Hostile Desires

by Melissa Schroeder

  “I understand that you were one of his victims,” she asked. “James Farrington was convicted of your rape and the deaths of five women.”

  Just hearing his name had her blood icing over. She never spoke his name. She had not since the trial. Some people would call it cowardly. She called it survival.

  “No comment.”

  “Is it true you deliberately put yourself into harm’s way?”

  “No comment.”

  “My source tells me you have a habit of doing this and causing problems with cases.”

  “Your source? Let me guess. He’s a police officer from England, and he gave you all the juicy information.”

  “I can’t reveal my sources.”

  “I have no comment on any of it. If you want to talk to me about it again, I can give you the number to my attorney.”

  She slammed the office phone down. Damn Gerald. She would call him and yell, but it would do no good. In fact, that was exactly what he wanted. She would not give him the satisfaction. In fact, it would be better if she used the lawyer line on him from now on. They had nothing together. No children, no property, and no connection whatsoever. This was just his way of trying to goad her into calling so he could plead his case again. It was not going to work because she would not allow it. He was the most passive-aggressive person she knew. After she had met his family, she understood it. His mother was the same way.

  She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath, using the relaxation methods her therapist had taught her all those years ago. When she opened her eyes, she realized there was one person she wanted to talk to.

  Graeme.

  She grabbed her purse and headed out to find him. Punching the button, she tapped her foot while she waited. If someone was on the trail of her former debacle, then it was going to hit the papers. She needed to warn Del. He knew about it because he’d had her investigated before hiring her. It hadn’t bothered her then. She had expected it. Now though, everyone she worked with, everyone she knew, would find out.

  A couple minutes later, Elle was still agitated when she stepped off the elevator. She knew she shouldn’t be so mad at the reporter, but she didn’t need to be reminded of her past. She lived with it. She dealt with it. It had diddly to do with her career. What she didn’t want to do was lose the respect and trust of those she worked with. She had a feeling this was part of Gerald’s push to get her back to England to help.

  Her heart sank a little when she saw that Graeme wasn’t in his office. The only one in at the moment was Adam.

  “Did you need something?” he asked.

  “I was looking for Graeme.”

  “He’s on his way back. He was following up a lead. But, since you’re here, I need to talk to you about something.”

  “Sure.”

  She followed him into his office and sat down. He closed the door.

  He didn’t say anything until he sat behind his desk.

  “I wanted to talk to you about Jin.”

  She blinked. “Jin?”

  “Yeah. I’ve been by to see her a few times in the last six months, and she doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I just went by yesterday, and she would barely open the door.”

  “Any better? Than what?”

  He sighed and leaned back his chair. “I thought by now she would be moving on, or at least making progress.”

  “So, you have a timetable?”

  “It’s not that. I just wanted to know what to do to help.”

  “And why ask me?”

  “I know your past. As second in command, it’s part of the job. Plus, I know you’ve been counseling her.”

  “I cannot comment on that.” That much was true. Jin had specifically said she did not want Adam to know anything, but Elle didn’t even want to mention that.

  Frustration stamped his facial features. “I just want to help.”

  “You can’t.”

  “There has to be something I can do. I thought by now she would be ready to move on.”

  The anger she had been trying suppress came boiling to the top.

  “Move on?”

  “Yes. I know it’s a process, so I figured in six months, she would at least be able to deal with seeing me, or talking to me.”

  She heard the glimmer of confused male in his voice. Any other day, she would probably give him the benefit of the doubt, but today, her anger overrode any empathy she would normally have.

  “So, you think there is some kind of fucking timeline that she should be on to recover from what was done to her?”

  For the first moment, she saw he realized he might have made a mistake. His eyes widened, either from hearing the anger in her voice, or her use of a vulgar word. It wasn’t that she was a prude, but she didn’t cuss a lot.

  “It’s not that.”

  She jumped to her feet; pain stabbed at her as rage poured through her. She couldn’t stay still with so many different emotions bouncing around inside of her.

  “After what she went through, the degradation, the loss of any kind of control, you think that by the six-month mark, she should be ready to bop on out for mani/pedis and be a regular girl, is that it?”

  He opened his mouth, but she just ignored it. She couldn’t seem to stop.

  “You have no idea what that is like. You have no idea how the whole entire world knows your business, knows exactly what happened to you. You have no idea that the one thing you need is compassion, and you can’t ask for it. Not physically. It hurts somewhere deep inside, and there is not one fucking bloody thing you can do to ease it. You need a gentle touch, but even the thought of someone touching you makes you want to vomit. What’s worse is that people blame you.”

  She wiped away the tears that were now pouring from her eyes.

  “They say you shouldn’t have dressed a certain way. You shouldn’t have been in that part of town. Or maybe, women are just not good on the job, and that somehow this proves it. And the people you need, the ones you thought would always be there for you, turn away from you. Blame, disgust...it doesn’t matter. It is your fault because you can’t get over what was done to you. Well, I’m sorry, Adam. There is no timetable. The rest of her life, she will remember. She will remember what it felt like to be violated in a way that will never heal. Not completely. And until you understand that, you will never be able to help.”

