by Leslie Gould
She dug in her bag some more, pulling out a sweatshirt, her pajamas, a bottle of lotion, and a pair of socks, dropping them all around her. Finally she pulled out a pair of pants. “Wear these,” she said, holding them up. “Under your dress.” She shot me a sarcastic smile. “That way you can stay modest when you fall off.”
She tossed them to me. I snapped them out of the air, exhaling as I did.
“Remember to use your knees,” she said. “And ride Lightning.”
I nodded. That’s what I planned to do.
“Don’t let her know you’re scared.”
“I’m not,” I said.
She shook her head. “I know you are.”
There was no point in trying to convince her she was wrong—not when she was right.
She crossed her arms. “Leon would still be interested in you, even if you refused to ride.”
“I want to do this. Face my fears. All of that.”
Hannah crawled toward the flap, leaving her things strewn around, but then turned to face me. “Just don’t get yourself injured again.”
After she left, I zipped the tent, even though I was only pulling the pants on underneath my dress. I slumped down on my sleeping bag. I wasn’t going to have Leon thinking that Hannah, with her love of horses and children, would be a better match than me.
Footsteps approached the tent. “Molly,” Beatrice said. “Phillip and his girlfriend are headed this way.”
“Denki.” I wondered what Phillip had told Jessie about me. I sighed. Who was I kidding? Everyone knew what a fool I’d made of myself. Even Leon. I kicked off my flip-flops, pulled on the pants and my socks, and slipped on my tennis shoes, tying them tightly. Boots would have been better—but the tennis shoes would have to do.
I grabbed Leon’s cowboy hat, unzipped the tent, and stepped through the open door, coming face-to-face with Phillip. I froze for a second but then said, “Hallo again.”
He looked around. “I need to talk with you, Molly.”
“Why?” I started toward the others.
He reached for my arm. “I just wanted to tell you I meant no harm, before.”
I pulled away and hurried around him, sure he’d stop talking if only I could put some distance between us.
“Molly,” he called out. “I was so hurt by Addie, I wasn’t ready for a relationship again.”
Mervin and Martin, who were standing around the fire, both turned to stare.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said.
Hannah and Jessie, who were standing by the stove, also turned toward us.
I kept walking, swinging my arms and Leon’s hat as I did, my face growing warmer with each step.
“I know you’re not used to people saying no to you.” Phillip kept coming toward me.
“What?” I turned.
“People usually do what you want.” Even though he was standing right next to me, his voice remained loud.
“I am going on a horseback ride,” I whispered. “If for some reason you feel compelled to talk with me about the past, we can. Later. In private. But not now.”
I turned back around, this time to face Leon.
“Everything all right?” he asked.
“Jah,” I said, rushing past him, bumping his arm with his hat. “Everything’s fine.”
But of course it wasn’t. Phillip had shown up out of the blue. Mamm was having a CT scan in another hour. Our farm might not be ours for much longer. Hannah and Beatrice were both miffed with me. Mervin wouldn’t leave me alone and wasn’t falling back in love with Hannah. Even if he did, making me free to court Leon, I still had to figure out how to increase our revenue to save the farm—because increasing our acreage by using the Mosiers’ fields wouldn’t be an option.
But more immediate than all that, I was off to ride a horse. One of those humongous equestrian beasts that I’d sworn I’d never be caught dead on again.
“Molly!” Phillip caught up with me.
I turned around, I was sure with a frantic look on my face. Jessie had started toward Phillip, weaving her way around the lawn chairs spread around the fire. “Phil,” she called out, “how about a cup of coffee?”
In that moment, although I couldn’t say I liked her, I could say I appreciated her. She was young, but she was no doubt astute—far more than Phillip Eicher would ever be.
I continued walking as fast as I could, but Leon caught up with me. “What was that about?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“I’d say it was something.”
Having to explain it all would only worsen the humiliation. What had Phillip said? That I wasn’t used to people telling me no?
“Molly.” Leon caught my arm. “How long did you and Phillip court?”
