“Kieran, I’ve been doing dangerous things since we met.”
“Yeah, and you have magic. So I said to myself that you could take care of yourself. And I shouldn’t make an issue about it. But Azazel, you’re pregnant—”
“We don’t know that!”
“—and do you have any idea how scary it would be for me if I didn’t know that you had that kind of power? That you couldn’t protect yourself and our child—”
“God, Kieran, stop talking about it like that!” I screamed. I ran into him at full force and began beating my fists into his chest. At first I hit him hard, but then my punches grew weak. He grasped both my wrists. I sagged against him.
I convulsed into sobs.
Kieran pulled me close. He stroked my hair as I cried into his shirt. One of his arms was wrapped about my waist, and he held me tight against his body as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Right then, he seemed so strong and so powerful, and I felt so helpless and small. I didn’t care if that was actually true or not. For the moment, it was too comforting to be in Kieran’s arms and to let him whisper into my hair that everything was going to be okay. I clung to him, and I cried until I felt spent.
Even then, I didn’t pull away. I snuggled closer against him. My hands wandered over his chest.
He had a nice chest. I tilted my face up to look at him. He smiled down at me. The curve of his lips was so tender. He was such a nice, nice guy. What was wrong with me? Here he was, being awesome, and I was running from it. Did I have some block that kept me from being attracted to guys who weren’t actually bad for me?
I slid a hand up around Kieran’s neck, settling it behind his head. I moved his head down towards mine. He didn’t need more encouragement. His lips met mine eagerly.
Kieran was a warm, enthusiastic kisser. His lips and tongue moved against my own. I didn’t feel like the world was breaking apart. I didn’t feel like my limbs were exploding. Instead, I just felt warmth spreading throughout my body, engulfing both of us. He made me feel drowsy, safe, like being wrapped in a blanket on a cold day with a cup of cocoa in my hands. Comfortable. Safe.
Happy.
Then he pulled back. “Sorry,” he said. He let go of me.
Suddenly, everything felt very cold. I hugged myself. “What’s wrong?”
“You were upset,” he said. “I shouldn’t have taken advantage of that.”
I rubbed at my eyes, trying to wipe off all my tears. God, I’d been emotional lately. Was that a sign of pregnancy? Jesus. “I wanted you to,” I told the ground. I felt a little embarrassed.
“Sure, you did. When you were crying. But I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. You needed me to comfort you, not jump you.”
I giggled. “It was nice.”
He laughed. “Nice, huh?” He shook his head. “Okay.”
I was confused. “Is it bad that I thought it was nice?”
“No,” he said. “It’s fine. I thought it was much more than nice, though.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “We can just forget that happened, if you want. We don’t ever have to talk about it.” He turned and started back for the church.
I opened my mouth to call him back, but then I closed it. Maybe he was right. Maybe I’d kissed him because I was upset. Maybe we should just forget about it. Did I want a relationship with Kieran? He was gorgeous. He was sweet. He was good in bed. I liked kissing him. He was completely supportive of my possible pregnancy. He’d already told me he was falling for me.
Wasn’t that enough?
What did I want anyway? I turned and looked towards the road that led to Columbus-Belmont Park. I thought of Jason’s swollen face. I thought of his large, dark eyes. Did I want to rule the world?
I shook myself and headed after Kieran. I jogged to catch up with him, and when I did, I slid my hand into his. He gave me a startled look.
I smiled. “I thought it was more than nice too,” I said. What was a little white lie in the grand scheme of things? Kieran was clearly the better choice.
Chapter Nine
I awoke in Kieran’s arms. We were both zipped inside a sleeping bag that we’d gotten from the back of the Subaru. The morning breeze lifted my hair off of my bare shoulders. I opened my eyes, looking up at the morning sky, the grass and trees. I had done it again.
