Privileged

by J.M. Downey

  Katie’s hand flew to her mouth. The monster was about to be revealed.

  “It’s okay to grieve, but it’s not alright to hurt yourself,” Mr. Morris said.

  “Really.” Keith bent his head to the side. “Sir, you have no idea. I suggest-”

  Mr. Morris grabbed Keith by the arm and pulled him into a firm embrace. Keith stood still, silent, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging opened.

  “You have no idea.” His voice choked.

  Shelly grabbed Katie’s hand and squeezed it. One could feel the tension in the room, it was so thick. Her father stroked Keith’s bangs out of his face, pulling his head to his shoulder. “Did anyone ever hold you as a child?” her father asked.

  A tear slipped down Keith’s face. No one probably ever did. What must it have been like for him as a little boy? Scared, frightened longing for the love she had given him.

  “Sir, I…. It’s my fault.”

  “In time you will see it wasn’t. No one can predict such things.”

  Was he talking about the miscarriage? He couldn’t have caused that. No, her lack of love killed the child. “It’s my fault,” she said. “I caused it.”

  Keith’s eyes opened wide and he left her father, rushing to her. He took her hands. “No. It’s mine. I’m so sorry.”

  Her brows arched. “You’re always sorry.”

  “All I have done is love you,” he said as his voice broke -tears dropped onto her hands. Keith reached to the back of her head and pulled it down so their foreheads touched. He tried to look in her eyes. “Do you know that?”

  She looked up into his eyes at the tears that formed in them, but wouldn’t fall.

  “Katie,” he said.

  Mr. Morris walked over to where they sat. “Evelyn, maybe you and Shelly should start cooking something. We all need to eat.”

  Footsteps sounded on the hardwood floor. Mr. Morris sat down on the couch. In his hands he held the Bible he had given to Keith. He opened it.

  “I love you,” Keith mouthed.

  “I hate you,” she mouthed back. Keith let go of her head and sat on the floor, looking to the side. The tears dried in his eyes, and a sharp anger replaced them. Katie tensed. What might he say or do? She closed her eyes. “I love you, Keith,” she whispered.

  He sprang off the floor, and in a second, he had her on his lap. He held her, promising he would never let her be hurt again. It was a lie. In a matter of time, he would slip back into his father.

  Her family stayed one more day. They had planned to stay the week, but Katie had told them, she wanted to be alone with Keith. She was afraid of what might happen if they stayed; she couldn’t let them see Keith at his worse. After they were gone, Katie sat on the blankets that were spread over the floor. She picked one up, and wrapped it around her body, trying to remember the scent of her father, but all she could smell was Keith’s cologne. She looked up when she heard feet. Keith stood before her, shirtless, with sweat dripping down his muscular chest.

  “We’ll go see them soon,” he said.

  Katie looked down at her lap, as Keith sat down and leaned his head into it.

  “I promise, Katie, when you’re ready.”

  She took small deep breaths but the tenseness wouldn’t go away. Katie looked at the couch and spotted the Bible. She picked it up and rested it on Keith’s forehead, flipping through the pages. There had to be some comfort in here.

  “Will you read out loud?” he asked.

  She lifted the Bible and looked down at his watery eyes.

  “I don’t know what to read.”

  “Is there anything about finding peace?”

  “Nothing for us,” she said.

  “You mean nothing for me.”

  She placed the Bible on the floor. “No, nothing that can help us.” A thought came to her mind. Words that might be able to help them both. Katie caressed his hair. “There is forgiveness, Keith, we could have that. We just need to believe and ask Jesus, and he will.”

  “That’s pretty simple.” He pushed his lips together.

  “Yes, it is.”

  His chest rose and fell in a rough irregular pattern. At that moment, something sharp grew in her - a deep, searing pain. He looked so broken. Why did he insist he’d killed the child? He had known nothing of it. She pushed any compassion away. He was too cruel for her to love.

