Hollywood Dirty: A Hollywood Alphabet Series Thriller

by M. Z. Kelly

  “Hello,” I said, slowing my pace as I came into the room. My heel caught on something slick on the tile, possibly where Bernie had been devouring potato chips. My feet went out from under me like a skater on a frozen pond. I went down hard as my roommates gasped in unison.

  Mack came over and helped me to my feet. “You okay?”

  By the time I got upright and regained what little was left of my dignity I saw there was an expression on his face that seemed to waver between humor and horror, probably a reaction to my roommate’s comments.

  “You’ve got a big fish on the line with this one,” Nana said to me. She then made a ridiculous arf arf sound, that I think was supposed to be an imitation of a seal.”

  “Maybe there’s hope for you after all,” Mo said regarding me before eyeballing Mack, who looked like he’d walked out of the pages of Men’s Health magazine. “Or it could be a case of someone inviting you to a pity party.”

  I was about to defend myself when Natalie said to me, “Maybe Mack would like to come to our class.” She turned to him. “Mo and me are puttin’ on this class ‘bout sex and relationships. Kate’s gonna either take a knock out drug or talk about crazy perverted sex practices. She hasn’t decided which one yet.”

  “Really?” Mack said, looking at me like it was taking every muscle in his body to keep from bursting out laughing.

  “Maybe we should go for a stroll,” I suggested, grabbing Bernie’s leash and then Mack’s arm before Tex could talk about sex toys or Prissy could give him a fashion show or the others could find another way to impugn what was left of my shredded character.

  When we were in the front yard Bernie sniffed along the flower bed as Mack said, “You have quite the collection of roommates. Are you related to any of them?”

  I sighed, wondering if things could have gone any worse. “We’re just all very close. So close that I’m planning to murder them.” I looked into his impossibly deep blue eyes. “You’ll probably read about the homicides in the paper tomorrow.”

  He chuckled and then motioned to the car. “There’s someone who would like a little visit with you and Bernie before you commit your crimes.”

  We walked to the car and I saw the wet nose of a puppy fogging up the window.

  “Bubba,” I said, retrieving the little dog from the car. We watched as the brown and white furry cross between Bernie and Mack’s dog, Thelma, began frolicking in the yard with his father.

  We chatted about the dogs, how they were two of a kind. I learned that the other puppy Bernie had sired, Betty, was home with Mack’s housekeeper. After more small talk, the conversation shifted, becoming more serious.

  “I wanted to come by and let you know I’ll be gone for several weeks,” Mack said. “The government is interested in using my linguistic skills in a couple of middle-eastern countries.”

  “I hope you’re not going any place dangerous.”

  Mack spoke multiple languages, thanks to his mother who was a linguist. Even as I told him to be careful, I realized that he’d lived his entire life in dangerous places. And there was no one I knew who could take better care of himself than the former navy SEAL.

  “I’ll be fine, but I did want to clear the air before I left.”

  I sighed, looking away from him. “I didn’t handled things very well when we were at the park the other day. Jack was…”

  My gaze came back to him as he shook his head and interrupted me. “No need to explain. I understand how relationships can sometimes be difficult, take unexpected turns.”

  He looked away for a moment and I wondered when he’d mentioned relationships if he’d also been thinking about his wife. She’d been dead for several years, the victim of a drunk driver, but I had the impression that Mack had never gotten past the loss.

  He turned back to me. “I think it’s best that we don’t have any mutual expectations.”

  I breathed, regarded him, and then looked away. “I’m not sure what you mean?”

  “I’ll be gone for quite a while, Kate.” He reached out and took me in his arms. He then lifted my chin up until our eyes met. “And you have some things you need to work through. I don’t want to be in a relationship under those circumstances.”

  I nodded, at the same time realizing there were tears in my eyes. “Okay. I guess I understand.”

  He hugged me and then called over to Bubba. As he retrieved the puppy, he said, “One other thing. I was wondering if in a few weeks you’d be interested in taking custody of Bubba. I could make the arrangements with Piper, my housekeeper, to bring him by.”

