Eternity and Other Stories

by Lucius Shepard

  • • •

  2009 hours

  They touch before they enter the fire. Not skin to skin, just resting their helmets together, acknowledging the agreement they have made, a soul contract that will cover either a few minutes, an eternity, or a week in Tecolutla. Then they walk forward into the flames. Wilson watches them on his helmet display, two silhouetted man-shaped robots slipping seamlessly inside the glaring reddish orange wall, and then there’s no time to watch, he’s moving fast, the cooling unit of his suit already beginning to labor.

  The floor of hell is plated in yellow metal, at least Wilson thinks it’s yellow and thinks it’s plated. Hard to be sure of color from within the lurid, inconstant glare of the flames, and it might not be plated, it might be a vein of some perfect substance, God in mineral form. It’s neither gold nor brass, for those metals would melt from the heat and this metal is unmarred. It’s inscribed with the serpentine flourishes and squiggles of Arabic characters, each one longer than a man, and they are written everywhere he looks. The text of the Qur’an, perhaps, or of some other sacred book undelivered to the earth. In the depths of the brightness around him, he sees movement that’s not the liquid movement of fire and shapes that aren’t the shapes of flame, intimations of heavy, sluggish forms, and he swings his rifle in quick covering arcs. The rifle is a beautiful thing. Should he fall in the fire, overcome by heat, it will continue to function, lying there to be used by whatever weaponless soldier happens by, irrespective of the fact that no soldier will ever pass this way again. He keeps GRob on his left, concentrated more on her target environment than on his. The roaring of the inferno sounds different now, a river sound, a flowing, undulant rush, and the ruddy light comes to seem an expression of that rush, its flickering rhythms sinuous and almost soothing.

  Half a mile in, he knows they’re in trouble. The heat. His suit, sheathing him in machinery and plastic, fitting tightly to his skin, extrudes an ointment and injects him with mild numbing agents. He hears GRob gasping over their private channel. His helmet, already dark, darkens further. According to his instrument array, they are surrounded by a myriad of invisible lives, and everything else reads infinite. He doesn’t switch off the array, but realizes he can’t trust it. Allah, he says to himself, and lets the sonority and power of the name bloom inside his head like a firework, a great inscription of cool radiance, a storm of peace that lets him ignore the pain of his blistering skin. They keep going. It’s who they are. There’s no quit in this bad blond and her sixty-rounds-per-second man, this mad-ass detonatrix and her Colorado killer…The silly lyrics of his thoughts make him gleeful, unwary, seduced by the golden rock ‘n’ roll legend he’d like to fashion of their walk, and, needing to steady himself, he boosts more IQ. Mega-dangerous levels. He’s long since maxed out, but it doesn’t matter. He’ll live or he’ll die by the will of God and by that alone.

  Three-quarters of the way across, by Wilson’s estimate, and now they’re in serious trouble. Slowed by narcotic injections, their blisters evolved into burns, stumbling, veering to the side. It takes too much energy to talk, so he puts on his tunes, transmits them to GRob, and feels their connection strengthen. Her green telltale on his array blinks on and off. A signal. She feels him, too. He’d walk closer to her, but is afraid he might lurch and knock her down. A slow crawl of thought runs through his head. Images and the names that generate them. Like beads on the necklace of his life. GRob. Baxter. Home. Paradise. Allah. He understands that the nature of God is fire and ice, balm and poison, this and anti-this, all unified in a marvelous design, the design he’s treading, and if their act of faith succeeds and they reach Paradise, they will merely have stepped one inch in the eyes of God, because that’s how far the distance lies between faith and unbelief. His whole life has been spent traveling that inch, and now, able to grasp the sublimity of God’s design, the cleverness of His infinite text, Wilson is overcome with joy, his scorched awareness momentarily illuminated, made into a crystal lens through which he goes eye-to-eye with Allah, with the great golden white figure who fills the void…and then he sees something real. Not just an intimation of form, but something solid, having substance and volume. He switches off his tunes and peers at it. A long flexible limb, that’s his first thought. Black, with a mosaic pattern of some pale color. Whipping toward them out of the flames. A tail, he realizes. An immense fucking tail. He starts to bring up his rifle, but his reflexes are dulled, his fingers clumsy, and before he can lock down the target, the tip of the tail coils about GRob’s waist and snatches her high. She cries out, “Charlie!” while she’s being flipped about high overhead. Then the tail withdraws. As it does, as it whips away from Wilson, lashing GRob to and fro, the force of displacement sucks back the flame, creating a channel, and revealed in the fiery walls of the channel is an iconography of torment. Crucifixions, quarterings, flayings, eviscerations, hangings, people burdened by massive yokes. (Demons frolicking among them.) Hideous and subhuman, their skins scalded away, their striated muscles and sinews exposed. But Wilson barely notices them, staring toward the end of the channel, where resides a lizard the size of a dinosaur. A salamander with a mosaic black-and-pale skin. Its hindquarters and tail emergent, its flat head and supple neck and one powerful foreleg also emergent, the remainder of its body cloaked in flame. Its glazed yellow eye rests balefully upon him. The salamander twitches its tail toward its gaping black-gummed mouth, and, with the delicacy of a dowager nibbling a shrimp impaled on a toothpick, it nips off GRob’s head.

