Sentinel

by Emerald Dodge

  I stepped to the edge of the group, where a few men moved aside and patted me on the shoulder. “I believe you were telling us about how we’re going to save people?”

  The group cheered again. Dean began his briefing. Every few minutes, he’d glance at me with a little smile.

  Sometimes I smiled back.

  I shut the door to my new house a little too loudly.

  Though I was sure in my decision to have joined the Sentinels an hour earlier, my hands trembled as I walked into the living room. I hadn’t taken my multivitamin in several days and I was sleep-deprived—surely that was the source of my muscle tremors. I just needed to eat and sleep, and then I’d be fine.

  That was probably also why I was unable to summon happiness at being a Sentinel, or speaking with my brother. Or anything.

  “We need to talk,” I said to the empty living room. My team would hear me.

  Ember wandered out of the kitchen. “How was the meeting?”

  “That’s what we need to talk about.”

  Reid and Marco exited their bedroom. Reid’s expression was politely curious, but I could tell from Marco’s squint that he was still angry at me for… what? I couldn’t even remember, nor did I care.

  I took a deep breath. “Bottom line: we’ve been invited to join the Sentinels. I took the invitation, but said you all would decide on your own.”

  “So… are you not on our team anymore?” Marco asked. “You’re a Sentinel now?”

  “No, I’m still on the team.”

  Marco looked confused. “You’re a superhero and a Sentinel? At the same time?”

  “I’m…” I faltered. What the hell was I now? I gave my head a little shake and changed direction. “As long as we’re here, I want to be useful. I want to make the Westerners pay for what they’ve done to us.”

  “Yeah, about that,” Ember said. “How long are we staying here? The way I see it, we found Benjamin, so our next job is finding Isabel, then going home.”

  “And the minor detail of Gregory being here doesn’t matter to you,” Marco said, throwing her a look of disbelief.

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying,” Ember said. “But we’re not Sentinels.” She gave me a significant look. “We’re superheroes.”

  “I’m in,” Reid said.

  Ember’s eyebrows shot up. “What? Just like that? Shouldn’t we talk about this?”

  Reid waved her off. “Why? The Westerners have decimated my camp for years. Now I have a chance to serve with a group that’s actually doing something about them. I’m able to help the Sentinels, so I have a responsibility to do so.”

  “No, you have a responsibility to Saint Catherine,” Ember hissed. “We need to work out a way to get back home. I don’t see what’s complicated about this.”

  “We’re out of the camps,” Reid replied, his voice cold. “Saint Catherine was our camp assignment. And they have a police force. The captives have nobody but the Sentinels.”

  “So you’re just going to drop everything and join a militia? Because of your sense of responsibility? What about your responsibility to your team? To me?”

  “He doesn’t have a responsibility to you,” I cut in. “No more than I do to Benjamin.”

  Ember whirled around and glared at me. “Stop dragging us into your personal problems, Jill.”

  “And speaking of Benjamin, when are you going to stop being a jerk to him?” Marco asked. “He’s not here right now because he doesn’t want to see your face. I can’t say I blame him. You’ve been a butthead since the tribunal.”

  Heat flooded my cheeks. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe Benjamin isn’t blameless here? I’ll stop being a jerk to him when he decides to strap on a pair and tell me the truth about his past.”

  “He did! He told you he was a criminal and now he’s not. He doesn’t have to tell the details.”

  “Yes, he does!”

  “Stop arguing, both of you,” Ember growled. “You’re acting like children.”

  I turned on her. “Oh, the woman who got mad because Reid didn’t ask her for permission to avenge his camp is telling me I’m acting like a baby. That’s rich.”

  Ember’s nostrils flared. “Marco’s right. You have been a jerk since the tribunal. Stop acting like a toddler and just tell us what’s on your mind.”

  “The elders have been selling people into slavery, and you’re asking me why I’m angry? How stupid are you?”

  “Don’t talk like that to her!” Marco yelled. “Patrick talked like that to us and you killed him because of it!”

