Just Exes

by Charity Ferrell

  The mood in the truck shifts, as if a surprise storm suddenly rolled over us with the clench of his jaw. Instead of his fingers tapping to the beat, they’re now biting into the steering wheel.

  “Nope, no kids,” he grits out.

  I’d hand him water if I didn’t think he’d throw it out the window with enough force to split the street. My question cut out a grim memory lodged inside him.

  Were he and his wife unsuccessful in having a baby?

  “What did I just open up there?” I ask, the words falling from my mouth slowly and carefully—a skill I mastered in nursing school for better communication with patients.

  “Nothing,” he snaps. His attention is on the road, as if he were waiting for something to run out in front of us.

  “Okay,” I draw out.

  Don’t push him. Don’t try to get back in.

  I went into nursing because I wanted to heal and help people.

  The problem is, Gage is a lost cause because he doesn’t want either from me.

  “I don’t have to go to dinner,” I say. “Tell Nancy I’ll visit her sometime this week.”

  “We’re both going.”

  “Why? You look like you’d rather have your toenails ripped off than have dinner with me.”

  “It’s not you, I fucking swear it.” He pauses to take in a few breaths and calms himself. “If anything, you’ll be the only person capable of pulling me out of this funk, so I don’t walk into that dinner and act like a miserable dick.”

  “All right.”

  There’s a new level of pain powering through this gorgeous, tattered man. That teenage boy I fell in love with years ago has been replaced by someone darker. I’ll take responsibility for some of that pain, but something else had ripped him apart harder than I had.

  Whatever it is, it’s something he doesn’t want to have come out because it’ll bring him to his knees. He needs someone to keep him standing, and I was thrown into his space just in time. No matter how shattered our relationship is, I’ll never let him hurt alone.

  Everything happens for a reason.

  People can redeem themselves.

  My redemption for breaking his heart will be helping him get through this dark time.

  I shift around in my seat. “I am pretty hungry.”

  He tips his head down. “Thank you.”

  His fingers go back to tapping against the beat, and the rest of the car ride is limited to the sound of the radio. It’s quiet yet comfortable, like we’ve thrown out and taken too much for one night.

  Nancy is happy to see me when we walk in.

  Kyle, not so much.

  I’m shocked he’s allowed me to step foot into his parents’ home. The shit-eating grin on his face confirms his invite is for research purposes only. He wants to study Gage and me together.

  Nancy’s warm arms wrap around me in a tight hug. The last time I saw her was when she brought in Kyle’s younger sister with a broken leg from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong.

  Her attention goes to Gage, his hug tighter, sadder, filled with more relief. She moved into the second-mom role after his mother’s death, and I’m sure it hurt her just as much as it did Amos when he left town.

  Did they still talk after he left?

  “Lauren, honey, it’s been so long,” Nancy finally says after her hugging spree. She pokes Gage in the chest. “I’m not happy with you, young man. You haven’t visited me once since you’ve been home.”

  Gage wraps his arm around her shoulders. “Sorry. It’s been a busy month, but I promise I’ll make it up to you. You can make me roasts anytime you like.”

  I’m the only one who notices the forced excitement in his voice. It’s not that he’s unhappy being here, but our truck conversation had stirred something hard inside him that won’t be let out anytime tonight. I feel guilty that it will interfere with Nancy’s time.

  ’Tis why I need to keep my mouth shut.

  “Your father must be thrilled to have you back,” she goes on, looping her arm through his. “Dinner is ready.”

  Kyle comes to my side before I move out of the foyer, arrogance splashed on his face, and I know this conversation is going to be a fun one.

  “Satan,” he clips.

  “Asshole,” I mutter.

  “I see we’re still fond of each other.” He moves in closer, his voice falling to a whisper. “Don’t fuck him over, you hear me? This is a new Gage, a darker man, and I won’t let you hurt him again. I’ll be running you out of town next time.”

  A long sigh leaves me. “Gage and I are only friends. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  He scratches his cheek. “Wrong. Gage will never see you as just a friend. He cares about you more than his own life. He’ll never choose anyone over you, and he will sure as fuck never move on from you for some goddamn weird reason. You were his life then, and you’re still his life, no matter how much he denies or fights it.” He shakes his head. “I only hope to God the feeling is mutual.”

  My stomach twists like a coil. “We’ve grown up. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Figure out what you want with him. If you plan to only be friends, you’re doing nothing but hurting the dude. If there’s a chance you can make shit right again, then I’ll be Team Reconcile. He needs love, not heartbreak.” He glances over to Gage in the kitchen, talking to his mom. “I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s something deep.”

  We’re huddled in the corner, and I’m surprised no one has called us out for looking sketchy. It helps that everyone’s eyes are on Gage. Kyle’s two younger sisters and brother are staring at him as if he owned the world, and Nancy keeps insisting he taste-test different desserts. Kyle’s dad is nowhere to be found, which doesn’t surprise me, given he’s the mayor of Blue Beech.

  “You don’t know why he moved back to town?” I ask, watching over my shoulder, just in case Gage wants to come through and eavesdrop.

  “No idea. Been trying to drag it out of him for weeks.”

