by Samie Sands
“Who?” I growl, pumping my fists angrily by my side. I decide to focus on the part of me that’s full of rage because I don’t want any vulnerability to show right now—not even to the person I spent most of my life being closest to. “Why?”
“A...as far as I can work out, she stumbled across some of Hachiro’s guys.”
Hachiro...damn Hachiro.
I can’t for the life of me work out what his problem is, it really seems to be some sort of personal vendetta against me, even though I haven’t actually done anything to deserve it. I never wanted any of this to happen, I don’t want to be stuck in a foreign country without my family or friends, I don’t want to be leading people I don’t really know, I just want...well, I want life to be back to normal again, but of course that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Until it does, this is how we have to live, hiding away in the shopping center until life turns back around.
Yet Hachiro seems to want to turn it into some sort of war between the people left living. Doesn’t he realize that we have a much more important enemy to fight?
“And according to the note left with her body, you sent in a whole bunch of Shinda onto his grounds.”
“Argh, that’s such an excuse,” I snap back, temper bubbling away inside of me. I pace the room, slapping my feet against the wooden floor noisily. “He knows for a fact that I don’t mess about with the undead, we kill them, we move on, that’s it. He just wants this base, I reckon, and it doesn’t look like he’ll stop at anything to get it.”
It has to be that, what else can it be? It certainly can’t pre-date the outbreak because I was only here for a couple of months, I barely knew anyone.
Such a short time to admire the awesome culture I’ve spent my whole life admiring...
“What will you do?”
As I snatch the crumpled up piece of paper from Callie’s hand, she cowers back from me, as if she doesn’t know which way my mood is going to swing. That’s fair enough, I never know either. I was never a terribly rational person, in fact, bubbly, over-excitable, and always unpredictable were the words most used to describe me, but now I have a pressure on my shoulders, now I have people who rely on me. I have to be smart and sensible, I simply can’t let emotions get in the way.
“It’s getting to the stage where we’ll have to fight the living,” I shrug my shoulders, acting as blasé as I can manage about the whole thing, but insides are swirling, falling, really losing it. “I don’t want to, I never wanted it to come to this, but what else can we do? No one will take losing Suni well. Everyone adored her.”
Everyone adored her...what if this makes them hate me?
I can’t blame them if they do, right now I hate me. How could I have let this happen? I knew Hachiro was becoming a problem, but I ignored him as if he was nothing more than a pest. I figured he’d throw his weight around for a bit, try and stir up trouble, before realizing that the enemy was the undead army shuffling around the streets. What’s the point in fighting me, when we have a much worse threat to our lives? We don’t bother anyone, we don’t want to harm or kill anyone, we just want to survive. Surely, we’d all be better doing that together?
Anyway, there’s no point in worrying about that now, Hachiro has crossed a line, and everyone will be looking to me for guidance. This might be the moment they realize that they made a mistake in trusting me, that I’m really just a fraud.
“Come on,” I grab Callie’s arm, forcing her to move along with me. “Let’s go. We need to tell the others.”
***
Predictably, as soon as the word is out and the translators have caught everyone up-to-date, a riot breaks out. Okay, maybe it isn’t quite as dramatic as a riot, but there’s enough screaming and yelling to make me feel sick. This shouldn’t have happened, we should not be in this situation, but we are.
“He wants Shinda, let’s give him Shinda!”
“Kare o koroshimashou!”
“Fukushū.”
I’m not totally sure what everyone’s saying, my Japanese still isn’t fully up to scratch, but it all seems to be along the lines of murder and revenge. I know that’s probably the next logical step in the lawless world, I know that’s what we have to do, I even mentioned it to Callie, but actually taking that step seems a little too much. Am I really ready to become a murderer?
Plunging a knife into the head of an undead, bashing it with a bat, even aiming and shooting a gun is one thing...they’re monsters, no longer human. Even the one’s I’ve known personally haven’t caused me any issues. They need to be put down, we’re doing them a favor.
