by Tanya Hanson
He punched at the tree’s trunk, and a new terror swamped him. She’d given up custody, but she was Ella’s mother. What if some judge…
Lynn rose to her feet and faced him. Shorter than he recalled, she still posed a nice-looking figure and face, although there were hard-luck lines around her big blue eyes.
“I couldn’t come then, Hoop.” Her gaze bore into his, and he had to give her a grudging credit. He knew she longed to look away. “I was serving four years on drug charges.”
Gut-punched, he gasped on pure air. He’d often wondered what became of his wife, but he never would have added prison to the multiple choice list. Right now he had no response. His breath came out cold, and he had no choice but to lower himself onto the grass. “Go on,” he managed finally.
She joined him. “I’m trying to put my life back together. I’ve done rehab and am doing the twelve steps. I came to Mountain Cove to…ask everyone for forgiveness. I didn’t realize I’d crash Kenn’s wedding. But…”
For a long while, all he heard was breeze rustling the branches and tossing leaves to the ground. One landed on her fancy hat.
“But what?” Whatever she had to spout, he needed to hear. “Besides bad timing.”
With a loud sigh, she looked away. “I’m staying at the Ricochet Motel. Everybody’s talking about the wedding.” She gave him one of those looks that in the past had brought him to his knees, when he’d handed her his credit card without question, given her the keys to everything he owned including his heart. “And I realized I could see Ella.”
Uh-oh. Here it comes. His heart throbbed, and he grasped for God.
She read his thoughts. That was one thing she’d been good at. “Oh, no. Hoop. I don’t want custody. I’m in no shape to care for a child. I can barely tend to myself. But…if it’s OK, I’d like to see her from time to time.”
If that was all, he couldn’t very well refuse. But resentment couldn’t help churn in his gut.
“Well and good now. No diapers or colic. She’s a charming little human. But I’m the one who stayed up nights when she was sick. Did the potty training and two o’clock feedings. Put the bicycle together last Christmas Eve. Where were you?”
“I just told you. The big house.”
“You didn’t leave Hearts Crossing for jail, Lynn. Make some sense here.”
He remembered the note she’d left. I’ve got to get out. It’s not you. It’s me. Lynn. For the billionth time, he snorted. Whenever anybody said it’s not you, it’s me, they meant, it’s you, after all.
“It wasn’t you, Hoop.” She said the words out loud now, and his fists clenched in his lap. Damp switchgrass leached into the seat of his pants. Ah, well, high time to get back into jeans at home.
Home. He looked around to the log-sided bungalow, and his heart fired up. Had she ever belonged inside?
“I’ve learned since then I suffered from severe post-partum depression. One day when you were out on the range, it hit me. I wanted to…harm the baby. Myself. I had to get out of there. Right then”
“You didn’t think to ask me for help?”
She shook her head. “I never felt good enough for Hearts Crossing to begin with. I always missed the city, and you knew it.”
“Well, how about turning to God?”
She shook her head again. “In those days, the God of you Hearts Crossing folks wasn’t mine. I’ve learned since then, though, and He’s back in my life. I ended up in California for a while. To get warm.”
“Warm?” he scoffed. “You grew up in Denver.”
“Hence twenty-five years of snow. But I got into ‘snow’ anyway.”
Hoop didn’t know drug lingo, but he suspected that was a nickname for some illegal substance.
“Finally stumbled back to Colorado with some loser boyfriend…now ex, by the way, and you know the rest.”
Ex-boyfriend? Did that mean she wanted him back? Were they meant to be a family again? Confusion warred in his gut.
“I don’t want to get back together, Hoop. I came here simply to apologize and ask for forgiveness. And, well, to see Ella once in a while. If she wants it, that is. I’m not going to force myself on her.”
“Of course she’ll want to see you. You’re her mother. She’s been saying lately you didn’t want her, but that’s just how she feels. You know school kids and how mean they can be. Those words never came from me.”
Lynn’s face turned bright red, but she merely said, “Oh, school.”
“Yep. Kindergarten this year.”
Lynn’s eyes shut. “For years, I never even remembered her birthday. Can you ever forgive me?”
