The Supervillain Handbook

by King Oblivion

  Why he’s a badass: He didn’t even have to get his hands dirty to put Matt Murdock, a.k.a. Daredevil, in jail. He got the FBI to do his dirty work for him, getting them to arrest Murdock after convincing them the blind lawyer was Dare-devil and promising to give them the non-existent “Murdock Papers.” Any supervillain who gets the FBI to do his deeds must have some serious mojo.

  If he had a superpower, it would be: He’s one of those fat-looking guys who are actually all muscle, so I’m gonna go with super strength.

  David Cain

  Known for: Being the late-’90s Batgirl’s dad, training Batman, being some kind of crazy-awesome assassin.

  Why he’s a badass: Cain got hired to frame Bruce Wayne for killing his girlfriend, Vesper Fairchild. Why’d he agree to take the job? Because he wanted to see if Batman was worthy of spending time with his daughter, who just happened to be going around town dressed in a Batgirl costume. That’s messed up. Also, he has proven that 1) he can escape from prison whenever he wants and 2) he won’t die, despite being shot point-blank.

  If he had a superpower, it would be: If you can break into Wayne Manor and kill Batman’s ladyfriend, then you must be some kind of ghost . . . so ghostery.

  Justin Hammer

  Known for: Having a really cool name, being a billionaire industrialist, spending his free time screwing things up for fellow billionaire industrialist Iron Man.

  Why he’s a badass: After finding out he was about to die, Hammer decided he would put off death for a little while, at least, not before ruining Tony Stark and his little wispy mustache. So he built a space station for himself and decided to inject Iron Man with nanites that made him cry like a little girl. Also, the guy has financed approximately eighty- hundred other villains.

  If he had a superpower, it would be: The ability to magically conjure money.

  Rupert Thorne

  Known for: Political corruption, figuring out Batman’s secret identity in Batman: The Animated Series.

  Why he’s a badass: Thorne, not content to simply unsuccessfully torture that little weasel Hugo Strange to figure out Batman’s identity, went to great lengths to finally get it by taking some photos of Batman changing costumes from Vicki Vale. Who knew it could be that easy? Also, he had enough sway to start an anti-Batman campaign through the City Council, get his puppet elected mayor, and get Commissioner Gordon fired.

  If he had a superpower, it would be: Political acumen, the same superpower that Barack Obama has.

  Crossbones

  Known for: Wearing a stylish skull mask, occasionally banging the Red Skull’s daughter, killing Captain America.

  Why he’s a badass: Um, he killed Captain America. Okay, so he didn’t exactly do it single-handedly, but he did manage to get in the first shot, so that’s pretty impressive. And Captain America stayed dead for a good long while, which is more than can be said for the accomplishments of Crossbones’ highly super-powered peer, Doomsday (the guy who “killed” Superman), who is actually a total punk.

  If he had a superpower, it would be: The ability to laugh while being punched in the face by Bucky.

  Lex Luthor

  Known for: Baldness, owning a kryptonite ring, managing to retain his position as a legitimate businessman despite being a known criminal who wears brightly colored costumes.

  Why he’s a badass: He’s a regular, bald-headed dude who decides it’s a good idea to take on an invincible alien who can burn you to a crisp with his eyes. It seems kind of stupid, but hey, Luthor’s gotten some pretty good jabs in on Superman, and even managed to get elected president. Oh, and he was responsible for the entire destruction of Gotham City, which is a pretty big deal.

  If he had a superpower, it would be: The ability to return to legitimate business somehow, no matter how many nefarious plots he cooks up.

  Cobra Commander

  Known for: Regularly yelling “retreat!,” running a terrorist organization so confident in its methods that members wear bright red logos on their chests, once being a man.

  Why he’s a badass: After his former right-hand man shot him in the back, Cobra Commander got a little pissed. Want to know what he did? He basically jumped right out of his grave, imprisoned everybody who had ever pissed him off and buried them under a volcano. Now that’s drama. Also, he tried to use cloned dinosaurs to take over the world, as well as giant beams that stole all the gold from Fort Knox.

