Not Dead Yet (AM13 Outbreak Series Book 4)

by Samie Sands

  God, I miss the days when you used to take me out to dinner.

  Love you,

  Jen.

  What can I do?

  I need a purpose, I need a job here, I can’t be useless. I can’t fight, so that’s out of the question, and I can’t run either—even though Ryn keeps asking me to go with him. I just haven’t spent enough time ‘out there’ to be confident. I don’t feel ready to face it again. Just because that’s where he found me, doesn’t make me good at it. I cannot become a burden.

  So what can I do?

  Could I cook? I mean, I can a bit, but there are already loads of others on it. Could I clean? There’s sort of a washing-the-clothes system on the go. I could do that, but...well, to be honest I’d rather be doing something more heroic.

  So what?

  This shouldn’t be so hard. I shouldn’t be here tapping my pen for hours, I must have some useful skills. Could I help with the medical stuff? I have no experience, but I could...pass the tools or something. Could I cope with the blood and gore? I don’t know.

  I’ll ask Michell, she’ll have an answer for me...

  Dear Jon,

  It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m sorry about that, I feel really bad. I’ve just been so crazy busy. I have a job now, I have my role and it’s a really important one. Building weapons, well creating bullets mostly, but isn’t that awesome? I told Michell I wanted to do something productive, and she’s basically taught me a whole new skill! How incredible is that? I feel really pumped every time I head to work.

  You know, it really isn’t so bad here. If I don’t find a way back home until all of this is over—even though I’m still trying to do so—it won’t be so bad. I have my job here, I have a cool set of friends, it really could be a whole lot worse.

  Everyone has a past, everyone has people that they’re looking for, but for now we’re all just bonded together, trying to make things work. Michell still doesn’t know what happened to her wife, even though they live right nearby in Melbourne, Ryn lost his girlfriend and her son, plus his aging parents too, Brittany who builds weapons with me knows that her family is dead, but would love to get back her group of friends from before...we’re all a little broken, slightly damaged, missing some of the jigsaw pieces that make us whole, but we’re muddling though all of that because we have no choice.

  I really feel now that everything will somehow be alright.

  You know what I keep thinking about? The day you asked me out for our very first date. Even though I’d liked you for ages from afar, I was still a little shocked. Glad though, that day changed my life for the better. Without you, I don’t know who I’d be today.

  Although I’m happy to stick this nightmare out here, I still can’t wait until it’s over and I’m back in your arms. It’s been way too long, I love you and I miss you constantly.

  Soon though, I truly believe we’ll be back together soon.

  Jen.

  What now?

  Ryn. He’s dead. He’s gone. I don’t even know...I just wish...

  Jon,

  I don’t know what to think anymore, everything is falling apart. It all started a few days ago when Ryn got bit out on a run. He hid it for a while, I think he was too scared to admit it, to accept it even. Some people have judged him for that, for endangering the rest of us, but I understand. Fear makes a person do crazy things, I’m sure it isn’t easy to accept that after all the fighting you’ve done, the war is lost anyway. I just...I don’t believe he purposely wanted to hurt us, I think he always planned on telling us eventually.

  It’s a shame he didn’t get the chance to be honest, that Brittany discovered the bite for us all. I sort of knew that they were hooking up for a while, it was obvious from the intense shared looks, but now…well, now everyone knows about them. There are no more secrets.

  We all sobbed as Michell decided on banishment for Ryn. She did ask him if he wanted to be shot, put out of his misery, but weirdly he refused. He knows what’s going to happen to him, and he said no anyway, leaving us with very minimal options. Michell wanted to protect us all from him, and the only way she could think to do that was to put him out on the streets, but I begged her not to, I just couldn’t stand there and watch it happen, and by some miracle she listened to me.

  I helped her to cage him, I figured that with time we could do something. He saved me once, I wanted to return the favor.

  But he turned. It happened anyway.

  I desperately didn’t want it to, I really wanted some miracle to happen and for him to survive, but the virus bulldozed through his body regardless. It left him screaming in agony, stole his humanity, turned him into just another shell...like all the others outside. Now we have to kill him, Michell is doing it soon, and I don’t know if I can cope with that.

  What am I supposed to do now? The dream has fallen apart, I feel like the rose-tinted glasses have fallen off my face and now everything has taken on nightmarish quality to it.

  I just want to be home, I don’t want to go through this anymore.

  Please, come for me. You know where I am, have you ever thought about coming for me? I’ve been so worried about getting home that I’ve never considered you getting here.

  I can’t take it, Jon, I need you.

  Love,

  Jen.

  Jon,

  He’s gone, she shot him in front of all of us. It’s better for him, even if he didn’t ask for it, and for us too. There’s too many of them out there, we don’t want to add to that.

  But still, it doesn’t feel good.

  Any happiness I felt about this place is long gone. Now, I don’t know what to do. Right now, I don’t feel anything but sick and weak. Maybe once all that passes I’ll get the hell out of here. I’ll restart my mission to get back home.

  Love you,

  Jen.

  Conversation, as accurate as I can remember:

  Michell: None of this is as we expected, is it?

