Frenemy of the People

by Nora Olsen

  “I banged my head against the toilet,” Clarissa said.

  The officer turned to Desi. “So what were you doing all night, Desiree?” he asked.

  Oh, now we are well and royally screwed, I thought. Desi was standing in an awkward hunched position, her head craning forward, as uncomfortable-looking as a girl could be.

  “Sleeping mostly,” she said. “But I woke up a lot.”

  “And why is that?”

  “My sister, she kept puking. She kept running to the bathroom. It was loud. And I was worried about her.”

  Clarissa suddenly bolted off the porch and leaned over the flower bed. She vomited copiously.

  “Just like that,” said Desi, flashing a smile.

  “Can I go inside now?” Clarissa asked pitifully. “I want to call my mom.”

  The cop nodded, and Clarissa went inside.

  “And was Lexie there too? Or did she leave?” the cop asked Desi.

  “Yes, she kept waking up too, to see if Clarissa was all right. We were all sleeping in the same room because it was a slumber party. Did you know Clarissa and Lexie are lesbian girlfriends?”

  “You don’t have to get into that,” my dad said. The cop made a strangled sound.

  “Is everything all right? I’m scared,” Desi said, blinking up at the cop.

  “Don’t be scared,” he told her. “You’re not accused of anything.”

  “Don’t you know that people with Down syndrome are incapable of lying?” my dad said.

  I thought that was going too far, but the officer flipped his book closed and said, “I believe it, sir. They’re like angels from heaven. Have a good night.”

  We all went inside quickly, before the cop could change his mind. Desi ran up the stairs after Clarissa, and I was left all alone with my father.

  “Lexie, what did you do?” he asked grimly.

  “Um, would you believe nothing?”

  “No, I would not. I’m going to tell your mother about this first thing in the morning. I’m going to call her, and she’ll know what the hell to do with you. I’m at a loss. We’ll discuss this in the morning.”

  I went upstairs. Desi and Clarissa were laughing and hugging.

  “You guys were amazing,” I said. “Des, you played that cop like an ocarina! That was brilliant. And Clarissa, how did you throw up like that?”

  “As scared as I was, it was not hard,” Clarissa said. “Mind over matter.”

  “We did it!” Desi said. “We are good actresses. Maybe we should all try out for the play this year.”

  “Your dad was so cool,” Clarissa said.

  We talked deliriously for another few minutes, then Clarissa’s phone rang. I heard her talking to her mom on the phone, but my tiredness caught up with me and I fell asleep.

  Clarissa’s mom came for them at the crack of dawn, she was so worried, but I slept until almost eleven. When I finally went downstairs, my dad was sitting in the entertainment room poking at his iPad. When he looked up, his face was like a thundercloud.

  “Was this you?” he asked, turning the screen around and bringing the Poughkeepsie Journal app to the front.

  Foreclosed Home Destroyed by Dozers in the Night, the headline read. Could anarchists be to blame? was the subheading.

  “Umm,” I said. I wanted to lie, but he obviously knew.

  “The less I know, the better,” he said. “You are grounded, until forever. What is wrong with you? You’re probably defective. I’m sending you to a shrink, and if he says you should be locked up, I won’t even blink before I do it. And I am sending you to military school. On second thought, I’m not. They would probably teach you to make bombs or something. I told your mother she has to stop going on business trips so she can keep an eye on you.”

  “I’m sorry, Dad,” I said, but he was not done.

  “You want to know what’s really hilarious? I got an e-mail this morning from Simon’s Rock College saying you had been accepted into their January class. You didn’t even have my permission to apply! You’ll be lucky if I let you leave the house in January, let alone go to college.”

  “Dad,” I interrupted. “I really appreciate your helping me out last night.”

  “What else do you expect?” he said irritably. “Do you think that would make me look good? It would be a big scandal.”

  “It’s not just that though, right?” I pressed him. “You covered up for me because you love me.” My voice broke a little on the word love. I wasn’t even embarrassed because I was sure I was right.

