Forever, For Always

by Quinn, Sabrina

  We make our way to a less crowded area, but still holding on to one another as if we were still dancing. Isaac grabs my face, pulling me to his as his fingers braid their way through my hair, interlocking behind my head. Our mouths connect and our tongues continue the dancing that our legs have given up on. He pulls his face away just enough that his eyes can burn into mine. That instant my heart tightens.

  “I love you, Vada.”

  I momentarily freeze at those three words said before my name. Those words we both made a pact of never saying, never feeling, never acting on. I shake out of his hold and begin to walk away, not knowing nor caring where I’m headed.

  “Vada!” Where are you going?” Isaac yells as he jogs to catch up to me. He grabs my right elbow, stopping me from moving any farther.

  I spin on my toes to become face to face with him. “You promised!” I scream at him. “You promised to not fall in love with me!” I try to walk away again but am held back by his hand that still has a grip on me.

  “You know what? I don’t care anymore! I’m sick of pretending this isn’t real!” He quickly moves his finger back and forth between us. “That what this is isn’t love. I may have never been in love or ever even wanted love, but I sure as hell know that what we have is the real deal.” He softly pounds his chest with his fist. “I’m so in love with you it hurts.”

  Tears falls from my eyes because I don’t want to say what I’m about to say to him.

  “I won’t fall in love with you. I told you that,” it comes out in a quiet whisper between my sobs. “Why did you have to ruin this?”

  “The only person that ruined this was you.”

  He turns around and I let him walk away. My feet are glued to the spot he left me in until his car pulls up beside me ten minutes later.

  “Get in. I’ll take you home.” His demeanor has done a three sixty. No longer is the carefree, happy Isaac. This Isaac seems hardened, empty. I get into the passenger seat and we drive back to my apartment without another word to one another.

  Isaac slams the gear into park as we pull into an empty space in the parking lot. The car jerks to a stop as he does, startling me. I know I need to get out of the car, but I’m not sure I can physically move. I’ve felt numb since the exchange on the street.

  Isaac awkwardly chuckles under his breath as we both sit there unmoving.

  “I can’t believe I let my guard down. Hours of work and hundreds of dollars to remind myself to never let something like this happen,” he calmly says while gripping his left arm. The arm barricaded in thorns. “And I throw it all out the window and fall so hard that I’m not even sure I can ever stand back up again.”

  His eyes never look up to mine as I stare at him with apologetic eyes and a tear stained face.

  “Isaac…”

  “Don’t,” he cuts me off. “Don’t sit here and pity me. Just go. Please.”

  I do as he asks and get out of his car. He pulls away as soon as the door shuts. It’s after midnight and Benny is already asleep for the night. As much as I just want to snuggle him for comfort, I make myself go to my apartment and cry myself to sleep.

  ~

  It’s been two weeks since I have seen or heard from Isaac. Benny asks about him every day. I curse at myself for letting something like this ever begin. Gloria nor Carlos speak of him to me and luckily they still treat me the same as they always have. Even before I broke their loved ones shielded heart.

  I unlock the front door to the café and begin to prepare for the day. It’s Tuesday, Pastelitos Day, so I know it is going to be slammed within ten minutes or so. The bell above the door chimes as the first customer of the day walks in. I make my way around the counter to the register and stop breathing when Isaac walks in wearing his uniform, with his partner not far behind him. I’m not sure how to act, so I do what I would naturally do in this situation.

  I begin to make his drink and bag up his pastry. I set them both down on the counter as I ring up the order and say it out loud as I do. “An extra-large Café con Leche with an extra shot of espresso and one pastelito. That will be five dollars.”

  He hands me a ten dollar bill. “I would like two pastelitos, please. I don’t want to have to make an extra trip in here if I don’t have to today.”