  If he had a superpower, it would be: Raspiness.

  Dr. Doom

  Known for: Being ridiculously awesome, a stylish metal mask, being really annoyed with Richards.

  Why he’s a badass: There are about a billion examples here, like when he sent Reed Richards’ kids to hell and then showed Richards that he did it via the Fantastic Four’s computer; but how about this one: Dr. Doom tricked Dr. Strange into nearly sacrificing himself so that he could free his mother’s soul from hell. I can’t really say much more than that.

  If he had a superpower, it would be: Yes, I know, Doom’s armor gives him like eighty powers beyond what a normal human can do, including time travel. But if there was one power innate to Doom, I would have to say it’s general kickassitude, if that was a word.*

  * (NOTE TO SELF: Kidnap Merriam and Webster, coerce them.)

  Chapter 7

  Staffing*

  Even with all their problems, henchman can come in pretty handy sometimes.

  * Chapter 7 is sponsored by THE GLOBAL BROTHERHOOD OF MISCREANTS, “You will hire us. Oh. You will.”

  I completely understand the urge to go out into a world full of do-gooders and take on all of herodom, bare-knuckled and full of fire. But it’s not the best idea to go at it alone . . . you’re going to need some help. Preferably, help that is completely loyal to you and entirely open for even the most ridiculous of suggestions. Help that is more than willing to take a punch, or a kick, or even an elbow to the junk. (Yeah, sometimes, superheroes get real.) Help that’s completely expendable, so that when you make your headquarters self-destruct or you need to jump out of a helicopter, you don’t have to worry about who you’re leaving behind.

  That’s where henchmen come in.

  Yes, a disobedient henchman can be a real pain in the ass, and stupid henchmen are pretty much the constant bane of our existence (though they do a hell of a lot for our ever-important superiority complexes). But, hey, you need them. Somebody’s got to build the giant beam that’s going to evaporate all the world’s water; and you’ve got important laughing, monologuing, and image managing to do. Plus, we have a working agreement with the Global Brotherhood of Minions to keep their members employed, and one thing even we won’t mess with is a union boss.

  How Big to Make Your Hench-horde

  “Good help is hard to find.” That’s an old cliché that has more or less turned into an unfunny sitcom punchline.

  It’s also completely wrong, because it implies that good help actually exists. Good (bad) help is impossible to find. That’s why it’s so important that you hire a veritable army of henchmen to carry out your evil schemes. Among the hundreds or thousands of henchmen you may have on staff, at least one will have to know how to do the tasks you ask of them. Unfortunately, it’ll probably only be about one out of every thousand who have any knowledge of things, like fixing your airship or figuring out where the weak point of the superhero headquarters is, or how to set your alarm clock. So it’s just smart planning to simply play the odds.

  Even if they’re all totally clueless, and that is most definitely a possibility, it’s at least fun to watch them get crushed as you send wave after wave of them after the superheroes who want to stop you.

  SUPERVILLAIN HISTORY FACT

  Though widely regarded as a mysterious fluke, Amelia Earhart’s disappearance in 1937 was actually the work of a group of early supervillains who identified the plucky young pilot as a superhero in training. To dispatch Ms. Earhart, the villains kidnapped and trained pilot Charles Lind-bergh’s young son, teaching him the ways of the
villain arts. The child (Baby Goodbye) successfully sent Ms. Earhart’s plane to another dimension, where it still flies today. Ms. Earhart, meanwhile, struck a deal with Baby Goodbye and conducted villainy with him for many years as Mama Terror. The crime duo of Baby Goodbye and Mama Terror is responsible for the disappearance of big-band conductor Glenn Miller and Teamsters President Jimmy Hoffa, among many others.