“Not long,” I answered.
“Were you serious about him?”
I shook my head.
“But he broke up with you?”
I ducked my head and walked faster. “Let’s talk about this later,” I said, glancing over my shoulder. Cate, Pete, and Robbie had come out of their tent and were watching us, along with everyone else.
As we neared the horses, I noticed they were already saddled.
“Can we walk them up the trail a ways?” I couldn’t bear to have everyone watch me struggle up to the saddle.
“Sure,” Leon said. “We can walk them all the way to the meadow if you’d like.”
“Denki,” I said, pulling his hat on my head.
Leon opened the makeshift gate and told me to wait and then led both horses out of the fence. I fell into step with him as we made our way to the trailhead. I didn’t dare look back. I could imagine all of them sitting around talking about me—but at least Leon wouldn’t be around to hear it. When the trail narrowed, I took the lead.
“Is now later enough?” he asked.
“For?” I was blond, jah, but I didn’t play dumb—except for now.
“To tell me about Phillip.”
“Oh,” I answered. But I didn’t say anything else.
The trail widened and Leon stepped to my side. “I told you about the girl I courted in Montana,” he said.
I didn’t answer.
“Hannah mentioned Phillip that night at the singing and later too, but I didn’t follow everything she said. Was he part of your group?”
I shook my head. “I only saw him at singings. I thought I had feelings for him.” And told him so once.
“But he didn’t for you?”
“Ach, do you have to be so blunt?” I tried to laugh but couldn’t. My pride stopped me.
“Do you still have feelings for him?” Leon’s voice was filled with concern.
“Of course not,” I answered. But I wasn’t sure he believed me.
A small creature rustled in the undergrowth, and Storm stepped backward. Leon stopped a moment, coaxing the horse to continue. I marched ahead, leaving Leon behind, dumbfounded at how everything had changed since last night. The enchantment was gone.
Jah, it hurt to have him questioning me like that, but it hurt even more to know Hannah had been talking about me behind my back. It seemed to me as if Leon and Hannah had a lot of time on their hands—to talk about me.
Leon must have stopped for something else concerning the horses, because by the time I reached the meadow, I couldn’t see him on the trail. I sat down on the rock in the middle of the meadow, waiting, looking up at the sky. The sun had burned away the gray clouds from earlier. The day promised to be warm—at least for the mountains. In a few minutes I heard the horses and then Leon whistling, sounding as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
“Ready to ride?” he called out as he rounded the corner. He flashed that sweet smile. My heart warmed a little. Then it began to thaw. Maybe he hadn’t been judging me.
I stood and walked toward him, meeting them at the edge of the trail. Leon put his arm around me and pulled me close. “You’re right,” he said. “None of this is a big deal. I was just trying to understand.”
> The weight of his arm across my shoulders comforted me.
“As far as the horses, just remember they’re just a bunch of nerves connected to a relatively small brain. Sure, they’re smarter than cows, but that’s not saying a lot. Keep in mind, horses don’t act out on purpose. They just haven’t learned how to cope yet. It’s our job to help them learn they can trust us, that we have their best interests in mind.”
I smiled. Actually, I had my best interests in mind, but I didn’t need to tell Leon that.
“Which horse do you want to ride?” he asked.
“Lightning.” I tipped back the cowboy hat and looked into his eyes.
“Good choice.” He led Lightning forward and handed me the reins. “Do you need some help?”
I shook my head as I eyed the stirrups, grateful Hannah had given me the pants to wear. I lifted my skirt to my thighs, grabbed the saddle horn with my hand that held the reins, stepped into the stirrup, hoisted myself up, and swung my other leg over the horse.
“Great!” Leon beamed at me, obviously encouraged that I could at least get on a horse.
I smiled back as I settled into the saddle. Maybe I hadn’t forgotten everything I’d learned from the one time I’d ridden with Hannah way back when.
With no visible effort, Leon landed in the saddle on Storm. We rode side by side. I jostled more than I should have, I knew, but it wasn’t bad. I took a few deep breaths, willing myself to relax. And I did, a little.
