Finding West

by June Gray

  I blinked at the older woman. “Kat? No. She’s a little bit hard to tame.”

  Lorna cackled. “Well she’s is looking at you as if she’d want to knock your boots, if you know what I mean.”

  I laughed. “Yes, I know what you mean. Unfortunately, she’s not impressed with me.”

  “But look at you.”

  I glanced across the room again, but Kat was diligently keeping her attention on the game board. “She’s not that easily impressed, I’m afraid.”

  “In my day, when you wanted to impress a girl, you did something big. What’s that called?” she asked, snapping her thin fingers together.

  “A grand gesture?”

  “That’s it,” Lorna said. “Can you play the guitar?”

  “I don’t know.”

  She motioned to the guitar leaning against the mantle of the large white fireplace. “There’s one right there if you’d like to try. Even if Kat is not impressed, I know the ladies of the place would be.”

  A little intrigued, I retrieved the guitar and came back. I sat on the edge of the chair and looped the strap over my shoulder, instantly filled with a sense of familiarity. I set the body down against my leg, positioned my left hand on the neck, and strummed.

  A gentleman with a bald head came ambling over in his walker. “You going to play us a song, son?”

  “Give him a second, Mort,” Lorna said.

  While I kept strumming, muscle memory kicked in and my fingers flew across the strings as if leading the way. All too soon, the chords coming out of the guitar began to form a song. I hummed along, and soon words and phrases popped into my head and I found myself singing, surprising even myself when I realized I actually sounded decent.

  “I don’t think I recognize that song,” Mort said.

  “I think I wrote it,” I said, continuing to play. I let out an exhilarated gust of breath and sang again, feeling a sense of rightness when the chorus kicked in and my vocal chords rose up an octave. Yes, this was my song.

  I looked up, completely in my own bubble of self-discovery, and saw Kat standing at the edge of the crowd that had gathered, her arms folded across her chest and an anxious expression on her face.

  Even though her reaction bothered me, I kept playing, feeling like pieces of me were returning with each strum of the guitar. When I finished, I locked eyes with Kat and felt my entire face erupt in a smile.

  “Encore!” someone yelled out.

  I gave Kat a wink and played another song.

  The drive back to Ayashe was more or less silent. Kat sulked as she drove, which gave me ample time to sit back and ruminate on what I’d remembered. But even though I’d remembered how to play the guitar, it was only a tiny piece of the puzzle. I still didn’t know who I was, still didn’t know what the hell I was doing in Alaska.

  “Kat…” I said as we pulled into the icy driveway.

  “Look,” she said, keeping her eyes trained on the steering wheel. “I know I have a shitty way of showing it, but I’m happy for you that you’re finally remembering some things.”

  “Then why are you so angry?”

  “I’m not angry!” she practically shouted. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. “Not with you, anyway.”

  “What could you possibly be angry with yourself about?”

  She shook her head and got out of the car. I was right behind her, grabbing the back of her coat, but she kept going. “Leave me alone.”

  “Will you stop?”

  “No,” she said, trying to swat at my hand.

  “Stop right now, Kat!” The authority in my voice froze her on the spot. I took the opportunity to step around to the front, resting my hands on her arms. “Talk to me.”

  She looked at me boldly and said in a low voice, “It’s happening too fast.”

  I ran my fingers along her flushed cheek. “What is?”

  “Everything.” Her eyebrows drew together. “I’ve only known you a few days. And I don’t even know—”

  “You know everything about me. As much as I know about me right now anyway.”

  “I don’t let people in,” she said, her lips thinning into a stubborn line. “That’s how I get through life.”

  I lifted my hands up to rest at her neck, and ran the pads of my thumbs along her chin. “You let me in,” I said, filled with certainty. “There’s no way I could be standing here right now, holding you like this, without having been let in.”

  The absence of a reply said it all. She didn’t deny it or tell me to fuck off.

