Space Hoppers - Dance of the Guinea Pigs

by Jayne Bartholomew

  Sarah looked out of the window curiously; she felt the bus lifting slightly and then move gently forward. The huge doors opened and they glided out into the darkness. She tried to see if any of the constellations looked familiar but they were moving so quickly it was hard to tell. Her attention was drawn to the planet they were about to land on, which looked so much like Earth that she almost felt homesick for the first time since being picked up. There were blue and green patterns like islands, but many more than on her home planet. As they neared the surface she could feel the bus accelerating while passing through the atmosphere. Mountain ranges and forests could be seen from the windows and soon they were visible in more detail until finally the bus came to a clearing and settled.

  A long cylinder rose from the bonnet and rotated to check the air quality. The crew waited patiently for a few minutes until a green light flashed on the front panel and Xander gave the order to disembark.

  The planet surface was lush and verdant. All around them grew tall trees, whose branches were home to long hanging plants, ferns hugged the sides of rocks and a thick carpet of moss and grass was springy underneath the landing crew’s feet. It looked very much how Sarah imagined Earth would be without humans and with rain that contained plant food. High above, a small sun shone out over the planet.

  While Sarah was sight-seeing the landing crew had galvanised into action. Each member had a large pack strapped to their body and the crew were looking at various handheld measuring devices.

  Monty wandered off to check out his new environment. Unusual smells were making him nervous so he sniffed a likely looking tree and cocked his leg. He felt a small sting on his rump and turning around saw the undergrowth move. Growling he nibbled the sore bit, spitting something hard out in the process and moved back to Sarah to lean on her. “Good boy,” she muttered, absently scratching his neck, “isn’t it beautiful here?” Monty looked around for more fern movement.

  “OK, crew. The readouts say that there are large mineral deposits over to our right,” Xander gestured towards a rocky area, “so let’s all go and check them out. Martyn, you stay with the bus and sound the horn in an emergency. Garet and Lingor, you bring the picks; Sarah you, keep your eyes out for life-forms – according to the equipment there’s a large band of heat beneath us which could encourage insect growth. Monty, while I appreciate your concern for your companion please don’t attack anything until I signal that we are in an at risk situation. Right, let’s go.” Monty eyed a suspicious looking clump of grass; if he concentrated he was sure he could see the blades sway.

  The walk to the rocks was not easy; they had to go slowly as the ground was uneven and had small indentations. When they eventually arrived the crew could see that they had actually landed on a mountain. The rock cut away to reveal a sharp, sheer drop down to another green forested area. In the far distance they could see a vast expanse of water.

  Sarah stopped, her legs aching from the exercise. Taking her rucksack off, she leaned her back gratefully against one of the larger rocks. Carefully lifting out the cube and putting it safely to one side, she started rummaging around for Monty’s treat box. She figured they could both do with a nibble after the distance they’d walked. Monty sat rigid next to her and sniffed the air. He growled softly.

  “You really aren’t in a good mood today, are you, boy? Never mind, look what I’ve got for you.” Sarah pulled out a carrot and showed it to him. He didn’t notice but looked over her shoulder in the direction they’d just come from. “Don’t want a carrot? OK, I bet you won’t turn your nose up at a piece of apple – ta-daa!” She waved the fruit triumphantly under his nose. He moved his head away without breaking off his gaze, hackles raised once more. Sarah got up and went to find Xander who was peering at a rock and having a deep discussion with Garet.

  “Um, Xander? Monty’s not very happy.”

  “I’ll be with you in a minute.” Xander carried on staring at the rock without looking up.

  Sarah persisted. “This could be important.” Monty had adopted his rabbit-chasing pose with his head low to the ground.

  “Uh huh, two seconds.” Xander took out a pick and tried to get a sample.

  Sarah thought she could hear rustling.

  “Garet, could I have your attention for two minutes, please?” Monty started to pace backwards towards the group. “Garet?”