The brilliance of the morning warmed me. The feel of the horse—her muscles flexing with each step, her even breathing, the thud of her hooves—actually brought me a small measure of comfort.
“Having fun?” Leon rode as naturally as he breathed, one hand on the horn, turned toward me.
I didn’t actually respond, but my jostling up and down probably looked like an affirmative nod.
As we left the meadow the trees grew thick again, and Leon led the way. Lightning stopped once, drifting toward the grass in the underbrush. I had a moment of panic, thinking I might need to call out to Leon for help, but pulling on the reins, up and to the left, I got her going again.
On we went. The rhythm of Lightning’s steps lulled me further away from panic. A goldfinch sang from high in the branches of a tree. A fern grown halfway over the path caused Lightning to shy a little, but I assured her she was all right and she continued on.
Grateful I’d been brave enough to face my fears, I urged the horse to go faster. Leon and Storm had gotten ahead of us. Lightning complied. The increased bouncing brought a new measure of anxiety, but I squeezed my knees together more and settled down. In a few minutes, the feeling of harmony returned.
The slope of the trail increased, and I slid back in the saddle, causing me to grow tense again, but the back of the saddle stopped me. I exhaled. I was fine.
Leon waited for me at the summit of the hill. When I reached him, he pointed ahead, over a plateau of grassland. “See the willows in the distance?”
I nodded.
“There’s probably a creek. Let’s ride to there. Then we’ll turn back.” Storm took off at a trot, and Lightning followed, with no prodding from me. Soon both were galloping. My only consolation to my body being jerked up and down was that Leon couldn’t see me. In no time we reached the willows, and he slid off Storm, again without any effort, and then took Lightning’s reins from me, holding them as I struggled down.
I took a step away from the horse. I’d definitely be sore tomorrow, probably even today. Leon led the horses down to the creek. I stayed on the bank and watched the horses drink. When they were done, Leon pulled three apples from his saddlebag. He gave one to each of the horses and then led them back up the bank, where he gave the third apple to me.
“What about you?” I asked.
“I thought we’d share.”
I took a bite and handed it back to him.
He took a bite, chewed, swallowed, and then said, “You’re doing really well. I can’t believe it’s been years since you’ve ridden.” He handed the apple back to me.
It had been thirteen years, to be exact. “I’m surprised it stayed with me.” I took a bite of apple right next to where his mouth had been. I couldn’t help but be pleased with myself, even though I shouldn’t have been.
We shared the apple back and forth until it was gone. I fed the core to Lightning and giggled at the feel of her mouth against my palm.
Leon took my hand.
“I’m so glad you’re not going back to Montana,” I said, tipping my face toward his, expecting a kiss.
“Whoa,” he said, stepping backward. “Why wouldn’t I go back to Montana?”
“Why would you? If . . . I mean . . . if you had the opportunity—”
“To stay in Lancaster?” His voice fell flat.
I nodded. Who wouldn’t want to stay in Lancaster? My heart began to race even faster.
He continued, “My job with Owen is temporary. He only hired me to train a select group of horses.”
“But you could get another job,” I said. “You said you’d prefer to stay in Lancaster County.”
“I don’t remember saying that.” He gazed down at me, his eyes intent. “I love Montana. It’s home. I’m far more comfortable there than . . . in Lancaster.” He looked west as he spoke.
I shook my head. “That night, when we were under the willow, when I said I felt responsible to care for Bea and Mamm—”
“And you said your farm is failing.”
“Jah, which means I need to stay in Lancaster. How else can I save our farm and provide for my family?”
He stepped away from me and took off his hat, swiping his hand through his damp hair. “I thought you could sell your farm and your Mamm and Bea could come with us, to Montana—if . . . that’s how things worked out.”
I may have jutted out my lower lip a little at that.
Neither of us spoke for a long, long moment.
Finally, Leon said, tenderly, his voice low, “Miss Molly, we can trust God to lead us. It’s not something we need to figure out right now.”