  “I don’t want to see my own kid go to jail,” he said. “There’s such a thing as loyalty, you know. It would be like wearing a wire and turning in the traders I worked with at Golden Slacks.”

  I sniffed a little, I was so moved.

  “Cut it out,” he said. “Don’t cry. I’m going to talk to Sheriff Anderson. We’re golf buddies. He’ll make sure nothing more comes of this.”

  I smiled happily. My dad loves me, I thought to myself. He doesn’t want to see me go to jail.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Clarissa

  “Wow, it looks amazing!” I said, as we walked through a balloon arch anchored to two cardboard pineapples. The gym had been decorated in a Hawaiian luau theme. A tropical banner featuring an exotic bird told us to Party in Paradise. Mylar balloons in the shape of palm trees floated in the air. There was some kind of sparkly blue stuff that was probably supposed to be a waterfall hanging from one wall, while another wall sported a sunset. The basketball nets had been covered with grass skirts, and the DJ’s stage was next to a big treasure chest. All the chaperones were wearing Hawaiian shirts and had plastic flower garlands around their necks.

  “It still smells awful,” Lexie said.

  “You hush,” I said, grabbing her hand. “The decorating committee worked all night putting this stuff up. Jenna had to drink Red Bull and take NoDoz.”

  “I’ll be quiet,” Lexie promised. “I should be voted off the island for criticizing it. I love celebrating the exploitation of a native culture. You know there are almost no native birds in Hawaii, right, because of human impact?” She pointed to the bird on the Party in Paradise banner.

  “Hush,” I repeated.

  I spotted my parents at the punch station, but they had promised not to bother me. I wasn’t planning to acknowledge them unless maybe they were serving me some punch, when it would be a little weird not to say anything. My dad looked moderately studly in his Hawaiian shirt. He was in a really good mood today because someone had run into our Beemer while it was parked on the street in front of Mrs. Honeycutt’s, and we were going to get a bunch of insurance money. He said his financial plan for the coming year was to turn the Beemer around and expose its other side.

  I felt nervous walking into the gym holding Lexie’s hand. I had never done anything so visibly queer before. But it would be über depressing to drag my girlfriend to homecoming and then be too chicken to hold hands. I figured there was a better chance of hearing catty comments in the girls’ bathroom or on Facebook than there was of some overt homophobia on the dance floor.

  No one acted like it was a big deal. Some girl from equestrian club smiled at me and said, “I hope Desi wins.” It seemed like the whole queer thing was upstaged by Desi, who was big news.

  “Did you vote for her?” I demanded. Maybe everyone was smiling and saying they hoped Desi would win, but they had all actually voted for someone else. The voting had been done online, and everyone had a secret ballot.

  “Umm, I actually forgot to vote,” the girl said. “But I hope she wins.”

  “You forgot?” I said. “Where’s your school spirit? Didn’t you get one of Desi’s cupcakes? They were delicious, even if they were vegan.”

  “Leave her alone,” Lexie said, jerking me away from the girl.

  I saw Mr. Viscount, the vice principal, glowering at us. It wasn’t an antigay glower, it was a You brought cops to my school glower. I had never been on Mr. Viscount’s radar befor
e, but Lexie and I had been called into the office separately and been questioned by the cops. We stuck to our story, and no one questioned Desi, so we were okay, but now Viscount hated us. I just really hoped Desi never slipped up and told our parents. They were the only people who would believe what Desi could tell them. Our parents were so innocent they had never connected all the dots, and they would be shocked.

  “Let’s go get our pictures taken,” I said.

  We got in line at the photo backdrop. Couples, and sometimes groups of friends, stood next to giant Easter Island statue cutouts and had their pictures snapped by a professional photographer.

  “Don’t say anything about how Easter Island is not Hawaii,” I warned Lexie. “You try decorating a gym on a small budget. I bet it’s hard.”

  “Did you know Easter Island used to be covered by tons of trees, but the islanders chopped them all down? And then their soil got eroded and the climate changed and everything went downhill for them. So when the first white people showed up, they were all like, Who put up these amazing statues? It couldn’t possibly be these raggedy people who live here now.”

