The Supervillain Handbook
Page 12
1969
The whole world is fooled into thinking a man has walked on the moon for the first time. In fact, Neil Armstrong walked on a full-size replica moon the ISS placed just a few feet in front of the real moon. (Also, we had already been there many times.)
1973
A group of enterprising supervillains steals Japan and replaces it with a country full of crazy people who watch cartoons in which tentacle monsters rape women.
1974
Having exhausted his usefulness, Richard Nixon resigns as president under duress from his supervillain overlords, who had done all the damage they could do to hotels of a circular shape. Nixon is replaced by a mindless hologram named Gerald Ford.
1977
Supervillain mastermind George Lucas releases Star Wars, the greatest success in mass subliminal suggestion in history. (The suggestion: BUY MY SHIT.) The Psychomonitor is invented to measure its effects.
1979
The ISS stages the Iran hostage crisis to distract people while they construct their new nation-sized underground lair below Spain.
1981
The third supervillain president, Ronald Reagan, is sworn into office. His first unofficial act is to declare that all comics become “grim and gritty,” ushering in the era of the “anti-hero.”
1986
The Battle of the Underground Volcano Vortex results in the destruction of the League of Right Rightness, who had been severely weakened by the Grim and Gritty Act four years earlier. Greenland is also destroyed in the battle, though the ISS leads people to believe it still exists (for a future plan, the details of which cannot be divulged).
1987
With no arch-nemeses left to gum up the works, the ISS begins work on its 150-part World Domination Super-Plan.
1989
The Super-Plan is temporarily held up when all the ISS’ members become obsessed to the point of distraction with a little group called Milli Vanilli.
1990
The revelation that Milli Vanilli had been lip-syncing their songs leads ISS leaders to attempt to recruit the duo as a reward for their incredible deception. The group’s members, Rob and Fab, accept the offer, and commit supervillainy for several years under the name “Millain Vanillains.”
1992
After the resolution of some infighting (with broken bones), work begins anew on the Super-Plan. Cars are made self-aware. Meanwhile, Great Britain’s first and only supervillain prime minister, John Major, is re-elected using the power of his Hypno-Glasses.
1994
The ISS activates U2 singer Bono’s Douchebag Matrix, inspiring a full generation of kids to be total douchebags.
1997
Master Lucas unleashes the special editions of his Star Wars films on the world so that the Psychomonitor can be improved and calibrated.
1999
Villains spread the false rumor that the Y2K bug could destroy the world’s computer systems. This allows them to prepare for the Y2K8 bug, an old-fashioned plan that uses radio signals to cause people to default on their mortgages and destroy the world economy.
2001
Contrary to popular belief, supervillains had no involvement in the 9/11 attacks. But, because they are largely blamed for them, they have to go into hiding, again halting work on the Super-Plan and avoid airports. Several supervillains are victims of “evil profiling.”
2005
Lord Lucas’ final Star Wars film, Revenge of the Sith, is released. The Psychomonitor is perfected.
2007
The ISS begins step twenty-seven in its Super-Plan, creating the International Society of Supervillains website. Its creators are often bored, however, and end up writing a lot of off-topic stuff about pop culture, ice cream flavors and composer Aaron Copland.
2012
ISS co-founder King Oblivion, Ph.D., writes the group’s how-to guide, a clever ruse, which causes its readers to . . .
Well, now you know, dear readers.
Villain Vocabulary: A Glossary for the Evil-doer
annihilate (v.) to destroy completely: I annihilated this timeline using the AnnihiloClock, though by doing so, I also annihilated the Annihilo-Clock and myself.
avarice (n.) the noble cause of greed.
bane (n.) 1. Something or someone that ruins or foils; a superhero; always followed by “my existence”: Mr. Wonderful is the bane of my existence. 2. That guy who broke Batman’s back; really has a lot of great stories if you get a couple beers in him
bow (v.) what you will eventually force everyone to do before you (see “kneel”)
blast (interj.) what you say when you really mean, “shit!”
challenge (v.) call to fight or engage in other competition; (n.) the act of calling into competition; (Note: This word is only allowed in sentences containing the word “dare.”)