Tears dripped down her face, and he reckoned she wanted him to hold her, but that wasn’t going to happen. He’d do his duty by her, but that didn’t include love. Instead, he put a hand on her shoulder in what he hoped was an encouraging way.
“What will you do now?”
After wiping her eyes, she gave him a watery smile and bobbed her head. “I took a hat making course in the ‘big house’ and I’m learning to sew.” She smoothed her skirt.
He shrugged. “Looks like you’re better at hats.”
“Yep. You got that right. I really took to millinery.” Her laugh sounded pure, and he reckoned she truly hadn’t come back to make trouble. “I got a job making costumes for a Wild West reenactment group. When I’ve served my parole, I’ll be able to travel to historic places like Cody and Virginia City and Williams, Arizona.”
“I’m glad. I mean that.” And he did, but he wasn’t sure what else to say or what else to feel. The shock of seeing her had abated somewhat, and a sudden weariness clamped his shoulders. Let it be over and done, so he could go back to the wedding. Back to Ella.
Back to Mallie.
“Hoop, I’ve taken a room at the motel for the next few days. I won’t…I won’t be pestering your family today. I’ll make peace before I leave the area. And I, well, I’m not sure how to go about meeting…our daughter, but…”
“You don’t want to mess her up today.” He finished for her. “That is kind of you. Ella’s bound to be mixed up. We’ll work on a good time before you leave.”
His heart felt heavy, though. He didn’t want to deprive Ella of a relationship with whatever kind of mother Lynn might become, but he knew how charming his little girl was, how he ached to be with her. It wouldn’t take Lynn long to fall under Ella’s spell. And that meant visitation of some kind. And with Lynn eventually off to Cody and Virginia City and Arizona, where did that leave his happy home?
She claimed she didn’t want to get back together with him, but what if that was best for Ella’s sake?
She raised her face to the sun dappling through the branches. “You proposed to me right here.”
“Thanks for reminding me.” Hoop kept his voice clipped to keep emotion out of it. “Eight years ago next February.” He had to ask. The question had been bugging him for more than five years. “Did you ever love me?”
She turned to him like she was surprised, but her cheeks flushed. He wished he hadn’t asked. One thing he didn’t need more of was bad feelings about Lynn.
“Why, Hoop. Of course. And I loved this beautiful ranch. Your folks and all those brothers and sisters.” Her lips pursed like she wanted to say something else but weighed in on it first.
“Go on. I think the time of hurt feelings is long past, don’t you? I’ll start off by letting you know my feelings for you left when you did. I got some respect for your position as Ella’s mom, but God helped me latch onto that. And that’s it.”
She shrugged. “All right. It was just me and Mom in that little apartment in the Whittier district. I wanted somewhere nice to live. A family. I had student loans up to my ears, and I thought, looking at all this, that…”
Ah. He understood now. “That I was a rich rancher.” Heat of disillusion blasted him. Everybody at Hearts Crossing contributed. How could Lynn have missed that? Pa had made it clear long ago the ranch couldn’t sustain everybod
y. Everybody needed to make his or her mark. And after Pa’s death, the ranch prospered because of taking risks with new ventures such as the wagon train tours, the Woodside development, and Christy’s wedding site at Posy’s Grove.
Disgusted, he got to his feet and held a hand to help her up. She declined. “I’ll stay a bit longer. That’s my car up the bluff.” She pointed to a faraway smudge. “I’ll leave in a little while. But I’m serious, Hoop. I mean to make right.”
“I wish you well, then.” He did mean it. “You’re Ella’s mother, and for that reason, you’ll always be a part of Hearts Crossing. Part of me. The best thing I can say right now is, go with God.”
She nodded at him, eyes misting, and he gave her a little salute off an imaginary brim. Suddenly his head pumped cold. Maybe tonight after his prayers, he could dredge up the few happy memories they’d shared and forget the bitter ones once and for all.
As he trudged back to the wedding tent, he met up with Kenn and Christy wandering among the guests. The bride grabbed his hand right away. “We heard Lynn’s here. Don’t sweat her crashing the wedding.”