  The photographer gestured to us. “Your turn.”

  I positioned myself slightly in front of Lexie. I was relieved Lexie knew the traditional photo stance and put her hands on my waist. I knew we looked great together. I was wearing a strapless pink gown with a puffy skirt with an appliquéd flower on it. The skirt spun when I turned. I had been really worried about the dress because I was broke. Lexie had presented me with that dress and another dress that was kind of tacky. Mrs. Honeycutt, whose basement we were staying in temporarily, had altered this one to fit me better. Lexie swore she hadn’t spent a dime on the dresses, but she wouldn’t tell me where they came from. My only concern was that my summer tan line hadn’t faded completely, and I thought the bathing suit lines on my shoulders looked stupid. But I was pretty sure my hair looked amazing.

  Lexie looked wonderful. She was wearing a navy tuxedo with satin lapels and barrel sleeves. It looked great against her pale skin, and she had styled her hair into a fauxhawk.

  Lexie wore one other fashion accessory, which couldn’t be seen under the pant leg of her tux. This was an ankle bracelet containing a GPS device. Her parents had made her wear this following the bulldozer incident, so they could keep track of where Lexie was at all times. There was another one in her car that even kept track of whether she was going over the speed limit. I thought that normal parents would just spend more time with their kid if they were so worried about her instead of buying all these devices, but I guess her parents didn’t roll like that. Lexie hadn’t figured out a way to hack either of the GPS devices yet. She didn’t mind seeing the shrink. Lexie said the shrink was really nice, but she didn’t like being treated like a prisoner.

  “Smile!” The camera flashed. The photographer’s assistant beckoned us over to the screen to see what the picture looked like. It was perfect. I was afraid Lexie would be pouting, but she just looked sultry.

  “I look so skinny. We’ll take two of these,” I told the photographer’s assistant. “If I have to move to Arizona, we’ll need something to remember each other by.”

  “Let’s not think about that,” said Lexie, squeezing my hand.

  I had been having nightmares about moving to Arizona and starting a new life of cleaning ostrich poop. I knew Lexie was worried about it too. But we never talked about it because it was just too depressing.

  We drifted over to the dance floor. But no sooner had we begun dancing when the DJ, who was on a small stage, cut the music and handed the microphone to the senior class president.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” she announced. “Thank you for coming to the homecoming dance, and for all your spirit during homecoming week. Now it’s time to announce the homecoming court.”

  “Our prince is…Ty Williams.”

  Ty Williams raced up to the stage, grinning. Ty is this dude bro type who always wears cargo pants and a shirt with a popped collar. He goes out with Heather Barrington, works at Planet Wings after school, and for whatever reason is extremely well-liked. Today he was in a suit, but he still chose to pop the collar. The class president gave Ty a sash, and then continued, “Our homecoming king is…Robert Gelisano!”

  Everyone broke into rapturous applause except for some people in the corner who obviously didn’t have any school spirit.

  “You owe me five dollars,” I told Lexie.

  “Boy, is he going to be pissed,” she commented. We both clapped, though.

  Everyone kept clapping and looking around for Slobberin’ Robert. Eventually it became clear he was one of the people lurking in the corner, and he walked slowly over to the stage on his crutches. He had been back at school for four days, and he really hadn’t wanted to come to this dance. He kept saying he wanted to order the Desi For Queen pizza pie special with ham and watch Highlander instead. But I leaned on him pretty hard to show up, and he ended up taking Pacey’s little sister for his date. Slobberin’ Robert was given a crown. He looked the opposite of thrilled.

  “And now for the ladies.”

  My heart was pounding. I tried to look cas, but I hadn’t been this freaked out since we ran over my house with a bulldozer. I hoped I wouldn’t puke, as classic a school dance experience as that would be. I tried to catch Desi’s eyes, but she was standing with some other special-ed girls not looking my way. She was looking calm and expectant. Why was I the one who was a nervous wreck?

  “Our two homecoming attendants are Haileigh Askegaard and Tyreshia Harris.”

