by DC Renee
CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX
Past
Cameron
Eight hours earlier …
SHE LOVED ME. She didn’t say it with words, but she said it with so much more. I’d never truly been loved before. You could argue my parents had loved me before my dad passed away, but I was too young to remember that love. You could say my mom had loved me in her own way, but it clearly hadn’t been enough. Or maybe it was, but only when it was already too late.
But Gen? She loved me … She loved me enough. She gave me herself completely and wholly, and I couldn’t believe it.
I had alluded to there being more than she’d ever know, and she still took me as I was. I knew she’d never love every piece of me—some pieces she could never know about. If she did, she’d probably leave me broken and shattered. But until then, I’d do anything to prevent her from knowing. I knew I had to live as if that fateful day would one day come, but until then, I’d cherish every moment with Gen.
I wasn’t a man worthy of the gift she’d given me, of the faith and trust and love she poured into me with her body. But I was clearly a selfish man, a man starving for exactly those things because I took everything she offered. And if you think I did it gloating, you’d be wrong. I took her knowing I was given a taste of heaven, to float high above the clouds with angels—or rather an angel, and I’d never take that for granted. I’d never take her for granted.
She was so beautiful, so remarkable. I couldn’t even describe what made Gen so extraordinary. It wasn’t just her body, her looks, or everything on the outside. She saw the good where there was no good to be had; she saw me when I didn’t see myself. She gave me something more to live for. And I hadn’t even realized I was just existing until I met her.
And now? Dear God, now I didn’t just want to live. I wanted to soar; I wanted to be granted passage into paradise when I left this world because I wanted to spend eternity with Gen, and I knew wholeheartedly that she would be a true angel after death claimed her.
I took my time with her, showing her with my body and telling her with my words just how special she was and just how special that moment was.
I’d been with too many women to count, too many faces, too many tangled limbs, and had done so many things that most people only imagined. I had been the star for so long, women threw themselves at me, promising me fantasies and more. They’d delivered, yet not once, not even a tiny fraction of any of them came remotely close to the feeling of being with Gen. She was a high like no other. I couldn’t even remember anyone before her because my life was simply a blur.
And she deserved to understand the enormity of that. I tried to show her; I tried to make her feel exceptional. And I hoped to God I succeeded.
When we were both spent, and I had collapsed beside her, our breathing in perfect harmony, I looked at her and was struck stupid. Her eyes were closed, and she had a small content smile on her lips. I’d done that. I’d given her that. So I looked up toward the heavens, toward where I imagined my mother and father were, and mouthed, “Thank you.” Thank you for sending me an angel. Because I knew that was what Gen truly was.
CHAPTER SIXTY-SEVEN
Present
Genevieve
AFTER CAM AND I had made love, he drew me a bath and took his time washing me. I felt like a treasured doll being looked after by a child with no other toys. I knew in my heart I’d done the right thing—letting go of the past. I should have listened to Amanda sooner, I thought to myself as he gently moved the washcloth over my body.
“Stay the night?” Cam asked shyly.
“Feed me first, and I’ll stay,” I teased.
He threw on a pair of boxers and headed downstairs as I rifled through his things for a pair of boxers and a t-shirt to sleep in. A few minutes later, he appeared with lasagna and garlic bread.
It hadn’t been exactly like my mom’s, but to his credit, it was pretty darn good. We ate in happy silence before climbing into bed.
“Thank you,” he told me, and I drifted off to sleep with a smile on my face.
I woke up to light kisses along my shoulder. “Wake up, sleepyhead,” Cam said gently. “It’s your birthday today, and you have a full day.” I turned toward him, staring at his beautiful face with a smile so wide it practically split his face in two. My emotions were all over the place. I felt so open as if he could simply read me like a book, see everything about me—my secrets, my fears, even my happy moments. I felt his love radiating off him like a furnace warming my skin. My own feelings escaped me like rays of sunshine, bathing the room in their light. It was too much, too overwhelming, too everything. But as I looked into Cam’s eyes, I knew it would be okay because this was Cam. No longer Tyler—no longer the man I hated and feared. Cam would die before hurting me. So I wasn’t scared of it all.
