Cut

by Bry Ann

  “You’re a saint,” she breathes.

  I snort and climb between her legs, letting my face hover just inches from where I want to be most.

  “Yeah?”

  She props up on her elbow.

  “God, yeah,” she cries, scooting toward me. She grips the bedsheets in preparation. Smart girl.

  I slide one finger inside her. Her hips thrust forward, once again pleading with me to give her more. She’s so responsive and open. I’m mesmerized by her. I’ve slept with quite a few women at Blade’s place. It’s an outlet for my loneliness. But this, this, I can already tell is going to be the best I’ve ever had.

  I want to play with her more, but I need to be inside her. I add a second finger and quickly start to pump in and out of her, not stopping until I have her right where I want her. Writhing on the bed, desperate for pleasure. Desperate for me.

  When I snatch my hand away, her big brown eyes find me.

  “Brantley! If you—”

  “Come here.”

  I cock my head. She scrambles up and starts to straddle me. Her eyes meet mine. Can I?

  I nod once. “Go ahead. Take what you want.”

  Maria craves the distraction this brings. Needs it. And I bet it’s rare that she gets the control, no matter what package she likes to present to the world. Also, I’m scared that the situation with Frances has affected her more than she knows. I don’t know how far that went, and it’s not my place to ask. I’m not risking making her feel vulnerable. I’m not the type of guy who brings a woman comfort naturally. This is the only way I know how to do this for her.

  I feel her sink onto me. Her head immediately tucks into my shoulder with a groan. I growl and grab her sides. I feel my fingers digging into her skin. She’s soft under my fingers, so pliable.

  She slowly starts to move. My cock hardens as pressure builds in my body. It’s building inside me like a volcano when she just stops and a cold hand is on my face. She goes limp in my lap.

  “You’re not with me.”

  It’s not the words that get me, it’s the complete disappointment in her voice.

  “You’re in your head.”

  She slides off me without another word and reaches down for her clothes. Fuck. What is wrong with me?

  “You can go, with my apologies. I pushed you. I’m not used to men like you. I’m sorry. Good night, Brantley.”

  She turns and heads to the bathroom, shoulders sagging, muscles limp, and face down.

  I fly out of the bed toward her. She predicts it and shrugs out of my hold when I try to grab her. When I don’t give up, she freezes, but doesn’t look at me.

  “If you consider me a friend at all, you’ll let me preserve my dignity and shower in peace.”

  I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what my fucking problem is. Why I can’t turn my brain off. Why I can’t just accept this for what it is, whatever it is. I don’t even know.

  I live in a bubble, and she’s popped it. I’m spending too much time trying to fit her inside of it again when she’s not meant to be there in the first place.

  “Maria…”

  “Please, go.”

  I force my legs to move back. I force my body out the door. I just want to hold her. I just want to take away the damage I caused, but all I did was give her another scarring sexual experience.

  Scarring. What an ironic word to use.

  It seems that’s all I’m really good for.

  I had her tight as shit pussy wrapped around my cock. I had her eyes on me, and her body soft and open underneath me.

  And I gave her nothing in return.

  I punch my pillow and do sets of alternating pushups and sit-ups until I’m nauseous. Only then do I collapse into the bed. I’ve long since outgrown nightmares. I’ve literally beaten them out of me, but tonight, I wish I hadn’t. I’d feel better if I were suffering.

  I hate myself right now.

  Why can’t I just be normal?

  26

  I shoot out of bed when the sun is high in the sky. What the hell? Why am I still fucking asleep? I quickly throw clothes on and walk to our adjoining door. Before I reach it, flashes of the night before come flooding back. I freeze. I have to wake her, but…

  I’m not ready to face her.

  It’s not an option to be a pussy about this. I do give myself the luxury of running my hand over my face before knocking. When she doesn’t answer, my heart starts to race. She wouldn’t do anything, would she? Right? This has been a lot: Frances, her dad, me…

  “Maria!”

