The Supervillain Handbook

by King Oblivion

  Cons: Damn near unreachable for you if you need oxygen and have no access to spaceships; gravity issues; re-entry really sucks.

  On the Moon

  Pros: Again with the oxygen/spaceships; great for when your plans have to do with global destruction, because it provides safety and such a great view; instant weight loss.

  Cons: Again with the oxygen/spaceships (again); other villains who always want to blow up the moon; the need for caution, because if the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

  In a Pocket Universe

  Pros: Pretty much infinite space; locals who are often easily made into henchmen armies; cheap and/or free building materials.

  Cons: Possibly too much space, and therefore very easy to get lost; locals who can pretty easily turn on you; portals are fickle little things, and strand you with impunity.

  Hell

  Pros: You’re going to end up there anyway, so it’s good to get a head start; very difficult access, especially for superheroes; lots of possible like-minded collaborators on-hand.

  Cons: Difficult to leave once you complete your plans; the heat; the sodomy can really break your concentration.

  Your Mom’s Basement

  Pros: Cheap rent; a layout you’re already plenty familiar with; free spaghetti.

  Cons: The washer and dryer make a lot of unwanted noise; constant nagging to do chores; a constant reminder that daddy will never come home.

  Chapter 9

  Planning*

  Decoys are always useful.

  * Chapter 9 is sponsored by SUPERVILLAIN ENERGY BAR COMPANY, “Regular energy bars, but these are for supervillains.”

  The Psychomonitor is about to explode with all the readers out there asking this mental question: “Okay, I’ve established my base of operations, put together my persona, set my goals, and gotten my qualifications in order. When do I get to go out there and mess some people up?”

  Once you plan something, Mr. I-ask-really-obvious-questions-of-an-inanimate-book man.

  We supervillains can’t go flying half-cocked into any situation and just start smashing stuff. That’s the superhero’s game. They’re reactive. But we’re proactive, you see. We go out there and make things happen. And we do it with fore-thought.

  Here are some tips to keep in mind when you’re plotting your evil master plan:

  Creativity is key

  It’s fine for you to pull out one of the old classics, like, say, poisoning the city’s water supply. But you have to find new and innovative ways of doing it. Like, what if you figured out a way to change human biology so that water is poisonous to people? Except, don’t do that one. I thought of that one. It’s mine.

  Make it understandable

  We’re talking henchmen-level understandable here. So be sure to include lots of pictures and few words of more than two syllables.

  Go for grandiosity

  Sliding in and near-invisibly robbing a bank is effective and all, but doing it while also causing big explosions or faking an alien invasion is more theatrical, and remember what we talked about in Chapter 1: You’ve got to stoke that flair for the dramatic.

  Keep it in the family

  It’s extraordinarily bad form to go after another supervillain’s nemesis. The only instances in which such a move is allowed are: If they attack you first, in the event of a villain feud or bet, superhero disguise switching, and team villainy.

  Stick with your theme

  If you’re Killbeard the Pirate, a far-reaching political espionage plot isn’t for you. Now, a plan to take over the White House and make it into a ship with which you’ll go conquer Mars, home of your lifelong rival Deathbeard, that’s more like it.

  Don’t aim too high or too low

  Keep it street-level if that’s your speed. If your powers are more cosmic, be sure to think big. A petty thief who attempts to accelerate the entropy in the universe is pretty misguided, as would be a galactic entity that can alter the fiber of space and time trying to crack a safe.

  Make sure you have an out

  Any plan that ends up with you perched on top of a cliff with no escape helicopter or some kind of rocket system that will propel the cliff and you with it to the next state over isn’t a plan you want to have. Trust me on this one.

  Avoid doing things you might regret later

  Guilt is the supervillain’s greatest enemy. You know, after superheroes. So if killing a convent full of nuns is going to make your nights uniformly sleepless, lay off, and consider stomping on some kittens instead.

  With those things in mind, you’re almost ready to meticulously construct your magnum opus. The only remaining step for you to take now is to figure out just what type of plan best fits your v-style. (That’s insider evil slang for “villain style.” We’re way cool, you guys.) You’ve got a wide array of ways to go about your treacherous business, but some we might suggest are:

  The direct approach

  Go in, do your biz, get out. This is a great way to do things for villains who have luxuries like diplomatic immunity or god-like cosmic powers. For those who don’t have those things, it’s a really effective way of thrusting yourself (sometimes literally) into the public eye, but you should also be aware that it’s going to result in your face getting smashed in the public eye as well.

  Subterfuge

  Whether it be a disguise, an invisibility cloak, a device that convinces everyone you encounter that you’re actually their dad, or nothing more than a lot of sneaking around in corridors and ventilation systems, concealing your identity and your nefarious intentions can get you a long way toward accomplishing your goals without having to worry about superheroes or other interference. The downside here, of course, is that once you do turn UN Headquarters into a giant barbecue grill on which you will soon roast the world’s leaders until they hand authority of their nations over to you, no one will know you were behind it. And notoriety is almost as important to the supervillain as success.