  She picked up the Bible and flipped to John 3:16. “For God so…” she read the familiar passage. Maybe God’s word would speak to him since only he could change him. All her efforts had failed. If he only would, then she could get out of this mess.

  Keith sat on the bed in the guest room with the Bible on his lap. He couldn’t turn away from a passage that Katie had highlighted for him. Isaiah 40:22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers.

  He had been looking for the passages Katie used to read to him, when he noticed all the passages she had highlighted. All dealt with scientific facts that had been proven.

  He lay down on the bed. How did they know? He looked up at the ceiling. There must really be a God up there. He took a deep breath and fought the tears. If there really was a God up there then everything else Katie said was true and it was too late for him. He had killed his own child. He grabbed the Bible and threw it against the door. It bounced off as his tears poured forth.

  Keith looked at the Bible that now had a broken spine. He clenched his hands into fists. It was the only gift ever given to him with pure love. He crawled over to it and looked down at the page. His eyes caught another highlighted verse.

  1 John1: 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

  He lay his head down on the Bible pages and inhaled the smell of the ink. Would he really? Something inside of him ached, as if it was drawing him near. Asking him to accept what the passage said. The ache grew as he reread the passage. He got up and turned away. He would never be able to break free of the life his father had made for him. He closed his eyes, and let the passage circulate through his mind. What would it be like to believe; to have that sweet peace that permeated from those passages? It wouldn’t last. He would slip back to who he was made to be and then he would be worse off. Keith stood and walked out of the room. He would leave things as they were.

  EIGHT

  Katie’s eyes popped open. Her hands flew to her mouth. All she could see was the face, a strong face, which neither smiled nor grinned, but looked at her as if it was complacent. She removed her hands and bit down on the tips of her fingers. The man held her down as Keith pierced her skin with something. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her irregular quick breaths, but her heart would not stop pounding the blood through her, making her gasp. It must have been a dream. Just a dream.

  She tried to roll over and look at her husband, but he was right behind her, his arms wrapped around her in a firm hold. He would never physically hurt her. Doubt crept through her. She reached for his hands and tried to lift his arms; however, they grasped her tightly, and would not budge. She looked at the wall. The face filled her mind. “Keith, wake up.”

  Keith sat up, and leaned over her face. “Are you okay?”

  “Let go of me.”

  He caressed her cheek, and whispered in her ear that everything was going to be all right. She closed her eyes, but an image of the face filled her mind. “Please, let me go.”

  He pulled her closer. “I’m going to calm all your fears away.” He kissed her cheek. “Talk to me.”

  What could she tell him? He wouldn’t listen. She just had to keep pretending.

  “It’s been two months, maybe if we started trying for a baby it would help you,” he said.

  Katie squeezed his hand. “I’m fine.” A couple tears fell down her face. “I just had a bad dream about the miscarriage.”

  Keith kissed her tears as he rolled her over to face him. “I love you,” he whispered. “Just push it from your mind.”r />
  If she only could. She looked in his eyes. “I love you, too.” She caressed his cheeks with her thumbs immersing her other fingers in his hair. He smiled even though in the darkness, she could see tears in his eyes.

  “Tell me what to do, Katie, to make you happy.”

  Katie turned her head to the side, and looked at the ceiling as Keith rested his cheek on hers. She felt so small and so weak. She closed her eyes and tried to will herself to go to sleep, but it didn’t work. All she could see was the face. “Just let me rest.”

  He nodded and pulled her firmly into his arms. The last place she wanted to be.

  Katie listened to Keith walk around the room as he got ready for work. She slipped further under the sheets, blackness filling her vision. When the alarm went off this morning she couldn’t bear the thought of getting up and putting on the pot of coffee. The face was still ingrained in her mind. The sheets were pulled down just below her eyes. Keith leaned over her. He half-smiled and bent to give her a kiss. “My sister will be by later.”

