A Mother’s Sacrifice

by Gemma Metcalfe

  ‘Mrs Carter, isn’t it?’ The muffled question causes me to look up at the open theatre doors. Doctor Hughes yanks down his surgical mask, keeping one arm across the entrance to the theatre, obviously blocking me from entering again. ‘Do you mind telling me what the hell you’re playing at?’

  I stand up, all the fight evaporating from my shoulders, leaving me weak and dizzy. ‘The donor,’ I gulp, tears breaking up my words. ‘He’s going to kill me and take Cory. Nobody believes me. I had to see you. To find out who he is.’

  Doctor Hughes remains quiet, his eyes narrowed. I keep my eyes fixed upon him, silently pleading with him to take me seriously.

  ‘Should I call the police?’ The receptionist’s words break the spell.

  Doctor Hughes raises his finger, silencing her. ‘These are serious allegations, Mrs Carter. Explain to me why you think this.’

  ‘Louisa!’ James’s voice bounces off the walls of the corridor just as I am about to reply to the doctor. I swivel round, see him running towards me, the door to the corridor swinging frantically back and forth behind him. My eyes widen when I realise who he is with… Magda!

  ‘What’s the matter? What’s happened?’ he garbles as he reaches me, his eyes red-rimmed and swollen. ‘Mum called. She was really freaked out. Why are you here?’

  ‘How did you know I was here?’ My rebuff is quick, seemingly throwing him off-guard. ‘And why are you here?’ I look over at Magda, her face devoid of make-up, her hair lanky and wet.

  ‘Louisa… I…’ She trips over her words, her eyes flitting from me to James to Doctor Hughes.

  ‘When Mum called…’ James stops to rake his hand through his hair. ‘When Mum rang us, me and Dad got a taxi straight back home. She had just arrived with Cory and was sobbing. She said you’d mentioned going to find the sperm donor.’

  ‘But that doesn’t explain Magda.’ My brain battles to make sense of everything that is happening, my nerve cells misfiring and refusing to join up the dots which I know are there. I hear the rhythmic click of heels against the polished floor, realise that the receptionist is making her way back down the corridor, her footsteps quickening as she reaches the door. Is she going to ring the police?

  ‘When I told Dad about Cory’s donor he got really upset. Not about Cory but because I never told him,’ says James. ‘He started drinking and I joined him. He said he’d get a taxi home, leave the car and pick it up in the morning. I called Mags when I got home just to check you weren’t there and she offered to drive me here.’

  I narrow my eyes, hold his stare, not sure if I believe him. The silver house charm comes sharply into focus, souring my palate.

  ‘I’m so sorry about this.’ James slides his eyes over to Doctor Hughes who is still guarding the door to the theatre. ‘My wife has postnatal depression. She’s on tablets which may have caused her paranoia.’ He rubs at his eyes, fresh tears falling down his cheeks. ‘I don’t know what trouble she’s been causing but I beg you not to call the police.’

  ‘Mr Carter, I am in the middle of a very delicate procedure. I cannot tolerate your wife blustering into an area strictly off limits.’

  ‘But what about the sperm donor?’ I try again, my voice desperate.

  ‘Is this true?’ Doctor Hughes looks over my head towards James.

  I follow his gaze, my heart sinking when I catch James quickly shaking his head. ‘She’s become obsessed by it. Seeing things which aren’t there. We were waiting for the mental health team to show up; the doctor has put her on antidepressants.’

  ‘Where is the baby now?’ asks Doctor Hughes, his voice laced with concern.

  ‘With my mum and dad at home.’

  ‘I’ll stay home with Louisa tonight while James works,’ says Magda, giving James a conspicuous look. ‘Then tomorrow we’re going to get her the help she needs.’

  ‘That’s kind of you, Mags, but honestly, maybe I should ring up the hospital, see if they can cover me.’

  ‘It’s no problem really. I’ll sleep on the sofa.’

  Everybody is speaking to each other like I no longer exist. I glare over at Magda, my heart hammering against my chest. She is going to convince James to have me sectioned. The sperm donor, the cards… it was all a ploy to make me appear mental so she could muscle in on my family, take my husband and baby in one fell swoop. Shit! The illustration on the card, the one of the baby wrapped in a blue blanket. Magda was the only other person who knew we were having a boy. James hadn’t wanted to tell anyone but I couldn’t resist telling Magda.

