Broken Fairytales Series Box Set (Broken Fairytales, Buried Castles, Shattered Crowns)

by Monica Alexander

  “Let’s try one more place,” I suggested. It was Friday, and Zack had his regular gig at Phil’s Tavern. He never missed work, so even if he’d been MIA all day, he’d be at his job.

  Rachel followed me through the door and up to the bar where we grabbed two seats. I was already on edge after seeing someone who wasn’t Zack in his normal spot on the patio setting up behind the microphone, so Rachel forced me to order a drink. When I tried to order a beer, Rachel shook her head at Nina, the bartender, and ordered her to make me vodka tonic.

  When Nina placed our drinks in front of us, I asked if she could get Phil, the owner, to come out so I could talk to him. If Zack wasn’t at work, maybe Phil would know where he was. I’d met Phil when I’d first gone to see Zack play. He had lived on the island for twenty years, and his bar was his life. He was a big man with red hair and kind blue eyes and a deep, rumbling laugh that shook his protruding stomach when he found something humorous.

  He was also a sweet man who had taken good care of me once he realized who I was dating and refused to let me pay for drinks whenever I came in, which was often. Zack had been working at Phil’s every summer since he’d turned eighteen. I knew he sort of looked up to Phil, who was twenty years old than him and had given him his first job, as almost a second father.

  “Hey Emily,” Phil said, throwing the bar rag over his broad shoulder as he came out of the kitchen. He smiled at me, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I could see the worry lines etched into his ruddy face.

  “Zack’s not playing tonight?” I asked, playing it off as if I’d just come in expecting to sit outside for Zack’s set.

  Phil shook his head. “No, he called me a few hours ago to let me know he wouldn’t be in, so I called Chris in to take his place.”

  I instantly knew Phil was holding back information. He’d said that with too much nonchalance for me not to read into it, but I wasn’t going to probe. If Zack had asked him not to say anything, he wasn’t going to let me know what was going on. No matter how much he liked me, his loyalties lied with Zack.

  “Where is he?” Rachel chimed in, not knowing Phil like I did.

  “Who’s this?” he asked me, his thumb gesturing to Rachel.

  “This is my best friend, Rachel,” I said as Rachel leaned toward Phil, waiting for him to answer her question.

  “She’s feisty,” was all he said as he glanced at Rachel.

  “She is,” Rachel agreed. “So do you know where Zack is?”

  “Yes,” Phil said warily, careful not to give away too much with his expression.

  “Phil, if you speak to him, can you please tell him to call me?” I asked. “I’m worried, and I haven’t heard from him all day.”

  Beside me, Rachel started to speak up, but I stopped her with my hand and shook my head. Thankfully she got the message and stayed quiet.

  “He’s okay, Em,” Phil said, and the way he said it, I knew something had happened to Zack’s mom.

  My heart sunk at the dark thoughts flooding my brain, and I wished Zack would call me. At least he had his family with him. He wasn’t alone, but I could only imagine what he was dealing with. Phil patted my hand a few times before whispering to Nina that our drinks were on him.

  Rachel and I sat sipping vodka tonics as I waited for the phone to ring. Chase met up with us at nine, and I tried to maintain some sort of positivity throughout the night, but it was tough. When we got home around midnight, I put Zack’s sweatshirt on, inhaling his familiar scent that clung to the fabric – clove cigarettes, the beach, and something that was distinctly Zack. It made me feel better but only for a short time.

  By the time I started to drift off to sleep, I was worried beyond belief but had enough alcohol in my system that my eyelids still got heavy. I had just drifted off when my cell phone ringing on my nightstand woke me.

  “Hello,” I said, suddenly wide awake and knowing exactly who it would be.

  “Hey,” Zack said, sounding utterly deflated and exhausted.

  “Zack,” I breathed, so happy to hear his voice. “Thank God! How’s your mom?”

  He sighed heavily, and I heard an ambulance siren in the background. It sounded like he was outside.

  “How did you know?”

  “You’ve never dropped off the radar like that before, and when I went to your house and everyone was gone, I just assumed.”