  The wool-over-the-eyes routine

  You know what’s fun? Getting a superhero to do all the work for you! Seriously, all you have to do is tell them that some kids are gonna die or a nuclear power plant is melting down, and that they have to do such-and-such to stop it, and they’ll totally do it! So you won’t even have to dirty your hands getting your giant robot armor out of storage and re-activated. Of course, the big setback here is having to deal with the hero once they find out he or she got duped. They’re terrible sports.

  Creating a distraction

  The plan from Training Exercise 1 is a good example. Use some kind of a distraction (another villain, a decoy of yourself, giant monkeys) to lure heroes and other authorities to a location far away from where you’re going to be doing your actual work. Then, sneak in and do your evil deeds. Of course, just like with subterfuge, you get the gold but not the glory.

  The false hope gambit

  This is a great method for first-time villains who are otherwise unknown. Use political rhetoric to get in the public’s good graces or work your way into a superhero team. Gain their trust. Set the trap. Then, when the time is right, bam! Snap down on them faster than Dr. Beartrap’s jaws on Major Ursa. Of course, well-known villains won’t be able to sneak this kind of stuff through, so they’ll have to find some kind of puppet to send in. But that often works pretty well, too. This type of plan requires a lot of patience, though, and having to hang around with so-called “good” people for a large portion of your time. So be prepared for that. Try to find ways to comfort yourself, possibly compulsive masturbation or perhaps a new drug habit.

  The for-its-own-sake approach

  Anyone who’s seen Superman Returns, and has thought about it for like, ten minutes, knows that Lex Luthor’s plan to ruin the planet so he can sell the remaining inhabitable land for exorbitant rates is utterly ridiculous. What good is money on a ruined planet where there’ll barely be anyone to buy stuff from, right? But obviously none of that really matters. All Lex was do
ing, and all you’ll be doing if you choose this plan, is using the pretense of profit to engage in wanton worldwide destruction. And there ain’t nothing wrong (or, I guess, right) with that. You should note, though, that people, especially comic fans, will constantly point out how stupid your plans were. Like, all the time. Some will mention it every day for the remainder of their pitiable lives. So it’s probably better not to Google your name.

  The way-too-complicated-to-even-make-sense approach

  This type of plan is actually composed of several, if not dozens, of smaller plans. It may involve variations on every type of plan already mentioned, plus quite possibly several others even we have never thought of. The only real requirement here is that the whole thing be very, very long and almost obnoxiously over-thought. The best thing about these, as if I even have to really mention this, is that it runs superheroes plain old ragged to the point where, once they have ascended your meticulously constructed tower to the heavens, which is designed to harness the ionic energy in the air to power your device designed to reverse the earth’s polarity, thereby allowing you to open a luxury resort in the Yukon Territory (or maybe cause the ice caps to melt and put lots of the world’s major city’s underwater, however you want to go with it), they’ll be so tired and worn out that all you’ll have to do is thump them and they’ll tumble over like a bag full of rocks. Now, you should be aware that it’s going to be pretty exhausting for you, too. Getting the child you kidnapped from an orphanage and brainwashed to be the perfect politician elected president and then triggering him or her to declare war on all superheroes is downright exhausting, even if you’re keeping your distance and managing the whole thing from a secluded bunker filled with TV screens. I mean, lots and lots of things have to go right for these plans, which can take months, if not years, to go just the way you want them to. And there are lots of people out there who can’t stand to see us actually accomplish anything.

  All I’m saying is, get your fist ready, cause you’re probably going to need to shake it!

  SUPERVILLAIN HISTORY FACT

  Despite the many nicknames which would seem to indicate otherwise, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates has never been a supervillain. Gates is merely a robot puppet created by the A.I. known as MICROSOFT, which is actually a sentient, evil being which aims to infect every computer and person in the world with a virus within the next twenty-five years.

  The Other Type of Planning: Financial

  While you may think you exist completely outside the bounds of regular society (and yes, we do tend to laugh malevolently at most cultures’ so-called “rules” and hardly ever pick up after our dogs), like it or not, you’re going to need money.

  Yes, it’s easy enough to steal a death ray or a teleportation machine if it’s on a train from London to New York (of course, this would happen in the future, after they develop ocean trains), but what if you have to build your super-weapon yourself? Sure, you could steal all the parts and put it together on your own, but that shit’s hard.

  So whatever your situation—buying the finished death ray, buying the parts or hiring people to put it together for you; face it, kid, you gotta have that cheese. (That’s street lingo for money. You’ll recall from earlier that we are incredibly hip.)