  I breathed, crossed my arms. “Wow, that’s a tough one.” I turned away from him, brushing my tears. “Let’s see, my life’s one big disaster, I can’t handle my own relationships, I’ve got a job that keeps me up at all hours of the day and night, and my roommates are…like something from another planet.” I looked at the dogs, then back to him. “But I guess Bubba does need a daddy.” I then thought about the other puppy. “What about Betty?”

  “Piper can handle her,” Mack said as he helped Bubba back into the car. He stood there for a moment before we found each other’s eyes again. He came closer and gave me a hug.

  I fell against his chest. “I’m so sorry I messed everything up.” The tears were a steady stream on my cheeks again.

  He kissed me on the top of my head. “Maybe one of these days we can sort through everything, see what happens.”

  After he drove away I walked back into the house, sobbing and thinking how everyone I ever cared about seemed to go away.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “Mind if I sit here?” Nana said to the Elvis impersonator after we boarded the Southwest flight for Las Vegas the next morning. Before the man could respond, Nana lowered her voice and said, “Thank-you…thank-you very much.” She laughed, did a knee slap, and sat down next to him.

  “Very funny,” Elvis growled as we all buckled in. “Just don’t step on my blue suede shoes.”

  We were in seats that faced each other, Natalie and me sitting across from Nana and her grumpy new friend. Elvis was probably pushing into the upper regions of seventy with a belly that was doing its best to pop the buttons on his white sequined jumpsuit. His sad face was round and fleshy. He looked like a depressed Humpty Dumpty with something resembling a dead rodent on his head.

  Nana adjusted her own wig, which was red and slightly longer than Elvis’s head ornament. Her matching red lips turned down as she studied her sad fellow passenger. “Wow, somebody musta gotten up on the wrong side of the commode.” She chortled and then did another impersonation, crooning, “Viva Las Vegas.”

  Elvis shook his big fleshy head back and forth, exhaled. “Everybody’s a comedian. Just so you know, some of us gotta make a living.”

  “Are you playin’ at one of the big hotels?” Natalie asked as my phone rang. “Maybe we could all go see you at the Bellagio.”

  Elvis grimaced like he had a bad case of acid reflux. “I’m in Vegas for the impersonator contest at the Wormwood Hotel. There’s gonna be two hundred of us competing for five thousand bucks. If I don’t win the prize money I’m gonna kill myself.”

  “Those aren’t very good odds,” Natalie said. “Hope you have a gun or some sleepin’ pills handy.”

  Natalie was never one to display a lot of compassion, especially toward strangers. There was something about Elvis’s tone that made me think he wasn’t kidding about offing himself. I answered my phone as Nana tried to bolster his spirits.

  “You got twenty-four hours and then it’s back to work,” I heard Lieutenant Edna say. “I don’t care if your mother’s having brain surgery. I want you back in Holly-fucking-Wood tomorrow morning.”

  “Thanks for the support.” Something was obviously bothering him. “What gives?”

  “The new chief is taking a personal interest in our case.”

  “You mean, The Beast?”

  Our new chief’s given name was Bradley East. When he was sworn in someone made the m
istake of making up a name placard for the podium that read, B East. As far as the officers were concerned, the chief’s fate and nickname as the devil incarnate was in that moment forever sealed.

  “That would be him.” Edna said. He paused and I heard him blowing out a breath. “The Beast is also letting the press into our case.”

  “What? Are you kidding me?”

  “He’s embedding Haley Tristan, giving her what he calls a press buddy pass. It’s something NYPD did on one of their cases. He thinks it will be good PR for the department.”

  Haley Tristan and I were adversaries, at best, and enemies, at worst. “I can’t believe this.”

  “Believe it. Tristan gets to be there every step of the way. The only condition is she has to get the okay from MRS before she goes to print with any sensitive details.” MRS was the department’s Media Relations Section.

  Nana continued to try and convinced Elvis that his life was worth living as I took a page out of the lieutenant’s playbook book and said, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

  . “Wish I was. Since you and Tristan already have a relationship, I’m assigning her directly to you. Consider yourself her fucking babysitter.”

