V.J. Chambers - Jason&Azazel Apocalypse 01

by The Stillness in the Air

  “Because of the solar flare.”

  “Because of who I am and what I choose to do. I work for the OF, and I have always used my abilities to protect others. Protection means neutralizing threats. That’s the way things are. I believe that because of what I do, others are able to live lives without violence. It’s a sacrifice I make for others.”

  Right. Okay. Sure. But I’d made all my sacrifices for the sake of Jason, and now he wasn’t worth sacrificing for. Now, I wasn’t sure why I was doing any of this. Did I even really care about other people? I didn’t want them to die, so that must mean something.

  “Your connection with Jason makes you the only person who can fight him effectively,” said Lily, putting down the pencil. “But your anger towards him rules you. It makes you erratic. It makes you doubt yourself. You need to forgive Jason.”

  I snorted. Now I got up. I wasn’t listening to this. I headed for the door.

  Lily intercepted me. “Why does the mere thought of forgiving Jason make you run for the door?”

  I tried to duck around her, but she grasped my arm. “I can’t forgive him. He doesn’t deserve it.”

  “We forgive for ourselves, not for others.”

  “If I forgive him, it makes everything okay.”

  “No. If you forgive him, it means you accept that he is the way he is, and that you don’t allow his actions to wound you anymore.”

  I knitted my eyebrows together. “That’s not a way I’ve heard forgiveness described before.”

  She released my arm. “It’s a good definition, I think.” She smiled at me. “Azazel, tell me why you fight Jason?”

  I was taken aback. I didn’t know if I’d ever thought about it before. “Because he’s keeping us from going west,” I said finally. “I mean, that’s why we’re here.”

  “You think it’s important to get west?” she asked.

  Of course I did. “We need to get help. We need to restore power. Yes, I think it’s important.” My stomach was still feeling unsettled. I kind of wanted to get out of there, and not just because she was making me uncomfortable with her questions.

  “So,” she said, “you do believe what we are doing matters?”

  Was she deaf? “Yes.”

  “We’re not just inconsequential flies, easily brushed aside?”

  Flies? Like my dreams. “What did you say?”

  “I mean, what we do matters, that’s all. If you think that, then you have to ask yourself how far you’re willing to go to make sure what matters happens. Sometimes we have to do things we find distasteful or uncomfortable in order to accomplish important things.”

  “The end justifies the means,” I muttered. Agh. I was going to throw up. I grimaced. “Um, hold on, I have to get out of here for a second.”

  I tore out of the door to the radio room, through the hallway, and out the backdoor. Bile was rising in my throat. Lily was yelling after me to come back, but I couldn’t.

  Kieran was in the yard. He looked up as I streaked out the door. “Azazel?”

  I got as far as I could outside before I couldn’t keep it back anymore. I threw up all over the lawn. Gross.

  Kieran wandered closer, patting my back. “Morning sickness?” he asked.

  Damn it.

  Marlena appeared at the back door to the church. She looked horrified. “What did you say?”

  I wiped my mouth with my hand. Kieran tried to put his arm around me, but I shoved him off.

  Marlena descended the stairs slowly. She headed over to us, shaking her head. “What did you say?” she repeated.

  “Uh…” said Kieran, “I asked her if it was morning sickness.”

  “Why would you think that?” asked Marlena. “I mean, don’t you think it would be a little soon after last night?”

  This was embarrassing. “We, um, before we came here, there was an incident,” I said.

  Marlena raised her eyebrows. “I see.” She sounded annoyed.

  “It’s going to be okay,” said Kieran.

  Marlena crossed her arms over her chest. “Oh, you think so?”

  Kieran and I exchanged a sheepish look.

  “Walk with me,” Marlena ordered.

  We did. The three of us walked away from the church, along the road. I was beginning to feel like I’d spent too much time having serious conversations on this road. There needed to be a different “serious conversation” spot. On second thought, maybe it would be cool if there was no more need for “serious conversations.” Fat chance of that happening, with everyone trying to make me use magic, and Jason trying to keep us from going west, and Kieran and I having a non-relationship.