  Jen: No. No, it really isn’t. *shakes head sadly*

  Michell: What do you think we should do next?

  Jen: *temper rises* What the hell are you asking me for? Why would I even know the answer to that? Ask someone who’s been here the whole time!

  Michell: Because you’re the only one who truly knows how to be honest with me, milady. No one else was brave enough to ask me to keep Ryn here.

  Jen: *sarcastically* Yeah, and look where that got us.

  Michell: You might not realize it now, but everyone needed that. I felt utterly dreadful, afeared, when I turned him away, it wasn’t the way I wanted things to occur, but I thought it was just. You made me see things differently.

  Jen: Maybe we should have sent him away, it’s what he wanted.

  Michell: Is it? Did you see his face? He was too scared to tell us, too afraid to face death, he didn’t want to be sent out there anymore than any of the rest of us would. You saved him from that fate. Okay, I understand that he kicked the bucket anyway, but he lived out the end of his days with friends.

  Jen: *nods, not really understanding how to feel about any of this* Yeah, maybe you’re right. I suppose I would prefer to die with you guys. *really, I would rather die with family and true loved ones, but it isn’t the right moment to say that*

  Michell: Things will have to change around here, we’re going to have to be much safer. I’m going to make some plans. *gets up, walks away, leaving Jen totally confused.*

  Dear Jon,

  I think it might be time to move on, I really do. I love Michell, and the rest of them, but it isn’t the same without Ryn anymore. I’m really struggling to go on without him here. This actually feels worse than losing the group of friends I traveled to Florida with. Maybe that’s because I actually saw it happen, or because he was the glue who held us all together, I’m not totally sure. All I know for certain is that I don’t feel the same anymore. About any of it.

  God, I wish that I could send these letters to you. If I’ve ever needed your advice it’s
now. You always were the wisest person, and I could use some of that to help get me through. Do I stay here, even though I’m unhappy now? Or do I risk going out there again in search of some pipe dream that may never come true? I could end up as dead as Ryn...I don’t want that, but here just doesn’t have the same magic anymore.

  I used to wake up happy, keen to get to work, but now that doesn’t happen anymore. Now I’m just bored of all of, wanting it all to end.

  If this really is the end of the world, and life has to be this way from now on, then it’s safe to say that I’m not making the best of it! But I never wanted it to just be this, I always assumed that someone out there was working on a way to end this.

  Maybe there isn’t anyone, maybe this is it.

  If this is it, then everything needs to change.

  I don’t know, I won’t do anything rash that’s for sure. I’ll stick at it for a while, I’ll try to make the best of it, and if nothing improves, that’s when I’ll go.

  Love you,

  I wish I was with you, please know that I’m always thinking about you,

  Jen.

  Pros

  • Michell; she’s a good leader, I like her, I hate to let her down.

  • My job; I like being useful. I like making bullets.

  • Safety; there’s no denying that it’s safe here. None of the undead have gotten inside.

  • Friends; I have people that I care about here, people I trust.

  • Supplies; we haven’t run out of anything since I’ve been here. I don’t even know what it’s like to go hungry anymore.

  Cons

  • Ryn; it doesn’t feel the same without him. I don’t know if it ever will.

  • Friends; I don’t want to lose anyone else. I won’t be able to stand it.

  • Necessary; I’ve heard that the infected are dying out. Maybe I don’t need to be here anymore. Maybe if their numbers are falling, I can easily survive.

  • Home; I miss my family, I miss my home, I miss Jon, the longer I’m here the further away I am from there.

  • Misery; is there any point in staying if I’m unhappy?

  Jon,

  Is this my fault? Did I bring this on? Did I accidently wish this on everyone through my own selfish misery? Maybe that isn’t logical, but I can’t stop thinking it all the same. I spent so many hours wanting to leave, but being to afraid to do so, that maybe I made this happen just to force my own hand.

  The infected, they got through our walls. I don’t know how it happened, my mind has been reeling over the possibilities, but nothing comes to mind. Michell had the place so fortified, we never had any issues before, so what’s changed?

  Is that even important? Does it matter how it happened? Maybe it only matters that it happened. People died, lots of them. We lost so much of our group, including Brittany who I used to work with, I’ve never seen so much blood in my life, it was awful. I was frozen to the spot, stuck in one place, I would’ve ended up dead too if Michell didn’t pull me out of the way.

  Maybe that would’ve been better. My heart aches so much that I actually wish I had been killed.

  Now, there’s only a few of us left, and we’ve lost a lot of our airfield too. With some quick thinking, we managed to barricade off a little bit of it just for us, but it’s really difficult to remain hearing the constant moaning and groaning of the infected just outside. They could crash through this at any given moment, so we’re all afraid, and although no one is talking about it, I think we’re all acutely aware that some of them could be people we know.

  I think this is a sign that I need to break away from these people. The bonds I’ve built up run so deep, I need to be by myself. I need to leave before I’m forced to see anyone else die. I’m just going to worry about getting home now. At least then it won’t feel like I’m abandoning everyone, I’ll just be returning to my original position.

  Expect me home soon.