  He didn’t need to know I talked to Phil.

  Zack sighed again, and I could hear in it the weight he was carrying around. “She’s okay. I’m at a hospital on the mainland. She was having trouble breathing last night, and then she had a few seizures, so my aunts brought her here. It’s been really touch and go all day, but she’s stable for now.” His voice was wavering slightly. “I’ve been with her all day, so I couldn’t call you. I’m sorry. I know you called me a bunch of times.”

  “No, Zack, don’t even worry about it. I’m so sorry about your mom, but I’m glad she’s okay. Do you want me to come meet you at the hospital?”

  There was silence on the line for a few seconds, as if he was weighing his options.

  “No,” he finally said. “It’s late. Go to sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

  “Okay. I’m here if you need me,” I said, wishing it would help ease some of his worry, but I knew it wouldn’t. There wasn’t anything I could do to fix what was wrong.

  “I know,” he said around a sigh, and then I heard the line go dead.

  I didn’t sleep well that night and woke up feeling worse than I had the night before. I went through the motions of lying on the beach and enjoying my time with Rachel, but my mind was elsewhere. I tried to ignore the nagging feeling in my stomach but just couldn’t. I’d felt something shift when I’d been talking to Zack. I wasn’t sure if it was the reality of the situation he was in or the tone in his voice, but a part of me knew that something changed between us.

  When Zack didn’t call me the next day or the day after, I knew I was right. On the fifth day that I hadn’t heard from or seen him, I started to get angry. It was a selfish feeling, but I couldn’t help it. He was dealing with so much, and I shouldn’t expect him to even think of me when he was worried about his mom, but I hated that he refused to let me in when he needed someone the most. My only consolation was that his family was with him. At least he wasn’t alone.

  In an effort to calm myself down, I walked to his house, just like I’d done that first day, expecting to see the same things I’d seen when I peered in the kitchen window – same newspaper on the table, same dishes in the dish drainer, same sandals discarded by the entrance to the living room. They were all there. The house looked untouched.

  I ventured over to Molly’s house to see if maybe one of them had returned and had to fight back tears as I looked in the window to see all traces of them gone. At some point they had returned, packed up their belongings and left the island, the house closed up for the winter. My chest constricted, as I realized Molly hadn’t even said goodbye.

  My shoulders slumped as I walked home. At least Zack wasn’t gone, but of course, where else would he go. He lived on the island year-round. I missed him, and it hurt like hell. What was worse, we were leaving the beach in a week, and I didn’t know if I’d see him again. I was sad, angry, hurt, and worried all at once, and I didn’t know how to cope with any of it. Thunder rumbled noisily overhead, and the rain started when I was halfway home. I burst into tears on the spot, not knowing how else to react. It felt like the world was closing in around me.

  By the time I got home, I was soaked, sobbing uncontrollably, and just wanted to crawl into bed. Rachel met me on the porch, having seen me walking up the road. She wrapped a beach towel around me. Losing all strength, I fell into her and we slid down to the ground where she held me and stroked my hair as I cried.

  Once my sobbing had lessened to a sort of gasping/hiccuping cry, she pulled back and looked at me. “Feel better?”

  I shook my head.

  She hugged me again. “He’ll tur
n up. I know he will. He probably just can’t call you back right now. If his Mom’s in the hospital, then he probably wants to be with her, to make sure she’s getting the best care.”

  I nodded, but I knew it was a lame excuse.

  “Come on,” she said, “you’re soaked. Let’s get you changed, and we’ll do something to take your mind off of Zack, okay?”

  I nodded and let her help me up from the floor of the porch.

  After changing and drying my hair, my hurt turned back into anger. “I’m so mad at him,” I said to Rachel, hating the emotions I was feeling. “He could at least have had the courtesy to call. He should know how worried I am about his mom.”

  “I know,” Rachel said, sitting at my window smoking a cigarette.

  I watched her inhale deeply and blow smoke out into the wet afternoon. The rain had eased up as the storm passed, but the air was still damp and thick.