  “Bit busy, give him a biscuit or something,” Garet said, prodding the earth around the base of a large rock. “Does this look like it’s vibrating?”

  Sarah could definitely hear rustling and some kind of high-pitched squeak. Monty took her sleeve in his mouth and pulled gently.

  “Lingor? Do you notice anything odd?”

  “You keep your monster away from me. If you want to do something useful come and check for minerals.” He dusted some debris away from a boulder.

  “Good idea. Sarah, grab a pick and come and help me.” Xander smiled at her briefly.

  “But I can hear a swishing sound.”

  “Yeah, probably just the wind.” Garet hooked a tentacle around a plant and delicately plucked a leaf off.

  “What wind?”

  Xander, Garet and Lingor stopped what they were doing and of one accord straightened up. They exchanged a look. “You know, now you come to mention it, I can hear a squeaking.” Xander reached for a small grey piece of equipment. “There’s still that band of heat beneath us, but it’s so big we would have seen the signs if it was alive.” He frowned and took out his cube. “Has anyone used this yet?” The others shook their heads. He pressed the top. The square beeped indicating life forms inconsistent with the landing crew. “Damn.”

  They looked towards the direction of the new sound. A rhythmic squeaking was now clearly audible. Behind them was an outcrop of rocks that could not be climbed over without equipment. To their left was the cliff edge. They were trapped.

  “Give me time and I will work out if it’s a language or a machine,” Lingor said. He sat on a rock and closed his eyes.

  Garet started to pull out weapons from his pack. He gave Sarah a small black stick with ridges on, with the instruction to press the largest nodule to fire on Xander’s command if necessary. Then he went over to Xander and stood by him while they waited.

  From over one of the hills hundreds of small shapes surged. To start with it looked like a multi-coloured wave, until they realised that the creatures were moving in perfectly organised squares. Company upon company marched over the small hill, each square formation led on by one squeak. It was an army.

  Sarah picked up some binoculars that had been left on a rock. “You know, they look kind of familiar.”

  Each soldier marched close to the ground on four legs, nose and ears twitching. They kept their small black eyes forward, blinking in the sunlight. The companies stopped in front of the landing party. There were five of them. Each square was unmoving. Keeping their black eyes firmly on the crew, they stood in silence.

  “What are they?” whispered Garet. “I’ve never seen anything like it. They look…”

  “They look like guinea pigs,” finished Sarah. “We’re being watched by an army of guinea pigs. Aren’t they cute?”

  “Are they friendly?” Xander was watching them speculatively.

  “They’re usually very stupid. If you stroke their nose they’ll be your friend for life.” Sarah moved forward towards them. She sank down on her knees before one group and slowly extended her hand; very gently she offered a finger for nose stroking. She could feel their gaze on her, could feel the combined heat of their bodies. What she didn’t feel was radiated stupidity. In fact, she was beginning to wonder whether this was such a good idea.

  The guinea pigs started a low chatter. She inched away.

  “Sarah?” Xander’s deep voice was compelling. She shuffled backwards a little quicker until his arms pulled her behind a boulder. Lingor hadn’t moved from his seated position a short way off. His considerable expanse of forehead was creased with concentration a
nd beads of perspiration were forming. “I’ve almost got it,” he muttered, “a few more squeaks and I’ll have it nailed.”

  The chattering grew louder.

  “Lingor, why don’t you come back here and study the language? I don’t know what they’re saying but they don’t look very happy.” Garet edged forward to try and reach out to him.

  The chattering stopped. The silence was unnerving.

  From the company on the left a single squeak was heard. In perfect unison, one hundred guinea pigs turned to face Lingor. Garet withdrew his tentacle. A squeak from the company next to it and again one hundred small bodies turned. This was repeated until all five hundred furry soldiers were facing Lingor.

  “I’ve got it.” Lingor stood up suddenly and jumped up and down with excitement. “Another language cracked! Just wait until we get back to the ship, I can’t wait to do an analysis on this!”

  Squeak. Five hundred guinea pigs stood to attention on their hind legs.

