Cut

by Bry Ann

  “I should give you and your son a minute, Ms. Taylor.”

  My mom smiles at her. “We could use one.”

  Then she turns to me and scowls. Maria smirks and struts over to me, leaning forward to whisper in my ear.

  “You’re in sooo much trouble, big guy.”

  She smiles respectfully when she pulls away, and walks to the kitchen. Two seconds later, we hear the fridge door opening. Well, I guess she’s true to her word.

  “So…” My mom says, leaning back and crossing her arms over her chest. “You can start talking now.”

  “I have another life in Illinois. You can’t tell me you didn’t know this.”

  She nods. “I did.”

  “Okay, then, tell me what this is about? You’re not honestly surprised I don’t tell people my real name, are you?”

  “No, Brantley, I’m not. But I’d expect a girl you bring home to your mother would at least know your flipping first name. Jesus, Brantley. I raised you better than this. Even after you got hurt, I raised you better.”

  “I’m not purposely bringing Maria home to see you. It’s not like that. We were in Albany already. What was I supposed to do, dump her off on the side of the road? Leave her waiting in the car? I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

  “Don’t do that, Brantley! Not with me. I have no control over what sort of defenses you throw up outside of these walls, but in here, you are my son. Don’t forget, I know exactly who that man is.”

  I bite my tongue and look down at my knees.

  “Whatever you want to tell yourself, I see the way you look at that girl. I saw the way she had your back when your secrets were flaunted in front of me. Don’t tell me this was some forced scenario you had no control over. Why were you in Albany with her?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “I’m sure I’m smart enough to keep up.”

  “I love you, but it’s not my place to reveal her secrets.”

  “I respect that, you know I do. Tell me what you can.”

  “She needed to go to Albany, but the man who was going to buy her a ticket made a condition that she needed to bring someone with her. He was doing it just to be a dick. We aren’t close. We aren’t even friends, to be honest, so I sort of blew her off. But I just kept running into her everywhere, and she seemed so sad. She’s not that type, so I figured she really needed help. I offered to buy her a ticket. I tried to get out of this in every way I could. But she didn’t want my ticket. Apparently, that would mean she owes me. I guess the other guy owes her. I don’t know. It’s stupid, if you ask me. She should have just taken the fucking ticket.”

  “Brantley.”

  “She should have. We wouldn’t be in this mess if she’d just taken my money.”

  “What mess?”

  I glare at her. “Mom, stop,” I growl.

  She smiles. “What? I’m innocent.”

  “Yeah, innocent,” I grumble.

  I turn away from her and clench my fists. I have a routine. A life. A safe spot I’ve built in my mind. A life I’m comfortable in. That suits all my needs.

  I’m fine.

  And these women are gonna fuck it up. In two days, Maria has managed to make me feel like being fine is not enough.

  “Listen to me.” My mom comes over and sits next to me, peeling my fist open with her fingers. “I’ve been there for every moment of your life. I know when something is bothering you. Talk to me.”

  “I can’t.”

  I feel her staring at me, but I can’t look at her.

  “Okay. I’ll let it go for now. But I won’t the next time I see her.”

  “You won’t see her again.”

  She smirks. “We’ll see.”

  I push to my feet. “I’m gonna go get her.”

  “Alright.”

  I walk to the kitchen, wishing it were a gym. I need to hit something.

  “Maria?”

  Of course she’s not fucking in here. I take the other door out. It leads down the main hallway.

  “Maria, I’m not in the mood. Get over here.”

  “Here,” a female voice calls.

  I follow the sound of it. Maria is standing there, still as a board, staring at the pictures in the hallway.

  “This is you.”

  Her fingers delicately trace over the photos. I walk up next to her.

  “Yep. That’s me back when I was normal. No one’s seen those photos, except for Mom and Mandi.”

  “You are normal. Don’t say that.”

  I take a chance and look at her face. Her face has lost its hardness, the raw strength she shows on a daily basis. Her eyes are soft and watery.