  Credentials

  There are a number of things you need to make sure your henchmen have on their resumes before you add them to your team. Among those credentials are:

  • Respiration

  • Skin

  • Operating arms and/or legs

  • Bones

  • Organs

  • Four or more working senses

  It also helps for them to have:

  • The ability to speak

  • Elementary-level math skills

  • Walking and/or running ability

  • Minimal fighting skills or some knowledge of what a fight is

  PROFILES IN LAME SUPERVILLAINY

  Signalman

  History: Phil Cobb nearly got laughed out of town when he came to Gotham City and, with no reputation to speak of, tried to recruit a criminal gang. Dejected, he used his brilliant criminal mind to create a gimmick for his criminal doings based on the road signs he saw people obeying. So he created a bright red and yellow costume covered in symbols because he thought that would stop people from laughing at him.

  M.O.: Despite Signalman’s signal gimmick, he preferred to commit regular hooligan-style crimes. Unfortunately, his garish costume managed to attract the attention of Batman rather than the thugs he originally set out to impress. Most of Signal-man’s criminal exploits, then, were quickly halted when Batman decided to take a few seconds to kick him in the face.

  Where to Find Them

  Potential henchmen are everywhere. They’re standing on the side of the road waiting for the landscaping truck to come pick them up. They’re changing the oil in the fryer. They’re toiling in America’s prisons. They’re standing in the nation’s unemployment lines. They’re coming back from wars all over the world and don’t know what to do with themselves. They’re gathering in huge numbers at comic book conventions. They’re graduating from any number of liberal arts colleges.

  If you’re too lazy to do any active recruiting (and hey, who can blame you, since coming up with a pitch-perfect name like ‘The Master Controller’ takes a lot of work and time), there’s an answer for you, too: A staffing firm. Specifically, one which the GBM Local 662 recommended to me as they simultaneously demonstrated how my car trunk door worked on my thumbs. Unions, man.

  So, hey, be sure to contact Hench Head Hunters International today! Triple-H-I will find just the right henchmen for you, or kill trying! (Please hire from them, I beg of you.)

  What you Should Call Them

  When speaking to the group, it’s okay to call your henchmen generic names like “henchmen,” or “minions.” In fact, it might help keep you from gaining any sort of emotional attachment to them, which would be a big mistake. Eventually, they are going to be obliterated into a fine powder. It’s only a matter of time.

  When addressing them individually, you could give them each a number or some kind of barcode or something, but that’s a little generic.

  Why not put a little personality into it, and provide them with some entertaining names that might also be fun to say? As long as it doesn’t lead to your being depressed after their eventual slaughter, it’s a good idea and keeps things around the lair interesting. Plus, if one of your whimsically named henchmen gets eaten alive or something, you can just name another one that same thing and forget about the whole ordeal with your loyal employee being digested slowly over a matter of decades.

  Depending on how many you have on staff, you could even name your henchmen individually or as a full group.

  I’ll give you an example. Let’s say your supervillain persona is something like “Mr. Insomnia.” You use your powers to keep people from sleeping until lack of sleep makes them enter a trance-like state that allows you to control their every action with the slightest suggestion. Simple enough.

  Now, let’s also say that you have two henchmen on staff. Not nearly enough, but you’re new to the game and you’re still trying to prove yourself. You don’t have enough cash on hand to pay anyone (or, you promise to pay them and then don’t). Right now, all you can afford is the two. Okay, so what to call them? You’re going to want to come up with some nicknames that go along with your villain theme. So, maybe “Toss” and “Turn?” Or “Caffeine” and “Sugar?” Or, better yet, “Traffic Noise” and “Barking Dog.” Any of those would work splendidly.

  Let’s skip forward a few years. You’ve been quite successful, and your operations have grown substantially. You’ve got so many henchmen on staff now that it’ll take way too much of your time to come up with individual names for each of them, and your henchmen can’t come up with their own names for you. They can barely even remember to eat every day.

  So, it’s time to come up with a general name for the whole group. Some possibilities might be: “The Zzzzzs” (irony can work), “Bed Bugs,” “The Night Terrors,” “Bloodshots,” “Severe Back Pains,” “MMORPGs.”

