course of action was to follow Everett’s lead. During a short break for tea at seven, Hal told Everett quietly how he was voting. Everett told him he had done the same for his first three years until he felt confident enough to participate. And even then, only in a limited way as most motions were only proposed by the five most senior members.

  ‘So have you ever put up a motion?’ Hal asked.

  ‘Oh yes. Once or twice for some villains who were getting away with things under some technicalities and rather soft judges.’

  ‘What? Like rough justice?’

  ‘Oh no Hal. Justice. They deserved it.’

  ‘I see,’ Hal replied thinking that it was about here he should shut up.

  ‘Looks like they’re ready again Hal.’

  ‘Yes,’ Hal replied but with less that one hundred percent enthusiasm.

  The meeting finally concluded at ten-thirty, and Hal was relieved to be told by Sandro as he left the Star Chamber and into the anteroom, that he was now free to leave the Vatican, and that a driver was waiting to take him to his hotel. He could leave for home, whether that be England, Australia or wherever, and that he would be advised of the date for the next meeting.

  After polite goodbyes, he climbed the four landings to collect his few things, then started his long climb to freedom. After scaling a few more landings at a good pace, he managed to get himself stuck behind Minor-Morris, Sir Bradley and Lord Suttcliffe; much older men than himself, so they were by necessity moving at a very slow pace indeed. He tried to stay a polite distance behind, but every now and then came up close behind them as they rested at every second or third landing. He could hear their mutterings between some elderly panting for breath. Mostly about the wretched climb, but also something about the inconvenience of having to leave tonight, Winkie Flyers, a very small bird native to the planet Mini-Squele. Then something that sounded like luxury class to cloth.

  ‘Must be an in joke,’ Hal thought to himself.

  As he climbed further, then had to sit waiting for the three old men in front to move, he heard more whispers that made no sense to him at all. The only mutterings he heard that made any sense was from Minor-Morris saying he was happy with Baron Hoop’s replacement and that he had signed off on it.

  Taxi!

  ‘Cappi! What a pleasant surprise.’

  ‘Ah, Mr Hala. Nicea to see youa tooa. Soa, to youra hotela?’

  ‘Eh yes, I suppose, but
can I ask you something Cappi?’

  ‘Surea Mr Hala.’

  ‘Do you know those three gentlemen getting into the limo in front of us?’

  ‘Oh yes Mr Hala. Very importanta mena. I thinka they are the Godfathers,’ Cappi laughed.

  ‘Where do they stay in Rome?’

  ‘I don’ta knowa. I never drivea them. Ia met the limo driver oncea. Not a very talkativea man. There’s a guard as wella. Ina the front witha the driver. Nastya looking man tooa.’

  ‘Mafia?’

  ‘Ina Italia, everyone witha black car and a bodyguard isa Mafia Mr Hala.’

  ‘Cappi, I’m curious to see where they go. They probably stay in a better hotel than me,’ Hal joked.

  ‘Youa wanta me toa followa?’

  ‘Can you do it discreetly? Just for a little way.’

  ‘Oha Mr Hala, I’m a specialista!’

  Hal was surprised that Cappi’s normal Formula One driving style was gone and replaced by someone driving like a preying cat. He kept the limo in sight, but held back, nimbly finding parking places when needed, and knowing his way so well, occasionally taking an alternate route to arrive in front of the limo and lead the way, then detouring again to take a position behind.

  ‘They’rea heading north Mr Hala. Not to central Roma.’

  ‘Can you keep following Cappi?’

  ‘Oh ofa coursea Mr Hala. This isa funa. Like a movie!’

  ‘Yes it is a bit, isn’t it,’ Hal smiled.

  Silence followed as they were now obviously leaving Rome and heading into the rural outskirts. As the road was dark, Cappi stayed back, and from time to time killed his headlights so as not to be noticed.

  ‘Where do you think they’re going?’ Hal asked.

  ‘Noa idea Mr Hala. No nicea hotels around a here.’

  A few more miles, and still they kept following as the limo headed further and further north from Rome. After nearly an hour, Cappi noticed the brake lights of the limo, and waited at a safe distance. It was turning left off the main road. Waiting until it was a safe distance, he drove slowly to the intersection. Both he and Cappi saw the sign. Aeroporto.