  With that, she turned to walk out of his office. Before she could open the door though, she realized they had an audience. There, standing at the conference table were Drew, Charity, and Cat. The door had been closed, but she knew she had been shouting, and they had heard. Worse, she was a blubbery mess. She said nothing as she opened the door and walked out of Adam’s office. She walked past the team, not making eye contact. She made it all the way to her car before she completely broke down. She leaned against the steering wheel and let the tears fall. When she felt calm enough, she wiped away her tears and forced herself to drive. She needed solace and quiet.

  * * *

  The moment Graeme and Floyd walked into the conference room, Graeme noticed there was definitely a solemn mood. Everyone seemed to stop talking the moment they walked in.

  “What happened?” he asked.

  Drew shook his head and looked at Charity.

  Cat finally stepped forward. “I think you need to talk to Elle.”

  He glanced around for the one person who was missing from the group, other than Elle. Adam.

  He turned and walked into the office and shut the door. Adam was sitting in his chair staring at his computer screen, but he really wasn’t looking at it. If anything, he seemed to be in a trance.

  “What the bloody hell did you do to Elle?” he asked.

  Adam blinked and looked at him. “I asked her for help with Jin. Elle took exception to it.”

  “That’s it?”

  He nodded. “But, at the time, I didn’t know she’d had a call from one of the bloggers here on the island. Apparently, her ex is trying to stir up trouble. He ti
pped them off about her last case in London.”

  “And?” he asked. Adam was definitely being cagey, and that made him worry even more. It was as if he was watching every word he said.

  “She yelled at me, but then she started crying.”

  “You made her cry?” he asked, outrage pumping through his blood. “You are not allowed to make Eleanora cry.”

  The stunned silence in the office should have told him he’d been too loud. Hell, he had been so loud that the crew outside probably heard. Adam gave him a look of regret, and he knew then that Elle had been upset when she left.

  “Don’t bother her any more about Jin.”

  He turned to leave, but Adam’s voice stopped him. “I just wanted help. Jin seems to be losing her grasp on who she was.”

  The anguish he heard in Adam’s voice made him turn around. Graeme studied him. He couldn’t deny that the second in command was definitely suffering.

  “You need to just let her be. You have to accept that she isn’t the woman you knew before. She’s different, and once she learns how to deal with it, she might be able to deal with you. Otherwise, it isn’t about you or anyone else. It’s about her.”

  “I just wanted to make her feel better.”

  “You can’t.”

  Adam cocked his head. “How do you know so much about this?”

  “Hell, Adam, you should know this with your sisters. And that is part of where I learned it. But I had a good friend. An American soldier. She was the best bloody shot. Bold. Would rush right in without hesitation, and saved more than a few asses on the line. One night, she was hanging out with a man she had known for five years. A man she had trained with and fought beside. He attacked her. She fought him off, but it was a close call. She was never the same. You could see it in the way she interacted with her fellow soldiers, and the way she started to hesitate when she did her job. But it was more than that. She didn’t trust her fellow soldiers anymore, and it made her second guess her judgment.”

  “If you’re going to see Elle, make sure you tell her I’m sorry.”

  Graeme nodded as he left.

  Drew came forward first. “I think she was going home.”

  “Thanks,” he said, going into his office to shut everything down. After shutting off the lights, he locked the door and turned to leave.

  “Tell her we were thinking of her,” Cat said.

  He nodded, but Charity stopped him with another comment. “Please text us when you get to her. We’re really worried about her.”

  “I will.”

  He hurried out the door. As he jogged down the steps, he realized he had to make a stop before he went to Elle’s. There was someone who could help her more than Graeme ever could right now. He just hoped that this wouldn’t drive her back into her shell.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Before leaving, and while stuck at traffic lights, Graeme had called Elle, but she hadn’t picked up. As he turned onto his street, he knew not to keep calling. She wasn’t ready to talk over the phone about it, and he didn’t blame her. It sounded like things went to complete shit while he was out working. If he could find that bastard ex of hers, Graeme would beat the hell out of him. He tightened his hands on his steering wheel and ordered himself to calm down.

  He stopped by his landlady’s house to pick up Dumfries, who was barking his head off. As Graeme approached the door, the barking increased in volume. Mrs. Williams opened the door before he reached it.

  “Come, take this pupule dog of yours, Graeme,” the older woman said. From the moment he had rented his house from Mrs. Williams, she had been in love with Dumfries. She didn’t want to keep a dog on her own, as she had in the past, but she loved having one around. It worked out for him because Dumfries did better with someone around. While Dumfries and Mrs. Williams were sometimes at odds over her garden, Graeme knew they both had a grand time together.

  Before Graeme could stop him, Dumfries came barreling out, but instead of jumping on Graeme like he usually did, he took off toward the back of Graeme’s house.

  “Dumfries,” he said, but the dog paid him no heed. He kept on without breaking his pace.