  His words sting, but I deserve it. I’ve hurt him. I reach into the case and pull out another pastelito and quietly bag it up with the other before handing it to him and then taking his money. I hand him his change and he drops in just the loose change of it into the tip jar, folding the bills back into his wallet. His partner, who never seemed to be very friendly in the past, surprisingly sort of stands up for me.

  “So this is what has had your panties all in a bunch when I insisted on stopping in for pastelitos this morning? Get over yourself, Monroe.”

  “Shut it, Luna. You don’t know what you are talking about.”

  His partner turns to me and orders. “I’ll have the same thing as SpongeBob Grouchy-Pants over there.” I remain quiet, never speaking. I make his drink as he digs through his wallet for the payment and lays down the exact amount on the counter for me. I glance up at Isaac who is looking at me, but once we make eye contact, he makes it clear he wants nothing to do with me.

  “Is your sister in law still single? I’m free Friday and need someone to occupy my time,” he says to Officer Luna as if I’m not even in the room.

  I don’t realize that I slam down the cup of Café con Leche until the drips of creamy brown liquid spurt out of the lid. “I’m sorry,” I quickly apologize to Officer Luna and nervously grab a towel to clean up the mess I made on the counter. He looks at me with knowing eyes then back at Isaac.

  “Dude, you’re a dick,” disappointment rolls off his tongue. He picks up his drink and pastry bag and walks out the door without him. Just as he does, the usual crowd begins to make their way in.

  I try to ignore Isaac who’s still standing at a table sipping his coffee while I take orders from customers. As every Tuesday, the morning crowd never dies down. In between making a large order of cafecitos, I lean over the counter. “Is there anything else I can help you with, Officer?” I condescendingly ask him. I haven’t a clue why he’s still standing in the café, especially after the scene he just made.

  “No, ma’am. Have a good day,” he answers me as if I’m a stranger before leaving.

  ~

  I begin my fifteen minute walk home from work when I realize I’m being followed. I stop walking, already knowing who it is. The patrol car comes to a stop beside where I’m standing.

  I hear the sound of a window rolling down. “Do you need a ride home?”

  I cross my arms in irritation. I’m not playing these games. I cock my head in his direction with as much attitude as I possibly can. “Are you being serious right now?” I yell at him.

  He seems stunned by my anger. “I am. It’s been a slow day for me and I know how hectic Tuesday’s are for you. I figured I would give you a ride home. I’m sure you’re dead tired from being on your feet all day.”

  “Wow, what a gentleman you are. I think I would rather walk though. Thanks.” I continue walking as the car slowly rolls along beside me.

  “I’m sorry. Okay? Will you please get in the car so we can talk?”

  I stop walking once again and face him with my hands planted firmly on my hips.

  “Talk about what exactly? How you professed your love for me and it scared me? Or how you blatantly tried to hurt me in retaliation this morning with your words?”

  He looks down at his lap. “Both.” His admittance is laced with shame.

  I stomp around to the passenger side of his car and get in. “If we’re going to talk it has be to before we get to my apartment. I don’t want to do this around Benny. He’s already confused enough as it is that you’re no longer around.”

  Isaac pulls the car into the driveway of a vacant house and puts it in park. He turns around to face me and I can see the sincerity in his eyes. “I’ve missed you
so much. I’m sorry for getting so upset with you. I shouldn’t have done that. I promised you that I understood your situation and I do. I’m sorry for disappearing for two weeks without any notice. I just needed some time to think. I’m not sorry for telling you that I love you, though, because I do love you. I love you so much that I realized it was better off being with you and you not loving me in return than not be with you at all.”

  “So what are you saying?” I’m really trying hard to not hurt him any more than I have, but I’ve got to think of what’s best for me and Benny right now.

  “Would it be possible to go back to where we were before that night? I won’t take it that far again. I don’t just miss you, I also miss Benny.”

  “He misses you, too.”

  “I have my last week of training exercises to become a detective this week. If all goes as planned and they choose me, my last day on patrol as an Officer will be next Tuesday. When I said that I was free earlier on this Friday, I meant it. Could we have a date night, but bring Benny along?”