  I pleaded my case to Judge Edna. “I was forced to give her an interview about a prior case to save my ass after her aide slept with one of the det…”

  “I know all about it,” Edna bellowed. “Doesn’t count for shit now. All that matters is that you make sure your butt is back at the station at zero eight-hundred tomorrow morning so that you can play nice with your newspaper buddy.”

  I ended the call as the plane’s captain announced that we were ready for takeoff. I needed to vent and explained what the lieutenant had said to Natalie.

  She shrugged and motioned to Nana and her new friend. “It could be worse. You could be Elvis.”

  I looked over and heard Nana saying to her new best friend, “It’s settled. Anyone named Hubert who had his name legally changed to Elvis needs my help. I’m dumping Ace and helping you with your career.”

  Elvis’s desperate, watery eyes grew wider, his gaze swam around the cabin, then came back to Nana. Humpty Dumpty looked like he was contemplating jumping out of the plane after takeoff. The thought of having to work with Haley Tristan made me wonder if the king of rock would take me with him.

  Elvis pleaded with Nana, “You don’t have to do this…”

  “I insist,” Nana warbled. She patted her victim’s, I mean companion’s, knee. “I’ve got a feeling that we’re going to be real chummy before the night is over. Have you ever heard of something called Xandiva?”

  ***

  After landing, Natalie and I said our goodbyes to Nana and Elvis and caught a cab from the airport. The spring air in the city was warm, the traffic surprisingly light. I gave the cab driver the last known address I had for my mother, which I knew from the Internet was in a wealthy suburb of the city.

  My stomach was churning at the prospect of seeing my mother. I’d been anticipating this moment since I first learned the truth about her. I tried to steady my nerves as we pulled away from the curb and Natalie made small talk.

  “Too bad we can’t watch the Elvis auditions tonight,” Natalie said. “Gotta feeling Nana’s new boyfriend is gonna blow his brains out on stage.”

  “It might be preferable to being a participant in Nana’s clinical trial.” I picked a piece of Bernie’s fur off my blue blazer. I’d left my furry companion with Charlie for the day, with strict orders not to feed him any junk food.

  “Speaking of relationships, give me the low down on Mack. Are you two doing the bump and grind again?”

  “I’d rather not talk about it.”

  “Come on, missy. You’re not the only one with troubles. Tex and me are on the outs for a bit.”

  “Really? What happened?”

  “We were making the beast with two backs when he caught me cheating on him.”

  My brow knitted. “I’m not sure what you mean?”

  “It was taking him awhile and I saw my cell phone sitt’n on the dresser, so I sent a couple of texts.”

  “During sex?”

  Natalie chucked. “Guess that makes me a multi-tasker.”

  The cab driver cleared his throat, coughing into his hand, maybe suppressing laughter.

  “Okay, it’s your turn,” Natalie went on. “Give it up about Mack.”

  My chest heaved. “It’s over. Mack’s leaving the country for a while. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with any expectations while he’s gone. I’m single again.”

  “That’s bloody awful. Your luck with men is worse than my cousin Clara’s. She once dated a bloke who grunted like a warthog when they had sex.”

  “How romantic.”

  I took a moment, pushing thoughts of my breakup with Mack away as I again anticipated seeing my birth mother. I’d rehearsed what I was going to say to her at least a hundred times, but it now all seemed wrong. Maybe I should just say, “Hi Mom, I’m the daughter you never knew and never bothered to see.” My emotions were circling a black hole as Natalie went on about my relationships.

  “What about Jack? Any chance you can re-hook the hook-up?”

  “I think the hook-up is a permanent hang-up since he ran into Mack at the park.”

  My depression spiraled deeper toward the abyss as I recalled falsely accusing Jack of cheating on me.

  Natalie finally changed the subject. “I’ve decided on me segment for the sex and relationships class.”

  “I’m not sure I want to hear it.”