  I cupped her face in my hands and lowered my face to hers, kissing her upper lip gently then moving to the lower. “I’m in,” I whispered against her mouth.

  She shook me off. “I can’t afford to lose someone else I care about right now.”

  I watched her walk away, back into her house, fighting the urge to howl at the sky in frustration. I didn’t follow her inside. Instead I traversed the gravel driveway towards the road, deciding that a walk to clear my head was exactly what I needed.

  13

  KAT

  The dread weighed heavy in my stomach while I watched out of the kitchen window as the stranger walked down the driveway and out onto Sommers Lane.

  I’d done it again. I’d driven away another person who showed any form of affection for me. Like Drew, who had been the first person to extend a hand of friendship to me when I’d first moved to Ayashe. He had been so nice. Even when I’d refused, he helped move furniture and erect that metal shed in the back. I hadn’t wanted his friendship, but he’d given it anyway, and because I had been lonely, I’d allowed him to kiss me. The kiss had progressed to other things, things that I’d immediately regretted, and because I am the way I am, Drew had quickly become just another person I drove out of my life.

  But this stranger wasn’t just any person and it was high time I admitted it. He was the only man I’d ever felt this way about; he made me believe there was more to life and I deserved to experience it all. He made me want things that were previously beyond my scope of imagination.

  Now it was too late. I’d succeeded in driving him away.

  Josie, too, felt his absence. She sat by the front door, waiting for the stranger to return.

  “He’s not coming back, girl,” I said, walking over and petting her behind the ears. I sat on the linoleum and tried to breathe through the ache in my chest. This pain was a whole new sensation for me; I imagined it was what heartache felt like.

  I brought my fingers up to my lips, which were still tingling from the tender way he had kissed me. That kiss had been different from the others, had been so full of warmth and sincerity. If he had kissed me like that one more second, I was sure I’d have caved and given him everything he asked.

  With a bravado I didn’t feel, I said, “Come on, let’s not sit around whining about our shitty life.” But this time the words didn’t do much to make me feel better.

  My mood was absolutely black as I worked out in the shed. I pushed my body further than I ever had before, performing more reps and lifting heavier. I wanted to push my muscles past their limit to ensure I’d be hurting in the coming days. Maybe then I’d be too sore to mope.

  I looked for the stranger when I left the shed, hoping that he’d be coming up the driveway. I even performed a perimeter check of the house, but found nothing except for soggy ground and dead leaves.

  I went inside and took a shower, sitting under the hot spray of water long after I had finished cleaning myself. I slid one hand up to my breast, imagining it was his hand cupping my flesh and rolling my nipple between his fingers.

  The memory of his performance at the nursing home came back to me, that low, raspy voice that had done erotic things to all of my nerves. I was glad to have been standing so far from him as he sang and played; any closer and I was sure I would have combusted.

  My other hand reached down to ease the throbbing between my legs. I leaned against the tile wall and closed my eyes, sliding a finger through m
y folds imagining how he’d look as he slipped inside me, how he’d feel as he filled me up. But my stubborn brain wouldn’t let me forget that I would never feel those sensations because I’d scared him away.

  I slapped my palms against the wall and snarled in irritation. Several times I came close, but never quite got there. It wasn’t enough that I hated myself; even my vagina was pissed off at me.

  I got out of the shower and toweled off before I heard Josie barking. I stuck my head out of the bathroom and heard the insistent knocking on the door. With only a towel wrapped around me, I ran to the front door, my heart in my throat, and looked through the peephole.

  Not going to lie; seeing that handsome face at my doorstep made me lightheaded with relief and excitement. I opened the door slowly and let him in.

  “You came back,” I said dourly, holding the towel tight around me as the air from outside chilled my skin.

  He shook off his coat and hung it up as if he’d done it a million times before. “I just went for a walk.”

