47 Things

by Lilliana Anderson

  I know money and possessions is the last thing you care about, right now. I mean, you’re probably planning my funeral and wishing I hadn’t insisted on leaving. But, I need you to know that from the moment I met you, I never made a decision without thinking about you, and even when you were busy trying to take care of me, I was still trying to take care of you.

  I also want to tell you how sorry I am. This love story of ours is probably the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. But sweetheart, I couldn’t walk away – the moment you smiled at me, I was hooked. And I probably should have walked away to spare you the pain you’re going through right now and honestly, I don’t regret a moment so I’m not sorry for not walking away. I’m sorry for being too much of an arsehole to regret it. And I’m sorry that our forever was such a short time. I wanted to give you kids, and I wanted to grow old with you – even if I was in a wheelchair, I could have been a cool grandad. But we got robbed, sweetheart and our story didn’t get that far.

  I’ve asked mum to give you my journal. Part of the reason I didn’t want you to read it, was because as well as my lists. It chronicles our story from the day I broke your ankle until we returned from Vegas after we were married. I want you to read it and remember all the great times we had together. I want you to read exactly how much I loved you, and how important you were to me.

  I didn’t continue it after my last relapse. I couldn’t really write anymore, but even so, I didn’t want our story to be so devastating in its end. So maybe one day, you can finish our story – you can tell the truth, or you can write us a fairy tale ending that has us growing old and doing everything we could ever dream of – maybe we could even be a volcano legend…I don’t know. I just know that these journals were the best therapy I ever had, and I hope they can be your therapy too, because I don’t want you to hurt forever. More than anything, I want you to live life better than I ever could, and understand that you did everything right for me – you were the best part of my life, sweetheart, and I will love you from up above the stars in the sky for all eternity.

  Until we meet again, my love,

  Tyler

  Hugging the letter to my chest, I let out a sigh, and wiped away the tears that had started to fall while I was reading, as I smiled to myself as Tyler’s voice filled my mind. It was more than I could ever hope for, and more than anything, I wanted to go back to our beginning. I wanted to relive everything again through his eyes, and I pulled the leather twine free and opened the first page with hungry eyes and fingertips, longing to touch the pages he had filled with his own words.

  The beginning contained his lists, and each had its own title – Things to do before my next birthday, Things that I’ll probably never do, Things I only want to do with Sarah – I stopped on the last one, and laid my hand on the page, feeling the indentations that his pen made. On that list, there were forty-seven things, and they were so simple that they made my heart ache from missing him. It began by listing things like, making me smile, kissing me, hugging me, making love to me, telling me that he loved me until the final entry simply said ‘everything’ with a big circle around it.

  A tear slid from my eye as I whispered his name then held the book against my chest as if I could somehow hug him through it. Then I lowered it again and flipped through his other lists, noting all the check marks next to the many things we’d done together as I read over all the other things he wished he could do, and just as I suspected – swimming with great white sharks was among them.

  “God, I love you, Tyler,” I said to myself with a smile as I read over his lists that so perfectly illustrated his fun loving and adventurous personality. Then finally, I turned the page, and there was the first journal entry that was dated the exact day I broke my ankle. My heart leapt in my chest as his words took me through our story in the most perfect way possible – through his eyes.

  20th October, 2010

  Today is the day I made Sarah Kennedy smile. Well, a few things happened before that – first, I broke her ankle. It was an accident, and I feel like shit for it, so I swear to never eat a stick of gum again. But, that break lead to one of the best afternoons I’ve had in a long time.

  There’s just something about her, something that’s always made me wish I knew her, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be the reason she smiles. I never cared about what any other kids thought about her. I just knew there was something going on behind those big brown eyes of hers that was far more interesting than your average person. As far as I was concerned, Sarah Kennedy was special, and she showed it every day when she turned up at school with her shoulders back and her head held high. No one could break her. I’ve always admired that.

  Turning the scowl of hers into a smile has been on my list for ages. I’ve always wondered why, when I find it so easy to befriend most people, I couldn’t even approach her without breaking out into a sweat. But then, that piece of gum intervened and forced me to man up and talk to her. I should probably thank it.