  “Was it the wife?”

  “Wife?” He scrunches his brows. “He was married?”

  “You didn’t know that?”

  “Nope. Never mentioned a wife to me.” He shakes his head in pain. “I promised myself I’d give him time to tell me what was going on before I went looking around for it. He can’t lose trust in someone else.”

  “Good luck. Whatever it is, it’s not leaving his mouth.”

  “You have a much stronger pull. If anyone can do it, it’s you.” He leans in. “You make him happy, and maybe I’ll stop hating your selfish ass.”

  I give him the brightest smile I can manage. “Cool. I’ll never stop hating you.”

  His hand goes to his chest, faking offense. “Me? The fuck did I do to you?”

  “Pissed me off when you called me Satan and for pulling me over for stupid shit over the years.”

  “Prove to me you’re not.”

  “What made you come back to this boring-ass town?” Rex, Kyle’s younger brother, asks.

  We’re at the dining room table with a spread of food in front of us. I can’t believe I’m eating so many carbs this late.

  “Language,” Nancy warns. “Just because you graduated doesn’t mean you can talk like a grown-up.”

  “I technically am a grown-up,” he fires back.

  “Not in this house. Here, you’re still my child. So, keep your profanities to when you’re hanging out with your friends.”

  Rex groans while putting his attention back on Gage. “Let me rephrase. Why’d you move away from Chicago? There’s nothing to do round here.”

  That’s the mystery of the year.

  I grab my water, hoping Gage will give him a better answer than he gave me. Doubt that will happen. Gage has loosened up since our heated talk in the car, but there’s still a wall built up in there.

  “My dad needed me,” is all he says, taking a sip of water.

  “We’re happy to have you back, and I’m thrilled
you and Kyle are partners,” Nancy cuts in, most likely to stop her nineteen-year-old son from blurting out personal questions. “I had no idea you were in law enforcement.”

  Gage wipes his mouth. “After I moved to Chicago, I went to school for a few years and did some security work, and that’s when I decided that I for sure wanted to be a police officer.”

  “It’s what we said we’d always do,” Kyle chimes in.

  Gage nods. “I guess the both of us still felt that calling.”

  “I bet you saw some traumatic shit around Chicago, huh?” Rex asks. “I’ve heard at least one person gets shot a night.”

  “Rex,” Kyle says in warning.

  Instead of joking like he did when Nancy reprimanded him, Rex shuts his mouth and leans back in his chair.

  “It’s a high-crime area for sure,” Gage answers. “It could be hard at times.”

  “What …” Sierra, Kyle’s sister, hesitates before going on, “What is the worst thing you’ve ever seen?”

  I don’t blame them for their curiosity. Blue Beech has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Robberies are rare, let alone a homicide. Had I not worked in a hospital outside of town, where I saw more than they did, I would’ve been full of questions, too.

  “I saw a woman kill her child,” Gage answers. “The worst thing I’ve ever seen is a mother who murdered her son.”

  The table goes quiet. I drop my fork. A whimper falls from Nancy’s lips.

  None of us expected that answer. Sierra and Rex were anticipating some high-speed chase, something exciting, not this appetite-killing reveal.

  And, with the click of a question, Gage’s wall has returned, now stronger than ever.

  His back is stiff against the chair, his fingers clenched around his fork, and from years of Gage experience, I know when he’s close to losing it. Someone needs to take this conversation down a different path. Everyone is thinking the same thing yet not saying anything.

  I take it upon myself to do it, racking my brain for a good conversation turner. “So, uh … I get puked on all the time at work.”

  Probably isn’t the best dinner conversation either.

  “That’s gross,” Sierra says, her face scrunching together.

  She made it a point to tell Gage she was all grown up when she sat next to him at dinner. There’s no doubt she’s all grown up. She’d been in her early teens when Gage left and always crushed on him. Gage called it cute, but the way she’s looking at him now is anything but cute. She recently turned twenty-one, and there’s nothing not grown-up about her. To be honest, she’s gorgeous.

  And she’s staring at him as if he’s more appetizing than dinner.

  Not that I can blame her.

  I see a hint of a thank-you in Gage’s eyes when he looks over at me, and Sierra and Rex start questioning me about hospital horror stories. I give them short ones that involve vomit and dealing with objects in places where no sane person would stick in certain areas. My job talk puts everyone at ease, and we enjoy Nancy’s roast.

  “Sooo …” Sierra draws out. “Are you and Gage back together?”

  Jesus. Can we be in the same room without that question popping up?

  She followed me into the kitchen after dinner while the others went outside. I can’t stop myself from looking down at the sloppy outfit that I threw on after work, considering I’d planned on showering and throwing my ass into bed, and then look at hers. I’ve never been jealous of the chick, but she’s dressed to impress tonight.

  I shake my head. “We’re trying the whole friendship thing.”

  She grins. “Perfect.”

  “What do you mean, perfect?”

  She shrugs one shoulder. “Perfect as in he’s single and you have no interest, which means it’s okay for me to ask him out.”

  Am I okay with this?

  I have to be. Might as well get used to seeing Gage with someone else now before we start enjoying each other’s company and get hooked again.