  “I’m calling it Vagina Angina. It’ll be ‘bout painful breakups, bad relationships, that sorta thing.”

  “I’m not going to be your guest speaker, if that’s where you’re headed.”

  “Mo’s gonna call her segment Crazy Love, how to get it and how to keep it.”

  “Very inspiring.”

  Natalie smiled, unaware that I was contemplating joining Elvis on stage with a gun after he lost his competition. “I think it’s great news about your break-ups.”

  “Yes, I’ve always thought being alone and miserable would be a wonderful way to spend the rest of my life.”

  Natalie clapped her hands together, an early warning that trouble was brewing. “I’ve been thinking ‘bout your situation, Kate. It reminds me of something they call product placement.”

  “Huh?”

  “I read about it on the Internet. A company places a product in a store so that they make sure it’s gonna be seen by as many shoppers as possible.”

  “I’m not standing on Hollywood Boulevard and look for a guy if that’s what you have in mind.”

  “No, but I was thinkin’ maybe you could make yourself more visible by coming to me and Mo’s class and…”

  “I’ve already decided…”

  “Just hear me out.” My lungs slowly deflated and I shook my head as she went on. “I’ve invited our hunky yoga instructor, Dave Hamlin, to the class. He’s hot Kate and he’s not in a relationship.”

  “He’s probably gay.”

  “Nope. He’s as straight as a pecker in a plum pie.”

  I repeated my sigh, thinking how I’d just blown it with a hot guy. I humored her anyway. “Okay, go on.”

  “So I was thinkin’ you could attend the class, do your segment on dating safety, and I could introduce the two of you. We then let nature take its course.” She nudged me. “Or intercourse.”

  The cab began to slow down as the driver searched addresses on the street. Something seemed wrong about the neighborhood.

  “Let me think about it,” I said to Natalie, just to end the discussion. I then called to our driver, my anxiety level spiking. “I think we’re in the wrong part of the city.”

  The driver, whose cab registration card announced he was from a middle-eastern country, said, “We are here, lovely lady. St. Clair’s. It is the place you are seeking to be.”

  I looked at Natalie, then back at the driver. “I don’t understand.
The address I gave you was on Hazelwood Avenue. That’s a residential neighborhood.” I glanced out the window again. “This looks like some kind of hospital.”

  “You are correct,” the driver said. “But the street numbers you have given to me are for Hazelwood Boulevard not Hazelwood Avenue. My Google machine does not lie. We are in the right place.”

  “Maybe your mum was in some kind of accident,” Natalie suggested.

  “Maybe.” I turned back to the driver. “Can you wait for us?”

  “That will not be a problem, providing you are paying your fare to me.”

  I paid him what was on the meter before we got out of the cab. As we walked toward the glass front doors I saw a sign that read, St. Clair’s Convalescent Hospital. My anxiety level was shifting from anticipation to something bordering on dread as we stopped in front of the building. I suddenly felt a little dizzy and weak.

  “Are you okay?” Natalie asked, taking my arm. “Let’s sit for a spell.”

  We found a bench near the entrance. I looked at Natalie and said, “I’m feeling a little nervous about everything.” I glanced toward the front doors. I saw a receptionist behind a counter in the lobby. “This isn’t what I was anticipating.”

  “I know how you’re feeling. Me mum and me never got on when I was a child. A few years ago I met up with her in Paris. She used to be a model but had gained a lot of weight. She wasn’t very happy to see me.” Natalie patted my hand. “But I got past it, Kate. Life is never what ya think it should be. You just gotta keep calm and carry on.”

  “I guess you’re right about that.” I took a deep breath and glanced back toward the entrance. “Let’s go see Judie Crawford.”

  In a moment Natalie and I were standing in the hospital lobby talking to a middle-aged woman with a kind face whose name tag read, Peggy. After introductions I said, “I’d like to see Judie Crawford.” I tried to steady my voice. “Is she a patient here?”

  Peggy removed her glasses. Her fleshy face reminded me of a woman I’d known as a child who taught Bible study classes. “Yes, she’s been here for quite some time.”