“Happy birthday,” he said, still looking down at me. “I love you, Gen,” he added before leaning down and planting a soft kiss on my lips. My eyes were still closed as he pulled away. “You have a lot to do today, so stop being a lazy piece of shit loser and get the fuck up you bitch.”
My eyes snapped open. Gone was the loving man Cam had grown to be. Gone was the chiseled face speckled with day-old facial hair. Gone were the kind eyes and warm smile. In his place was the boy from my past. The angry, bitter, hateful, gangly Tyler with eyes so cold, so distant, you could feel their icy chill. His lips were curled down in disgust as his eyes roamed my body.
“Tyler.” I gasped.
“That’s right, bitch. I’m back,” he sneered.
“No,” I screamed as I tried to scramble off the bed.
“You can’t ever get away from me.” He laughed as I got tangled in the sheets. “You’re just some ugly loser always getting in my way. You think you had me?”
“No, this isn’t happening. You’re not Tyler. Tyler is long gone.”
“You thought you could play me for a fool? Look who’s the fool now.”
“Please, please, leave me alone. I’ll go. Please, just let me go,” I cried out as his body managed to block my every attempt to escape. He was everywhere all at once. I couldn’t leave. I was trapped against the bed frame as he laughed at me.
“Tyler, please, please, just let me go. I can’t … I can’t do this again.”
“Gen,” I heard him say, but his lips didn’t move.
“I’m sorry I tried to play you. Please, Tyler, just let me go.”
“Gen,” he repeated. “Gen, wake up. Please, babe, wake up.”
My eyes fluttered open, and I found myself cradled in Cam’s arms. We were still in his room. The sun just barely breaking the horizon left his room still mostly bathed in darkness.
“Gen, shh, it’s okay. It was just a dream,” he said as he held me close.
“It wasn’t just a dream,” I said softly, still trying to process my nightmare.
“Who’s Tyler?” he asked as I pulled away. I could hear the panic in his voice, but I heard accusation there too. Accusation? At me? How dare he!
“Who’s Tyler?” I repeated his question, my voice rising slightly.
“You kept calling out to him,” he said, his voice hesitant, worried. He was biting his lip nervously, but I didn’t see the fear in his eyes, the anxiousness in his tone. I only saw Tyler.
“Are you seriously accusing me of something here?” I asked in a haughty tone. “Are you of all people trying to insinuate something, Tyler Haywood?” I asked loudly.
If emotions could be physical, Cameron would be the epitome of absolute shock at that moment.
“What? You don’t remember me?” I taunted. But it was more than just a cutting remark. It was my own accusation. It was bitter and laced with an agony he couldn’t possibly understand because it was painfully obvious he didn’t know who the hell I was—even now … even after everything, he had no recollection. In some ways, he’d killed me, and he didn’t even know me.
“Gen,” he croaked a moment later and reached for me.
“No,”
I yelled, and with both hands, I pushed at his chest, pushing him away from me with all the strength I had. He tumbled toward the edge of the bed, catching himself before falling off by finding his footing right next to it.
“You don’t get to call me Gen,” I said as I moved closer to him. “Gen was reserved for who I used to be. For the girl you ruined,” I cried out, the truth of the words slamming into me. I pushed him with my hand, shoving him back, wanting to cause him even a fraction of the harm he’d caused me. He didn’t say a word, just watched me with both confusion and sorrow clouding his features. His body moved easily back as I climbed off the bed to stand in front of him.
I pulled my hair up with one hand as tears fell from my eyes at the painful memories threatening to pull me under once again. “I always wore my hair up,” I told him. “I looked different then. Take a good look, Tyler. Take a good, long look at me. Still don’t remember?” I asked, not expecting an answer, the sting of that slicing through me. “Imagine me with glasses, with braces, add in some pimples and some pounds, and you’ve got the girl you used to know. Do you remember now, Tyler?” I used his name like a curse, and every time I did, I saw him flinch just a little. Good, I thought. You are a curse. “You bullied me, you monster,” I screamed as I shoved at him. He let me push him, he let me yell at him, and he didn’t retaliate—not physically, not with words, and not even with feelings. He took everything I gave him like he couldn’t believe the situation unfolding before his very eyes.