  “Don’t worry,” Mrs. Williams said. “He’s going to see your wahine. She’s sitting on the rocks back there.”

  He glanced at his own driveway a couple doors down, and saw Elle’s little convertible. Graeme had been so intent on picking up Dumfries and going to Elle’s that he hadn’t even seen her car.

  “He’s been going on and on for the last hour. I almost let him out, but I didn’t know if that was the one, or if she could control him.”

  He gave her a smile. “She is definitely the one. Mahalo.”

  He turned to leave, but she stopped him by putting her hand on his arm. When he looked at her, Mrs. Williams wasn’t smiling.

  “She looked sad, Graeme. If you want her to stick around, you need to make her happy.”

  He leaned forward and gave Mrs. Williams a kiss on her cheek. “I will try my best.”

  She frowned. “No try. Do.”

  He smiled as he walked to the rocks where Elle sat. The first thing he thought was that she looked so…solitary. That is until Dumfries reached her. With a happy bark, Dumfries covered her face with kisses, and he could hear her laugh. It danced over the wind to him, and it lifted some of the heaviness from his heart.

  “I was heading over to your house, but stopped by here to get Dumfries.”

  She turned and smiled. He saw the ravages of a good crying jag on her face, but she appeared calm at the moment. Her eyes were red, her face blotchy, and she just looked tired.

  “Aw, love, you’ve been crying.”

  He knew she had been, but he’d hoped not to see it. It made him a coward, but he didn’t care. Women crying was a weakness of his. It was the one thing all of his sisters knew would break him down.

  Her smile faded. “So, you’ve heard.”

  Her voice sounded very small, and he could feel her retreat. He hated it. This was not the Elle he knew. The one he knew was bold and brash, a woman ready to take on anyone who questioned her. She only go like this when they talked of her past.

  “Adam is very sorry.”

  She stiffened at the sound of Adam’s name.

  “I bet he is.”

  “He told me a little bit, but I understand some blogger found out about your work on the case in England?”

  She nodded as he sat down beside her. “Seems my ex got hold of someone here and told them about the case in England.”

  Again, anger swiftly heated his blood. To have been a shitty husband was one thing, but to try and damage her career a second time made him a first rate bastard in Graeme’s opinion.

  “I might have to hunt the bastard down and hurt him.”

  She snorted. “Get in line, but that would mean engaging with him, and he is best left to flounder on his own. Gerald always liked to be the center of attention. If he didn’t get his way, he would do things like this.”

  “Has he always been like this?”

  She looked at him and didn’t say anything for a long time, then nodded. “I’m not sure how he is with other people, but with me, yes. He was always very passive-aggressive. I guess I didn’t realize it right away. His need to control everything overrode all his other actions, but he wasn’t overt. I didn’t realize it until I stepped away from our marriage just how screwed up our relationship was. It’s why he dragged my name through the rags when we divorced. He was mad he didn’t get his way, and instead of fighting for me, he went to the papers and blamed me for everything that went wrong.”

  “Then everyone else piled on?”

  Again, she hesitated. “Did you read the articles?”

  “No.”

  She glanced at him. “How did you know then?”

  “First, you told me before, but it’s human nature. In their minds—and in his—they felt culpable for not protecting you. These people were your friends and, in the end, they couldn’t do what they had
sworn they would do. Add in the fear that they might just suck at their jobs, and lashing out at you was easier than dealing with their own feelings of guilt.”

  “Not my fault that they suck.”

  He chuckled. “There’s my girl. And no, it isn’t your fault. Weak people blame others for their deficiencies.”

  She sighed and looked out over the water.

  “I like it here.”

  “I assumed you did, since you drove here when you were upset. Did you come to see me?”

  She looked at him. “I knew you weren’t here.”

  She sounded like she was hedging the real answer. “But you came here.”

  With a sigh, she looked out at the water again. “It’s tranquil.”

  She had been there just a couple of times, but she came there when she needed solace. That should be enough, but it wasn’t. He waited her out. Sometimes with Elle, it was best to wait until she worked through her thoughts.

  “Fine.” She looked at him. “I like being here because it’s like being closer to you. Happy?”

  “Ecstatic,” he said with a smile.

  She wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her head on her knees. Dumfries had wandered off to explore the yard.

  “You’re going to be difficult to deal with now, aren’t you?” she asked.

  “Admit it, love. I am always difficult. But I promise I’m worth it.”

  She smiled. “That you are.”

  He looked out at the water. “Adam is kind of lost when it comes to Jin.”

  Silence greeted that comment. For a long moment, he wasn’t sure if she would respond.

  “It shows,” she said.

  Good. Her voice was no longer as harsh as it was before. “I take it he really messed up today.”

  “A bit, but I am more concerned about what the team will think of me. I don’t want them to think I’m unfit.”

  “They’re worried about you.”

  Again, she said nothing. He looked at her then.

  “Worried?” she asked.

  “Yeah. Cat said to tell you they were thinking of you.”

  “That was sweet.”