  “Next time a memo would be nice.” I hadn’t meant to sound so snippy, but it came out that way anyway. “I thought…”

  It was then I noticed the plastic bag in his hands. “I went to town and bought us something to celebrate with,” he said, pulling out a bottle of red wine. “It is Christmas Eve.”

  “You mean I bought a bottle of wine?” I asked with whatever lingering bits of anger I had left in me.

  His smile faltered. “I’ll pay you back.”

  God, I could be such a bitch sometimes. “I was just kidding,” I said quickly. “I don’t really expect you to pay me back.”

  He set the bottle down on the table. “I was thinking I’d get a job.”

  “Here?” My mouth might have dropped open in shock. “In Ayashe?”

  He leaned against the counter. “Yeah. To pay you and maybe help out with the utilities and such.”

  A job hinted at permanence but hints weren’t enough in this case. “What are you saying exactly?”

  He grinned. “I’m saying if I never regain my memory, I’d like to stay with you. And in order to do that I need to earn some money. That is, if you don’t mind my living here for the foreseeable future.”

  I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. He was staying. He was staying with me. “I don’t mind,” I said a little breathlessly. “Stay as long as you need.”

  He came towards me and it was then I felt acutely aware that I was one towel away from being completely naked. If he tried to disrobe me now, I didn’t know if I had the mental capacity to say no.

  He reached out to touch a point on my neck. “I can see your pulse right here,” he said. “Your heart’s racing.”

  I rolled my eyes. It was either that or lean into his touch and lose my mind. “I just worked out. My heart rate’s still up.”

  He bit down a smile and turned away. “I’ll let you get dressed.”

  We popped open the wine after dinner, pouring it into wine glasses I’d never used before.

  “These were actually my mom and dad’s. A wedding present, I think,” I said, lifting the glass up to the light. “I think my dad said it was my mom’s favorite.”

  “There’s only three here,” the stranger said, pouring himself a glass.

  “Yeah, well I guess my mom liked to throw them at my dad,” I said, sitting on the couch.

  He hesitated, glancing at the empty spot beside me before falling into it. He was so close; I could feel the heat radiating off of him. I stopped when I found myself leaning into his side. I didn’t know why I was still fighting my feelings for him; I guess the simple answer was that I was still afraid of what would happen if I let him in.

  I flipped on the television and flicked through the channels until I landed on the movie The Notebook. We watched for a few minutes before a snort came beside me. “Is there anything else on?” he asked.

  “What? You don’t like it?”

  He motioned at the scene where an older Noah was reading a story to his beloved Ali. “This is so cheesy,” he said. “She’s supposed to beat Alzheimer’s because he reads her that story?”

  “Um, no. You’ve obviously never seen this movie before.” I twisted my head around to look up at him. “What’s your favorite kind of movie? Let me guess, the kind that goes boom, right?”

  “I like independent and foreign films,” he said without hesitation. “Like Once.”

  I gaped up at him with a feeling of dread. He remembered something else. He wouldn’t even need to get a job because his memory was returning at such a rapid pace. At this rate, he’d be back to his old home tomorrow.

  “I sound like a pretentious prick, huh?” he asked, nudging me in the side.

  I ignored the ache in my chest. “So tell me about Once.”

  His deep voice was reassuring as he told the story of a musician who was having no luck getting a recording contract until he met a woman who helped breathe life into his songs. “I’m pretty sure I was a musician myself, which explains why I like that movie so much.”

  “There’s no doubt about it,” I said, taking a deep pull from my drink. “Your playing and singing was amazing.”

  “Amazing?” he asked with a grin. He leaned close and whispered, “Did it turn you on?”

  I was a goner the instant his warm breath touched my ear. I couldn’t even form a denial. “Yes.”

  He nudged me with his nose, tilting my head to the side to give him better access to my neck where he pressed a lingering kiss. A second later, his lips parted and his tongue darted out, tracing hot, wet circles on my skin. “You and me, Kat,” he rasped. “We’d set the sheets on fire.”