  “I know what they’re saying. I know what they’re saying!” Lingor did a little victory dance.

  Squeak. Five hundred guinea pigs reached into their fur and took out small blowpipes.

  Xander looked on, concerned. “Uh, Lingor, would you like to share that information with us?”

  Squeak. Five hundred guinea pigs fiddled with the weapons.

  Lingor concentrated. “The first squeak was ‘present arms’, the second was ‘make ready’…”

  Squeak.

  “Wait! Wait! I know that one. That one was ‘aim’.” Lingor radiated happiness. “Isn’t this great? We can communicate!”

  Squeak.

  Lingor was a pin cushion.

  Chaos followed. Before Lingor’s body had even hit the ground the crew were firing at the furry forms. Xander pushed Sarah behind him and shouted at her to keep down. Monty dashed out from behind the boulder to attack, only to find a blanket of darts flying in his direction and he was forced to retreat, yelping. The crew gave up aiming when they discovered that every time they put their hand over the top it would come back bristling with silver darts.

  The guinea pigs each took a mouthful of Lingor’s clothing and started to pull him over the hill.

  The crew looked at each other helplessly. Lingor was too close to the targets to launch a cube over and as Xander didn’t know what the poison in the darts was he didn’t want to risk everyone getting even more “pinned”. They could hear Lingor as he was being dragged. He appeared to be giggling.

  “Do you think this counts as an ‘at risk situation’, Leader-One?” Garet asked, waving his tentacles around in a panic. “What are we going to do? They’re taking him away!”

  Xander stared out at Lingor. “Well, I think we’ve discovered why the original inhabitants chose to live in trees. Sarah, you recognise them, any ideas? You appear to be the only one who has any knowledge of these things.”

  “Oh good, no pressure then.” Sarah was plucking darts out of Monty’s nose. “They’re not usually intelligent,” she said, “As long as they’re fed they’re happy; they’re not supposed to want to eat Lingor. I thought they were pretty much vegetarian.” She stared into space for a moment and then started to hunt around in her rucksack. She pulled out Monty’s treat box.

  “I really don’t think this is the time for a snack. Do you?” Xander said, glaring at her. “I have a crew member out there who’s in trouble; this is the time for action – not snacks!”

  Garet peered over hopefully. “Got any pretzels?”

  “Pretzels? What about Lingor?!” shouted Xander.

  “He can get his later, he’s a bit tied up at the moment.” He flopped onto the ground giggling.

  Monty sat down too. He was vaguely aware that he couldn’t feel his bottom and his head was feeling woozy, but not in a bad way. Legs splayed out by his side he let his tongue hang out. All in all he felt pretty relaxed. His lips drew back in a canine smile.

  “I don’t un’erstand you at all. What happened to ship loyalty? To sticking together?” Xander, his back against a boulder, started to slide down. “All you can think about is pretzels. Nuts I could un’erstand, or maybe those little canapé thingies with the whatsits on them. But pretzels? Where are your loyalties?” He hiccupped.

  Sarah looked down at the others. “I think the poison may be affecting you. I’m going to try something and if it works I’ll shout ‘go’, then we’re all going to run like hell, grab Lingor and head back to the bus. OK?” Garet and Xander looked blankly at her. “There are munchies on the ship? Right, so I shout and we go.” She picked up the first bit of carrot and lobbed it over the boulder, ducking back quickly.

  There was a slight plop as it hit the ground followed by a prolonged eerie silence. They could hear a quiet chirruping with a few louder squeaks. She threw another piece a little further away. The squeaks got louder and angrier. She risked a look.

  Whereas before there had been order, now there was pandemonium. The squares had been transformed into two mounds of guinea pigs trying to climb on top of each other and force the others out of the way to get at the carrot. She threw another piece further still and watched as Lingor was abandoned and another multi-coloured mound formed.

  “GO!” The crew staggered out from their place of safety and lumbered towards Lingor. Xander and Garet took an ankle each and ran over the hill. Monty followed unsteadily after them and Sarah brought up the rear lobbing apple and carrot slices in their wake. Lingor’s head bounced up and down on the grass.