  I start to pound on the door. A fear I don’t understand starts to swell inside me. I haven’t felt like this since Lacey’s house was broken into, and I had to choose between saving Maria and saving Lacey.

  Fuck this.

  I open the door and run in.

  I pause as I take in the sight in front of me.

  Maria is completely naked with her wild hair spread everywhere. She’s on the bed spread like a starfish.

  Son of bitch. I nearly had a heart attack.

  Her hand slaps down on the bed, sending tangles flying everywhere. A smile tugs at my lips.

  This woman…

  I sit on the edge of the bed and rub her hair back. She inches toward me unconsciously, which makes my heart do something funny. That vanishes the second she turns to me. Even with shut eyes and a peaceful sleeping expression, it’s easy to see her eyes are red-rimmed and swollen.

  She was crying.

  I made her cry.

  I rub her hair back with more meaning.

  “I’m so sorry,” I murmur. “I’m really fucking sorry. It’s for the best, though. I promise, angel.”

  Her hand wraps around my thigh. That’s when she flies backward with wide eyes.

  “What the....” A scowl graces her face before she schools it. “What are you doing here?”

  “You need to get up. We have to go.”

  She throws a pillow over her face.

  “What, is Mandi on some kind of schedule?”

  “No, she doesn’t even know we’re coming, but the sun is up.”

  She shoots up and stares at me with an open mouth, letting the sheet fall away. Her breasts are right there in front of me, but I have no right to look at them. Because it’s either her breasts or her swollen, red eyes. I can’t sink so low as to disrespect her like that again. So I keep a hold of her eyes. I don’t look away. I don’t give into temptation once. But after a moment, I’m not sure if I made our situation worse or better. With a sigh, Maria lifts the sheets back up to cover herself, even though she’s still very much still visible under the flimsy cloth.

  “There are so many things wrong with that statement. First, why the hell does Mandi not know we’re coming? You’re just planning on showing up? Two, I don’t give a shit if the sun is up. I’m not up, so you better turn your ass around. Three, have you heard of knocking?”

  “I tried. You sleep like the dead, woman.”

  “Sleep being the operative word in that sentence.”

  I glare at her. “Sun. Is. Up.”

  “Are you like this with Lacey?”

  “I’m much tougher on Lacey than you. She can handle it; you couldn’t.”

  The look she gives me is pure fire. She shoots out of the bed and comes at me. I stand so she has better access. Her hand hitting my cheek sends a thwack sound through the room. I don’t flinch. I don’t respond to the stinging. I simply stare at her, unflinching.

  “I can handle it! At least you don’t fuck with Lacey’s feelings. You go there, you do your job, and you leave. I’d do all the pushups you asked if you’d stop making me feel things for you!”

  She shoves hard at my chest.

  “You’re a coward you know? I hope you know that. You’re muscly and you can fight, but you’re so fucking scared. More than anyone I’ve ever met. Lacey fights to move past her scars. You don’t. You simply built a life around them, instead of the opposite. You should have built a life de
spite them.”

  “You done?”

  I fight to keep my expression schooled.

  “I’m sure not, Cut! Sure, sure not.”

  She seems so short and small standing there, completely naked and unashamed, nearly a foot shorter than me. Her hair is all over, but her eyes take away any vulnerability the position she’s in may give her.

  “You’re… dumb. You’re really dumb.”

  “Dumb?” I almost want to laugh. All I’ve done, and that’s really all she has left to come up with?

  “Yeah, dumb! Now get out of my room. I’ll get dressed so we can go see your friend.”

  “Maria, I—”

  “Shut up and go to your room. Did you not hear me?”

  “Watch it,” I warn.

  She shoves me toward the door and throws it open.

  “Bite me.”

  Well, this is going to be fun. Maria pounded on my door fifteen minutes later with an abrupt, “Get out here, I’m ready.”

  Now we’re in the car. She’s in a low cut V-neck dress meant to show off her legs. To go with that, she has a pair of strappy sandals and wild, ‘just got fucked’ hair. She’s impossible not to look at and I have a feeling that is exactly the point of this outfit.