  ‘There’s no way Magda is staying tonight,’ I say to James, trying to convey with my eyes what I have suddenly figured out. ‘I don’t trust her.’

  ‘Louisa!’ Magda’s eyes fill with tears.

  ‘Take her home,’ says Doctor Hughes, taking a step back into the operating theatre. ‘I won’t call the police. But I do have a duty to log this. I’ll make a few calls after I’ve finished up here, make sure somebody arrives tonight or first thing in the morning to assess her.’ He glances over at me, pity etched on his face. ‘She needs help.’

  ‘Just tell me one thing and then I’ll go,’ I say, as he turns to leave.

  ‘No, Louisa, you’ve wasted enough of this man’s time.’ James begins to pull on my sleeve.

  ‘Do SureLife send out congratulatory cards?’ I ask, knowing in my heart that they don’t.

  ‘Pardon?’ Doctor Hughes frowns, his eyebrows knitting together.

  ‘A congratulatory card, when a baby is born,’ I shout, as James drags me down the corridor, his nails digging into my arm.

  Doctor Hughes shakes his head. But James isn’t looking.

  It’s almost as if he doesn’t want to see!

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Louisa

  Then

  I’m going to be a mother!

  I can’t quite believe it but I’ve read the instructions four times and two lines definitely means I’m pregnant.

  It is now April and me and Aiden are in a proper relationship, like the couples in Hollyoaks. He sneaks into my room two or three times a week and it doesn’t even hurt any more. We have to be really careful because, like Aiden says, nobody else would understand the love we have for each other, not the other kids and definitely not the staff. He says he is really proud of me for keeping our relationship to myself, that I am a proper grown-up. Last month I asked him to run away with me so we could be together properly but he said it was too risky because I am still only fourteen. But now I am carrying his baby he’ll have to see sense, won’t he?

  I still haven’t started my periods, so I can’t really understand how I am pregnant. I only took the test because I was being sick every single morning and I remember how Sandy used to spend the first hour of her shift with her head down the toilet bowl in the first few months of her being pregnant. I stole the test from Superdrug yesterday morning. At first I was a bit scared but then I realised it’s my ticket out of this dump. Plus, I can’t wait to have a little baby to care for. To have somebody who relies on me and who loves me no matter what. I’m going to be the best mum ever!

  Last night, after taking the test, I spoke to Stacey about baby names. Obviously I didn’t tell her why, even though I was dying to. I’d love to see that smug grin wiped off her face. She still flirts with Aiden, you know. Sometimes I think he flirts back but he says he’s just being polite and that she’s nothing but a silly child. Stacey said she liked Sabrina for a girl and Brooklyn for a boy, but obviously she’s just copying off Posh Spice.

  It’s now really late and although Aiden is on the overnight shift, he hasn’t come to see me yet. Sometimes he does that which really pisses me off. I read in Seventeen magazine that some boys play the ‘treat them mean and keep them keen’ game so I suppose he’s just doing that, but he’s a man not a boy so he should know better. I want to tell him he doesn’t have to play games with me because I love him so much, but I always lose my nerve when I’m around him.

  My belly is definit
ely bloated but I’m unsure how pregnant I am. I have really horrible blue veins across my chest even though I still don’t have any boobs to speak of.

  Feeling annoyed that it is now midnight and Aiden still hasn’t come to see me, I get out of bed and wander into the corridor. All the lights are off but I don’t want to switch them on and wake the others. The room the staff use is at the end of the corridor. I tiptoe over to it, placing my ear against the door to see if I can hear his television.

  It is silent.

  I tap three times on the door and wait. The landing is freezing and my bare feet feel like icicles. When nobody answers, irritation claws at my insides and I swear I feel the baby kick me.

  After another five minutes of gentle tapping I figure that Aiden must already be asleep. I am annoyed because I really wanted to tell him about the baby and start making plans for our future. I suppose it would be all right for him to continue working while I stay home, and I suppose if tonight is anything to go by it will be me who is responsible for the night feeds. I know I’m not a great cook but I can do beans on toast and scrambled egg, and the rest I am willing to learn.

