by J H Cardwell
Another day passed before he finally was opening his eyes enough to keep awake. He still had a serious head concussion, so they were keeping him heavily sedated, until the swelling went down on his brain. His bones were healing from the surgeries. However, his nerves in his left foot and around his fractured left tibia were his biggest concerns. The doctors said he would have problems with the feelings in that leg, and that he might have what is called ‘drop foot’ which would cause him difficulty walking and especially running…Running! What about his scholarship to UNC?
Tate texted and called, and I completely avoided him. I wasn’t sure why, except I knew he would not be happy with me being at the hospital every day for Carter, and we would argue about that. For some reason, I felt obligated to be there. I would have done the same for Tate, but I knew telling him that wouldn’t make him feel any better about the situation.
On the fourth day, I had gone in to Carter’s room, visiting with his mom and there was a knock on the door. Mrs. Davis softly said “come in…”When the door creaked open, Tate was walking in. I just knew Mrs. Davis would charge toward him, maybe even blame him for her son’s thoughtless behavior that evening of the accident. After all, Tate had tried to beat him up. But she didn’t, she gingerly walked to Tate who had his eyes set on me. She ushered him out the door quietly, and he was eagerly summoning me to come to him. I wasn’t sure what to do, so after a minute I went to help rescue Tate. The door had been left slightly cracked, but when I opened it further, I found them a little ways down the hall. Mrs. Davis had her hand on his shoulder, talking softly in his ear. He was shaking his head from side to side and seeming very nervous, impatient even. I couldn’t quite grasp what was going on. I didn’t even realize Tate knew Lisa. Then I saw her lean up and give him a kiss on the cheek, and put her hand on his chest, sliding it down the front of his shirt.
What the hell…I don’t get it? Tate leaned back on the wall and let his head fall back, while she walked toward the nurse’s station.
Tate looked up and saw me, I'm sure I had a confused look on my face…what had just happened? He slowly walked toward me…”Reese, let’s take a walk now…”
“No, Tate, could you tell me what is going on? How do you know Lisa?”
“Reese, please, let’s go somewhere more private.”
Tate grabbed my arm coercing me to follow him, I protested the entire way. When we finally ended up in an empty waiting room, he released my arm. He stood near the door, to block any way for me to exit. I paced back and forth not knowing what to say next.
Tate broke the silence.
“Why are you avoiding me? You can’t just ignore me forever Reese." He ran his hand through his hair, with a look of exasperation. "I’m going crazy here…what do you want me to do, I’ll do it…I just want you to hear me out…Please Reese, can we talk?” He was rambling and I knew he was upset. I had completely ignored him. I guess I deserved a little anger from him.
I was beyond furious, and more confused than ever. I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to be there for Carter, because he was seriously hurt, but did I want to be there for him physically, emotionally?…I hadn’t convinced myself that he was sincere after leaving me last year, withdrawing from me in my darkest hour. I mean as far as Tate goes, I was really falling for him, but could I love a guy who was so possessive and who wanted to basically own me. He didn’t seem to be the kind of guy who would want ‘damaged goods’ for long once he discovered what I was really about.
I guess it was time I told him I knew why he had come over to get Carter. “Tate… I know you heard Carter talking to me over my cell phone Saturday night. I can’t imagine how you were feeling, but I didn’t invite him over. He was…uh…it seemed he was aware when I was alone. I’m not really sure how we ended up just the two of us, but there we were. And, he wanted to talk about old times and…" I turned to Tate, to plead in a way, "Tate, I didn’t kiss him back. I was a little buzzed okay." There now you know, I thought.
Tate had stopped pacing the room and stared cold in my direction.
“I know what you’re thinking, but I never planned to drink around anyone but friends and then he showed up…You know me Tate…I don’t do that.”
“Wait Reese, I do know you, and I do know what I heard on my phone…He wants you back and he kissed you…Didn’t I have a right to kick his ass? I mean he had his chance to...Ughh, I can't take this anymore."
Tate nearly leapt across the room smashing into me.
“He had his chance Reese, now it’s mine.” He whispered breathlessly.
With that he kissed me, hard, pushing my back against the wall. All of the frustration from that night and the last few days fueling his fire. I protested at first, then gave in to the sweet, desire of his kiss. His soft lips were pressing firmly against mine, then he deepened the kiss by separating my lips with his tongue, and slowly caressing my mouth and tongue. The kiss seemed to last for...forever. This beautiful man really wanted me. His hands started moving up my sides. Oh my God the passion in this kiss. I was just as eagerly moving my lips and tongue against his. I had completely submitted myself to this moment with him. Our breathing deep, and hard, and fast. Then the door swung open, and the moment was stopped abruptly...like a record.
Lisa Davis stood staring…speechless. She looked from Tate to me, then swiftly turned and stormed out the door.