  I can’t help it. She’s like a magnet and I can’t fight the need to touch her. My finger finds its way down her arm.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “What happened, Brantley? I haven’t had a desire to ask you, ever, because honestly, there’ve been things I’ve been way more curious about, but… seeing you here. How normal your life is, how great you are, the need to know who did it is suffocating me.”

  She turns to me, taking my face in her soft hands.

  “Please.”

  My body has nerves shooting in all directions. Lust. Desire. Hope. Gratitude. Possession. I want to tell her. I want her to hear it, because I want to see if she can take it. See me the same. Treat me the same. I want her to know. I hid my name from her, and that was so wrong. Because hearing her say my name right now, my real name, in such an intimate setting, shot a fire through my system I didn’t know existed.

  “Sit.”

  Maria doesn’t hesitate, never one to back down from a challenge. She slides down the wall and plops right down on her butt. I scoot down next to her, pulling her head onto my shoulder so I can rub her hair back. She immediately tucks into me and lets out a soft sigh when my hand touches her hair.

  “I want to preface this story by saying that I have Mandi’s permission to say her part in this. I never thought I’d need it, but...” I sigh, inhaling the scent of her hair to ground me. I don’t realize my hands are in fists until I feel Maria’s hands wrap around my scarred knuckles. Not unclenching them. Just holding them so they soften on their own accord.

  “But she told me one day there would be a person I’d want to tell, and that when that day came, I’d better not leave anything out for her sake. So that is what I’m going to do.”

  “I can handle it. I promise.”

  Both of my hands tighten against her skin.

  “We’ll see.”

  “Hey!” She snaps up and crawls into my lap, straddling me, looking furious. “Don’t do that! Don’t doubt me. I’ve given you not one reason to, and I’m not some lightweight who can’t handle things with a clear mind. You’ve said you don’t think I’m some dumb slut. Prove it.”

  Her eyes flare. She just placed some of her own vulnerabilities on the plate. For me. To help make this easier for me.

  My hand strokes down her spine. She immediately shivers against me. My eyes darken and home in on her, mind flashing to the scene in the car. How she felt.

  “Get off!” I bark. “Get off.”

  She scrambles off me, but doesn’t hesitate to lay her head back on my chest. I smile a little then.

  “I really don’t scare you, huh?”

  She scoffs. “I don’t get scared, big guy.”

  “Oh yeah, sure. Alright.”

  I feel her smile against my skin.

  “I was fifteen. Mandi had been living with us for a year, officially. I’ve always been protective of Mandi, since the day I laid eyes on her. She was so little. Covered in flowers and colors in a way I never was. I’ve always been a little…”

  “Gruff. Rugged. Yeah, I can tell from your pictures.”

  “Yeah, Maria. Always been that way. I think maybe that’s why I was drawn to Mandi. She was all light. Anyway, not only was Mandi light and small, but she was younger than me. It’s always been instilled in me, from Mom, that I take care of peopl
e younger and more vulnerable than me. Mom’s always done it. She led by example.”

  I take another deep breath and let my fists clench further. Maria leans up and runs her hand through my hair. Shit, that does feel good. I groan and feel my body slowly relax.

  “Let it out, Brantley. Tell me.”

  “When Mandi was fourteen, her ‘father’ manipulated her into getting involved with some shitty guys. Dealing drugs and stuff. Mandi just wanted her father to accept her. She was naive and young. I don’t fault her for any of this. She was used, and before she knew how deep she was in, some kid’s hands were all over her. I caught it and intervened, but she was weird about it. Like she wasn’t sure she could say no, and she sure as hell wouldn’t turn him in. Even to get me out of trouble, which is so unlike her. My mom was called. Told me to stay home and demand she not go out. Mandi had been going out late for weeks, months maybe. Mandi didn’t want to talk about anything that happened when she got home. She was being weird. Not my Mandi. She said she was going out. Begged me to leave it alone. When she changed, she was wearing a fucking trench coat over her outfit.”

  My hands clench tighter at the memory.