  She nodded before he pulled the sheets back above her face, shielding her from the outside world. When she heard the bedroom door close, she rolled over and cried, letting the tears pour forth. She couldn’t get the face out of her mind no matter how much she tried. “I can’t live like this,” she whispered. “I want to die.”

  Sitting up from the bed, she let the sheets fall. The ache that spread through her was intense. She bit on the sheets as she rocked back in forth, but the pressure wouldn’t release. Her whole world seemed to crash around her. Every fantasy, every hope was gone. Her future didn’t seem promising.

  Without looking, Katie opened the drawer of the nightstand, and searched until she felt the cold metal of the gun.

  She clenched it, and removed it from the drawer. Her mind went blank as she raised the black pistol to her forehead and rested the barrel right in between her eyes. The tears poured down her cheeks. “Pull it,” she whispered. “Just pull it.”

  She moved her finger over the trigger, caressing it like a child. “God has already forgiven you.”

  She closed her eyes.

  “Pull.” Katie dropped the pistol on the floor and sprang back as her heart pounded against her chest. The gun landed with a thump on the floor. She picked it up. There was not one finger smudge on it. What kind of gun did he own? She put the pistol back up and buried her face into her hands. What was she going to do? If she couldn’t even pull one trigger, how could she flee?

  Katie wrapped herself in a blanket and found a seat on the couch. Not one inch of her wanted to move. A show on the TV talked about the benefits of exercise. She laughed. She didn’t need to exercise to lose weight. In fact, Keith had commented that she was losing too much. It was true, her clothes hung loose on her body. Maybe now she could have a slice of German chocolate cake.

  Someone knocked on the door. Katie lay down and brought the blanket to her face, but then lowered it. Darkness made her think of the man in her dreams.

  Ashley’s face peeked from behind the door. “Hi, Katie.”

  “Hey.”

  Ashley sat down next to Katie and pulled her into her arms – the now familiar embrace soothed her. Katie leaned her head against her shoulder.

  “How are you?” Ashley asked.

  “I put his pistol to my head.”

  Ashley pulled her closer, clenching her tight as if she feared Katie might actually do it. “Katie?”

  “I couldn’t do it. Not even to get away from him.”

  Ashley caressed Katie’s shoulder. “If you leave him, Katie, you must disappear. You can’t go where he could easily find you. But I don’t know if there is such a place. But I’ll try to help you the best I can. “

  Katie turned to her as a small glow ignited. A plan. Ashley was talking about a plan.

  “You’ll have to act like you still want him,” Ashley said.

  “He knows when I pretend.”

  “He wants you to love him so badly, he’ll let himself be fooled.”

  Katie nodded and leaned back into the couch. Could she really make him believe she loved him? Be tender with him. That’s all she had to do and maybe he wouldn’t realize it. But that wasn’t the only issue to overcome.

  She pushed from Ashley’s arms and walked to her bedroom, leaving her friend on the couch. She picked up the Bible sitting on her nightstand and flipped through the pages. Lately she had been reading it, trying to find words to comfort her, to help her get through this, but she found nothing. Why didn’t the Bible ever deal with the issue of abused wives? If it did she would know what path to take. She had to have God’s favor and to get that she needed to listen to him, something she had failed to do over the last couple years. Katie closed the book and straightened, wrapping her arms around her waist. She needed someone to talk to - someone who Keith would never expect her to meet with.

  Soft steps approached the bedroom. She turned as Ashley leaned against the door frame, her green eyes moist.

  “Do you know a priest I can talk to?”

  A chill swept over her as she slipped into the small room and found a seat on a wooden bench. No ornate crosses or drapery decorated the room - just black drapes that covered the walls. Wasn’t she supposed to make some sign over her chest or something, but she had never been to a catholic church and knew nothing of the rituals. All Ashley had told her to do was slide the little wooden door back when she was ready.

  Katie spotted the door and slid it back. The room instantly filled with the scent of herbs and incense. A low voice quieted and she heard movement. She had interrupted his prayer.

  “How can I help you child?” said a man with a deep voice.