“Oh God Reese, I’m sorry about that kiss, I’m not sure what came over me...No, I'm not actually, I’m not sorry at all…I want to kiss you…please say you’re okay with it…don’t go back to Carter. He doesn’t deserve you.”
Once I got my bearings I was ready to retaliate. The kiss was absolutely divine, full of passions past the horizon, Oh I wanted to be okay with him and all that has happened between his jealousy over Carter, and this 'whatever' it is with him knowing Lisa. But, could I be?
“Tate, what is it with Lisa…huh? Why…I mean I’ll ask it again…How do you know her?” I straightened out my t-shirt down my front trying to compose myself.
Tate looked like a lost boy. He wasn’t sure what to say. He started pacing the floor. I couldn't imagine what I was about to hear. I was a little nervous. Did I want to hear what he had to say? I had a really bad feeling about it.
“It’s a long story Reese…one I promise you don’t want to hear…”
“The hell I don’t, you want me to talk with you, you have to do the same Tate.”
He let out a long sigh and ran his hands through his hair. “Well…you know how Lisa and Tony split up last year….”
The door flung open again “Oh there you are Reese, thank God. I was getting worried about you. Everyone is looking for you, Carter is awake honey…He’s asking for you. Didn't Lisa tell you?”
Momentary relief washed over my face. “Really Mom? That is great. I’ll be right there. Go ahead and tell him I’m coming.”
Tate reached out and grabbed my arm. “Wait, I want to ask you about something too Reese… something about what you were saying to Carter Saturday night.” His face was getting red just thinking about all he heard, and what he imagined happened…with Carter kissing me.
“I’ve got to go Tate, let me go…please.”
“Wait...” he stared into my eyes gently grabbing both of my hands and leaning his head to my forehead. “Please don’t leave like this Reese. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. But, I'm worried…about you. Something happened last summer…something you were about to let Carter in on, but I know you haven’t shared it with me, because you told Carter it was awful, and horrible. Those were your words Reese.”
I found it hard to breathe. I looked deep in to his eyes. I could feel it….love I thought…love for Tate, the way he clung to me for his next move, his next breath. But as quick as the wall started to fall, it shot right back up.
“Tate, you don’t know what you’re talking about…I…I’ve got to go. Please,” I motioned to the outside “go, do your homework, or spend time with your fri
ends…I don’t know just…” and I turned and walked out the door.
“I am where I want to be Reese, with you…” he yelled in the air.
As I was walking down the hall, I didn't know what the future held for me and Tate, but I knew I had to keep my secret. I had to.
Chapter 8
Carter was awake.
I quietly walked into his room, and found everyone standing around Carter’s bed. My mom ushered me over to his side so I could talk with him. He looked so weak and his frame actually looked small, lying in the bed with tubes and lines coming out from all angles of his body. Tears started gathering in my eyes as Carter’s feeble hand reached over and grabbed mine.
“Reese.”
Carter’s voice was barely a hoarse whisper…
“Hi Carter…we’re so glad you’re awake.” I looked around the room meeting warm eyes to everyone in the room…everyone except Lisa, she was looking at the floor.
“Hey…could I have a moment alone with Reese?” Carter was barely able to speak.
“I think you need your rest honey,” said Lisa.
“Mom please.” Carter took what looked to be a very difficult swallow.
Lisa and Tony turned to leave, as did everyone else in the room. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone with him yet…I couldn’t wrap my head around my feelings, but I knew I wouldn’t know what to say.
Carter patted the bed weakly with his hand, motioning for me to sit by him.
“I have to tell you something Reese,” he said.
I swallowed hard.
“Carter we don’t have to talk now. Like your Mom said, you need your rest.”
“Reese…oh God Reese so much has happened… I guess you heard, I may have ruined my chance to run for Carolina…and with that my scholarship may be in jeopardy. I…I...am…Arrgh... Shit, it hit hurts so bad.” Carter covered his eyes with his arms, his shoulders shaking.
“Running was my outlet. My dad will talk with the scholarship committee. He thinks they’ll let me come with the understanding, that if I can’t run after six months of therapy, then I will have to forgo my scholarship.”
I just sat there stunned, listening to him. Of course, my mom had told me, and she thought this would happen, but to hear him say it, and to see the torture on his face trying to accept it, was just plain awful. I wanted to cry for him.
“Carter, what were you doing driving that fast, and where were you going?”
He looked all around trying to avoid my face. “I was angry Reese. Angry at Tate, not just for hitting me,” then he looked me square in the face, “but for loving you like I should have done.”
Did he just say that to me NOW after all the time when we were together and all that time he didn't even call, now that I have moved on...he loves me? “Carter…I…I don’t know what to say.” I looked down at the floor. Oh my God what does he mean, the way he should have…and…and Tate loves me…how does he know?
“How do you know Tate loves me?” Why was that my first question?…I guess subconsciously that is the one I wanted to know the most. Does Carter wonder why that was my first question too?
He paused, and looked disappointed. “I heard my mom telling my dad.”