“You had me fooled,” I told him. “Stupid, silly me. My knight in shining armor come to rescue me from the big, bad guys of this world, not even realizing you were the one I needed saving from. You had me for a little while. I didn’t even know it was you at first. Then you did your little good luck ritual, and I knew it was you, Tyler. You had me, though; you had me good because, as Cameron, you’d gotten under my skin. You’d caught me in your web once again. What did I ever do to you?” I screamed, wanting desperately to understand why he’d tortured me for so long and for what. “What, Tyler, did I ever do to deserve the torment you dished out to me? What did I do to anger you so much? To feel your wrath? To be the one you hated so much? Why?” I asked as I shoved him again. “Why did you hate me so fucking much?” I asked again. “You didn’t just bully me, you destroyed me,” I told him after a moment, my breathing heavy from the weight of my own words.
I was on a roll, and he let me continue. I didn’t know if it was the lack of words, lack of caring, letting me get everything off my chest, or simply him processing everything, but I needed this moment. I needed to spill everything I’d been feeling, everything I could never tell him. I hadn’t gotten my complete closure in therapy or even after. Finally, finally, Tyler was doing something right. He was letting me find some semblance of peace—however tiny it was.
“I didn’t know what to do with you when I realized who you were,” I admitted. “I didn’t understand why I was being put in that position yet again. And then it hit me. How poetic would it be if I got Tyler to fall for the girl he hated? True justice,” I told him. “How does it feel?” I asked as I shoved at him. “How does it feel to know you fell for the girl you couldn’t stand?”
“Gen,” he said my name like a prayer as he grabbed my hands. I pushed him away.
“Don’t worry, Tyler; the joke’s on me,” I sobbed. “The joke’s been on me this entire time,” I said through my tears. “Because I’m still broken,” I told him. “You broke me, Tyler. You broke me,” I said on a choked sob. I whipped off my bracelets and stuck my wrists out for him to see. “You did this to me. Look at what you did,” I said as I shoved my wrists higher. He looked away. “No, take a good look at what you caused. I was dead, Tyler. Do you get that? I was dead, and my parents found me and brought me back to life. You pushed me to this. You broke everything inside me. I couldn’t live with myself anymore, so I decided to end it all. I lost my senior year of high school trying to cope with everything. I finally came back to the land of the living, and there you were again. And you didn’t even fucking remember me. Of course, I have nightmares,” I cried out. “You’re the star of them, Tyler. You’re the star of my every nightmare.”
I turned away from him, my eyes catching on the disheveled bed, the one just hours before had been my salvation from life, where I’d given myself over to that very nightmare. “Oh God,” I whimpered in anguish at that thought of what had transpired. “What have I done?” I asked as I covered my face with my hands, the bawling with my entire body.
“Gen, please, that … that guy wasn’t me,” Cam said behind me, my own misery snapping him out of his trance. “I’m so sorry. Please, please give me a chance to explain. I love you,” he said behind me.
“No,” I screamed as I turned to face him. “You don’t get to tell me those words. They’re nothing but lies coming from your mouth. Nothing but more bullshit you’re feeding me to break me even more. Haven’t you done enough? Isn’t this enough?” I asked as I held my wrists out again.
“Gen,” he cried out, his voice breaking. “Please,” he said, advancing toward me even as I kept my hands up, telling him with my body he wasn’t welcome near me. “Please, let me make it up to you. Let me show you who I truly am. That … that was a different time in my life. There are things you don’t know about me. I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry. If I could take it all back, I would. I’d change it all. I’d never hurt you. You have to believe me.”
“But you did,” I replied. “You did more than hurt me. You shattered me.”