I shifted, maneuvering myself on to my back. How had this happened? Right, we were going to talk and we wanted to sit down, so Kieran suggested getting the sleeping bag. But I hadn’t been interested in talking, I’d just wanted to kiss Kieran more. I guess I was afraid if we talked, he might realize that I wasn’t sure how I felt about him at all.
Of course, a perfect reaction to a feeling like that was to have sex with him again. Damn it.
Kieran was only the fourth guy I’d ever had sex with. Besides Jason, I’d had a couple drunken hookups in college. Just like Kieran should have been. Nothing but a drunken hookup. That would have made things so much easier.
It wasn’t that I was a fan of one night stands in general or didn’t think that sex was better in a committed relationship with a person you loved. I thought that stuff. It was just that I had felt very, very deeply for Jason when we’d been together. It hadn’t been that long of a relationship, but it had been very intense. We went through scary stuff together. Our lives were in danger half of the time. Everything about our relationship had been frantic and extreme. I killed for him. I would have died for him. And even though I couldn’t be in a relationship with him anymore, it didn’t mean that it was easy to start another one.
Even now. I gazed at Kieran’s sleeping face. I liked him. I liked the way he made me feel. I liked how steady he was, and how much he cared about me. But I thought maybe something inside me was broken or something. I didn’t know if I could really love someone ever again. After the all-encompassing, forceful love I’d had for Jason, love that I’d felt with every fiber of my being, I didn’t know if anything else could ever measure up.
God. What was I doing? I was just going to screw Kieran up. Hell, I probably already had. What was I going to do?
Careful to be as quiet as possible, I unzipped the sleeping bag and slipped out of it. I found my clothes. Put them on. Darted away from Kieran to the church. I didn’t know what he’d think or how he’d feel when he woke up alone. But I couldn’t be there with him when he did. I felt too conflicted.
It was early, but Hallam was out back, piling charcoal into the grill for breakfast. He saw me approaching, but he didn’t wave or call out. I decided I’d do my walk of shame through the front of the church instead of the back. But when Hallam saw me veering towards the front door, he called me over.
I debated for a second, but I walked over to him.
“Where were you all night?” he asked, setting the charcoal bag down on the ground.
I yawned and shrugged. “I think I’m going to try to catch another hour of sleep.”
“Where’s Kieran?”
Marlena opened the back of the church and came out. She had a sweater on, buttoned tight against the morning chill. “Hallam,” she said, “she’s a grown woman. Maybe it’s none of your business.”
Sure. Fine. Except when Kieran was hating me later, it was going to screw up the entire dynamic of the whole team. I was really good at messing stuff up, wasn’t I?
Hallam’s shoulders slumped. “You’re right,” he said to Marlena. To me, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” I said, starting for the door inside.
“Hold on,” said Hallam. “I wanted to talk to you about something.” His voice sounded weary, like an old man.
I bit my lip. “Okay.”
“You really came here because you wanted to get rid of your powers?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Is this because of Jenna?” Marlena asked.
I folded my arms over my chest, trying to protect myself. I could hardly think about that, let alone talk about it. “It’s because of a lot of things,” I said. “If you think about the
consequences of my magic, it’s never really positive.”
Hallam sighed. “I’m not going to argue with you about that. You seem convinced that it’s true.
But I have to admit the fact you want to get rid of your magic is disturbing, both to me and to the OF. I felt the need to radio headquarters about it.”
My heart sank. This wasn’t good. Headquarters was going to be pissed.
“They want you and Kieran to report to D.C. immediately. You’re to leave as soon as you can pack your stuff,” said Hallam.
Oh. Okay. Right. Why was it that everything in my life got worse and worse no matter what I did? I was only trying to make things better for everyone. Why couldn’t anyone see that?
Marlena came close and put her arm around me. “I’m sorry,” she said.
I leaned against her for a second. Comfort was nice, even if I didn’t deserve it. “It’s okay,” I told her.