  How To Get It

  Probably the most obvious way, and the path most villains take is to steal it. And that’s fine. If that’s what works best for you, go with that.

  But theft isn’t everybody’s thing, and that’s okay, too. There are plenty of other ways to get the cash you’re going to need to pay your henchmen (or to at least give off the illusion that you plan to pay them) and any of the various hookers you may hire over the course of a given night of supervillainous loose morals.

  Extortion/black mail

  Profitable and fun! Plenty of your supervillain colleagues (and, for that matter, lots of superheroes and cops) have lots of things they wouldn’t want getting out to their significant others or kids or parish priests (or the police.). For instance, Muy Caliente, the Fire-Breathing Luchadore, likes to have “wrestling matches” with goats every other weekend. Obviously, I can’t use that particular bit of damning information anymore, because I just revealed it to everyone reading this, but it doesn’t matter. There are plenty of other secrets I’m holding onto.*

  Counterfeiting

  All you really need for this one is a good printer, some source material (the plates they use to print bills are pretty easy to come by, as long as you have someone working for you in the government, and we pretty much all do), and some very, very gullible heavy artillery salespeople.

  Black market sales

  You’d be surprised how much someone is willing to pay for a baby carrying a balloon full of heroin inside an illegal assault weapon.

  Pyramid and/or Ponzi schemes

  People are totally willing to give you virtually all their money, as long as you tell them they’ll make a return. Even if you have no proof whatsoever that they will. It’s beautiful.

  Merchandising

  People will pay through the nose for a badly sculpted plastic doo-dad or some low-quality bed sheets as long as it has a picture of someone who vaguely looks like a character from a movie on it . . . especially if it’s mint-in-box. So be sure to put everything in boxes.

  Evil Dentistry

  There are a lot of gold fillings out there in the world. All you need is a diploma and a license, and they can be yours.

  Legitimate business

  Works great for when you’re in court, since you get to use the old “Your honor, I’m just a simple, hard-working entrepreneur” routine on the judge. That’ll always get you out of a lot of jams. Of course, the real problem with legitimate business is the whole work aspect of it, along with hiring employees and obeying labor laws and all that junk. It’s really a lot of trouble. But hey, there are some benefits.

  Advertiser support

  Corporations don’t care who it is putting their name out there, as long as more kids eat their overly sweet breakfast cereals.

  Magically creating money out of thin air

  It requires a very specific skill-set (one that In-Genie-ous happens to have), but boy, is it useful. Look into it.

  PROFILES IN LAME SUPERVILLAINY

  Hypno-Hustler

  History: A mysterious fellow known only as Antoine became the Hypno-Hustler and began stealing valuables from club owners and audiences when he played shows with his band, the Mercy Killers. Presumably he did so because he knew disco was on its way out, and he wanted to make sure he had a nice nest egg for the following years, when he would probably be working at the Gap.

  M.O.: The Hypno-Hustler used a pair of special hypnotic goggles to mesmerize club owners and audiences on the nights of his shows and force them to hand over all their money and jewelry to him. Unfortunately for him, Spider-Man discovered the secret to foiling all his well-laid plans: covering his ears.

  Managing Your Money

  You may have a relatively steady income through various illegal means, but that doesn’t mean you should start burning through it like Ignatius Ignition through a billboard. You never know when that flow’s going to shut off when you suddenly get thrown into a federal ultra-maximum security super-prison for no good reason. And you’re not going to want to have to come back and rebuild your whole operation from scratch. So here are some tips for keeping or even growing your nest egg.

  Spend wisely

  In fact, don’t spend when you don’t have to. For instance, you can offer to pay that assassin to kill your nemesis, but kill him or her afterward. Or you could hire an engineer to build your underwater headquarters for you, and when it comes time to pay him, you kill him or her. Or say you employ someone to handle your finances for you, but as soon as he or she asks for any of that money they’ve been handling, kill him or her. In fact, the only circumstance in which you should actually pay anyone is if they are immortal or if you could somehow need them for something in the future. But we can’t think
of any reasons why you would.

  Make good investments

  An example of a good investment would be a teleportation device that you could use to transport all of the gold they keep in Fort Knox (or wherever they keep in now) to your personal vault.

  Keep it laundered

  Tie it up in things like candy, ice cream, and garbage collection companies. You know, things that could never be associated with criminal activity.

  Don’t spend extravagantly

  Do you really need the XT-9000 model Natchez brand death ray when you get the XT-8500 for nearly $40,000 less? Couldn’t you live with the smaller death ray? It’s cheaper, it will kill a whole lot of people, too, and you’ll maintain your sizable bank account. (Though, we do have to say, the XT-9000 is really great. Oh, you know what’s better, though? The XR-99666. Man, that thing is sweet. We probably wouldn’t settle for less.)