childish (adj.) like a stupid baby who is dumb; anything a superhero does
command (n.) everything you say; (v.) what you will hopefully do for a living
cretinous (adj.) idiotic, henchman-like
crush (v.) to smash by squeezing; what you must constantly say you will do to anyone who opposes you
dare (v.) to act with heroic boldness or perhaps ignorant willfulness: Foolish hero! You dare to enter my lair at 3:00 AM, when I have a really big day tomorrow?
death ray (n.) a ray (see “ray”) that causes death (not to be confused with a “hurt ray”)
defile (v.) ruin or spoil; what superheroes regularly do to everything just by being around
demise (n.) a cool and dramatic way to say “death”
destroy (v.) sort of like “annihilate” or “crush;” this will be most of your day
dolt (n.) a stupid, henchmanesque person
doom (n.) the number-one goal
foil (v.) ruin or upend; what superheroes regularly do to plans: Insolent fool! You have foiled my attempt to wrap the entire Pacific Ocean in aluminum foil!
fool (n.) everyone who is not you (and, of course, me)
glorious (adj.) amazing; what it will be like when your plan finally comes to fruition
hamfisted (adj.) clumsy; used to describe any attempt by a superhero to do anything
hatred (n.) the driving force behind everything; the only emotion worth having
hurt ray (n.) does not exist
impending (adj.) coming; pretty much only goes with “doom” or “destruction”
indolent (adj.) slothful, like henchmen
ingenious (adj.) brilliant or clever; should be used to describe all of your plans
insolent (adj.) disobedient, like superheroes (and also henchmen)
justice (n.) revenge
kill (v.) temporarily incapacitate
kneel (v.) what you will eventually force everyone to do before you (see “bow”)
lackey (n.) someone who is subservient; toady; often a cretinous dolt
laser (n.) sort of a ray, kind of (see “ray”)
limitless (adj.) infinite; the only type of power worth fighting for
matter (idiomatic) “no matter,” describing anything a superhero ever does
meddling (v.) also anything a superhero ever does
megalomaniacal (adj.) normal
minion (n.) smaller lackeys
pernicious (adj.) evil or wicked; used mainly for alliterative purposes
pilfer (v.) steal; used mainly for alliterative purposes
pusillanimous (adj.) cowardly; used mainly for alliterative purposes
power (n.) strength or level of control; useless if it is not limitless (see “limitless”)
putrid (adj.) disgusting and foul; superheroish
ray (n.) sort of a laser, kind of (see “laser”)
ray gun (n.) a gun that shoots rays of various kinds (contrary to a common misconception, can be used on people with names other than Ray)
relent (v.) to quit or slacken; what you will regularly command superheroes to do when you are pelting them with walking piranhas
reprobate (n.) a wicked or
depraved person; for villains with skewed senses of justice, average people
repugnant (adj.) sickening or unattractive: Having to watch you two teen heroes make out while I’m trying to fill the city reservoir with ghosts is repugnant!
repulsive (adj.) repugnant: Seriously! This is really damn repulsive! You know what? Fine! Take me to jail! If only to get away from you two!
retreat (v.) run away from a fight; something you will constantly say you never do; something you will do all the time
revenge (n.) justice
ruse (n.) a trick, often carried out using disguises or other artifice; something superheroes somehow deal with by punching it away
sanctimonious (adj.) holier-than-thou; hypocritical; superheroes in a nutshell
sanctum (n.) lair or headquarters; place superheroes like to intrude upon with their sanctimoniousness
seductress (n.) a foxy lady who often fools superheroes into falling for a ruse; not really into me for some reason
submit (v.) what all will do in your presence!
surrender (v.) what you will occasionally do in their presence!
unmatched (adj.) without peer in terms of quality and power; how you should describe all of your plans
unstoppable (adj.) impossible to halt or end; how you should describe all of your plans
vengeance (n.) the act of achieving justice
vengeful (adj.) just; fair
vessel (n.) any vehicle you ride in or pilot: Minions! Enter my vessel, this . . . pedicab!
zap (v.) what you do to superheroes via ray guns; (onomatopoeia) the sound those ray guns make: I will zap you now, do-gooder! [ZAP!]
zounds (interj.) said when you are taken by surprise, which obviously will never happen