by Cassy Roop
“It doesn’t have to end, Nicola. You know now what triggers these emotions you are feeling. Use that information to carry on.”
Even as he said the words I could tell he didn’t mean them. I smiled inwardly because he knew that carrying on meant me fucking other men for money. My occupation would see to that. I stood up out of the seat and walked around to his side of the desk. He sat completely still, nothing moving but his head and eyes that were glued to me. My tight, black pencil skirt showcased my curves and the cream form-fitting sweater I wore accentuated my breasts. The thigh high boots that adorned my feet made me taller, giving me a confidence boost. I wasn’t naive. I knew I was pretty. I had been told my entire life how beautiful I was, by both men and women alike.
I could feel his stare as he swiveled in his chair when I walked past him to the framed documents on the wall, scanning all of his achievements hanging and on display for all too see.
“Have you ever wanted something so bad that you felt almost desperate to have it?” I asked as I ran my fingertips across the glass of his PhD certificate. “Imagine one of those things you want was your own feelings. Your own emotions, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t turn them on. You can’t cause a stir within yourself to flip the switch that turns everything on. You get to watch others around you feel love, passion, excitement, and even pain, yet all you feel is nothing. I’m a blank canvas, doctor. Untouched and impassive. Bare of any color or vivid hue that could turn it into something truly beautiful.”
“Nicola, you are beautiful.”
“Cut the shit, Andris,” I said, turning around to look at him. He sat with one leg across his knee as his other bounced unceremoniously on the floor, his fingers clasped in his lap.
“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it. I can go all day feeling deadpan and expressionless, but the second I am with you and Link, it’s like someone has taken a huge amount of beautiful colors and splattered them all over my blank canvas. Instantly it comes to life—I come to life. I feel human, normal for once in my life.”
He only nodded slightly as I slowly approached him and sank down onto my knees in front of him. Placing my hands on his thighs, I absorbed the feel of his tight muscles beneath the palms of my hands as I slowly ascended them up towards his torso. I was affecting him just as much as he was affecting me, as he worried his jaw and his clasped fingers became fists in his lap.
“Nicola,” he said in warning, his voice just loud enough to sound stern, but still soft enough to be classified as a whisper. “You have no idea what you are getting yourself into.”
“Oh, but I do, doctor. I also know that this can’t stop. I need it to continue.”
My hands met the hardness of his abs and I could feel the ridged lines of his muscles through the fabric of his shirt. I had never seen him naked, but I didn’t need to see him to know that he was cut beneath his clothes. I spread my fingers along his chest and he removed his foot from his knee, allowing me to nestle between his legs. I witnessed my effect on him as his cock grew with arousal and he swallowed audibly. My heart was beating frantically in my chest and I could feel it in my fingers as they splayed on his pecs. I fingered one of the buttons on his shirt before I smoothed my hands along his jaw. I leaned in closer, desperate to get a taste of his mouth. Our lips were only a breath away when I noticed something on his collar.
It was pink.
The same pink that fucking Barbie Cardinelli had on.
I moved his collar to the side and noticed the same hue across his neck.
That was why he was so nervous when I came in.
I pushed back from him so abruptly that I landed flat on my ass. He must have registered the heat in my eyes and could tell it was no longer heat of arousal. He lifted a hand up to his neck and wiped gently before pulling it away and looking at it.
“Shit.”
I scrambled to my feet and rounded the desk before he had a chance to even get up from the chair. This was certainly a new feeling I was experiencing. Jealousy was an ugly son-of-a-bitch and I didn’t like it.
Not at all.
If I thought the good feelings I had with him were overwhelming, then this one was a fucking powerhouse.
“Nicola, wait,” he stated sternly as I made my way to fetch my purse on the floor. He reached me before I had the time to grab it and haul ass out of there.
“Will you just wait one goddamn second?” He growled as he grabbed ahold of both of my arms and spun me around to face him. “It’s not what you think.”
“Oh really? So it’s completely normal for you to be wearing that horrid shade of lipstick on your neck then? Honestly, I didn’t take you for a cross dresser, Andris.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I understand completely. The contract stated that I couldn’t fuck anyone else, but clearly it wasn’t the other way around. Why am I even upset by this? I’m not even in a contract with you! It’s with Link.”
“The contract is with me too.”
“But Lexie said…”
“Lexie must not have read the fine print. I have a copy if you need to see it.”
I tried to shove away from him, but his grip was too strong. The smell of his cologne was doing things to me and I needed to get away from him before I either beat the shit out of him, or fucked the hell out of him.
“Let go of me.”
“Not until you calm the fuck down.”
“Did you fuck her?”
“What?”
“Did. You. Fuck. Her.”
His silence was all the answer I needed. I attempted to pull away from him once more without success. That is when his lips crashed to mine, creating a tingling sensation in my body. It wasn’t a gentle kiss. It was rough, bruising, punishing. For a brief moment, I savored the taste of him. I melted into the curvature of his mouth, and relished in how we fit together perfectly. My head was spinning and my knees felt week. I opened my eyes when he tried to slip his tongue inside, and that was when I saw the lipstick again. I pulled back, angry that I had let myself surrender to him when I was pissed off at him. Angry that he had his lips on me only minutes after he had them all over another woman.
