by Samie Sands
“Actually, it’s been just over a year.”
My mind flicks back over all of this, trying desperately to prove her wrong, but I really haven’t even tried to keep track of time.
“Are you serious?” I fall backwards into the nearest chair, emptiness filling me up. “Is that for real? Then, that means...” During the time I’ve happily been believing that it’s only been a couple of months, I could trick myself into believing that help will come from some other country. I told myself this isn’t an easy problem to solve and that someone will do it eventually, but now... “That probably means this virus is everywhere then. It truly is all over the world.”
“But, you knew that, didn’t you? You’re the one who told me that everywhere else was more prepared.”
“I was just saying things, wasn’t I?” My tone has turned nasty, but this is a whole lot to process all in one go. My eyes slide shut for a moment, but the horrible blood-stained images that immediately fill my brain cause them to snap back open in an instant. “I was blabbering on, trying to be confident.”
My mum...my dad...my other friends...all of them, gone.
“Do you think everyone’s dead then?” I seem to have totally forgotten that Callie’s gone crazy during this. Shock has rendered me completely useless. “Everyone back home, I mean?”
If that’s true, then there really is no hope. I only kept on going because I thought this would end eventually. I was so looking forward to getting back to my real life, to finding out what everyone else went through. I don’t want to die here, like this. These people might have become my friends now, but I feel like I’ve done nothing but let them down.
“No one’s dead, they’re all like that, and we should be too.”
Despite my better judgment, I join Callie at the window, staring down at the shuffling, shambling army below, and I start to see them through her eyes. Maybe that is the better way to go, maybe it’s the easy choice. It doesn’t look much fun changing, but then nothing else matters when it’s done, does it? I wouldn’t even be dead, I’d just be...different.
Oh God, am I really considering this? Has tonight gotten to me that much?
“So,” Callie glances at me, smiling as she can see how undecided I am. “What do you say? Want to end this together, on our own terms?”
Somehow this seems so much less final that picking up a gun and pointing it to my head. Somehow, Callie is making this sound like a fun adventure, the last one we’ll ever go on together. And you know me, I do love an adventure.
I slip my hand into hers and grin like a loon, accepting what she’s known for all this time, that there’s no point in fighting it when the end is hurtling towards us regardless.
“Okay, let’s do this.”
berlin
‘The underground is dead.’
I run my fingers along these words, wondering about the person who wrote them. Someone was worried enough about losing their alternative lifestyle to scrawl this across a wall in spray paint. It all seems so banal and pointless now, consider what’s happened since. If they’d known, would they have bothered taking the time out of their precious lives to graffiti this? Probably not.
‘This world is hell!’ another part of the wall exclaims excitedly, matching my mood a little more clearly. Of course, I can only assume that this was written before, but it fits now more than ever. Now the dead are wandering the streets, and the living exist in fear.
“What do we do now, Charles?”
I spin around to see my wife, Karen, cowering in the doorway of a rundown old bar. She pulls her long, black jacket tighter around her body and shivers with the cold. Her piercing eyes stare at me desperately, needing answers that I just cannot give.
“I guess we find somewhere to hole up for the night.”
Neither of us say it, it hasn’t been mentioned since we arrived here, but the fact that we’re in Germany, rather than at home in Ohio during this nightmare has very little to do with me, and a lot to do with Karen. I don’t blame her for bringing us on this trip so she could meet her childhood pen pal that she’d recently reconnected with via the wonders of social media, but sometimes, deep in the pit of my stomach where I hold the awful emotions that I wouldn’t ever share with anyone, there’s a little bit of resentment. Especially during times like this, where the pressure sits firmly on my shoulders.
I think the worst part of it all is that she didn’t even get to meet her friend, this all happened too quickly.
“Yeah, okay.” Karen nods rapidly and moves closer to me. “You lead the way.”
As we walk, the silence hurts my ears. Much as it’s easier to have the streets empty rather than filled with the dead, it’s a constant stark reminder that there isn’t anyone else left. Not that we’ve found anyway, and during the endless months of horror I think we’ve looked everywhere. I know it was chaos in the beginning, the words ‘die Toten gehen zu Fuß’ were yelled and screamed as everyone died, but sometimes I think that was much better than this.
At least we weren’t lonely then.
“Where will we go?” Karen whispers as she pulls her arm tighter around mine. “Do you think there’s anywhere we haven’t been yet?”
We pass a shopping mall, one that I’m sure looked amazing when it’s alive and buzzing with people, and a disappointment courses through my heart. There are two of the dead, standing up against the door, hammering with all their might to get to us. Their disgusting bodies are rotten and falling apart, I honestly don’t know how much longer they can carry on living in there.
Can the dead even die? I’m really not sure.
“I don’t know.” I sigh and turn my head away from the truly upsetting sight. “I suppose there must be somewhere else. I honestly can’t imagine we’re the only people left.”
“What if we are though? What if we’re the only people left in the world?”
I don’t answer that, mostly because I can’t. It’s a thought that I don’t even want to consider.