  This is going to go over sooo well with Mandi. Kill me now. Give me a bag. And some gloves. And a client. I need my life back. This is all ridiculously surreal.

  “Can I talk, Maria? Or are you going to make me crash this car if I open my mouth? I just want to give you a heads up on Mandi.”

  She huffs. “Go ahead. Talk away.”

  She waves her hand through the air to emphasize her sarcasm.

  “Maria, I never meant to—”

  “What’s Mandi like?” She interrupts with a sultry smile. “I want to be prepared.”

  I sigh. Whatever unlikely connection we had is severed. I hurt Maria’s pride. Deeply. And maybe even her feelings, which is the worst offense, in Maria’s eyes. Lacey tried to warn me. She knew all this was coming. And now Maria is treating me the same way she treats everyone else.

  And I hate it. I really fucking hate it. I miss her. The real her. The woman behind the wall of seduction and charm.

  “Mandi’s opinionated. Very opinionated. Sometimes she says things without any idea what she’s talking about, but she always means well. She’s also...” I clench my fists, uncomfortable admitting it out loud, to Maria of all people. “She’s also very protective of me.”

  Maria’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, you let her? I’m surprised you haven’t subtly transitioned her out of your life yet.”

  “Maria! Knock it off.”

  She winces. “I’m sorry. That was a little far. She’s practically your sister. Of course you’re close.”

  Maria’s words are a mumble as she looks down at her lap with slightly red cheeks.

  “Maria, we should probably talk about—”

  “Is Mandi single?” Maria blurts out, cutting me off again.

  “She better be,” I growl.

  Maria softens slightly and smiles at me almost dreamily. She catches herself and stiffens, probably remembering yesterday.

  “Typical older brother. I hope she’s getting some.”

  “Maria!” I practically scream. “Too far!”

  “You know, you’re pretty protective of her, too.”

  “She’s younger than me,” I grumble.

  “You’re so cute. I’m sure Mandi can take care of herself.”

  “Doesn’t matter if she can or can’t. She’s little and she’ll never have to.”

  “Oh god, you’re so cute.” Maria bashes her head into the glove box. I jump and look for any signs of injury. “You can’t stop, can you? Nope. Okay, I have to get it together.”

  She smacks herself in the face once. Twice. Three times. Her arm flies up again and no. No way. My arm reaches out and snags her wrist.

  “No. You’re young, too. Knock it off.”

  She moans and slumps forward when I release her, once again slamming her face into the glove box. I try to call her name a few times but she waves her hand in the air, signaling for me to stop.

  She stays that way the whole way to Mandi’s.

  Maria’s the picture of grace, walking up to Mandi’s doorstep. I don’t know how she pulls herself together like this with no physical outlet, but it’s not my business.

  The floor creaks beneath me when we reach Mandi’s doorstep. Mandi lives in a slightly run-down apartment outside of town. I hate her living here, but she pays for it all on her own. She’s made her life like I made mine. I wasn’t the only one affected by what happened that day, fifteen years ago. Mandi tries to hide it from me, but guilt eats her alive. She started therapy soon after admitting her urges to mom, and is still in it to this day… I think. We don’t talk about it.

  I glance once at Maria.

  “Are you sure you wanna…?”

  She cuts me off by rolling her eyes and slamming her fist on the door.

  “Yes, I’m sure. I’m not waiting in the car. Thanks for your oh so kind offer.”

  Her tone is flat.

  Of course I offered for her to stay in the car if she wanted. I’m trying to make this as easy as possible for her. I don’t know what else to do for her. I can’t visit Mom and not Mandi. That’s simply not an option. She’ll have to suck it up.

  “Coming!” I hear Mandi’s cheery voice call through the door.

  I can’t help but get excited. She’s going to lose her mind when she sees me here. I purposely didn’t tell her. Mandi’s fun to fuck with.

  The door swings open.

  “Oh my god!” She screams at the top of her lungs, before running into my arms. “Oh my god! Oh my god! You’re here.”