  “I may have been naive, but I wasn’t that naive. She wouldn’t let up, so I had to be smart. I told her to go. That I’d let it slide. As soon as she was gone, I followed her. She didn’t go far. It was right outside that I saw her with two guys. One was that prick feeling her up on the school bus, and the other was a dark-haired man. I still don’t know his name. I never went to the trail.”

  I’d give anything to slam my fists into his face now. To have him try and take me when I’m well trained and smart. Not a young kid who doesn’t know the first fucking thing about defending himself.

  “I wanted to get evidence on them. Something substantial enough to turn in to the cops. So I stayed there to watch for a few minutes before getting Mandi out. They were telling her she was in some kind of trouble. That they were done with her. It didn’t matter who her father was. She was so, so scared. She was shaking, begging them for another chance. The dark-haired guy had her take off her coat. Maria...” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Here was my fourteen year old best friend shaking in this sexualized dress. He was checking her out like she was meat. Then just brushed her off. Said he wasn’t impressed, and he’d make sure she didn’t cause trouble anymore.”

  A squeak escapes Maria’s lips, but she quickly tightens her mouth to let me finish. I move her hand and stroke her hair again. That part about Mandi bothered her, and I’m betting it’s because that situation with Frances exposed her to a fear she didn’t realize she had.

  “I jumped out then. Mandi freaked out. And I do mean spazzed the hell out.”

  I stroke her wild hair to ground me.

  “They restrained her. I had no clue what she was really involved in, how dangerous these men were. Not that I would have done anything differently even if I had known. Maybe I’d have fought harder. Don’t know, can’t say. It took me all of two minutes to trade myself for her. I said I’d take her punishment, as long as they let her off the hook and out of their dealings from then on. They agreed. I was young and cocky. Frankly, I think I was just way more fun to torment. They took me to a basement, tied me to a chair, and cut my skin to shreds with a large knife. Over and over and over again, until the pain started to slip away. Some young cops found me, brought me to the hospital. Mandi did get out officially, but mentally, I’m not sure she’s ever really forgiven herself. Her self-hate runs deep. I can’t fix it. I can’t save her from it. Mom, on the other hand, has always been a pillar of strength for me. Where Mandi fell apart, Mom told me to fight. She rode with me in the ambulance. Barely let me see her cry.

  I was angry for four years. Learned to fight. Did it pretty much every waking moment. When I was nineteen, I almost drank myself to death after realizing no one would love me. I ended up in the hospital. A guy from my fight class, Blade, you met him I believe. At the bar.”

  “Yeah,” she grumbles.

  “Yeah, thought you might remember him. He helped me out. I gave myself a new name. Started to teach exclusively criminals because they don’t give a damn what I look like. In fact, in that circuit, I was respected more for how I looked. No one wanted to fuck with me. Blade got me those connections to start. I owe him a lot. That’s it, Maria. I’ve been doing this ever since.”

  Maria’s quiet for a moment, taking it all in. Then she starts to shift. For a moment, I think she’s going to leave. I think she doesn’t want me, but that feeling doesn’t last long. The feeling of her sliding on top of me, straddling me, is instantly one I am aware of. Her lips land on mine with no hesitation. I wrap my hands around her back and pull her in close, returning the kiss with a mix of passion and aggression. Maria meets it head on. Her teeth clamp down on my lower lip before slowly licking the blood away.

  “Hold on,” I command.

  She wraps her legs around me as I stand. She doesn’t let me keep my lips away for long. She’s kissing me, running her hands through my hair, whimpering as I walk into the spare bedroom and slam the door. I have to stop. My mom’s bound to know what’s happening. But I can’t. I fucking can’t. She heard my story, and fuck…

  She’s grinding against me in that sexy as sin ‘proper’ skirt of hers.

  “Maria, my mom’s—”

  “How are you so nice?” she cries, kissing all along my forehead. “Don’t ever let them change you, Brantley. Don’t you dare.”

  “Hey,” I say softly, pulling her away and holding her against me. “I won’t, Maria. I won’t.”