“Oh my God.” Karen clutches my tighter, practically pinching my skin. “Charles, look at that. Infected, dead, whatever they are. We need to get away from here.”
“Okay.” My heart thunders as I glance towards the group. It’s not big enough to be classed as a hoard, but it’s more than I can take at once. My ragged breaths fall out of my mouth as I try to figure out the best course of action. “Stay quiet,” I whisper, slowly retreating with my wife still clinging to me. “Remember they’re slow, so all we really need to do is…run.”
***
What the hell?
As I move my body into a sitting position, I do my best to ignore the hot, burning pain radiating right through me, and I try to concentrate on where I am instead. For a second, my mind is blank, but soon the group of the dead and the chase that followed comes crashing back. I really did run until my body gave up on me, which in hindsight might have been a big mistake.
“Karen?” I groan as I do my best to stand. My legs are wobbly, my muscles ache like hell, but still, I force myself to my feet. “Karen, where are you?”
“Oh, Charles, are you awake? Thank goodness. I was so scared for a moment.”
“Scared?” I rub my forehead hard, trying to work out why everything hurts so badly. “Why?”
“You collapsed.” She wraps her arms tightly around me and I slump gratefully into her embrace. “You’re all I have, I can’t have you dying on me. I don’t even know where we are here, it’s somewhere totally new. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
I sigh deeply, scanning my eyes around the unfamiliar environment over Karen’s shoulder, drinking in the appearance of every new building. She’s right, this is somewhere new. If only I’d paid attention as we ran, then I might have a clue as to where we are in relation to the city center. It’s always better to have that as a base.
“I guess we stay somewhere here tonight then. Did you take a look at any of the buildings?”
“A little.” Karen steps away from me
and shrugs her shoulders. “I didn’t want to move too far away from you in case anything happened. It seems like a fairly safe street, so wherever you like.”
“Okay, sure.”
I need to pick the right one for us, especially as this place is unfamiliar and we might need to stay for a while. I can’t do this willy-nilly, it just doesn’t work that way. It’s difficult because under the grey sky with awful dark clouds rolling through it, it’s impossible for any of the homes to look inviting...
Oh God, just pick one already.
As I make my way towards the nearest front door, I do my best to ignore the unsettled sensation that sits firmly in the pit of my stomach. This’ll all be okay, everything has been alright so far, so why should today be any different? Both me and Karen have survived so far, we’ve been lucky, there’s no reason that should stop…
What was that? I spin around wildly, trying to figure out just where that noise came from. It wasn’t human, that much I’m sure of, but it didn’t sound like one of the infected either.
“Charles, oh my goodness, look. It’s a cat!”
An adorable creature circles her ankles, purring as it rubs its brown speckled fur against her. Karen’s frozen to the spot, seemingly in shock by this new development, and I feel the same way too.
“Will you look at that.”
“It’s like our Persian babies.”
Karen bends to her knees to give the animal some much-needed affection, but I stick where I am thinking about the six lovely cats that we left behind in Newark. It was only supposed to be for two weeks, they must miss us like crazy.
I shake my head to rid my brain of those unsettling thoughts and move my body to comfort that beautiful beast too. It’s so hurtful to think about home, it makes me want to give up when really what I need to do is continue. After all, I’m not just living for me, am I? I’m here to keep my wife alive too.
“Where do you live, little buddy?” I ask quietly as I tickle his soft little chin. “Can you take us there?”
“Can you believe this cat has survived all this time by itself?” There’s an excitable edge to Karen’s tone. “Do you think someone’s looking after it? Maybe we can find more people.”
I open my mouth to reply, but before I get the chance to the cat takes off further down the street. Without even communicating, me and Karen both jump up and follow him. He races quickly, his four little legs move faster than the speed of light, but because he’s only tiny it isn’t challenging for us to keep up.
Soon he disappears through a cat flap, indicating exactly where we’re going to go next. I step in front of Karen and knock lightly on the door, my body pumping nervously with the idea of actually speaking to people again. It’s what we both want, but it’ll be very strange nonetheless.
“It doesn’t seem like anyone is there,” Karen reassures me after a few moments. “I think it’ll be safe to go inside.”
I twist the knob and push the door open. It slams noisily against the wall, which sends my pulse rate flying, but it seems that Karen’s right. I’m sure if anyone was here, dead or alive, I would know by now.
“Come on.” I take Karen’s hand and pull her in behind me. “I think it’s okay. I can feel it in my gut.”
I step into the kitchen, and the cat races to my side, pressing it’s head hard against me, desperate for some more love. I pet him for a moment, my heart warming up with joy at the loving touch from this darling animal. This makes me feel more hopeful than I’ve done for a very long time. If this little sweetheart can survive, then maybe the human race can somehow make it out of this mess after all.
I wrap my fingers around his collar and pull it around until I see a name engraved onto the tag. “Oh, you’re name is Tiger. That’s not a very original name, but we’ll go with it.” I smile and rub behind his ear. “At least it’s pretty fierce. Come on, Tiger, let’s see what I can find you to eat.”