  “How long have you known?” asked Marlena.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I’m a week late, and I threw up this morning. I don’t think it’s necessarily conclusive. I mean, Mina didn’t have morning sickness until way later than a week.”

  “Everyone’s different,” said Marlena. “But I don’t really know, myself. I’ve never been pregnant.” She threw her hands up in the air and talked to the sky, “Ridiculous. Hallam and I are in our late twenties and everyone else starts having babies. This is what happens from being responsible, is it?”

  Neither Kieran nor I said anything.

  “You shouldn’t have kept this from us,” said Marlena.

  “But I’m not even sure yet,” I said. “I’ve been looking all over for a pregnancy test, but I haven’t been able to find one.”

  “Azazel and I are working through this on our own,” said Kieran. “It’s kind of complicated, but I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business.”

  “Not our business?” Marlena couldn’t believe him. “We’re sending a pregnant woman on dangerous missions, places where bullets are flying at her. We can’t do that. No, Azazel, you’re going to have to go back to D.C., now.”

  “I thought we needed her magic,” said Kieran.

  Marlena covered her face with her hands.

  “Look,” said Kieran, “I’m looking out for her. And she’s tough. She can take care of herself. It will be okay.”

  Marlena shook her head. “No, if something happened to that baby, it would be a disaster.”

  “Hey,” I said, “maybe there’s not a baby, huh?”

  “But what if there is?” asked Marlena.

  “Then we’ll deal with it,” said Kieran. “We can do that.”

  “You’re going to send her out to fight against Jason when she’s nine months pregnant?” said Marlena.

  “You think we’re going to be here for nine months?” I said. God, I hoped not. All told, this whole pregnancy thing just sounded like a huge pain in the ass. Why me?

  “Well, maybe not,” said Marlena, “but you definitely won’t be coming west with us if you’re pregnant.”

  “I wasn’t planning on it,” I said. “You guys are the scouting team. I work in suppression of riots, or did you forget?”

  “This is a disaster,” said Marlena.

  “Tell me about it,” I said.

  “It’s not a disaster,” said Kieran. “It’s good. It’s beautiful. Is no one besides me excited about the prospect of there being a baby?”

  Marlena and I both looked at him. “No,” we both said.

  “Jesus,” said Kieran, running his hands through his hair. “This is going to be fine. It’s going to work out. People have been having babies since the dawn of time. It can’t be that big of a deal.”

  “I still say that we shouldn’t freak out until we know for sure,” I said.

  “But how can we know for sure?” asked Kieran.

  “A pregnancy test,” said Marlena. “They don’t have any in Columbus, but I bet you might find one in Clinton.”

  “Clinton?” I asked.

  “It’s not far from here. You and Kieran could drive there tomorrow. I’m sure they have drug stores there. You should be able to find one, and then we’ll know,” said Marlena.

  Perfect. I nodded. “Yes,” I said. “We’re going.”<
br />
  “Okay,” said Kieran.

  “I just have to figure out what to tell Hallam about why you’re going,” said Marlena. “If he thought you were pregnant, he would flip out.”

  Like he didn’t flip out about everything I did, anyway. But whatever.

  * * *

  The rest of the day passed without incident. I never finished my conversation with Lily, because I told her I was sick. Since I was sick, everyone thought I should lie down for a while, and I did feel a little tired. I realized that since Kieran and I had been busy the night before, I really hadn’t gotten much sleep. I napped away the afternoon. Kieran came in to wake me up for dinner. It was late afternoon. The inside of my sleeping area was lit up with golden light and shadows. Kieran crawled in next to me and shook me gently. I opened my eyes slowly, and I was happy that he was the first thing I saw.

  I reached up to stroke his cheek.

  He smiled at me.

  This thing between Kieran and me was totally weird, but I kind of liked it.