He chuckled. “Oh, don’t worry. She won’t be showing her face. But…” He sobered. His shock and anger had abated, and he recalled her much-more important words. “She’s here to ask everybody for forgiveness. She’s given her life over to the Lord.”
“Then there’s joy all around this day,” Kenn told him. “Now you better go get your girls.”
“My girls?”
Kenn pointed “Over there.”
And “over there” in a corner of the tent, he watched Mallie and Ella tossing butter mints into each other’s mouths, laughing like crazy, and his heart tumbled to the soles of his feet. And he felt it like stepping on a campfire even with the neuropathy.
9
“Daddy!” Ella shrieked and ran into Hoop’s waiting arms. He knelt and gathered her close, and Mallie almost melted at the heartwarming scene. He looked fresh-faced and relaxed, so the meeting with his ex must have gone well.
“Howdy, Mallie.” The grin he gave her took her breath away. She had to carve it into her memory, because she’d be leaving soon enough. “I’m going to grab a plate of grub. Hold that place next to you.”
She’d eaten hearty herself; Kelley’s chef friends from Denver had catered a fabulous meal. And Hooper wasn’t being shy right now. While he ate, he talked with his eyes and balanced Ella on his lap. Finally, she ran off to join a herd of other kids.
“Things went fine,” he said at last while he cleansed his palette with a glass of iced tea. “I guess.”
“That’s a good thing. I know you’ve been wanting a mother for Ella. Maybe…” It ached to say it. “Maybe this is part of God’s plan. Her finding you again.”
He choked over a mouthful of something, and after a good cough, he found his voice. “What do you mean?”
“You mentioned something about, well, dating again and finding Ella a new mom. Maybe Lynn’s the one after all.” Like she’d done earlier, she recited memorized words. Hers, though. Not the grace of Scripture.
“‘The one’ is a pretty big term,” he grumbled into his tea. “But no, Lynn doesn’t live in my heart anymore.”
“Maybe. But it wasn’t always like that. You obviously had feelings for her once.” Mallie didn’t want to push, but it would feel better to know.
“Mallie? What are you saying? You want me back with her?” Hoop’s eyelids, squinted from years in the sun, opened wide.
She picked up her own glass even though it was empty. “I don’t know. I want you to be happy, but…”
“Then it’s not with Lynn.”
“Well, it’s not with me either, Hoop. We had fun, a little wedding romance. If that, even. But…”
His eyes grew wider yet, and she read a pain in them. With a shake of his head, he looked around the busy tent. “Mallie, this isn’t exactly where I want to talk about any of this.”
“But we’re running out of time.” The words hurt and came out in a puff of air with almost no sound. “Brian and I are leaving tonight.”
“Tonight?” A look of pain crossed Hooper’s face, and for once, she took pleasure in somebody’s pain. It seemed he would miss her as much as she missed him.
She looked down. “Renny’s funeral is Wednesday morning. That means I need to fly home Tuesday. I want as much time as I can get with Uncle Ted and Aunt Jeannette with my trip cut short. And Brian wants to see them, too. So we decided to leave tonight.”
Silence ticked on.
“Maybe we could still get to Posy’s Grove?” She asked. Maybe that was one little dream that could still come true.
Hoop chewed his lip. “Well, it’s not a bad trip in the truck to Old Joe’s Hole, but I’d sure like to take you on another trail ride. Horseback to Joe’s is quite a jaunt. And, you know…” His shadowed eyes blinked.
She sighed, and the sound racked her own heart. “Yeah. I’m leaving sooner than anybody thought.” So did her words.
“Well.” Air whooshed from him. “We could saddle up and head to Fortress Creek. A tad closer. We’d be back in plenty of time to send off the bride and groom and to have cake. Although…they pretty much know what’s going on. I doubt they mind.” At the half-lidded gaze he shot her, and the significance she heard in his last sentence, a thrill skimmed across her spine. More Martin matchmaking. Dangerous. Then he slapped his knees. “All right. Let’s do it. We’ll get back here in no time at all. Go get changed, and I’ll get Ma to keep an eye on Ella.”