  I don’t really know what I’m agreeing to, but she sounds so upset, I will agree to it for her. She takes a deep breath against my shoulder. She’s wound so tight, and I don’t know what it’s all from, but I do know one thing, even if I don’t understand it. Something, based on my hard on right now, we both have in common. But we can’t do that. Not now. Possibly not ever.

  “Talk to me.”

  “Where are they?”

  “Who?”

  “The men who did this to you.”

  “Prison, for a very long time.”

  “I want them to suffer.”

  Something like a laugh slips out as I let my hand gently cup the back of her head.

  “Okay, soldier’s daughter, slow down.”

  She wiggles off of me. “What? I do. I bet you could kick their ass now.”

  There’s no betting, I could.

  “Maybe, but I wouldn’t want to.”

  Not really, anyway.

  Her eyes shoot open. “Why the hell not?”

  “That’s a dark road. I try to be careful. I’ve let enough darkness in my life. I let the police handle them. Besides, being locked in a cage for years on end is worse than anything I could do with my fist, you know?”

  “You’re such a better person than me.”

  “I don’t think so. Words are easy, actions harder. If I were face to face with that dark-haired man, I would probably punch him. I may not want to, but I don’t think I’d be able to stop it. You, on the other hand, would smirk and lay his ass flat. You’d use the law to make sure he lived miserably in prison for the rest of his days.”

  Maria smiles big and cocks her hip to the side.

  “Maybe I’d punch him, too. If he hurt you, big guy.”

  I shake my head.

  “Let’s get out of here before my mom comes looking for us.”

  Her eyes widen ever so slightly. “Of course.”

  She scampers out of there, fixing her hair and skirt on the way. I can’t help but laugh at her. How is she so composed and so spastic all at the same time?

  I’m dreading going back in the living room. I literally just tried to tell her that Maria means nothing to me, and now I disappear for fifteen fucking minutes with her in the hallway. Her face is going to be so damn smug.

  “Well, that took a while.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Wipe the smirk off your face.”

  I glan
ce at Maria.

  “Both of your damn faces, Jesus. What’s for dinner?”

  I slam my body down on the chair. The legs on it wobble for a moment before deciding to support my weight.

  “Be careful with those chairs, Brantley. I’ve told you this a hundred times. I can’t afford new ones.”

  “Sorry, I forgot.”

  “I’m sure you did,” Maria chimes in, smiling.

  I glare at her.

  “Okay, let’s leave Brantley alone for now and enjoy dinner.”

  So we do. Maria and my mom make jokes and laugh, telling stories about times they held strong against shitty guys, which I would rather not have heard about from my mom, but I didn’t have the heart to stop them. We eat delicious food and the girls laugh. A lot. For the first time since I was fifteen, I have no desire to hit, punch, or train. I’m at peace. I’m happy. And I’m just me. With these two women, I don’t have to be Cut, I don’t have to be the ghost of Brantley past, I can be exactly who I am right now with no walls and no lies.

  I’d give anything for this feeling to be real. For this to be more than a passing moment. But it’s not. And that’s what makes Maria so dangerous.

  Mom’s arms wrap around me. It’s then that I realize we are all at the door, packed and ready to go. Where was I in my head?

  “I’ll miss you, and… I’m so happy.”

  “Don’t get too excited.”

  “I’m a smart woman. Let me own my own feelings.”

  She’s more than earned that respect from me, so I apologize and let Maria say goodbye. Maria wraps my mom in a hug. Maria is very clearly a woman who displays her affection physically.

  “Thank you, Ms. Taylor. I had an amazing time. And…” Maria bites her lip. I watch as her head tilts and her mask slips back on. I want to know why. “And it was a pleasure meeting you.”

  “You too, sweetie. Come by anytime. I mean it. Brantley or not, you are welcome here.”

  “Thank you,” Maria squeaks, then turns away and waits for me, unable to meet my mom’s eyes again.

  “Good luck with Mandi tomorrow. You’ll need it.”