  “I want one,” I said, turning to face her and gesturing to the pack sitting on the windowsill.

  She raised her eyebrows at me. “Since when do you smoke?”

  “I don’t, but I have before, and now I want a cigarette. Besides since when did you become a full-on smoker,” I challenged accusatorially.

  I still wasn’t convinced that my brother didn’t have more influence on her decisions as of late, but it was her choice, and she seemed okay with the changes she’d made, so I didn’t push the issue. Besides, I was too tired to pick a fight with her. It wasn’t worth it.

  “Okay,” she said ignoring my question as she shook out a cigarette from the pack and handed it to me. “Do you even know how to light it?”

  “Yes,” I said, tersely, grabbing the lighter from her hand and bringing it up to the tip of the cigarette, inhaling as I did so. It tasted gross, but I didn’t care. I blew the smoke out, the tension slipping from my mind ever so slightly.

  We sat together on the wicker trunk, silently inhaling and blowing smoke out the window. I could tell Rachel wanted to say something, but she also knew I didn’t feel like talking. It was just after I’d lit my second cigarette that Chase knocked on my door frame. I looked up at him.

  “If you guys are going to do that, you might want to keep the door closed. The hallway smells like smoke,” he said.

  “We’re adults, Chase,” I snapped at him. “We’re not doing anything wrong.”

  “Em, trust me, I’ve been sneaking around for years because even though it’s legal, Mom and Dad will lecture the shit out of me if they find out I smoke – and I’m just talking about cigarettes. Take my word. Invest in some Febreeze, stick a towel under the door, and keep the fan on and the window open.”

  “Is that all you wanted? To lecture us?” I asked tersely, slipping back into how I used to react to my brother coming into my room.

  “Emily!” Rachel said, stubbing out her cigarette as she looked at me, appalled at my outburst. “Don’t be a bitch to him. He was trying to be nice.”

  “Sorry Chase,” I mumbled, realizing what I’d done. “That was shitty of me.”

  He crossed the room to stand behind Rachel, his arms falling loosely over her shoulders. “It’s fine. I get it. I know you’re on edge right now.”

  “No,” I said softly. “You guys have been great. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

  “Well, don’t snap at me again, but Zack’s downstairs,” Chase told me.

  I felt my eyes get wide “He is?”

  Chase nodded.

  Before I knew what I was doing, I was racing down the stairs, cigarette in hand. Zack was standing on the front porch, just outside the screen door, his hands jammed into his pockets. He looked broken – thinner, as if he’d lost weight in the five days since I’d seen him, and he had dark circles under his eyes. I could tell he hadn’t been sleeping much.

  I flew into him, dropping my cigarette to the ground before wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. I barely felt his arms move around me, holding me loosely in return.

  I pulled back to look at him. “She’s not . . . is she?” I asked, knowing I couldn’t bring myself to say the words out loud.

  Zack shook his head, just a small movement that allowed me to let out the breath I’d been holding, before he hung his head. “I’m so exhausted,” he said wearily.

  I put my hand on his cheek. “I know. You look it. Come inside. We can sit and talk. I’ll get you something to eat. Have you eaten?”

  He shook his head, but I wasn’t sure what he was saying no to. “Let’s sit out here,” he said. “I want to talk to you.”

  We sat down on the porch steps. Zack didn’t take my hand. He just folded his together in his lap.

  “How’s your mom?” I asked, breaking the silence.

  He shrugged. “She’s dying of cancer. She’s not good.”

  “Zack,” I pleaded, wishing he wouldn’t be so flippant about it. It was like he was turning his emotions off.

  He sighed, long and deep. “Em, you know I care about you, right?”

  I nodded, but he didn’t see it. He finally looked over at me.

  “Yes,” I said, my voice coming out in a whisper.

  “You care about me too, right?”

  “Yes, of course I do. Zack, what are you getting at?” I asked, putting my hand on his thigh. He took it and put it back in my lap.

  “Don’t do that. It’ll just make this harder.”