I reared back and slapped him across the face. I’d never been so upset that I had hit a man, or anyone for that matter, before and it had my hands coming up to cover my mouth in shock.
I needed to get out of there.
Without a backwards glance, I raced out of his office and out of the building. I don’t remember hailing a cab and riding all the way to my apartment. My head was in a jealous and confused fog. I do remember however bursting into my apartment, slamming the door and marching down the hall toward my room where I did something I had done only once or twice in my life.
I cried.
I WANTED TO CHASE after Nicola. I wanted to tell her that every time I drove into the fucking bag of bones that was Barbie Cardinelli, it was her that I was thinking of. It was her that I imagined beneath me. But I couldn’t because my next patient was due in fifteen minutes.
I knew I shouldn’t have kissed her. Especially not in my office, but I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t control the need that rose in me to show her how much I wanted her. I didn’t think I would be able to hold back anymore and watch as Link fucked her. I knew that my jealousy was becoming an issue, just as hers had reared its ugly head when she found out about Barbie. In a sick, sardonic way, it was a comfort to me because it showed that she did care. I made a woman, who had previously been void of emotions, feel something for me. It was a reward and a burden at the same time because I knew inevitably, that either Link or I would destroy her. Possibly both of us.
I made it through my next four appointments in record time. Offering solutions to the patient or just listening to their concerns. Trying to keep a clear mind and not focusing on Nicola was proving to be a difficult task. I had been so career-driven in my early life that I had no desire to settle down and have a relationship. They were just a distrac
tion from the perfection that my father, and soon myself, came to expect from me. I had dated, but nothing serious. Now that Nicola had come barreling into my life, suddenly the thought wasn’t so atrocious.
The fucked up thing about it? She was my patient. The other fucked up thing? I was just as fucked up in the head as she was. I was a conundrum, a fucking hypocrite to my own profession.
But all I knew was that I needed her. I needed to be the one to divulge in her body, to lose myself inside of her so that I could release my demons and help her release hers. I just had to get Link on board.
Andris: The car will be there at 8pm. Be ready.
I stared at that damn text message for what seemed like an hour. I never used to have to deal with this shit. I never used to get nervous, or even excited about having to see a client. But ever since the day I took over for Kiki, my head has been all sorts of fucked up.
I now wonder when he will call. I wonder what Andris and I will talk about in my sessions. I wonder how it would feel to touch Link, or what it would feel like to have Andris inside of me while Link watched.
I threw the phone onto my bed, frustration getting the better of me, and rose to go and comb through my closet to find something to wear. I was still angry, jealous, and disgusted by the fact that Andris fucked Barbie Cardinelli. If he had her on the side, then what the hell did he need me for? Technically, Link was the one who fucked and paid me for my services, even though all I did was pretty much bend over and take whatever Link gave to me.
I wanted Andris to feel some of the hurt I was feeling.
Yes. I was feeling hurt, and it fucking sucked.
It was this experience that made me want to go back into that dark place I had been in most my life. I had never imagined what this would actually feel like to experience, and I wasn’t liking it one bit. The thing is, Andris and I weren’t in a relationship. He was my damn doctor for Christ’s sake! Not once had he ever given me any reason to think that things between us would be anything but professional, even with the contract.
But I saw it in his eyes. I felt it in the heat of his body whenever we were close to each other. There was no way that I could imagine that. I never felt that with any one of my clients before. Over the years, I had fucked politicians, high profiled people, even celebrities. None of them had ever had the impact of the two men who now consumed nearly all of my thoughts.
I sorted through my collection of lingerie with new determination. Was I a bitch for wanting Andris to feel even a small amount of jealousy I was feeling? Yes, maybe, but it wasn’t going to stop me. I couldn’t go back on the terms of the contract or risk losing the money, so I was going to have to get to him the only way that I could.
Through Link.
NICOLA CAME WALKING out of her building at precisely eight o’clock. Her normally long, flowing hair was pulled up with just a few ringlets that cascaded down to frame her gorgeous face. Her makeup was minimal, more natural than I had seen before and it only aided in capturing the vastness of her beauty. My eyes raked her trench coat clad body, trying my best to use my head and imagine what it was she could be wearing underneath. My cock was instantly hard, begging to be eased of the pressure she created just from being in the same place she was. My heart beat triple time in my chest, and even though it was damn near below freezing outside, I felt sweat bead and roll down my spine.
She didn’t look in my direction, nor meet my eyes as I held the door to the town car open for her. She brushed past me, the smell of honeysuckle filtering through the air in her wake had me closing my eyes and inhaling the addicting floral scent. It took all the strength I could conjure to shut that door behind her and not follow her into the back of the car and pound the fuck out of her with my cock right there on the busy New York street.