  My center throbbed with want. I wanted to buy a whole pallet of what he was selling. It was a little frightening; I’d never felt this level of need for anyone else before.

  “Stand up,” he said, taking my wine glass out of my hands.

  My heart was pounding in my chest and every part of my body was tingling. A line had been drawn in the sand and it was up to me to cross it and see what lay on the other side. The question was whether I was brave enough to do it.

  I stood up and faced him. Let it never be said that I’m too chickenshit to do anything daring.

  “Take off your shoes and socks.”

  That part was easy. What was coming next was the scary part.

  “Now unbutton your jeans and slide them down your legs, nice and slow.” He watched intently as I did as he asked. When my jeans were pooled at my feet, I lifted them with a foot and kicked them to his face.

  He looked out from under a denim leg and grinned. “Now lose the sweater.”

  I gripped the bottom of my sweater and pulled it up over my head to reveal a spaghetti-strap tank underneath.

  “Tricky, tricky,” he said, wagging a finger. Still, I hadn’t worn a bra and I knew my nipples were clearly visible through the white fabric as they pebbled.

  “Your turn,” I said, motioning with my chin.

  He leaned forward and reached behind his neck, pulling the long-sleeved shirt over his head. He rose from the couch, towering over me, a heated look on his face as he reached down to unbutton his pants.

  I knew he was naked under there, knew that he was willing to go all the way right that moment. What I didn’t know was if I was ready.

  I touched his hand and said, “Keep that on,” then pressed a palm to his chest and pushed him onto the couch.

  The sight of him like that—sitting low with his legs wide, his jeans partially unzipped, his hairy chest heaving—was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. Hands down, he topped the list.

  “Come here,” he said, crooking a finger at me.

  “Yes?” I asked, standing between his legs.

  He reached out and cupped my ass in his large hands, bringing me closer. “Sit on me,” he said in a rough voice. He slumped lower on the couch as I climbed over him, straddling him with my knees on the cushions. I lowered myself, resting my crotch directly onto the hard
length in his pants. He took in a breath, his eyes burning into mine. “You’re so sexy, you know that?”

  “I’m starting to get that,” I said with a grin.

  “You have me at your mercy, Kat,” he said. “You are welcome to my body. Use me any way you want. Tie me up, ride me hard, take your pleasure.”

  The breath caught in my throat. “What if I’m not ready for any of this?”

  He ground his teeth, his jaw muscles working. “Then I would wait,” he said. “As hard as that would be.”

  I bent low and placed a barely-there kiss on his lips. “It’s midnight, you know.”

  He looked over my shoulder at the clock on the DVD player. “That it is.” He pressed his palms to the curve of my back and pulled me against him. “Merry Christmas, Kat,” he murmured against the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply before touching his lips to the underside of my jaw.

  “Merry Christmas, West.”

  He stilled. “West?”

  I smiled down at him, running my fingers through his dark, wavy hair. “I have nothing worth shit to give you,” I said. “A name’s all I got.”

  “Does it mean anything?”

  I couldn’t even begin to tell him what the name meant to me, so I said, “I just think it fits.”

  His hands traveled up my sides and stopped at my ribs, his thumbs inching over to the sides of my breasts. “Thank you. It’s perfect.”

  “And what do you have for me?”

  “I thought I already told you,” he said as he pulled my hair loose from the ponytail and ran his fingers through it. “I’m giving you me.”

  I examined my gift, touching his broad chest and his abdominals. He flexed for me, allowing me to push against the hard muscle under the warm skin. “Is that all?” I teased.

  He grinned and bucked his hips, pitching me forward. “There’s a hell of a lot more.”

  “We’ll see,” I said, even as I felt him underneath me.

  He leaned back and flung his arms over the back of the couch, laying himself bare. “Do whatever you want with me. Explore all you want,” he said, the voice and the words sending tingles directly to my core. I had never, in all my life, been turned on like this, like I was on fire and he was a lake I was dying to dive in.