  I suppose I should explain the whole broken ankle and gum thing, right? Well, I was hanging out with the guys on our way to one of the last Uni classes we were ever going to have, and I was a jerk and spat it out on the pavement. It wasn’t long after that that I heard a shriek and turned around to see a shoeless Sarah, sitting in the middle of what looked like a snow storm, but was really just her papers fluttering on the ground around her. Even lying in a mess on the ground, she looked beautiful.

  In the back of my mind, I knew I probably should have let someone else help her and continued to stay out of her life. But it was my fault she fell, and well, I don’t want to have any regrets in this life, I couldn’t let what might be my last opportunity to talk to her pass me by. So I knelt in front of her and the moment our eyes met, I felt this jolt in my chest.

  I called her ‘sweetheart’ and her eyes flashed with annoyance and something else – denial perhaps? Longing? I don’t know what was going through her head in that moment. But I knew what was going through mine. I knew without a doubt that everything is about to change…

  Epilogue

  OPENING THE new leather journal in my hands, I smooth my hand over the page and hear the creaking of the spine as it complains at my intrusion. It has taken me four years to be able to do this. Tyler’s absence in my life has been harder than any moment with him ever was, and there are times that I’m so wracked with guilt for removing that lid that I can barely function. I remind myself over and over again that it was what he wanted. I remind myself that he lived the best life he could in the short amount of time he had. I remind myself that he loved me with his whole heart, and that he always kept his promises – he always came back to me.

  I remember telling Tyler that I loved him for his mind, and I didn’t care what it was packaged in. I just wanted him. So, when Susan had given me the journal, it was like having him back with me again.

  I read that journal from cover to cover, over and over again, running my fingers over the indentations of his handwriting and over the swirling lines he made when he’d created a crude scratchy drawing that shows small glimpses of his thoughts at the time. I could see how his handwriting changed as his disease progressed, and most importantly, I could live through our relationship, remembering what we were together as if I was sitting and reminiscing with him. It was the perfect thing for him to leave me, and it really was like he’d come back to me.

  Although, I couldn’t continue our story like he suggested. I didn’t want to write down the painful truth, and I didn’t want to make up something up as I felt it would cheapen what we went through. Instead, I simply taped his death certificate into the back page and let the blank space before it fill in the story. It seemed fitting at the time, just like this new journal feels fitting now. Because now, there’s a new chapter in our story – a little boy with curly golden hair and light blue eyes who is running around a tree in Victoria Park as Susan pretends to be the birthday monster who only likes to eat birthday boys.

&nb
sp; He’s laughing and smiling and he’s everything his namesake was – a light in this world who was born almost six months after his father’s passing, and gave me a reason to keep going.

  Today, Tyler Lohan Junior has turned three and we’re getting ready to go on a holiday. We call him ‘Ty’ for short, and we’re about to go to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower, and Italy to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa. They may seem like silly places to take a boy so young, but there is a point to this trip – we’re continuing Tyler’s list and one of his wishes was to have those cheesy tourist photos taken with the monuments. You know the ones where you put your finger on the point of the Eiffel Tower and you act as though you’re trying to stop the Leaning Tower from falling over. Susan is coming with us as well, so it should be a lot of fun, and really, it’s a great way to show Ty the fun and adventurous side of his father.

  Along with the lists, I’ve decided it’s time to start my own journal to continue on from Tyler’s, and chronicle life with our son – the new great love of my life, and the greatest gift I’ve ever known. I suppose in a way, I’ve done exactly what Tyler asked me before he died. He wanted me to find love and happiness again, and in our son, I found just that. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for a relationship again, but for now, I’m happy and my life is filled with love. I can’t ask for much more than that.

  I flip through the first few pages, deciding that I’d like to put some photos of Ty in the beginning, and I also leave some space to copy over the lists for this year. Then I come to a fresh page, take a deep breath and I begin…

  27th July, 2015

  And so the story of the wayward stick of gum continues. Our love lives on inside a beautiful three-year-old boy who looks just like his father and spreads joy everywhere he goes…

  The End

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  About Multiple Sclerosis

  (information from MS Australia)

  Tyler was unfortunate to have a very aggressive form of MS, and while some of the topics in this book were hard to talk about, they are issues that come up in many families when a loved one is in irreversible pain.