I put the partition up between us after making sure she secured the blindfold over her eyes before I pulled out into traffic. I knew she was still angry with me. She was giving me the silent treatment and I was okay with that, because I knew that by the end of the night she would be very vocal.
Fucking butterflies danced in my belly and I gripped the steering wheel tighter as I drove through town to the apartment. Whether Link was fully on board with what I had planned for tonight, I wasn’t sure. He damned well better be because tonight, I was making Nicola mine. I would have her. I wanted it to be me who drove her to the edge. I wanted it to be me who filled her thoughts, her actions and her little pussy until she had nothing else to do but take all of me.
The drive to the apartment seemed to take forever. Traffic was stop and go and it only made my anxiety grow as we finally reached our destination.
You’re not good enough for her, Andris. You will be a failure at fucking her and giving her pleasure, just like you fuck up everything else in your life. You are a sad excuse for a fucking human being. You will never be good enough.
My father’s ghost filled my thoughts, creating the fears inside of me as he always did only this time, he was making me doubt my ability to be with Nicola. He did that whenever I got enough nerve to go after what I wanted. It was the same way his father was with him and my uncle. No one was good enough. They always saw me as this royal fuck up. Someone who didn’t have the balls to go after what he wanted in life.
Well, I was going to prove them wrong. I wanted to show them that I could have anything I wanted. I would prove to my father that I could be everything Nicola needed and more.
All I needed to do was convince myself first. Especially living in the shadows of the man who could give her what she wanted.
Pulling up to the apartment, I turned and looked up at the immaculate building. There were six apartments inside, the top two having been renovated into one large one. It was an investment I had made not long after I joined the clinic after college. It wasn’t my home, but instead my escape. It was a place of refuge whenever I was stressed or needed to vanish from life if only for a few hours. It is where I left my father’s nagging, insulting voice at the door and could be Sinclaire, the man who controlled everything and who aided Link in his own perusal of demon banishing.
I stepped from the car, my legs a little shaky due to my sudden onset of nerves. This would be the first time that I would be the one fucking the woman, not Link. I was such a fucking hypocrite. I always prided myself on doing the right thing, yet, here I was going to do something I knew was wrong. And the even sicker thing was, I didn’t give a fuck. My need to be inside her overpowered my need to strive for perfection. It was honestly the first time in my life I had ever felt that way.
Back in the office, Nicola had told me that Link and I helped her. That we managed to bring forth her vacant feelings. Well, I had to say that it went both ways. When I was around her, I didn’t feel like I had to be perfect. I didn’t have to be flawless or spotless, but instead I could be myself. I could feel natural without thinking I had to try so hard. She calmed me, soothed me in ways I could never describe. She subdued and tranquilized my demons as well as the haunting inner dialogue, my long dead father, insisted on having in my thoughts.
I stepped out of the car and into the cold. Snowflakes melted against my skin the instant they came into contact with my face. My body was hot with desire, warm with the knowledge of what was going to occur upstairs and even the freezing temperature of the New York winter weather wasn’t enough to cool me down. I opened the door, reaching down to grab Nicola’s hand to help her from the car. The blindfold was securely in place and she had a firm expression of her mouth. It was tight as if she were trying to hold back from saying something to me by clenching her jaw. Since her hair was up, I watched as the snowflakes danced across her neck, chilling her and creating a pattern of goose bumps on her skin.
We walked up the stairs and into the warmth of the building. She walked with grace. Even though she had never been in the building without the blindfold, she knew exactly how many steps there were to the elevator. She knew how many taps of her heels it was to the door of the apartment, and she k
new how many strides it took her to get to the bed in the center of the room.
“Would you like a drink?” I asked as I poured myself a large tumbler of dark whiskey, taking a large draw from the glass and appreciating the burn in my throat and my belly. I walked over to where she sat on the bed, her back ramrod straight and her lengthy, smooth legs crossed over one another. I held the glass to her lips, and watched as she inhaled the liquor before opening her mouth for me to allow some to pass her lips. There was something devastatingly erotic about watching her lips on the same glass that mine were on only moments ago. Even though we were both afraid to let go of our insecurities, and yes, she had them, I felt like sharing the glass with her was allowing two pieces of ourselves to unconsciously blend together.
“Where’s Link?” She asked after she swallowed, the dark amber bringing out a huskiness to her voice.
“He’ll be along shortly,” I lied. I had to keep up the façade, because her anger with me would probably turn to outrage if she knew that I was going to be the one who would be fucking her tonight.
She pulled off her jacket and laid it on the bed next to her, smoothing out imaginary wrinkles as she did. There she sat in a garnet red, silk mini-dress that exposed the garters holding up her stockings due to how short it was. The top was nearly sheer, exposing the darkened areolas of her breasts, and the pertness in her nipples through the thin fabric. I swallowed the rest of the whiskey down before setting the glass back on the table next to the decanter. Making my way over to the stereo, I picked up the headphones and turned on the system and retrieved my own headset so that I could still speak to her if I needed to, yet allow my hands to be free to roam her body.