“For what it’s worth,” Hallam said, “I can’t imagine what a burden this all must be for you. We expect a lot from you, Azazel. I’m sorry that your young life has been so harrowing. I’m sorry that Jason has become what he’s become. I’m sorry that you have to carry the responsibility for the deaths of all the men in the Sons. It’s not fair, and if I were you, I don’t know that I could bear it either.”
I moved away from Marlena. “I can handle it,” I said. “It’s not that.”
“Listen,” said Marlena, “what happened with Jenna…you can’t know if what you did worsened the situation or not. Babies cry, Azazel. How would Mina and Chance have known she wasn’t just colicky?”
I’d heard this argument before, from my own brother, his eyes red-rimmed with tears. I didn’t want to hear it now. “Chance is okay, isn’t he?” I asked. “I mean, you haven’t heard anything otherwise?”
“No,” said Hallam. “I suppose you can see him while you’re in D.C.”
“Yeah,” I said. My brother had been taken into what might be called protective custody after the lights had gone out, but I didn’t think it was so bad. He was allowed to come and go as he pleased. Mostly, anyway. There wasn’t a lot of coming and going in a world where there was very little transportation. He was safe. That was the important thing. It had been one of my conditions before I even considered working with the OF. Chance had to be safe. As for Mina, his ex-girlfriend, with whom he’d had a child, well, we hadn’t heard from her since the funeral.
We’d heard rumors she’d gone out west. I hoped so. I hoped she was clear of this disaster, safe somewhere where televisions still worked.
I rubbed my face. “I’ll start packing.” But as I started towards the church door again, I saw Kieran making his way towards us, the sleeping bag balled up under one arm. I wanted to run inside and avoid him, but I was going to be spending another long, uncomfortable car ride with him. What was the point?
He didn’t look happy. He stopped next to the three of us, shifting the sleeping bag to another arm.
“Headquarters ordered us to come to D.C.,” I said by way of greeting.
Kieran’s eyes widened in surprise.
“I told them that Azazel wants to purge herself of power,” Hallam explained.
Kieran shrugged. “Well, I guess that would do it.” He shot a look at me. I looked away. “We need to leave right away?”
“As soon as you’re packed,” said Hallam.
“Better get packing,” said Kieran. He went into the church. I followed him.
We didn’t have a lot of packing to do. Mostly, we shoved our clothes into our packs. We stuck those in the Subaru, along with the sleeping bag we’d used the night before. Kieran unhooked the motorboat we’d pulled with us from Georgia. They’d need it if they ever got a chance to cross the river. And during all of this, Kieran and I said next to nothing to each other.
We stood outside the church, surveying the Subaru and the motorboat.
“I’ll go say goodbye to Hallam and Marlena,” I said.
“We should talk,” said Kieran.
“We’ll be stuck in a car together for a few days,” I said.
Kieran took me by the elbow and dragged me away from the church, back down the road where we’d kissed last night. Once we were out of earshot of anyone inside, he stopped. He took two steps back from me, so that we were facing each other. He glanced at me, then glanced down at the road. He jammed his hands into his pockets.
I wondered if he was going to say anything.
Kieran took a deep breath, started to speak, then stopped. He tilted his head back. His hair was down. It hung free around his shoulders. Little strands of it glinted golden in the sun.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“No, this is my fault,” he said. “I miss my family, and I have tried to turn you into something that you aren’t.”
“Kieran, I should never have slept with you again. I was—”
He held his hand up. “Stop.”
I gulped down the rest of my words. I nodded.
“Okay,” he said, tapping his foot and looking everywhere but at me, “when you told me you might be pregnant, at first I was really scared. And then, for a little bit, I was angry, because I didn’t think this should be happening to me. I didn’t want any of that. I felt like I barely knew you. Hell, I still barely know you.”
“I’m sorry.”
He waved his arms in my face. “No, seriously, don’t say anything, okay?”
I nodded again, wondering where he was going with this.
He steadied himself and took another long breath. “Okay, so I was pissed. But then, I started thinking about everything, and I started to feel like maybe it was going to be okay, because this was, like, I don’t know, a replacement. For what I lost. And that I should embrace it.”