This couldn’t be more different if it tried.
If I take this step, I won’t be the same person. If the world goes back to the way it once was, I won’t be able to survive in the same way. Then again, if I don’t take this step, then I won’t get to see what the world becomes. Plus, there’s always a chance that things won’t get better, that this is the way the world will always remain.
I guess it’s kill or be killed, but I wish it wasn’t so.
“I know we all want revenge,” I murmur sadly while others around me repeat me in Japanese. “But this isn’t the only choice. We could just move...”
But even as I say that I know it isn’t really an option. We could move and Hachiro could follow. Maybe it isn’t our home he wants, maybe it’s us. And how would we survive out on the streets anyway? They’re littered with undead, the whole city is covered with them. Apart from the runners—not all of whom have survived—we haven’t been out there and suffered it for real. By the time we get to the next place, there might not be many of us left.
We made this our home early on, I’m pretty sure everyone wants to keep it that way. Maybe we do need to defend it, it could be the right thing to do, I suppose.
“If we’re going to fight, we need to take it to Hachiro. I don’t want to sit here waiting for him, I don’t want our home trashed in the process.”
By the cheers that burst up around me, that’s the plan everyone wants to go with. I’m definitely not decided though, we’ll have to just see...
***
This is wrong, this is so, so wrong.
Everyone else is geared up to fight, to avenge Suni, except for me. Well, there are others who aren’t fully on board, but they can stay out of the battle. Callie doesn’t have to go in and fight, she can stay behind because she’ll be a hindrance rather than a help, but I’m expected to go. I’m the leader, I made this decision even if it wasn’t really the one I wanted, I have to help.
Why did any of this have to happen? Why couldn’t Hachiro just leave us alone? Why did he have to take Suni of all people? The ironic thing is it’s her advice now that I need more than ever. All I want is to speak to her, to see what she would do.
“Watashitachi wa kore no tame ni junbi ga dekite imasu, shinpaishinaidekudasai,” Tetsuo grins reassuringly at me. He wants to make me feel better, but I’m beyond that now.
“Arigatō, watashi wa anata no sapōto ga sukidesu.” I shake his hand, trying to smile back, but I don’t think there’s any way to make that go to my eyes. I can’t lie to my face however hard I try.
Tetsuo and the others, they’re all keen, eager to get to war even if they lose their lives. Maybe they’ve been preparing for something like this for a while now, or maybe they’re bored with simply getting by. Maybe this is all about the drama for them. It certainly seemed that way when I discussed other possibilities, such as meeting with Hachiro and trying to talk it through like the damn adults we are. No one likes that plan and since I don’t have the language skills to do it alone, I’m stuck.
My heart thunders, my mind races, I look around at everyone wondering who I’ll get to see again after this is over. I don’t want to lose anyone, but I can’t be naïve enough to believe that everyone will escape with their lives intact. Maybe I’ll never get to see any of them again, maybe it’ll be me that dies.
As I flick my eyes over the crowd, I see everyone staring at m
e, looking to me for answers. My eyes well up, uncertainty claims me. I’m not meant for this role, it should be one of them, any of them. Why did I even allow myself to be coerced into the leadership? I don’t even know how it happened! Now I have to take responsibility for the lives of others, and I can’t stand how that feels.
Still, they don’t want to hear any uncertainty, they don’t want any more excuses, anything other solutions, they want to avenge their friend.
“We’re doing this for Suni,” I announce quietly, causing someone to spark up a translation. “We never wanted to fight, not with the living, we just wanted to survive. But now she’s been killed and I think it’s safe to say that they’ll be coming for more of us too. We have to fight, to defend our right to be alive, to keep our home.”
I almost cringe as everyone cheers, treating my words as golden. When all of this first started, I liked being in charge, I enjoyed everyone hanging on to my every word. It felt so good to be listened to…but now I understand the magnitude of all of it. It isn’t a game anymore.