  Applause. The two girls came to the stage and accepted their bouquets. Oh God, that meant either Desi was the winner or she got nothing. I glanced at Lexie. She looked awfully anxious herself and put her arm around my waist.

  “And our homecoming queen is…” She paused like it was the Oscars. “Desiree Kirchendorfer!”

  The gym exploded into wild cheers and whistles. Everyone in the gym began chanting Desi! Desi! When school started this fall, hardly anyone knew her name, and now everyone was shouting it. People stamped their feet so much I could feel the vibrations through my high heels. My heart was so full I felt fluttery. Lexie squeezed me in a crushing hug.

  With a demure smile, Desi walked up to the podium with mincing steps. She was wearing a powder-blue dress that came down to her knees, with one ruffled sleeve and one thin strap. Roses and leaves were embroidered on the skirt. My family had been going crazy trying to find a dress that would fit her, look nice, and we could afford. Finally Jenna Park had come up with this one, which someone in her family had worn as a bridesmaid dress. Desi looked terrific. I had spent an hour at least on her makeup.

  The class president placed a glittering tiara on Desi’s head. Desi beamed. I was pretty sure we would never be able to get that tiara off. She would sleep with it, bathe with it, and try to wear it under her riding helmet.

  “Desiree is a very special student,” the class president said. “She has taught us that true beauty is within all of us.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Lexie whispered in my ear. “Desi looks beautiful, regular beautiful. Why is it within?”

  “Shhh,” I said. Lexie was very literal minded. She listened to the actual words people said, and then she would try to argue with them. The content of the class president’s remark was clear to me, even if the actual words didn’t make a ton of sense. She was trying to say that Desi was awesomesauce.

  It looked like the class president planned to say more, but Desi grabbed the microphone. I had heard muttering coming from the bathroom all week as Desi practiced her speech in the mirror, but I had never actually heard the speech. I had decided listening to it would be bad luck. We had spent all our time warning her she might not win.

  “I am so surprised and amazed you chose me for homecoming queen,” Desi said slowly and clearly. “I just can’t believe it. Any of the nominees would be a great homecoming queen. This is one of the most amazing experiences I ever ha
d. I just want to say thank you, and all your dreams can come true. Special thanks to my mom and dad and my sister Clarissa and her lesbian girlfriend Lexie and my boyfriend Bryan and Heather Barrington for helping me. I wish for world peace. Other than that, my next dream is to graduate in June right here from Parlington High School.” Then she smiled and passed the microphone back.

  People cheered and clapped again, and they lined up to hug Desi as she came off the stage. Lexie and I stood watching Desi being thronged by admirers.

  “I am really happy for her,” Lexie said. “She seriously deserves this. And I don’t mean to sound like a naysayer, but it seems like everyone is smugly patting themselves on the back, like being homecoming queen is something they extended from on high down to a lowly girl. So once again, it’s all about them, how nice they are, not really about Desi.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” I said absently, watching the scene. “They don’t even know Desi. They don’t know her like we do. We know the real deal. Anyway, I thought I told you—no negativity at the dance.”

  “If you only knew how hard I’m working just to be here at all and not run screaming—”

  I pinched her butt. “Pipe down. If you’re good, I will reward you later, after the dance. And I don’t mean vegan ice cream.”

  Lexie’s mouth hung open. “Really?”

  Then my parents came over and hugged me. I was pretty sure they hadn’t seen me pinching Lexie’s ass. I wasn’t even mad they had broken the rules about not acknowledging me at the dance. Lexie tactfully faded away so we could have our family moment. My mom looked radiant, and I couldn’t remember when she had last looked so happy. My dad had tears in his eyes. He was turning into a regular crybaby, he cried so much lately.

  “Look, there are so many kids congratulating Desi we couldn’t even get close to her,” Mom marveled.

  “Hope she’ll remember her old parents now that she’s queen,” Dad joked.

  “Did you hear what she said about wanting to graduate from Parlington?” Mom said. “Let’s start looking for an apartment right here in the area.”