  My stomach flipped and not in a good way. “Make what harder?” I whispered, already knowing the answer.

  “Saying goodbye.”

  “Oh,” I said, realizing what was happening. Then I shook my head a few times, my conviction suddenly fierce. “No. No, Zack. No. I can’t do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “Say goodbye to you. I won’t do that. I care too much about you.”

  He laughed a short, non-humorous laugh that almost sounded mocking. “You need to just forget about me,” he said, his gaze fixed on a far point in the distance.

  “Absolutely not,” I said, reaching for his hand. That time he didn’t push me away.

  “Emily,” he said at the same time he sighed, so my name came out sounding as tired as he was. “I’m not good for you, and I think we both know that.”

  “Like hell you’re not,” I said, the fight in me clear. I was not going to let him go that easily. I would fight for what we had.

  Zack picked up the cigarette butt I’d discarded and flicked it out into the yard. “Em, I don’t think you realize how broken I really am.”

  “I think I have a pretty good idea,” I mumbled.

  He looked over at me, eyes flashing. “Then you know I’m not good for you. You deserve so much more than a guy who can’t get his shit together and has no foreseeable future beyond bartending and playing guitar for a bunch of drunks. You deserve more.”

  “No,” I said, almost automatically. “No way. If this is you ‘caring about me’, it’s fucked up, because you should know me well enough to know that I don’t want more.” I shook my head in frustration. “I want you. Zack, I love you. I don’t care about the rest.”

  He looked over at me, fire blazing in his eyes. I could tell he didn’t like what I’d just told him.

  “Dammit, Emily,” he growled, jerking his hand out of mine. “This is exactly what I didn’t want. This is why I don’t date. I didn’t want someone to fall in love with me.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Well too bad, because I did.”

  Zack took a deep breath, almost to steel himself. “No you didn’t,” he said calmly. “You don’t even know me.”

  “I know enough.”

  “You know what I allowed you to see, and that was pretty much bullshit, so no, you don’t know me. You don’t know half of the shit that I’m dealing with right now.”

  “Then tell me. Let me in, Zack. Let me help you.”

  He shook his head firmly. “No, I’m just, I’m fucking broken, and you can’t fix it. You need go live your life and achieve all the things that you want, b
ecause you are special and amazing, and you’re way too good for me.”

  I let my head drop to my hands, seriously in danger of losing it in front of him. He wasn’t making any sense. Mere days before he had held me close and told me how much he appreciated me taking a chance on him that summer – how much he’d needed me when he didn’t even realize it. Now he was pushing me away? It made no sense. What the hell had happened?

  “Emily, you told me when we first met that you wanted a fairytale life, and you deserve that. I can’t give that to you. All I can offer you is a broken, cracked, melted fairytale, and that’s not good enough.”

  “Fairytales are bullshit,” I snapped, using the same line as he’d used on me, but I meant it. After an imperfect summer with Zack, with highs and lows and everything in between, I no longer wanted the fairytale. It wasn’t real.

  “No, they’re not,” he said quietly. “I’m not going to hold you back from everything you deserve in life any longer. If you stay with me you’ll drown, and I can’t let that happen. You need to go after what you want and forget about me.”

  “What I want is to be with you,” I said firmly.

  “And I want to be alone,” he said and dropped his gaze to his lap as my heart broke into a million pieces.

  I knew then there was no arguing and no amount of fighting that would allow me to keep Zack. He’d made up his mind, and I had to accept it.

  “My mom’s getting really bad,” he said then, his voice cracking. I looked over and saw tears in his eyes.

  “How bad?” I asked, all the fight gone from my voice.

  I could see just how broken he was in that moment, and I knew he needed me to just stop pushing. I took his hand in mine again, being the friend I knew he needed, even though it killed me to do it, knowing he didn’t want me anymore – at least not like I wanted him.

  He looked over at me, exhaustion written all over his face. “Bad. Once she’s well enough to travel, they’ll let me bring her home. I know she doesn’t want to stay in the hospital until the end, so we’ll come back here and then . . . I don’t want to think about it.”