Maybe Callie has been smarter than me all along.
“So, let’s go...”
The guys have been scouting Hachiro’s camp for the last few hours, finding out everything they can. They assume he doesn’t have much since he’s living is in an old dingy bar, that he doesn’t even have many men fighting for him, which people are taking as gospel. I tried to suggest that he wouldn’t have gone after us if he didn’t have the resources to follow it through, but the general consensus is that he’s crazy.
And also that we will win.
We don’t have many guns, but we do have a lot of knives, which I don’t see as any kind of advantage. That means we need to get really close to these guys to kill them, which puts us all in danger. Maybe we will have the numbers over them, but if they are crazy that might not matter.
Everyone runs outside, buzzing with excitement, but just before I make it out the door I feel fingers knotting around my arm.
“Leigh?” I bounce a little in the air, shock making me jump. I cough, trying to cover up the humiliation of being caught out, of letting my vulnerability show, but luckily it’s Callie’s eyes that meet mine. “Are you sure about this?”
My body tenses up, the need to be strong raced through my system, before I let go of it, just a little bit. “Not really,” I shake my head, emotions rolling about in my stomach. “I’m scared of losing people, and I’m also really frightened of starting a war.” I hate admitting any kind of weakness, but if I can do it to anyone, it’s her.
I hold Callie’s hand tightly in mine, smiling sadly at her. We share a moment, all the unsaid things since we’ve become distant from one another flow between us, and it takes all that I have not to fall apart. Things have gotten so weird, and now that I’m really thinking about things, it feels like my fault. I got so wrapped up in this leadership thing I forgot about everything else.
“The world isn’t what it once was.” She pulls me in for a hug, making my chest heat up and swell. “Everything’s changed, you understood that much quicker than me.” As she pulls back to gaze into my eyes I feel something important shift within me. I’m not totally sure what it is, but it hardly matters anymore. “This might be crazy, you leading people to war might be insane, but that’s what they want. You know what they need, and you’re giving it to them, even if you don’t like it.”
A pregnant pause fills the air for a moment before I burst into semi-hysterical laughter. “Oh God,” I snort, clinging on to her. “You’re so full of it. It might make me feel better, but my God what a load of tosh.”
As we laugh together, it kinda feels like old times. It reminds me of sitting on the plane with her, excitement racing through my veins, it even makes me think back to when we were in school, mucking about together at the back of the class.
For a moment, the world returns to normal, like there’s no such thing as the undead.
But then Callie ruins it by bringing me right back into the present moment. “Now, you go get them. Make this alright again.”
***
I want to die. I wish it was me who didn’t make it. Why did I have to live?
I trudge slowly back towards the shopping mall with the others, my heart heavy and sad. I’m numb now, totally consumed by a hollow sensation that doesn’t show any sign of ending. I knew this mission would change me, I didn’t think that I’d be the same person going out as I was going in, but I wasn’t prepared for it to be this dramatic.
That was brutal, like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Seeing human’s murdered, witnessing people dying, it’s nothing like murdering the Shinda. They die so easily, they go down so quickly, but living humans really don’t.
Hachiro was waiting for us, I think now that we walked right into his trap. He killed Suni to lead us into a bloodbath. Maybe we won, maybe we killed off Hachiro and as many of his men as we could find because we did have the numbers, but it doesn’t feel like a victory to me.
I just wish it never happened.
“We did good,” someone pats me on the back to reassure me, but I can’t even lift my head off the ground to see who it is. I don’t care anymore, not about any of this.
This doesn’t feel like a game anymore, I’m starting to see that this isn’t just a small part of life, a story that I can go back to my family with. Deep down, I never thought this would be forever, but now...well, now I know that it’s all over. Life as we once knew it is gone, this is all we have left.
Oh God...how am I supposed to live through this anymore?