  Wilson finally manages to lock onto the salamander. He opens up, but flames wash back to fill the channel. Both the tormented and their tormentors vanish, reabsorbed into the flames, once again becoming a myriad of invisible lives, as if the creation of the channel stretched their grain and made them visible for a few seconds. Wilson has no idea whether or not his bullets have struck their target. Everything is as before. The fire, the golden script beneath his feet, the intimations of movement. All his readings are infinite. He’s too shocked, too enfeebled to scream, but his mind’s clear and his mind is screaming. He can still see GRob’s blood jetting across the salamander’s snout from her severed neck arteries, an image that invokes nausea and gains in memory the luster of a vile sexuality. He wants to spend what’s left of his time seeking out the salamander, tracking it across the Word of Allah and exterminating it. He’s hot with anger, but his will is stunned, unequal to the duty, and after standing there a while, long enough to feel discomfort, he goes stumbling forward again, heartsick, trying to blot out the vision of her death, to cope with loss, an impossible chore since he’s not certain how much he’s lost. The measure of his grief seems too generous and he thinks he must be grieving for himself as well, for what he’s about to lose, though that’s the easiest route to take, to avoid looking closely at things. His faith has been shaken and restoring it’s got to be his priority. Perhaps, he thinks, GRob’s faith was to blame. Perhaps she was killed by doubt and not by chance. Perhaps it wasn’t only his protection that failed her, perhaps he didn’t preach to her enough. There’s guilt for Wilson at every turn, but justification serves him best, and he re-armors his faith with the notion that GRob simply couldn’t abandon her old preoccupations, couldn’t wrap her head around the new.

  He can’t remember if he’s facing the right way, whether he spun completely around after he fired and is now walking back toward the flowers. This causes him some panic, but the dizziness he’s feeling, the pain and confusion, they trump panic, they thin it out until it’s an unimportant color in his head. Faith, he says to himself. Keep the faith. He goes another quarter-mile. The slowest quarter-mile yet. His air’s become a problem. Too hot. Baking his lungs, drying the surfaces of his eyes. Either the fire’s darkening or else a vast darkness is growing visible beyond the flames. Wilson knows if it isn’t the latter, he’s a dead man. Drugs are keeping the pain damned up, but he can feel it waiting to burst through and roll over him. The cooling unit in his helmet has done its job. His face
isn’t badly burned. But the other units have been overtaxed and he doesn’t want to imagine how he looks under the suit. He’s weaving, staggering, almost falling, propping himself up with his rifle, moving like a barfly at closing time. Like he’s coming out of the desert dying of thirst, struggling toward the oasis. A shade tree, he thinks. That’s what Baxter said. First a riverbank and then a shade tree. Then Paradise. He’ll have to find the shade tree. In the dark. He can’t get a handle on his thoughts. Allah. That’s the only thought that holds and it’s scarcely a thought, more of an announcement, as if he’s some sort of fucked-up clock and every so often, irregularly, he bongs, “Allah,” a sound that gradually fades away into emotions and ideas that never quite announce themselves. Charlie. That name sputters up once in a while, too. Calling him Charlie means she must have thought of him that way…which makes the name more acceptable. But he can’t afford to care about the sweetness this implies.