Eager for time alone with him, however long they had, Mallie rose and waved her hand over the crowd, many wearing casual Western attire. A whole slew of others had worn clean ranch duds to begin with. “A lot of folks changed after the wedding. We won’t be out of place at all.”
“Nope. Now hurry.” He hesitated for a second but then leaned over to kiss the corner of her mouth. It blazed to the ends of her toes anyway.
She was turning into a quick-change artist, that’s for sure. Back in her room, she hustled into her jeans and gave in to the instinct of opening the drawer and just running her finger over the leather cover of the Bible inside. Whatever strength she needed, whatever words she needed to find, she trusted God to provide. Leaving Hoop was painful, but it was for the best.
Looming clouds scudded shadows across the foothills, browning now in autumn, the mountains reaching high into the endless sky as Hoop helped her mount up. Both of them knew full well she could do it herself, but she enjoyed the physical contact, positive he did, too. A funny grief pummeled. Horses and wide open skies weren’t part of her California life. All those sunny days as a Colorado kid washed over her.
Hoop reined Alamo abreast of Crazy Horse, who had readily taken to the familiar path.
“All right. We’re alone now. Nobody around to hear our deep, dark secrets.” He gave her a crooked grin.
“No dark secrets, Hoop.”
“Then what?” He peered at her from beneath the brim of his Stetson in the way that had her breath catch in her throat and empty from her lungs. “Don’t deny. You feel something for me.”
She fought for air and finally smiled. “I do, Hoop. Oh, I do. What’s not to like? You’re hot and healthy, and a cancer survivor, too.” Crazy Horse’s hooves clipped comfortable across the rocky trail. “But I live in California. More than that, Hoop.” She fought for words now. “I promised never to give my heart. Not to anyone. It’s nothing personal. I can’t promise much of a future.”
Alamo pulled to a stop. “Mallie, nobody knows how much time they have. I’d take any time you could give me. Long or short. Any time at all would be worth it.”
Something flashed through Mallie’s mind. Rachel had said the same about Nick. Who was hale and healthy but in danger of death every day.
“I’d like somebody there for Ella. I’m not in the clear myself.”
She emitted a soft, sobby giggle. “We’d be quite a pair then, wouldn’t we? Besides, I can’t have kids.”
“I’ve already got one.” He replied, smug, pulling the arm not holding the reins across his chest.
“I know you want brothers and sisters for her. My treatments have put me in early menopause.” She reached out across Crazy Horse, and he took her hand. Her throat tightened along with her clenching stomach. In such a glorious setting and in company of a man prepared to give his heart, her own should be blossoming with acceptance, maybe even with a new promise.
But no. It could never be. She kicked Crazy Horse to a trot.
Unperturbed, he pulled up alongside. “Let’s take a walk along the creek. Ella’s favorite bridge is up ahead.”
Ah. Ella. The sweetest of hearts. Mallie’s teeth clenched as Hoop dismounted first to help her down.
“Mallie.” As she slid from the saddle, she slid right into Hooper’s arms, and he held her against his beating heart. Nothing mattered right now, nothing else, because he did what she’d waited for. His mouth closed over hers, searching and nibbling, bringing to her the taste of mint, of tomorrow. Her lips caressed his in response, arms clasping, blood roaring in her ears.
After luxuriating for longer than was wise, for they had no tomorrows, Mallie wrenched herself away.
“Hooper, you don’t understand. I’m stable now, but I am not going to get well.” She took his hand and headed toward the little bridge. “There are no good statistics for GBM. You call yours T.C. Well, my mine’s short for glioblastoma multiform. I admit I’m one of those who responded well. I’m grateful for every single day. But I don’t plan beyond my next blood work and MRI. Those three months are my only safety net. The only time I live a normal life. Then the date of the tests loom, and I freak again. And since I totally believe in love at first sight, I don’t date.” She stumbled over the words. “I can’t give my heart away.” Although she knew she already had. She barreled on. “I just won’t. And worse…”
He slowed next to her. “Worse?”
“I could never be the second mother that precious little girl loses.”