  “We can do that.”

  I didn’t realize just how much I missed him too until he leans in and kisses my forehead. I close my eyes and take in his fresh oceany scent as he does.

  He backs out of the driveway and heads back toward my apartment.

  “Isaac.”

  “Yeah, Vada?”

  “I’m sorry for making you break all of your rules.”

  “Don’t be sorry. You are worth more than any rule, tattoo, or thing I have ever thought possible. Don’t ever think you are not worthy of being loved. I know you say you don’t want it, but I know you need it. I’m not asking you to stay forever, I’m just asking you to let me love you even if you don’t love me in return, for as long as you decide to stay.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Officer Monroe!” Benny screams as Isaac walks through the front door of our apartment. Benny corrects himself and says Isaac when he realizes that he’s not in uniform. Isaac crouches down with his arms open wide. Benny runs as fast as he can from the kitchen until he slams into Isaac’s chest. As they envelope each other into a tight embrace, Isaac looks over Benny’s shoulder at me and mouths, “thank you.”

  It’s crazy to think of the bond the two of them had developed over the last couple of months. This scene playing out in front of me reassures me that I’m doing the right thing. Even if I know in the end, it will be the hardest day ever when we leave for good.

  “What are you doing here?” Benny asks as he pulls away to look at Isaac.

  “I came here to see you, Buddy!”

  “And my Mommy, too?”

  Isaac looks back at me and smiles. “And you’re Mommy, too.”

  “What are you doing tonight?” He excitedly jumps up and down as he asks.

  “Well, I thought I would let you pick. What should the three of us do tonight, Benny? We’ll do anything you want.”

  “Hmmmm.” He taps his stubby finger on his lips and then points it into the air. “I got it! Let’s go eat dinner and then look for jelly fish on the beach!”

  “At the same place as last time?” Isaac asks him, meaning the first place the three of us ever went together.

  “Yeah! I want chicken fingers again!”

  Isaac reaches for Benny’s hand. “Well, what are you waiting on?”

  I open the passenger side door and notice a peach colored rose sitting in the seat. I pick it up so I can sit down. I twirl the stem of the rose in my hand as Isaac drives to the restaurant. As I run my fingertips over the soft petals, I finally work my way to ask. “Peach?”

  That is all I need to say for Isaac to understand my question.

  “Sincerity,” he pauses. “To emphasize the earnestness this is to me, I guess. That I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” He never once takes his eyes off the road as he drives.

  I thumb the thorns that shoot out of the sides of the stem, grown there in protection to deter any harm from destroying the flower. It really does make sense as to why roses have thorns. Why take something as beautiful and delicate as a rose and sever it from its home, only to let it die in the end? I prick my finger on the end of one of the sharp spines until the tip of my finger bleeds, as a reminder to myself that I have to be careful with Isaac.

  ~

  In between bites, Benny colors away on the coloring sheet that was included with the kids menu. He’s currently turning a massive mean looking shark the color pink.

  “How did your training go this week? I haven’t had a chance to ask you.” I take a bite of a crisp french fry before picking up my turkey club sandwich and finishing the last bite of it.

  “I’m really hopeful about it. I think of all the candidates, I was the best out there for sure. I know that sounds a little egotistical to say, but I’m really confident over it. But, then as crazy as it sounds, I’m nervous of what it will do to me if I don’t get offered the position. This is all I’ve ever wanted. Everything I’ve done until now was in preparation for this.”

  “When will you find out?”

  He takes a sip of his sweet tea before answering me. “Sometime this weekend, they never gave a specific day or time. I’m sure I will be hovering over my phone until I get the call,” he jokes.

  “Don’t worry about it. I have confidence that they will choose you. You are so passionate about becoming a detective. I know anyone else who knows you can see that. They would be out of their minds if they didn’t choose you.”

  Isaac’s grin makes my heart flutter, aflutter that I have to push away and ignore. He deserves so much more than I can give him.