  More salamanders appear, first dozens, then hundreds of them, doubtless drawn by the kill. A slithering herd of identical terrors. They prowl alongside his path, crawling over one another’s tails, snapping and poking their snaky heads toward him, scuttling ahead and then peering back as if they’re saying, Come on, man! You can make it. Maybe we’ll let you make it…or maybe not. He’s afraid, but fear won’t take root in him, his mental soil’s too dried out to support it. Without the governance of fear, his courage is reborn. He begins to find a rhythm as he walks. The bongs grow more regular, aligning with the soldiering beats of his heart, until it’s like they’re overlapping, one “Allah” declining into the rise of the next, and underneath that sound—no, surrounding it!—are voices too vast to hear, spoken by people too large to see. He senses them as fluctuating pressure, the shapes of their words, like the flames, flowing around him. The intercession, he thinks. They’re singling him out, debating his worth, judging his faith. He can’t worry about their judgment, though. He’s got his job, he’s tasked to the max. Keep bonging, keep ringing out the name of God. He’s entirely self-motivating now.

  • • •

  2322 hours

  Paradise awaits.

  Somewhere far away in the absence, like a ragged hole in black cloth open onto a glowing white sky—a light, cool and promising. That’s what Wilson sees on waking. The rest is darkness. There’s a rushing in his ears that might be a faint roaring from the wall of fire, but he believes it’s a river nearby and he’s on the bank. He’s not overheated any longer. Tired, but calm. Pain is distant. The drugs are good. His helmet array is still lit, though the digital display screen is out, or else it’s showing nothing except black. He feels remote, cast down upon a foreign shore, and he gets an urge to look at his pictures, summons them up. Mom. Dad. Ol’ Mackie. Laura. They don’t hold his interest for long. They’re past considerations. He checks his medal file. It still seems incoherent—the IQ’s worn off—but nobody’s going to be reading it, anyway. Then he decides to change number 10 on his 10 Things Specialist Charles N. Wilson Wants You To Know list. Just for the hell of it. Maybe they give out medals in Paradise. They give you better clothes, jewels and shit…so Baxter said. Why not a medal?

  He wonders where he is, exactly. The border of hell, for sure. The shade tree, he supposes, lies between the light and the spot he’s resting in. Thinking comes hard. He keeps drifting off, hearing clicking noises, screams, the voices of ghosts. He considers doing more IQ. No, he tells himself. Let them see what they’re getting. The infidel, dumb as a stump, but janitor-smart. It’s what they expect. Lights start up behind his eyes, though not the light of heaven. That’s steady and these are actinic flashes. Phosphorous flares and rocket rounds. Some taking longer to fade against the blackness than others. As if inside him there’s a battlefield, a night engagement. He’s transfixed by their bursting flower forms. It’s time, he realizes. Time to get going—tempting as it is to lie there. He blanks out for a while and the thought of GRob brings him back. At least the thought begins with GRob. Her face. And then her face changes to Baxter’s face, to another, to another and another, the changes occurring faster and faster, imposed on the same head shape, until the faces blur together like he’s seeing the faces of everyone who was alive, the history of the world, of judgment day, of something, refined to a cool video image…

  He’s got to get up.

  That’s an order, Wilson! Move your ass!

  Yes, sir! Fuck you, sir!

  Charlie! You’re going to miss the bus!

  Damn it, Charlie! Do I have to do this every morning?

  All right! I’m up! Jesus Christ!

  The Lord’s name in vain, Charlie. Every time you say it, He takes a note, he writes it down on the floor of hell in golden letters you can’t read…

  You dumb little fucker! I swear to God, man! Stand up again, I’m not gonna knock you down, I’m gon’ fuck you up!

  Charlie!