  “You can do whatever you want,” I say, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. “He can do whatever he wants.”

  She nods and walks out of the room, as if I’ve given her permission.

  I’ve never wanted to tackle someone so hard in my life.

  Eighteen

  Gage

  Surprisingly, I managed to keep my cool at dinner.

  No breakdown happened when Rex asked me about the bad shit I had seen in Chicago.

  As much as I enjoyed seeing Nancy, anxiety crawled through me with the need to leave so that I could clear my head. It’s the same reason I’ve been avoiding people. Questions don’t surprise me, and their curiosity can’t be blamed. I was gone for years without a word. I’m a stranger to them now. A stranger they want to pick apart for entertainment.

  On top of that, too much shit happened today.

  Lauren knows about Missy, people wanted too many details about my life away from here, and Lauren’s stepping in with the vomit talk helped buy me time to regain some of my composure. Her saving my ass doesn’t do anything but drag out all the feelings for her I’ve tried to keep stored away. They’re coming back harder and faster, hitting me while I’m weak.

  The short ride back from Nancy’s is filled with small talk about how delicious Nancy’s meal was, and Lauren jumps out of the truck as soon as I park in the driveway. Her door slams, and she doesn’t look back at me while going up the stairs to the loft, her bag thrown over her shoulder.

  I step out and watch her when she makes it to the top stair.

  “You’re coming up,” is all she says.

  It’s a demand, not an offer.

  And I stupidly obey.

  I toss my keys on the counter as she turns on the light.

  “There’s something you’re not telling me,” she says.

  My hands slide into my pockets. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.” It was a mistake, following her. I should’ve said good night and gone to bed.

  “Don’t lie to me, Gage Perry. I know you better than anyone. You’re hurting. Something happened while you were gone.”

  No shit.

  I steady myself and lean back against the wall. “Whatever you think you know, it’s wrong. I’m tired. Fucking sue me for it.”

  She stomps her foot and drops her bag. “I know you, Gage!”

  “No!” The word leaves my mouth louder than I intended. “You used to know me. You used to course through my motherfucking veins.” I push off the wall and stand straight. “You left me. You left me, and I ran and got hurt worse than any girl breaking my heart could ever cause. It’s not about you.” I throw my arm out and gesture to the room. “Nothing going on in my life is about you anymore.”

  I expected my response to anger her, but it does the opposite.

  “What happened there?” Her voice cracks in her question.

  A rush of adrenaline flushes my cheeks. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “What happened?” The words come out more confident this time.

  And mine are harsher. “It doesn’t fucking matter.”

  I stiffen when she takes a step into my space. “You’re hurting.”

  I snort. “Since when do you give a shit about my feelings?”

  She doesn’t come any closer, but stops only a few inches from me. “Can we please move on from the past? My God, it was years ago! We were freaking kids.”

  “Kids? We were eighteen. Eighteen and making adult decisions!”

  Sadness passes over her dark features. “What happened, happened. Yes, we have a past, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends now. And, from the looks of it, you need someone to confide in.”

  I don’t want her pity. “I have plenty of friends. Don’t need another.”

  This is the moment she closes me in, not giving me an escape as she stands in front of me, and if I back away, I’ll hit the wall.

  “Then, what do you need?” she asks.

  My answer leaves my mouth as if it’s been wait
ing there on autopilot, ready for when the time came.

  “You.” I take my hat off and toss it to the side. Not another second passes before my hand curls around the back of her head, my fingers digging into her silky hair, and my lips crash into hers. “I need the girl I fell in love with. Fuck, I need her now more than ever.”

  The thought of rejection and her pulling away doesn’t faze me. I’m lost in the moment of touching the girl who got away. Her mouth falls open, and our tongues dance together so easily when she slides hers into my mouth, like our years of separation never happened. My body reacts to the memory of her. Hers does the same.

  When she steps closer, I don’t stop her. I wrap my hands around her waist. Her chest hits mine, and I’m pushed back against the wall. A groan leaves her mouth into mine, and that’s what pulls me away. My hands fall, and I use them to brush her fingers from my chest. A whimper leaves her when I slide along the wall to move away.

  “Fuck,” I breathe out, wiping my mouth. “I’m sorry. This isn’t a good idea.”

  “Gage,” she says in an attempt to stop me from reaching the door.

  I turn around to show her who I am now, so she can see the evidence of a broken man. “Lauren, I’m not who I used to be. You don’t want me. I’m destructive, dark, and unhappy. You’re smiles and sunshine. We no longer go together, and I refuse to release my darkness onto you.”

  She repeats my name as I walk out and jog down the stairs.

  As if my timing can’t be any worse, I walk into the house to find my dad in the living room. I give him a head nod as a silent good night, but he stops me.

  He moves back and forth in his old recliner while keeping his eyes on me. “Everything okay?”

  I scrub my hands over my face. “Peachy. Just need to hit the sheets.”

  His wrinkles become more prominent, the longer he stares at me. “Have you told her?”

  That question only fuels the uncontrolled fire burning inside me tonight. “Nope, and I’m not planning on it, so keep it to yourself, okay?”