I pull open the cupboards in turn, finally stumbling across an unopened box of cat biscuits. I’m not convinced that they’ll be any good after all this time, but Tiger’s meows are growing in their intensity. I need to just give it a try, so I scatter some on the ground and watch in awe as Tiger munches them all down in about half a second.
“Hey, Karen, the poor little dear must’ve been starving.” I glance up to notice my wife isn’t looking at me at all. She’s staring intently at a scrap of paper in her hands. “Karen, what’s that? What have you got there?”
“Switch the radio on,” she replies cryptically, without bothering to take her eyes off the page.
“What do you mean?”
She hands me the piece of paper, which doesn’t give me any more information, just the words ‘switch the radio on’ scrawled in someone’s handwriting.
“Switch the radio on? What radio?” I flicker my eyes all over the room, trying to locate said radio, but there’s nothing in immediate sight. This could easily be a pre-apocalypse thing, a remnant of the old life left behind, nothing to think about now...but somehow I can’t shake the thought that this is relevant to now. “What damn radio?”
“It’s written in English, did you notice that?” I can’t help but think that Karen’s focusing on the same thing. “Not German. Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know, maybe an English person lived here.” I’m barely paying attention as I answer.
I tug at the drawers, making much more of a racket than I should as the items inside clatter against the wood, but still, nothing catches my eye. My mood darkens, my temper boils, for a very inexplicable reason, I feel incredibly angry with the person who left the note. Rationally I know it isn’t their fault the radio’s gone missing, it probably got stolen sometime over the last few months, but I hate having something hanging over my head, an unsolved mystery.
“Maybe it doesn’t mean anything,” Karen suggests. “Maybe we should think about getting ourselves fed.” When it becomes obvious that I’m too lost in my brand new mission to worry about eating, she sighs and turns away from me. “Okay, well you worry about the radio, I’ll do this.”
***
After me and Karen have eaten something fairly inedible, but good enough to keep us alive, I set about locking up the house to ensure that it’s safe. I’ve become very anal about this over time, especially when it doesn’t seem like the dead have the brain capacity to unlock doors, but it’s hard enough to sleep as it is. That small sense of safety is about the only thing that keeps me going.
Once I’m done, I trudge up the stairs to lie down in some strangers sheets with my wife, a far too regular occurrence these days. She’s already there, curled up with Tiger, a smile on my face that heats up my emotions. I’ve been in a foul mood all night long because I haven’t been able to locate the radio, but witnessing her there with an actual happy look upon her face is enough to turn things around a little inside of me.
Things have been hopeless for far too long, but maybe now they can start looking up.
“Do you think Annie still has our cats?” Karen asks me softly, now thinking about home as much as me.
“Of course.” I tuck myself under the sheets next to her and wrap my arms around her. “I’m sure home is fine, and so are our babies. We’ll see when we get back there ourselves.”
“Do you really think that can happen?”
I’m sure Karen knows that I’m lying, but if that’s what she needs to hear right now, then that’s what I’ll give her. “Of course. This virus can’t be everywhere, there will be some cleanup operation going on somewhere. And someone working on a cure too. All of this will be a distant memory soon enough, you’ll see.”
I flop my head back onto the pillow, picturing the wonderful, unrealistic scene of me and Karen arriving back home, but that’s instantly interrupted when my head connects with something hard.
“Ah, what’s that?” I reach under the pillow and yank it out. “Holy frack, it’s a radio, it’s the radio!”
Instantly my fingers twiddle with t
he knobs, trying to find something substantial in the static. My heart thunders noisily in my chest, my stomach coils around itself, my brain sparks and darts, all thoughts of sleep long forgotten...this could lead to something, and after the terrible few months. I’ve had I really need something good to happen.
We both do.
“I....it’s been...need...”
“What was that, Karen?” my voice is laced with excitement. “Can you hear that?”
“Yes, I…I think so.” She doesn’t sound sure, but my racing pulse is too thrilled to notice that.
“Someone is out there, I’m not going to stop until I find them!”
***
“Huh, what?” I bolt upright like I’ve been electrocuted, an unbridled terror racing through my system. I blink my eyes a few times, wondering why my head’s pounding so loudly, and why my vision is so blurred.
Oh...right, the radio.
My fingers are still wrapped around it, my knuckles have turned an odd white shade they’re clutching so tightly. It’s been the same way for days now, my hand curled around this damn thing, desperation coursing through my veins. It’s utterly, agonizingly frustration, but it’s an addiction now that I cannot seem to cure.
I heard words on that first day, Karen did too—not that she talks about it much anymore—but now there’s nothing. I try, and try, and try, but nothing happens. There’s someone out there in the world, someone who might need help, or who might be able to help us, and I don’t know how to find them. It tugs at me hard, reminding me every single moment that I’m a failure.
“What’s the matter, sweetie?” Karen murmurs, hugging Tiger like he’s a comfort blanket as she sleeps. “Nightmares again?”
“It’s just this damn radio,” I admit dejectedly. “It’s driving me crazy, I can’t stand it.”