A replacement?
Kieran rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. “Right after the lights went out, everything started to get pretty hairy where I lived in Chicago. There were gangs and lootings and stuff pretty much right away. And my family got caught up in the cross-fire. These guys were drunk or on some kind of messed-up drugs. I don’t know. But they broke into our apartment.”
He stopped, seemingly unable to finish what he was going to say. He shifted on his feet and changed tactics. “I’d been at school, you know, when it broke out. My senior year. I was studying to be a phys ed teacher. But then the lights went out and they closed the dorms, and even though I was living on campus, it just seemed like I should go to be with my family. So I did.
“I hadn’t been there for very long. Maybe a few days. My little sister—well, she wasn’t so little anymore. She was sixteen. She was pretty, and we were just kind of getting to the point where we didn’t get on each other’s nerves so much. Like, we could tell that at some point soon, we could be friends, because we’d both be adults. Her name was Angie. I never realized how much I loved her. I don’t know if I ever told her I loved her. Her whole life, I don’t know if I ever once said that. But I did love her. So, so much.
“And my parents. They got on my nerves sometimes, but they were good, solid people. I depended on them. When those guys broke into our apartment, wanting whatever it was they wanted from us—I guess our food. Our TV. Any money we had. When they did that, I’d never seen my dad look so afraid. And I was afraid too. We didn’t put up a struggle. None of us. We didn’t fight them. They had guns. It probably would have been stupid, I guess. I thought, you know, that they’d just take what they wanted and then leave.”
Kieran was talking to his hands now. His head was bowed. “And at first, it seemed like that’s what they were doing. They were filling up these pillow cases with all our stuff, and they were cleaning us out. We were all sitting in the corner, like they’d told us to. One of them was making these comments about Angie, like how much of a hottie she was and other stuff. It was vulgar. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to rip him to shreds, but…
“I didn’t do anything,” he bit out fiercely. “I just sat there. And I watched. And he…”
But Kieran kept going. His voice was getting tighter as he talked. He sounded so angry. “I watched them rape her. And when my father tried to do something about it, they shot him in the head. And when I tried to do something, they shot my mother too.”
I put my hand to my mouth, too horrified to say anything.
“They left Angie and me. But Angie was so upset and hurt and I didn’t have anywhere to take her. I didn’t know what to do. Later that night, she started, like, bleeding, and I tried to get her to a hospital or to those rescue shelters they had then. The ones that existed for a while. But she didn’t make it. She just bled and bled and bled and then…” He took a shuddering breath. “And then she was dead.”
I reached for him, but he stepped back, out of my grasp. “I’m sorry,” I murmured. It wasn’t enough, but it was all I could say.
Kieran swallowed hard, and his jaw tensed. He wouldn’t look at me. “I’m telling you this, because I hated myself for not protecting them. And I joined the OF, so that I could learn, you know, to be stronger. But I wasn’t letting anyone that close anymore. Then, you told me that maybe I was having a baby. And I thought that this was my chance to redeem myself. Like, if I could protect you and if I could protect that baby, then maybe it would make up for the way I failed my family. Then maybe I could forgive myself.”
I didn’t say anything. I wanted to hug him maybe, or touch his arm, but I didn’t know if I should, not after the way I’d just abandoned him in the sleeping bag that morning.
Kieran fidgeted with his hands, unsure of what to do with them. “That’s why I pushed so hard for us to be together. It wasn’t fair to you.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. I was basically using you.”
I blinked hard, trying to process all of this. First Kieran told me a long, horrific story that should qualify him for hours and hours of counseling, during which the counselor would eventually just give him some pills and tell him everything would be fine. (I know this. I shot my best friend in the head and the counselor wrote me a prescription. Seriously.) Then Kieran somehow made this an excuse for his actions. Then, he somehow decided his actions were bad and that he had hurt me in some way. The guy was even more screwed up in the head than I was. All I could say was,
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