  This last voice, a woman’s scream, does the trick. It’s an effort, but he makes it, he’s up. On his hands and knees. He can’t stand, his knees won’t lock. His arms are trembly, but he’s okay for strength and only mildly dizzy. He can’t feel much at all, not even the ground beneath him. It’s like he’s resting on something as solid and as insubstantial as an idea, and because the idea is without form or void, it’s impossible to get his bearings. But he knows what to do. Find the tree. Trust to faith that you’ll find it. Throw a move on the world before it throws one on you. Here we go. Left hand forward. Drag the right knee. Right hand forward. Drag the left knee. Breathe. You repeat that ten thousand times, Wilson, you just might get to be a soldier. Alternate method. Sliding both hands forward and then dragging the haunches. Slower, but more stable. It’s a tough choice, but he’ll work it out, he’ll devise a pattern of alternation, a system by which he can rest different muscles at different times and thus maximize his stamina. He knows how to do this shit. It’s all he’s ever done, really. Going forward against the crush of force and logic. Moving smartly when smart movement is called for. Crawling through shadow, looking for shade.

  • • •

  10 Things Specialist Charles N. Wilson Wants You To Know

  Everything I’ve ever known has been no more than a powerful conviction.

  Nothing motivates like sex and death and sound effects.

  3: Politics is the Enemy.

  Jesus and Mohammed would probably hang out together.

  GRob is a hottie, maybe not as cute as Laura Witherspoon, but a woman who can kick ass is a definite turn-on.

  Love is all there is, but there ain’t enough to go around.

  War is the geometry of chaos.

  Only in the grip of fear can I appreciate the purity of my life’s disguise.

  Survival as an occupation: I am the worker bee. Survival as religion: I am its revenant priest.

  My pink-and-black skateboard with the design of the demon gleaming the cube, it is the bomb!

  CROCODILE ROCK

  You must not think of me as a reliable witness, as someone immune to bias and distortion. Every story, of course, should by rights be introduced with such a disclaimer, for we are none of us capable of a wholly disinterested clarity; though it is my intention to relate the truth, I am persuaded by the tumult of my recent past to consider myself a less reliable witness than most.

  For several months prior to receiving Rawley’s phone call, I had been in a state of decline, spending my grant money on drink and drugs and women, a bender that left me nearly penniless and in shaky mental health. It seems that this downward spiral was precipitated by no particular event, but rather constituted a spiritual erosion, perhaps one expressing an internalized reflection of war, famine, plague, all the Biblical afflictions deviling the continent—it would not be the first time, if true, that the rich miseries of Africa have so infected an expatriate. Then, too, while many American and overseas blacks speak happily of a visit to the ancestral home, a view with which I do not completely disagree, for me it was an experience fraught with odd, delicat
e pressures and a constant feeling of mild dislocation—these things as well, I believe, took a toll on my stability. Whatever the root cause, I neglected my work, traveling with less and less frequency into the bush, and sequestered myself in my Abidjan apartment, a sweaty little rat’s nest of cement block and stucco with mustard-colored walls and vinyl-upholstered furniture that would have been appropriate to the waiting room of a forward-thinking American dentist circa 1955.

  The morning of the call, I was sitting hung over, watching my latest live-in girlfriend, Patience, make toast. Patience was barely two weeks removed from her home village; city ways were still new and bright to her, and though she claimed to have previously observed the operation of a toaster, she’d never had any hands-on experience with the appliance. Stacks of buttered toast, varying in color from black to barely browned, evidence of her experiments with the process, covered half the kitchen table. The sight of this lovely seventeen-year-old girl (the age she claimed), naked except for a pair of red panties, staring intently at the toaster, laughing when the bread popped forth, breasts jiggling as she laboriously buttered each slice, glancing up every so often to flash me a delighted smile…it was the sort of thing that once might have stimulated me to insights concerning cultural syncretism and innocence, or to a more personal appreciation of the moment and my witness of it. Now, however, this sort of insight only made me feel weary, despairing of life, and I had grown too alienated to keep a collection of intimate mental Polaroids—and so I was glad when the ring of the telephone dragged me away into the living room.

  “My God, man!” Rawley said when I answered. “You sound awful.” His tone became sly and knowing. “What can you have been doing with yourself?”