  She grabs my shoulders and pulls back with a giant smile, then throws her arms around me again and squeezes tight.

  “I missed you!”

  “I see that.”

  She swats at me. “You’re the worst, Brantley.”

  We’re going on two decades of her saying that. Obviously, she doesn’t really feel that way.

  “Missed you too, Mandi.”

  Her eyes sparkle. “Aghh, this is so great. Come…”

  That’s when her eyes find Maria. I see it immediately. The change. Her face falls flat and her eyes narrow.

  “Who’s this?”

  She points at Maria with her thumb.

  “Maria Vasquez, nice to meet you.”

  Maria’s voice is just as flat as Mandi’s. Mandi’s eyes roam over Maria once, clearly disapproving. Shoot me.

  “Amanda West,” Mandi responds.

  “Okay,” I clap my hands, interrupting their silent hate fest. “You gonna invite us in, Mandi?”

  Mandi opens the door, grumbling. “I don’t what you mean by ‘us’, but I guess.”

  I extend my arm, letting Maria enter first. She does with full confidence, not at all perturbed by Mandi’s behavior. I follow after Maria, but before I go in, I lean into Mandi’s ear.

  “Behave.”

  Her body slumps, and she looks to the ground. “I really missed you. You’ve been gone a long time.”

  “I’m here now.”

  “Yeah, with her.”

  “Mandi,” I say in a stern voice. “You don’t know her. You don’t even know why she’s here. Quit acting like a psycho and be a normal person. Get to know her, ask me directly who she is to me, but stop acting like a two year old. I don’t need that shit right now.”

  “Fine, who is she to you?”

  I didn’t think that through. Great.

  “A woman I owe a favor to. Now shut the door and stop acting crazy.”

  Mandi gives me one more stare, somehow communicating both that she missed me and that she thinks I suck, before doing as I say. I watch her with a small smile. I missed her, too. Her brightness is irreplaceable in my life. Even now, she’s wearing a wrap-around red flower dress with her hair in a high bun held together with a matching red scrunchy.

&n
bsp; Every sacrifice I’ve made for Mandi is worth it to keep her just like this.

  As Mandi locks and deadbolts her front door, I head for the living room to see what Maria is up to.

  “Brantley, wait! No, don’t go in there!”

  I spin around on my heel. Mandi is frantically running over to me. She stops in front of me and starts wringing her hands together.

  “I didn’t know you were coming,” Mandi pleads in a wobbly voice. She blinks rapidly several times but can’t stop the tears welling up in her eyes. Her guilt fills the room so heavily, it’s hard to breathe.

  “Mandi, hey. Whatever it is, it’s fine. I promise. I won’t be mad. What is it?”

  The sob she’s been holding bursts out of her in a choking sound, like she’s fighting for air.

  “I’m sorry, Brantley. Sam’s here. You can wait in the hall. I’ll get him to go without seeing you. I’m sorry. We’ve been friends since that day in the cafeteria with Rick. I was gonna tell you, but everything happened so fast. Then you got hurt, and I… I didn’t talk to him again. But when you left, he sought me out. He’s been a friend since.” She jumps into me and puts her head on my chest. “I’m so sorry.”

  I stiffen. “Sam, like my Sam? From high school?”

  “Yes, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You know if I’d have known…”

  “It’s alright.”

  I hold her for a moment, my mind spinning a hundred miles a minute while Mandi drowns in guilt. She trying to shove it down, trying to hide it from me, but I know Mandi better than myself. I can feel it seeping out of her bones as I hold her.

  Sometimes I wonder if Mandi didn’t end up with more scars than me.

  I grab her shoulders and pull her back.

  “Let’s not keep him waiting, okay?”

  “I’ll get rid of him right away.”

  I nod. “Alright.”

  “I’m sorry…”

  I hold up a hand. “I’m glad someone’s been there for you.”

  But let’s please get this nightmare over with.

  I gesture for Mandi to go ahead of me. Mainly so she doesn’t see how tense I am. My fists are tight and my jaw feels like it’s going to dislocate.