  It’s important to know that MS is rarely fatal, however it is incurable, and much research still needs to be done to understand the disease and its many variations. Below is a brief description of MS and a link for more information.

  Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a disease of the central nervous system, interfering with nerve impulses within the brain, spinal cord and optic nerves. It is characterised by sclerosis a Greek word meaning scars. These scars occur within the central nervous system and depending on where they develop, manifest into various symptoms.

  - See more at: http://www.msaustralia.org.au/understanding-ms#sthash.EDxQO6bP.dpuf

  If you’d like to make a donation to help fund research into this condition, please visit the MS society in your country online or in person.

  Books by Lilliana Anderson

  The Confidante Trilogy

  Confidante: The Brothel

  Confidante: The Escort

  Confidante: The Madame

  Beautiful Series

  Too Close

  A Beautiful Struggle

  Phoenix

  A Beautiful Forever

  Commitment

  A Beautiful Melody

  A Beautiful Rock

  Devotion

  A Beautiful Star

  A Beautiful Taste

  Entwined Series

  Our Hearts Entwined

  Our Lives Entwined

  Drawn Series

  Drawn

  Drawn 2 – Obsession

  Drawn 2 – Redemption

  Drawn to Fight: Zac & Evie

  Fire & Lies

  Partners

  For information on upcoming releases visit

  www.lillianaanderson.com

  Acknowledgements

  AS ALWAYS, there are people to be thanked! Many sets of eyes go in to the creation of each of my books and I am very grateful to every person who takes time out of their lives to help me.

  Thank you to my beta readers for working so hard for me. Marion of Making Manuscripts, I thank you for your detailed guidance during the first draft. Tammie, Mary, Billie, and Kristine. Thank you all so much. I know I say this a lot, but your input really is invaluable to me and it helps keep me smiling in this writing game. Thank you! Thank you! I love you all!

  Thank you to my editor, Maria Johnson, for trawling through my manuscript for errors and always working me into her schedule. She gives up a lot of time to give me feedback and help make some of my addled sentences make sense!

  To every blogger who has an ARC or has signed up to post about my book – I thank you too. You are the first step to announcing our work to the world. Love your work xoxox

  Also, a big thank you to my husband for putting up with my bitching and moaning and his unending support, his plot help, and his encouragement.

  Thank you to my street team. We are tiny. But, we make a difference.

  I’d also like to thank the wonderful team at Apple and Smashwords, who set up all of my preorders and trust me to upload my books on time – I truly appreciate your support!

  Thank you to my kids for being so patient while I stare at a computer screen and finish typing out a thought. I love that you all come and sit in my office quietly, just to spend a bit of extra time with mummy!

  And of course – thank you to all of my readers. Without you, I would be writing to the crickets.

  Mwah! xoxox

  About the Author

  Lilliana Anderson

  Bestselling Author of the A Beautiful Series, Alter and the Confidante Trilogy, Lilliana has always loved to read and write, considering it the best form of escapism that the world has to offer.

  Australian born and bred, she writes New Adult Romance revolving around her authentically Aussie characters as well as a biographical trilogy based on an ex-Sydney sex worker, named Angelien.

  Lilliana feels that the world should see Australia for more than just it's outback and tries to show characters in more of a city setting.

  When she isn't writing, she wears the hat of 'wife and mother' to her husband and four children.

  Before Lilliana turned to writing, she worked in a variety of industries and studied humanities and communications before transferring to commerce/law at university.

  Originally from Sydney's Western suburbs, she currently lives a fairly quiet life in suburban Melbourne.

  Visit my website at www.lillianaanderson.com

  Connect with me :

  For updates or to ask questions/ send comments,

  you can contact me at lillianaanderson@live.com.au

  follow me on twitter @Confidante_Lili

  visit my website www.lillianaanderson.com

  or facebook where I am most active-

  http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lilliana-Anderson-Author/444649528938470

  http://www.facebook.com/lilliana.anderson.12

  Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work. I hope to have a very long writing career, producing books and characters you’ll come to love.

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