  The main thing here is to be creative, and, for the love of crap, never think of them as people . . . or even pets. They are chattel. The only difference is they’ll be chattel with a funny name.

  Potential Henchmen: Everywhere You Look, Including Your Local Department Store

  People have to deal with customers like this every day. Don’t you think they’d get a lot more out of the wicked world of henching? We sure do.

  * * *

  “Listen up, Jared—is it Jared? You’ve . . . you’ve got a little ketchup on your nametag there. I think it might have dripped down from the stain in your half-grown crustache and onto your sternum while you scarfed down handfuls of greasy French fries all afternoon. Look, Jared, I’ve been standing in line here for about four hours now, so I’d prefer you pay attention. I bought this roll of Stik ‘n’ Stay masking tape here yesterday and, son, I’m just going to put it out there for you. This is some of the most embarrassing masking tape I’ve seen in my entire life.

  “Frankly, my friend, I would be ashamed to sell this masking tape to even non-discerning and unintelligent customers. And then there are the people like me, who find your lack of quality masking tape simply insulting.

  “Let me make this a little clearer for you, since you seem to be replaying the theme from ‘The A-Team’ over and over in your head as I tell you this. Actually, first, let me ask you, Jared, what would you consider to be the two main functions of a roll of masking tape? I’ll answer that question for you, since you look like you may be slowly choking on a hunk of congealed chicken fat stuck in your throat. The two main functions of the product are masking and taping. Let me repeat that for you, since your ears are plainly filled with enough waxy buildup to make a life-sized replica of the Pieta: Masking and taping.

  “I’ll start with masking. Let’s take a big slab of this tape here—like so—and affix it to my face, with some makeshift eye holes and a little mouth hole, and some big ears for flare . . . and . . . there we go. Now, tell me Jared, can you still make out my features? Is my face fully obscured or has the purchase of this only semi-opaque masking tape entirely ruined my budding career in lucha libre wrestling as a high-flying sensation named El Gringo Machismo?

  “Let me tell you, the fans at Burro Grande Semi-Professional Wrestling did not appreciate being able to make out my highly defined cheekbones. It ruined the illusion, they said.

  “That’s pathetic, Jared. If I could make a decently identity-hiding mask and had passed that course in vigilantism I took at the community college, I would have broken in and knocked over the snack bar’s soda fountains right there in front of you, you unwashed cretin. And I would have felt good about it. Imagine all that 7-Up right there, all over the f
loor. That would have been on you.

  “Are you listening or is the buzzing in your brain so loud from the time you sat on the speakers at the Crüe concert that you have permanent nerve damage?

  “Let’s move on to the second aspect of this joke of a product: the taping. This one roll of masking tape has ruined no fewer than six VCRs, four voice recorders, two 9-millimeter projectors, some very expensive editing equipment, and a Doberman. And I barely got half an episode of CSI: Miami out of it.

  “Jared! Hey! Pay attention! You can spend all the time you want picturing your sister naked at home, but not on the job, partner. This is my time, damn it.

  “I also would like to point out that this little roll of masking tape’s serviceability as an adhesive was not exactly of the highest standard, either. I placed this stuff —rolled up so that it’s sticky on both sides—on no fewer than twenty-seven toilets all around the state, and only landed ‘News of the Weird’ stories in around four major newspapers. Four, Jared! How many grandmothers do I have to almost permanently attach to toilet seats before I start getting a little recognition in the mainstream media? And, as far as I knew from what I read, there was little to no scarring or need for skin grafting.

  “I blame you, Jared, you middle school dropout. I blame you and this uncaring, shoddy, un-American, filthy, badly located, understocked, pusillanimous, stinkily clienteled discount department store you’ve got going here.”

  “Now give me my forty-nine cents back.”

  * * *

  Does this sound like your life? Consider joining the Global Brotherhood of Minions today! *