“I’m so sorry,” he repeated. “God, you don’t know how sorry I am. Please give me a chance to show you. I’m a better man now. I’m a better man because of you. Please, Gen. I love you. I love you so much. I can’t lose you,” he said as he was just two steps from me.
I took the necklace off, grabbed my clothes quickly, and put the necklace on his dresser all while Cam stood stock-still, his eyes following my every move. He was frozen in place by my actions. “You can’t lose something you never had,” I said before I walked out of his room, out of his house … out of his life.
CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT
Past
Cameron
One day earlier …
I USED TO think shock was an emotion—a gasp, an exclamation, a feeling of surprise. I knew better now. Shock was all encompassing—an entire frame of mind, a complete state of being.
I had let her walk away. I had let Gen walk out of my life because of shock.
When I woke to the sound of her beautiful voice calling out my given name, the panic had already set in. My first thoughts were that she’d figured it all out; that she knew all my dark secrets, and she’d walk away. My second thought was there was no way she knew; there was no way she could have put two and two together. So then who the hell was Tyler?
A very large part of my brain told me to shut the hell up and not ask. I didn’t want to know the answer, but I couldn’t drop it. I wasn’t trying to accuse her of anything even if it came off that way. I just needed to know. I needed to determine if my world was about to fall apart.
Having that tiny nagging voice in the back of my head telling me there was a real possibility she had somehow learned my true name, my true nature was one thing, but actually hearing her say it was another.
Panic was a major part of shock. It was just as comprehensive and just as paralyzing. Just having her confirm my fears should have been the climax of a horror movie, but the movie had another plot twist I didn’t see coming.
She was the girl. The only person I’d ever found respite in. She used to be my punching bag, and now she was my salvation. How?
How had I missed it all? How did I not see her for who she truly was? She’d changed, drastically. It wasn’t just the physical presence; it was her whole persona. She’d been an awkward teenager, not particularly spectacular to look at, but it had been her timid personality, her take-all attitude that had been perfect for the boy I’d been. She was shy now but not timid. She didn’t
like conflict, but she didn’t just take whatever was tossed at her. She’d blossomed … despite me.
She just hadn’t been a “person” to me at that time in my life. She’d been an outlet. She could have been any shape, any size, any color, and age—it wouldn’t have mattered then. I didn’t see the girl; I saw someone I could control, someone I could take my anger out on. She’d just been there at the wrong time and place … always. It was always her.
It had gutted me when I was finally in a better place and I looked back on that time, but I hadn’t even remembered her name—if I ever knew it. Even if Gen hadn’t changed one smidgen, I wouldn’t have been able to recognize her passing me by on the street. As I said, it had never been about her, just about what she could give me at those moments.
Charles took his shitty life out on me, and I took it out on her.
No matter who she had been, it didn’t make what I did right, but knowing it was Gen … that broke something powerful inside me. I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t speak. I could only take what she tossed at me with a slight detachment to reality … because this couldn’t possibly be real. I couldn’t have been the one to break her. To ruin her life so completely and drive her to… death.
She’d wanted an out from me. She’d wanted to leave this world because of my actions. I had been a coward then … and I was a coward now.
If my body would cooperate with my heart, I’d have been on the floor, curled in a corner, bawling as tiny pieces of me broke off with my shattering heart. It shouldn’t have been anyone. It couldn’t have been Gen, yet it was.
I found my voice. “I can’t lose you,” I told her, and I meant it. Selfishly, I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I couldn’t let her go. She didn’t know this, but I had been just as ruined as she had been. I had been solely responsible for her destruction, but I had also been partially responsible for my own. She’d thrived where I’d just survived. She did what I couldn’t. And as if destiny could sense I needed someone who understood, they sent me her—irony at its finest, considering she’d never have felt the agony that lived inside me if I hadn’t given it to her then. I didn’t just want her, and I didn’t just love her. I needed her. I’d had a taste of her, and like a drug, I needed more. I didn’t think I’d survive without her.