“I don’t understand. Why would your mom be talking to your dad about Tate? Were they worried for you...I mean with me?”
“They weren’t talking about it Reese, they were yelling about it…She was trying to convince my dad that Tate wasn’t in love with her, that he was in love with you.” His eyes were staring a hole in me.
“What? What do you mean not in love with…”
Oh…I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Surely I wasn’t hearing what I thought I was hearing. I mean Tate…Tate was Lisa’s affair? What? When?
I stood quickly, pacing the floor. “Carter, I think you must have it wrong. I mean, Tate and your mom would never happen.”
“I’m sorry Reese, but it did…although my mom swears they didn’t have sex…but I know Tate had to have. He's a player Reese, and he always will be. If they hadn't had sex, my dad wouldn’t have been so upset, you know? Reese, I don’t know when it started or how long it lasted, but my dad has all kinds of confirmation that they were together.”
“Stop, I don’t want to hear anymore…I… you have to be wrong…”
Lisa and Tony walked in the door. I couldn’t speak. I certainly couldn’t look at them. So I casually said, “now hurry up and get well Carter, so you can go home,” like a babbling idiot. Then I turned and ran out the door.
My thoughts all ran together…Tate what have you done?…Could it be true? How have you kept this a secret from me?
Are you still seeing her?
Oh my God. I burst out crying…my heart broken.
Chapter 9
My mom was starting to worry about me even more so than normal. I wouldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I wasn’t talking to anyone except Elle. I’m not sure why, but I was still attempting to do my senior project. With just two weeks left of school, I had to turn it in. But I couldn’t focus. I guess there was no more questioning whether I loved Tate or not, the answer was evident in how much I hurt.
Carter was receiving 'get well' messages from me, through my mom. I couldn’t stand the thought of going to the hospital…sitting in the room where my world had crashed. In the end, I’m not sure if Carter was glad he told me after all. Because, it did drive me away from Tate; but, I also withdrew from everyone, including him.
I had managed to avoid Tate at school all week, with Elle’s help. I had to break down and give her what little I knew of Tate and Lisa. She was furious. She knew though, I didn’t want to give Tate the satisfaction of knowing what was wrong. So, she didn’t really kick his ass, and drag him around school like she threatened…
My mom knew to filter my calls…I took more showers, ran more errands, and was ‘asleep’ more than I should have been…At least that’s what information my mom was giving those who called.
Images of Tate and Lisa kept popping in my head. I wasn’t sure why Tate would see someone that was married, much less nearly 20 years older than him. I mean there is no doubt that Lisa is gorgeous and in better shape than most college girls. But, she was MARRIED! It just didn’t seem like Tate at all,..not the Tate that I had known for so long now.
He sent me text after text asking me to call him, or talk to him…each of which I didn't respond.
The last text from Tate I couldn’t help but read…it was in all caps and read:
I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID REESE BUT PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE TO FIX IT. I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU. YOU WON’T LOOK AT ME, YOU WON’T TALK TO ME, YOU WON’T EVEN TEXT ME. PLEASE REESE. GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE. I’M DYING….
I gave Elle permission, to pull Tate aside at school, and tell him that I couldn’t see him now. She would tell him I had too much going on with school, testing, and packing…I had gotten my parents to agree to let me to go to Elle’s beach house with her for two weeks, after graduation. I needed to get away…After that, it would only be a few weeks before I would be gearing up to go to Wake Forest. The class schedule that starts in late summer would be grueling and keep my mind off all back at home. Hopefully, by the time Tate started at Wake, he would have moved on to someone else. My heart hurt just thinking about it. I wanted to cry…again…but I truly didn’t think I had any tears left.
Then there was Carter, I felt bad for not going to see him. He was in rehab several hours a day, so at least he was busy…but I don’t know, I figured if he had lived carelessly without me for the past year, I could do the same now.
It was safe to say my world was upside down on its axis, and I was miserable.
***
Tate was throwing things around in the gym after Elle had her little talk with him. It took everything in her power not to slap him and tell him how much of a disgrace he was.
He was begging her to elaborate. “Elle, you have to tell me…I can’t keep living like this…the not knowing is kil
ling me. It has to be Carter..." He looked so crazy, so desperate. "She is, isn’t she, she is seeing Carter…he’s made her not see me anymore?”
I’m not sure when it clicked, but Elle saw this as her chance to get Tate out of the picture all together…which meant he would quit upsetting Reese, by trying to reach out to her.
“Tate, you’re right…it is Carter. But, please, don’t tell Reese I told you. She made me swear that I wouldn’t.” It actually was Carter. At least he was the one that had dropped the bomb that blew up their relationship so it wasn’t totally a lie.
Tate was seeing red…He had at one time secretly felt sorry for Carter, because of his dad's brutality. But now, now he hated him with all things evil. His heart had been crushed and squeezed until it was completely broken in two.