  As I walk past Stacey’s door on the way to my own room I hear her whispering, probably to her friends on her mobile phone, which the staff don’t realise she has. As a rule we are not allowed to go into each other’s rooms without knocking first but Stacey always barges into mine unannounced so I suppose it’s okay. I am wide awake and I need to talk to somebody, even though I would never tell her the truth.

  I pull down the handle and open her door, my eyes adjusting to the soft glow from her television.

  At first I don’t understand what is happening. Why is that man lying on top of her? Why is he looking at me with fear in his eyes?

  It’s then I realise who he is… and Stacey’s smug grin finally slips off her face.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Louisa

  Now

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me? How could you do this to me?’ Tamzin rounds on James the second we walk through the door, thick black mascara snaking down her cheeks. ‘Dad has told me everything!’ She looks back at Doug who is hovering in the kitchen doorway, Cory nestled in his arms.

  ‘Go home. I can’t deal with you now. I have work in a few hours.’ James barges past her, shoving her up against the wall.

  ‘How dare you!’ she screams, dramatically throwing herself down on her knees as if she has fallen. ‘Show me some respect!’

  Sidestepping her, I take off my coat and hang it up. I feel strangely detached from the chaos that surrounds me. Since the revelations at the clinic, my mind has disconnected from reality, all the inner fear dispersed into a cloud of disbelief. To think, this whole time I have fretted, terrified myself to the point of madness, believing that Cory’s biological father had come to claim him, and all the time Magda was behind it all, colluding and conspiring against me, intent on sailing off into the sunset with my child and husband while I withered away in a mental institution. But how can I prove it? A thought begins to loop itself around my mind but doesn’t quite knit together. Something is off about James’s story, his reasoning for being at the hospital with Magda. He’s covering for her. But why? Time is running out for me. If Doctor Hughes has phoned the mental health team like he threatened, they could arrive at any moment.

  Magda places her hand on my shoulder, her fingertips burning my skin through the thin nylon of my T-shirt. I can’t believe I trusted her, allowed her into my life, felt sorry for her! ‘We’ll sort this, honey, don’t worry.’ Her words are life a knife twisting in my gut. I swallow down the anger inside of me, knowing that if I’m going to expose her, I have to keep a level head. ‘Are you all right, Tamzin?’ she asks.

  ‘Piss off, you hippy!’

  ‘Tamzin, please! Give us a moment, Mags,’ I manage to say, Tamzin’s words forcing a smile onto my face despite the situation I’m in. ‘Why don’t you go and put the kettle on?’

  She doesn’t need asking twice, clearly glad of an excuse to leave me out in the cold while she runs to her precious James. I have to warn him what she’s doing, how she’s manipulating the situation. Surely he can see what she’s doing? Or am I too late? Does James already love her? It is like reliving the past all over again.

  The front door is still open, the night air already smudging the sky despite it being only 4 p.m. I look over at Tamzin who is still sobbing on her knees, the hallway wall her only support. She looks frail for the first time since I have known her, and, despite the way she has treated me, my heart goes out to her. She must be confused, everything she thought she knew a lie. Of course I know what that feels like. I place my hand on her bony shoulder, root around in my head for the right words. ‘I wanted to tell you,’ I say, tears springing into my eyes. ‘But James wouldn’t let me. I’m so sorry, Tamzin.’

  ‘Why couldn’t he confide in me?’ She turns to face me, her face wet with tears. ‘Am I really that unapproachable?’

  ‘Of course not,’ I lie, wondering, not for the first time, if she really does live on an alternate planet. ‘You’re a good mum… and I hope you’ll still be Cory’s grandma?’

  ‘Of course,’ she replies. ‘I love him. I love you all.’

  A lump wedges itself into my throat. I hold out my hand to her, which she takes. Perhaps I’ve got Tamzin all wrong. Perhaps she can help me. ‘Look, Tamzin,’ I try as I hoist her up, knowing she is my only hope against Magda. ‘I think Magda is intent on having me sectioned so she can seduce James and become Cory’s mother. You need to stay with me tonight because…’

  ‘What on earth are you talking about?’ She pulls her hand away from mine. ‘My God, you really have lost it!’