We walk back into a hero’s welcome, everyone rejoices as soon as they hear that Hachiro won’t be bothering us again, but I can’t stand it. I simply wait there in the doorway for a moment, trying to work out whether or not I can actually face going back in there. Maybe, as insane as it sounds, maybe I’ll be better out there. Sure, I might not survive it, but I honestly don’t know if I want to anymore.
“Are you okay?” Callie’s voice is the only thing that can break through my shock barrier. As I move my eyes towards her, everything is blurry, I can barely see anymore. “Do you want to go somewhere?”
I nod slowly and allow her to guide me away from the crowds. People call out to me as I weave through them, but I tune it all out. I fear that if I open my mouth to speak, I’ll throw up everywhere.
As soon as we’re alone in a room, and Callie has locked the door behind us, she stares so intensely at me that I’m sure she can see my soul. I keep my back straight, trying to keep the walls firmly up around me, but soon enough they come crumbling down and I burst into weeping, sobbing tears.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I howl as she throws her arm around me. “I can’t stand it. That was too much, it was too hard.”
“But...you won.”
That doesn’t mean anything to me, not anymore. None of this has truly felt real until now, I’ve been playing a character, and now the true me is shining through. I’m not strong, not really, I shouldn’t be doing any of this. I need to be alone.
But I don’t know how to vocalize all of these feelings in a coherent way, so I don’t bother. I lean my head into her shoulder instead, letting her comfort me.
“Listen,” Callie grabs hold of me and stares at me imploringly. “If you’re serious, if you really don’t want to do this anymore, then we can go. I don’t want you to do anything while you’re in an emotional state, but if you go, I’ll go with you.”
Maybe I am emotional, but that sounds like the best idea in the world to me. I can’t see any way that I can face those people again, and I don’t think that’ll change however much time passes.
“Are you serious?” I gasp, grabbing onto that with both hands. “We can go? You don’t mind leaving here? I mean, what would we even do?” I want to just throw things in my bag and leave, I’d love to sneak out in the dead of night, but I can’t put Callie at risk. I can’t be responsible for someone else losing their life.
“Does it matter?” she shrugs
, giggling a little too hysterically for my liking. “We have the whole of Tokyo to explore. Why don’t we go and see all the places we didn’t get a chance to?”
“Oh yeah, sounds good. Why not go shopping in Harajuku? It doesn’t matter about all the undead shuffling about the place!” It feels good to be having a little joke, even if the subject is no laughing matter. “It’ll make it more interesting. It’ll be like a gauntlet.”
But Callie isn’t laughing anymore. In fact, her eyes have gone all misty, and I know her well enough to know that she’s deep in thought. I can’t read her expression to see what else is going on in there, but I have a feeling that if I remain silent long enough she’d reveal herself soon enough.
“No, I didn’t really mean like that,” she finally opens up to me. “I meant that we should go out there and become one of them.”
Huh? I stare intently at her, trying to work out who she means. The only other group I know about is the one we just slaughtered, and I’m trying my utmost not to think about them anymore. I can’t imagine any way that Callie would know about other groups, she hasn’t even been outside since we first holed up here. I would assume that if she’s met someone else, the others would’ve too, and in that case, I would definitely know about it.
“Who do you mean?”
She steps to the nearest window and gazes wistfully towards the ground. “I mean them, the Shinda.”
My heart stops dead in my chest. What the hell is she going on about? My brain shuts down, unwilling to even begin processing this statement. What sort of person even says a thing like that?
“The Shinda have it so good,” she continues, seemingly oblivious to my inner turmoil. “They don’t have any of the worries we have. Plus, they seem to have the advantage of eternal life, the one thing humans have always lusted after. They’re dead, but not. I mean, they are when someone kills them, but aside from that they seem to live forever.”
“Well, we don’t know that, do we? This has only been going on for a few months...” I’m trying my best to rationalize with her, all the while worrying where her mind got so twisted up. I can’t believe I became so self-involved that I didn’t notice this happening!