  “It’s time for dinner,” Kieran said softly.

  I yawned and propped myself up on my elbows.

  “You were tired, huh?” he asked me.

  “Yeah,” I said. I felt better now, though. Much more rested. And my stomach didn’t feel icky at all anymore. This pregnancy thing was all going to be a scare and then everything was going to be fine.

  “Do you think that’s a sign?” he asked.

  Damn it. I hadn’t thought so. But Mina had definitely been tired a lot in the beginning. She’d slept constantly. Crap. “Maybe,” I said.

  Kieran chuckled. “You really don’t want to be pregnant, do you?”

  “No,” I said, pushing myself up into a sitting position. “You don’t want me to be, do you?”

  He turned away from me a second, grinning. “I don’t know. Sure, it would be inconvenient. It would be hard. But, it would kind of be neat, don’t you think?” He looked back at me.

  I rolled my eyes, but I was still smiling. “Neat, how?”

  He leaned close to me. “Just that it would be parts of us. Both of us. And it would be cool, watching it grow up and learn to talk and walk and stuff.”

  I shoved him playfully. “It?”

  “Him,” he said.

  I shoved him again, harder. “Him?!”

  “Her?” he said, laughing.

  “Better,” I decided.

  “You want a girl?”

  I didn’t want a baby at all, but Kieran was making me think about it. Here inside the enclave of sheets, in this lazy, warm light, I felt like we were cocooned somewhere away from the world.

  Here, crazy things were possible. “Maybe a girl,” I said. I envisioned it. Baby clothes. Ribbons.

  A pudgy hand in mind. The weight of a squirming, giggling baby in my arms. Kieran was right.

  There was something about it that was…neat. I poked him. “But I guess a boy would be okay too.”

  “Just okay?” he said.

  I laughed. “More than okay.”

  Kieran kissed me.

  I was startled.

  He looked abashed. “Sorry. I know we never got to have that really long conversation in the car getting to know each other.”

  “It’s okay,” I said. I put my hand on his shoulder. He had very nice shoulders, quite broad. Under my fingers, he felt solid and firm. My hand trailed down over his shoulder, onto his arm, where I felt his biceps through his shirt.

  Kieran’s fingers grazed my throat, sending shivers down my back.

  I scooted closer to him, placing my other hand on his other shoulder. I explored his back with my fingers, all the flawless, smooth muscle of him.

  Kieran made a noise in the back of his throat.

  Our lips met again. He urged my mouth open with his tongue.

  I crushed myself against his chest.

  His arms went around me, at first lightly dancing over my hips, then urgently pulling me closer.

  I felt it again, the liquid warmth. Kieran made me feel so good, and not in a scary way. My heart wasn’t thudding away in my chest. I wasn’t hyperventilating or sweating. Instead, he was relaxing and protective. I could stay here in the circle of his arms for a very, very long time.

  Eventually, though, our kiss broke.

  Our faces lingered close to each other.

  “I don’t know,” I murmured, “I think since it’s the apocalypse, we might have to teach our little girl or guy to shoot a gun before they learn to walk.”

  Kieran laughed. “Come on. Hallam and Marlena will go west and bring back the lights.

  Everything will be okay after that.”

  “Yeah,” I said. I laid my head on Kieran’s shoulder. His arms held me close.

  “So,” Kieran said into my hair, “what is going on here between the two of us?”

  “I don’t know,” I told his shoulder, “but it’s nice.”

  * * *

  When Kieran and I showed up at dinner holding hands, Marlena shot us a murderous look. We stopped holding hands. As we ate, I watched him, talking easily to others around him. I did like Kieran. I really did. I couldn’t say it was anything like love, exactly, not yet, but maybe there was hope for that. In some ways, maybe it was good that I’d seen Jason with that redhead this morning. It had set me free in a way that I hadn’t known I needed to be set free. I hadn’t really thought there was any part of me that was still attached to Jason, but when I’d seen the two of them together, it had hurt me.