  ‘No, please…’ I take a step towards her, reach out to grab hold of her, but she physically recoils from me.’ Please, Tamzin. You have to…’

  ‘James!’ she screams, as if I am about to murder her. ‘Help me!’

  Hearing James’s heavy footsteps behind me, I turn to face him, allowing Tamzin time to dart past me into his open arms. ‘She needs help,’ I hear her say between muffled sobs. ‘She’s fully loopy.’

  James pulls her into the kitchen and slams the door, leaving me by myself in the hallway. I reach up and yank at my hair, pulling out two fistfuls, my scalp burning with pain.

  ‘Louisa?’ A voice, coming from behind, makes me jump. I turn round to find Annette standing in the open doorway, a wrapped present clutched between her hands. How long has she been there?

  ‘What’s the matter?’ she says ‘Why is your hair falling out?’

  ‘Why are you here?’ I ask, ignoring both of her questions.

  ‘We totally forgot to bring Cory’s present round yesterday.’ Her eyes look past me, as if searching for backup. ‘But I can come back if it’s a bad time.’

  ‘Hi, Annette.’ The kitchen door swings open and James’s voice travels down the hallway. ‘I think that might be for the best. Louisa really isn’t well at the moment.’

  ‘Oh dear.’ She flicks her gaze over at me but continues to speak to James. ‘I guess postnatal depression does make people crazy. Hopefully I won’t get it.’

  ‘I am here, you know!’ I shout, my head twisting from Annette to James and back again. ‘But don’t worry, Annette. My wonderful husband and best friend are intent on sectioning me in the morning so you can rest easy.’

  ‘What! Why?’ She steps into the hallway uninvited, placing the present down on the small table underneath the coat rack.

  ‘She made a scene at the hospital,’ says James, edging closer to Magda who has appeared to the side of him. ‘We just want the best for you, Lou. You need help. Is this true, that you’re now accusing Magda of wanting to steal Cory?’ A tight laugh escapes his mouth but it’s clear he doesn’t find it at all amusing.

  ‘Yes, no… I don’t know.’ My thoughts are stuck in a web of half-truths, but try as I might I can’t seem to piece everything together.

  ‘God, Louisa!’ James throws his
arms up in the air. ‘First the donor, now this.’

  ‘But somebody really does want to take Cory,’ I plead, my protests bouncing off their stunned expressions. I know I should stop talking, that all I am doing is making things worse for myself, and yet I have to make them believe me. ‘When Tamzin left with Cory, somebody rang me. It was a Bible quote again, about death. Somebody wants to kill me.’

  ‘Who?’ asks Annette, shutting the door behind her. ‘A man, woman?’

  ‘A computer,’ I say, knowing how ridiculous it sounds even to my own ears.

  ‘Look, Lou…’ James walks over to me, tears in his eyes. ‘I’ve just rung the department to try and get compassionate leave but it’s a bit last-minute. I have to go into work but they’re going to ring round and try and arrange cover.’ He places his arm around me as if I am a small child. ‘Until then Magda has kindly offered to stay with you. Mum had offered but she’s had a funny turn, said it’s the menopause, but I think she just needs time to digest all of this. But Magda will stay and sleep in the spare room. She’ll look after Cory so you can get some rest.’

  ‘No!’ I glare at Magda, the fury inside of me ready to erupt. ‘I don’t want her anywhere near my child. I don’t need a fucking babysitter and I don’t trust her!’

  A choir of gasps perforates the air. ‘Louisa, please.’ James’s voice is hard. ‘You’re not helping yourself.’

  ‘How about I stay instead?’ offers Annette, to which I readily agree. Maybe Annette can help me? Maybe I can make her believe me?

  ‘Oh really, Lou!’ James’s voice is mocking. ‘Because it was only yesterday you thought Annette was making up her pregnancy. I suppose you thought that was a ploy for her to kidnap Cory as well, didn’t you?’

  ‘Bloody hell,’ says Doug, his face beetroot-red. ‘I think I need another drink.’

  ‘That’s it,’ I say, my mind finally able to piece together what has been bugging me since James mentioned having a drink with Doug. ‘You said Magda had to come with you to the clinic because you’d been drinking. But no way would you drink if you had to go to work.’