  Maybe just don’t expect me to be who I once was...at least, at first.

  Love,

  Jen.

  Jon,

  What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I too afraid to leave? I know what I want to do, what I need to do, but I can’t seem to take that step. It was scary when I left the hotel, but I did it anyway. What happened to the bigger person I was becoming...?

  Jen.

  To Jon,

  Oh my God, I can’t believe what just happened. I don’t even know how to write it down. Michell saw what I was writing, I guess she must have been looking over my shoulder as I frantically scribbled—which is understandable since we have absolutely no space here—and she went crazy at the idea of me leaving this place.

  She did it in a really nice way, she treated me with such respect, but still I could tell that I hurt her. I guess she’s just as frightened to lose me as I am everyone else. I never wanted that to happen, after all Michell has done for me, I didn’t ever want to upset her, but I have.

  Oh, now I feel really bad, it’s making me doubt absolutely everything. I feel like maybe I want to stay for a while longer just for her, but I still don’t at the same time. I want to be home. I need to be with you. You’re my priority, you always have been.

  Again, what the hell is wrong with me? When did I become so indecisive? Didn’t I used to be good at the hard stuff? I always thought of myself as strong...but now I’m faced with the biggest dilemma ever and I really don’t know what to do.

  Help me, for the love of God! Give me some answers, give me a sign. Someone let me know what I should do.

  Yours forever,

  Jen.

  To Jon,

  I’m doing it, I’m going. I’m leaving all of it behind. I woke up in the middle of the night to see the guy on duty asleep, so I took advantage and I ran away. I’m glad I did it as a spur of the moment thing, I don’t think that I ever would’ve worked up the confidence otherwise. Indecision plagued me constantly and stopped me from being smart.

  Running off stripped my brain of the chance to talk myself out of it.

  Now, I’m not totally sure where I am, this area is totally unfamiliar to me, but it feels good. I think this is a positive step, so I’m glad that I made it. I’m headed towards home now, back to you, and that’s got to be a good thing. Hanging out with a load of strangers while I wait for the worst disaster to ever happen to humanity to end is silly. This might never blow over, and I can’t stay here forever.

  I need to figure out where I am, work out where the nearest airport is, and see what I can do from there.

  This is good, this is the most positive that I’ve felt in ages, so I’m rolling with it. I’m using it to drive me forwards, and hopefully it’ll take me exactly where I need to go.

  I’ll see you soon. Keep waiting for me, it won’t be long!

  Love you, can’t wait to see you beautiful face again, just thinking about having you next to me is keeping me going,

  Jen.

  Jon,

  Okay, I’m not gunna lie, this is working out trickier than I thought it was going to be. I assumed that once I got going I wouldn’t be able to stop, but now...now I’m facing too many obstacles, it’s starting to get me down.

  I mean, why is it so hard to find an airport with a pilot and a plane? Why can’t someone just take me back home? I know it’s unrealistic to expect everything to fall into place, but it’s frustrating too. I’d love it if just something could work out for me, you know? I don’t think I’ve been a bad person as such, when is any of that good karma supposed to come back around because now I could use it more than ever.

  Who knows, maybe you’re facing similar issues. Maybe you’re in Michigan somewhere, trying to hitch a ride out here to get to me. Maybe you’re doing the smart thing and looking for a car. I’m starting to think that might be easier...although I don’t know the way and I’m not totally confident driving that far. It’s got to be more realistic than what I’m hoping for at any rate.

  Yeah, that’s a good idea actually, maybe that�
�s what I’ll do…

  Be right back!

  Love,

  Jen.

  Dear Jon,

  I have been checking cars, trying to find one with keys and gas, not with any luck as yet, but I’ll keep trying. Who knows, maybe we’ll cross each other along the way and be back together before we know it. Argh, I just can’t stop thinking about you, I can’t stop wishing that I was with you, I can’t stop hating everything that keeps us apart. We were always together, we practically lived in each other’s pockets, which makes this forced separation ever harder. It isn’t like we’re struggling through some stupid long-distance relationship thing, because we can’t even speak to each other. It’s almost like we just don’t exist in each other’s worlds anymore.

  This stupid damn virus...it makes me so mad! I haven’t stopped to think about it before now, but how did it even happen? Where did it come from? I know there have been instances of illnesses spreading like wildfire in the past, but nothing like this. And I’ve never seen a disease do this sort of thing to people. I just sort of accepted it as reality, but now I’m wondering why. It’s unreal, really, it’s mad.

  Anyway, just know I’m still trying.

  Love you a million,

  Jen.

  What caused this?

  • Parasites - isn’t there some sort of toxo...toxoplasmosa, or something, that could cause something like this? I’m sure I watched a documentary on it at some point. I just never thought that would become my reality.

  • Man-Made - someone could have created this, not that I’d like to believe that. I don’t know why anyone would want this to happen, but you never know. People can be evil, I suppose.

  • Airborne - some sort of virus-y type thing? Maybe? I don’t know. I’ve only reached two and I’m already starting to run out of ideas.

  • Poison - it is transferred through bites, maybe someone accidently set this off.