I felt my eyes widen, but somehow I managed to control my tongue. I’d trust God to change Leon’s mind—that was for sure. “Jah, let’s give it some time,” I managed to say. Turning toward the horses, I said, “We should head back.”
In a daze, I managed to get myself back onto Lightning. I was in good shape from all the physical work I did, but still my legs were shaking. I waited for Leon to lead and then I blindly followed. By the time we reached the forest again, I was choking on my tears, thankful Leon couldn’t see me. Why, God? Why did you finally bring along someone like Leon only to have him want to go back to Montana? Please make him want to stay in Lancaster. I prayed that last part over and over, silently.
By the time we reached the meadow, Storm had picked up speed. Lightning followed, this time keeping up. My fear of riding horses had been replaced by a new fear. Montana.
There was no way I, let alone Beatrice and Mamm, could tolerate living so far from Lancaster.
I finally saw things from Mamm’s perspective. I felt her grief. No wonder she’d been opposed to my courting Leon. I thought of her now, in the tube of the CT scan, holding perfectly still, thinking about me, whether I’d choose Mervin or Leon, Lancaster County or Montana. She hadn’t been behaving like a foolish old woman. Her concern was well founded. I’d been the ignorant fool, living in denial, seeing the situation the way I wanted it to be.
In my dazed state, I thought the creature rushing toward us was a deer, even though I knew that was absurd. It wasn’t until the fawn-colored Great Dane barked that I realized what it was. Lightning reared and then landed hard as I screamed. Leon yelled at the dog as he pulled back on Storm’s reins. Storm sidestepped.
Lightning reared a second time. This time I was too terrified to scream.
The dog barked again. Lightning stepped off the trail as she landed, hitting a rock. The dog barked a third time. Lightning began to buck, sending me forward in
the saddle. I screamed again.
Leon spun around on Storm. “Pull back on the reins!”
I did, as I hard as I could, which forced Lightning to stop bucking, but made her rear. I squeezed my knees together, doing my best to stay on the horse, as I slid back on the saddle, sure I was going to go over the back.
The dog ran up the trail.
Lightning spun around and then bucked again.
The dog was gone, but the horse didn’t stop. I managed to get one foot out of the stirrup, then the other. I pulled on the reins sharply, stopping the bucking once again, but like before, she reared. I grabbed the horn, dropped the reins, slid my left leg over the saddle, and jumped for my life, landing to the side of the trail—first on my feet, but then I fell backward, onto my behind. Leon’s hat flew off my head.
By then Lightning was pointed the way we’d come. She took off, in the opposite direction of the dog, bucking as she fled.
Leon jumped off Storm to my side. “Are you all right?”
I nodded my head, unable to speak, as I struggled to a sitting position and then to my knees. But I was shaking so badly I fell back down.
“Does anything hurt?”
I shook my head.
“Wait here then,” he said, jumping back on Storm and taking off after Lightning.
I don’t know how long I stayed there, all alone, but finally I struggled to my feet, still trembling. I shook each arm. Kicked each leg. I truly seemed unhurt except for my sore backside. I rubbed it, pulling down my dress as I did, thankful again for Hannah’s pants. Then I rubbed my hands together, brushing off the dirt and little pebbles.
What made me think I could ride a horse? At least this time I hadn’t broken my arm. But I could have. Or my head.
And all Leon was concerned about was the horse. I grabbed his hat and turned toward the camp. There was no reason for me to wait. I continued on down the trail.
I hoped that when I limped into camp no one would be there. But as I neared, I knew I’d be faced with yet another challenge for the day. They were all sitting around the now-extinguished fire, laughing—and to make matters worse, Phillip and Jessie were still there.
Hannah stood holding Robbie, waltzing around with him. The little boy waved his arms. Mervin beckoned the baby to him, but Robbie clung to Hannah. She grinned at Mervin, and he stepped closer to her, taking her arm. They took a couple of steps together, with the baby between them. Clearly, Mervin was transferring his affection from me to Hannah.