  “I’m done!” Benny drops his crayon onto the table. “Can we go look for jellyfish now?” I can always count on Benny to save me from the moment. Luckily for me, he really has finished eating all of his food, and so have Isaac and I.

  Isaac leaves cash on the table with the receipt before we head down the steps to the beach. We walk over a mile but never find any jellyfish, so we decide to make the extra mile long walk to the pier in hope to see some dolphins. Supposedly they are pretty active this time of day in this area.

  Benny and I sit on the edge of the pier, dangling our feet below. Isaac sits down on the other side of Benny and we all cup our eyes in makeshift binoculars as we try to see any dolphin fins sticking out in the glassy water.

  “Over there,” I exclaim when I finally see one. I’ve never seen a dolphin before, so I act like a little kid myself once I spot it.

  Isaac stands up and swings Benny up onto his shoulders. “Oh, I see it now. There are three of them,” Isaac announces once they get closer into view.

  “Just like us,” Benny proudly boasts.

  I never thought I would associate the number three to the company of Benny and me, but here we are.

  Now that we have seen the dolphins, we decide to walk back to the car so we can go get ice cream for dessert. Benny eventually falls asleep half way back on the long walk to the restaurant parking lot. He never was one to nap, always fighting it until his little eyes can take no more.

  “I know he’s asleep, but can we please make a pit stop at my house for a bit? I’m not ready for the night to be over and I have something I want to show you.”

  “Yeah, that’s fine. I’m not really tired yet anyway.”

  I lay Benny on the bed in Isaac’s spare bedroom once we get to his house. I tuck him in under the covers and kiss the top of his head. He’ll be out for the night. I walk out of the room and do not see Isaac anywhere. He must have heard my footsteps, because he calls for me from the sun room where the piano sits. “In here.”

  I walk in and sit down beside him on the piano bench. He has a picture album in his hands opened up to the middle. He slides it over into my lap and points at a picture of a beautiful brunette woman. “That’s my mom.”

  “Well I know where you got your charming looks from,” I tease him, but really mean it.

  “You remind me a lot of her. How good of a mom she was to me. How hard sh
e worked to give me everything she could. You do the exact same for Benny. I will always be grateful for the sacrifices she made for me. But, I also wish she would have let herself live for her, too. My dad broke her heart so bad that she never forgave herself for letting him crumble her like that. I swore I’d never end up like her. Die with the pain of a broken heart. That’s why I started with the tattoos. As a permanent reminder to not let myself ever feel the pain she felt from love.” I look into his eyes, never blinking as he goes on. “Until meeting you, I truly thought I would be okay going on the rest of this life by myself.”

  “Isaac,” his name gently rolls off my tongue.

  He takes the photo album and lays it on top of the piano before taking my hands in between his. “Vada, I’m not pressuring you. That isn’t what I was trying to do here. I just wanted to share that piece of me with you. To let you know that if for some reason you have any doubts in the future, that I’ll always be here waiting for you. If you and Benny left tomorrow and returned ten years from now, I’ll welcome you with open arms. You may leave, but I’m not going anywhere and I’ll pray and wait for you to return back to me one day. In the meantime, I want to share every moment of my life with you and Benny.”

  “I wish I could love you the way you love me,” I honestly tell him. Even if I allowed myself, I could never put him at risk of being in danger of Vincent, too. It’s bad enough that Benny is.

  “I know. You don’t have to try to explain.” He stops the conversation by gently kissing my lips. “I’m just happy that we could go back to where we were.”

  “Is it okay if Benny and I just stay here tonight? I don’t really want to have to move him while he’s asleep again.”

  “Of course, the two of you are always welcome here.”

  “If he wasn’t here, I would probably sleep in your room with you. I found that I sleep so much better when you’re with me. But, I don’t feel right doing that with Benny here, even with it being innocent and not being anything more than sleeping between you and me.”