  Still, it was good. Because now I knew that Jason was really gone. He’d moved on. Somehow, knowing that, it made it okay for me to do it too. Whatever happened, I wanted to see how things could be with Kieran. I’d never been with someone who was just a nice guy before. It might turn out to be a very nice change.

  We grinned at each other over our plates of food, like the two of us shared a secret that no one else could possibly fathom. And that was a nicer feeling than I thought I’d felt in a very long time.

  Chapter Eleven

  I was sleeping, a beautiful dreamless sleep like I hadn’t had in a long time, when a rough hand shook me awake. It was Gus. “They’re here,” he said.

  I fumbled in the darkness for my gun and was on my feet in minutes.

  Everyone in the room was in the same position as me. We crept out into the hallway, where we were met by Hallam and Marlena, both still with mussed hair and bleary eyes.

  “We heard shots,” said Hallam. “Jason’s people are here. They’re retaliating against us for what happened today.”

  Hallam sent us all to the windows first.

  I was assigned to one of the busted stained glass windows in the sanctuary. I knelt beside it, and peered out, gun first. Outside, I saw nothing but dark foliage and stillness. There was nothing there. I waited. They must be hiding, waiting to ambush us.

  We all waited. Ten minutes went by. Twenty.

  Hallam came into the sanctuary. He tagged me, Kieran, and a few others. We were to go out the back door and spread out, looking for intruders.

  “Don’t engage,” Hallam said. “You see them, you get back here immediately. Got it?”

  We nodded.

  Hallam looked at me. “Azazel, can’t you use your magic to find them?”

  I shook my head. “It doesn’t work quite like that. I have to know where they are before I can touch their minds.”

  “Fine,” he said. He sent us out.

  Outside, the stars glittered above us, serene in their stationary positions. They didn’t care whether the whole world was at war or not. If all of us were gone, the stars would still shine down. Actually, that wasn’t true, was it? Hadn’t I heard somewhere that the stars we saw were actually already burned out? It took so many light years for their light to travel to us that by the time we saw them, they were all already dead.

  But I wasn’t supposed to be thinking about stars. I was supposed to be looking for Jason’s people. We divvied up directions and each of us set off in a separate one. I
headed down the road in the direction of Columbus-Belmont park. I stayed close to the line of trees on one side of the road, hugging the shadows. I didn’t see anyone. At all.

  I walked for thirty minutes, past the park entrance, covering as much ground as I could. I still didn’t see anyone. I headed back. No one on the way back either.

  I could see the church when I heard the sounds of footsteps on the road. I darted behind some trees for cover and watched. At first, I could see nothing more than shadowy figures, but as they approached, I was able to see the people more clearly. They weren’t from Jason’s camp. They had packs on their backs like backpackers and they were shrouded in hooded sweatshirts. Two of the figures were smaller, their hands reaching up to hold the hands of their…parents? It was a family. They looked like they’d been traveling for a long time.

  A hand came down on my shoulder. I jumped and whirled, surprised.

  Jason.

  He was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans. He gave a sheepish half grin. “They’re coming,” he said.

  Don’t engage , said Hallam’s voice in my head.

  But I stayed where I was, not moving away from him, like his body was a magnet. Like I couldn’t stop myself.

  “Azazel,” he said. I could see that he was holding a bottle of moonshine. It was nearly empty.

  Had he drunk the entire thing himself? Surely not. He’d be passed out by now.

  But Jason was definitely drunk. He staggered on his feet, weaving in and out. This wasn’t an attack. I didn’t think it was, anyway. Why would Jason come to our camp drunk?

  “I’m a little drunk,” Jason slurred.

  No shit. I glared at him. “I should shoot you now and be done with it.”

  Jason sat down hard on the ground. He grunted. He patted the grass next to him. “Sit down with me.”

  Why did I do it? I don’t know. Maybe I was just too curious. Why was Jason here, trashed out of his mind, wanting to talk to me? I sat down.