  Katie bit on her bottom lip and fumbled with the rosary Ashley had handed her without telling her why she would need it. “I need guidance, Father. Will you help me?””

  “What do you need help with?”

  Images of an elderly man at least six-feet tall and a head full of gray hair filled her vision. Katie swallowed hard. Not one part of her wanted to speak of her life, but she had come here for one reason. “Father, would it be alright if I left my husband?”

  “Why do you wish to leave him?”

  Katie leaned towards the wall, wishing to see if there was any compassion in his eyes. “He’s abusive towards me,” she whispered.

  “I see.”

  “Would God approve?”

  Something rattled on the wall. She looked down as a pamphlet slipped through an opening landing on a gray bowl. Katie inched her hands towards it and turned it over, reading St. Elizabeth’s Abby. A nunnery. Why would he give her this?

  “The nuns there,” he said breaking into her thoughts. “Hide women in your situation. Please go to them.”

  The paper shook in her hands as she clenched it. A spark of hope filled her. “So God would approve?”

  “My dear, God doesn’t want you to be beaten to death. He has a purpose for you. So leave and only, and I mean only, return to him if he shows true repentance. Do you understand me?”

  He said she should leave and protect herself, but he was just a man. How could she know he spoke God’s words? “I could find no Bible verse to help me.

  “My dear.”

  Katie ran her fingers over the beads - feeling the smooth glass. He probably thought of her as some silly girl, but she needed something to cling to. “Yes, Father?”

  “You are to obey all authority, right?”

  “Yes father.”

  “Even when they tell you to deny Christ?”

  “Oh, no Father.” She shook her head, making a curl bounce off her cheek. “Christians are to stand up for the faith.”

  “Then stand up for your life. Leave.”

  Her breath fled from her as the truth of his words sank in. Tonight, she’d make Keith think she loved him.

  That night, when Keith came home, Katie had a hot steaming pot of stew with ABC noodles in it cooking on the stove. The scent of the seared beef interm
ixed well with the onions and whole tomatoes floated around her. Of all the meals she made, Keith loved this one the best. She walked out of the kitchen wearing a black silk dress that clung to her curves.

  “Hey,” she said, rubbing her fingers.

  Keith smiled and walked over to her. He placed his hands on her hips, and bent down to kiss her cheek. “You look so beautiful.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered and wrapped her arms around his waist.

  “Are you feeling better?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Good.” Keith traced a finger down her cheek. She turned from him and headed to the kitchen. During dinner, she told Keith about a novel idea that she was thinking about, and other few bits of information, and in between spoonfuls of soup, he would stare at her with a smile on his face. Katie bent her face to the side and peered into his dark blue eyes. He really had no clue, did he?

  After dinner, Keith sat on the couch and flipped through the channels until he stopped on a game. Katie slipped on a white slip with lace around the edges. She studied her reflection in the mirror. Every curl seemed in place. She practiced her best smile, batting her eyelashes. Please let him be fooled. Her eyes twinkled. She looked innocent and virginal, the way Keith liked her best.

  She tiptoed out of their bedroom and made her way to him, brushing her fingers over his shoulder.

  He turned around and smiled, biting on the side of his bottom lip. She cringed, taking a step back. Did she really have to do this; give herself to this man before she was able to leave?

  “Come here.” He held out his hands for her. His eyes were wild with excitement.

  She tilted her head to the side. “Why should I?”

  He chuckled and got off the couch. “Because you’ll drive me mad.”

  Good. She turned for the bedroom with him at her heels. She walked in and shut the door after he entered.

  He grasped her and pulled her into his embrace, making her eyes widen. It was easier just to lay there, she realized, as he planted rough kisses on her neck, pushing the straps off her shoulders. The slip fell to the floor, as her body chilled. But she couldn’t just lay there. She had to pretend. She pictured Jeff with his boyish smile - his light blue eyes filled her mind. Her kiss deepened. She would have kissed Jeff like this.