  As the shuttle bus came into view Sarah could see that it was completely surrounded by silent guinea pigs.

  Xander and Garet appeared not to notice. Dragging Lingor, they didn’t stop and ran heedlessly over the little soldiers. The bus door opened and they fell in. Lingor’s head bounced up the steps after them and the bus door closed. By the time the guinea pigs realised what had happened, those that weren’t concussed were in a really, really bad mood. They faced Sarah and Monty.

  Squeak. Five hundred guinea pigs stood to attention.

  Sarah threw a carrot into their midst and watched, horrified, as it was ignored.

  Squeak. Five hundred guinea pigs reached into their fur and took out small blowpipes.

  Monty huddled up to Sarah and nuzzled her.

  Squeak. Five hundred guinea pigs fiddled with their weapons.

  The engines of the shuttle bus started up and a blast of heat came from the turbines underneath as the bus lifted to hover over the ground. Sarah covered her eyes with her hands and turned away quickly, feeling the hairs on her arm singe. There was a strong smell of roast pork. The engine was turned off and the door opened.

  Xander called out, “Are you coming? We’re going for a kebab. Hurry up!” She gingerly picked her way over the charred bodies and took Xander’s outstretched hand to clamber aboard, then got out again and, groaning with effort, picked Monty up and carried him into the bus. The big dog appeared to be eating something.

  “That had better not be what I think it is, Monty. You didn’t, did you?” Sarah reached across to open his mouth. The big dog swallowed loudly then affectionately pushed his wet nose and rather greasy mouth into her hand. He burped contentedly. She turned to Martyn who was facing forwards driving. “When did the guinea pigs find you and how did you manage to escape?”

  “I jus’ came into the, um, bus when I saw that they weren’t friendly. No problemo.” He spun his chair to look at her, smiling, and she realised that his face was covered in needles. “Um, got any pretzels?”

  The shuttle bus jerked up and headed, erratically, back to the ship. When, on the fourth attempt the bus actually made it into the landing bay Med-crew were on hand with stretchers.

  “OK everyone, let’s get the munchies!” Garet yanked open the door of the bus and fell flat on his face. Monty lay snoring in a corner.

  Med-crew rushed forward and helped the four crew members onto stretchers where they lay singing, badly. Monty bared his teeth and refused to go with them and as they
moved to Sarah she waved them away.

  “It’s all right, I wasn’t hurt, they didn’t even touch me; I was on the bus the whole time.” She moved quickly out of the landing bay, with Monty wobbling after her, wishing that doctors didn’t make her feel quite so nervous.

  As the outer door to the landing bay closed and the crew left, what appeared to be a very small asteroid detached itself from the back of the bus, hovered to an area in the corner of the room and dropped noiselessly to the floor where it split open. A guinea pig crept stealthily out of the small craft. Unlike the ones on the planet this one wore a leather jacket with lots of zips, had an eye patch over the left eye, with a jagged scar running from the top of its head to its twitching nose. It stood on hind legs and surveyed the area before reaching into a pocket for a cigar, which he jabbed into the corner of his mouth. He struck a match on the side of the asteroid, lit the cigar then casually threw the match away before reaching back into the craft for his weapon, which he swung over his back. His eyes narrowed as he watched other guinea pigs march off.

  This time it was personal.

  Safely back in her pod Sarah lazed on her bed and, as she relaxed, her thoughts turned back to Earth. She decided that, evil marauding guinea pigs aside, she was leaning towards not going back. Apart from bruising and some dirt under her fingernails that no amount of scrubbing would remove, she felt that whatever Kaor might have to offer it had to be more interesting than Sunday afternoons in front of the TV, squabbling with housemates over who had finished off the milk and whose turn it was to clean the bathroom. Maybe the Kaors could offer her training leading to a permanent position on the ship? Definitely worth asking about, she thought.