  “I killed Patrick because… I didn’t kill Patrick, Benjamin’s mother did,” I shot back. “And I’ll talk like that to anyone who actually has to wonder why I’m angry. I just found out that the elders are selling people into slavery. My brother is alive and doesn’t want to talk to me. Benjamin lied to me. I can still feel Matthew’s slimy hands in my pants when I fall asleep. Any one of those reasons is enough to be pissed off!”

  “We’re all angry about what the elders did,” Marco said through gritted teeth. “Gregory is upset that he shot you. Benjamin doesn’t have to tell you everything. And God, get over Matthew, already. You got your revenge on him.” He snorted. “Is this what this is about? He felt you up so now you’re pissed off all the time? Grow up.”

  Ember and Reid gasped.

  “Shut up, Marco.” My low voice was shaking from the effort of holding myself back. The monstrous rage that had driven me to torture Matthew and kill Peter took solid form again.

  I clenched my fist, calculating where Marco was weakest. I settled on his throat; he wouldn’t be able to speak for a week. Punching him would feel so good.

  Marco took a step toward me. “Why? Am I saying something you don’t like? Does the truth hurt?” He shook his head. “No wonder Benjamin doesn’t want to talk to you. The second someone says or does something you disapprove of, you turn into a psycho.”

  “Shut up!” I screamed at him, tears flowing down my face. “Just shut up!”

  “No! You’re a terrible person, a terrible leader, and a terrible friend! I… I wish Reid had taken over the team and you’d stayed with Matthew! We’d all be happier!”

  “Marco! Apologize!” Reid’s thunderous shout reverberated in my chest.

  “How can you say that?” I screamed at Marco. “You know what he’s like!”

  “I know that you have super strength and could kill him with your thumb! Stop acting like he was a threat!”

  “If I fought back, they would’ve whipped Reid nearly to death! I couldn’t do anything!”

  Even as I said it, the truth of Marco’s words sliced me. I had been able to do something, but I’d chosen not to. I could’ve grabbed my team and ran, but instead I’d submitted to Matthew.

  I agreed with Benjamin’s claim that Matthew never had any right to touch me without my permission. I understood now that I had grown up in a cult. All the things that I’d believed so firmly, the code of conduct that had made up my life, were false. That’s what Patrick and Benjamin had been trying to tell me.

  The words hit me like one of Patrick’s psychic shoves: none of it was real.

  Marco was yelling something at me. “—and you could’ve fought back! I don’t want to put up with your emotional problems that you brought on yourself!”

  “Marco, stop talking, now!” Ember shouted. “You have no idea what you’re saying!”

  “No, I won’t stop talking! Jill is acting like she’s some kind of victim! The people the Sentinels rescue are the real victims! I don’t want to put up with her crap. Did you know Gregory was beaten every day while he was a slave? Matthew didn’t even hurt her! It wasn’t like you and Patrick!”

  Ember buried her face in Reid’s chest.

  “Marco, please stop talking,” I whispered.

  None of it was real.

  I’d let myself be a victim all my life even though none of it was real.

  I’d dedicated myself to a system that wasn’t re
al.

  I’d let Matthew grope and molest me to protect Reid from authority that wasn’t real.

  Everything—everything—the elders taught was crafted for the sole purpose of molding people they could control and corrupt. Nothing about my upbringing was safe to believe. I’d believed their teachings about leadership and let myself be a victim of Patrick. I’d believed their teachings about consent and let myself be a victim of Matthew. I’d believed their teachings about the Westerner attacks. I’d believed their teachings about the dangers of leaving the authority umbrella. I’d believed their teachings about education, and beauty, and deprivation, and a million other things.

  All of these beliefs had harmed me in some way.

  And all teachings traced back to the twenty-nine principles.

  There in the living room, with my team yelling at each other, I closed my eyes and let go of the principles, the core of superheroism, imagining the foundation of my very being as nothing more than leaves in the fall wind, blown away forever.

  I expected lightness to replace the crumbling brick of the principles that had held me back, but the emptiness in my chest was not quite what I’d hoped for.

  Marco, Ember, and Reid were still arguing, the anger and pain pouring out like pus from a rotting wound. I held my head, straining for the peace that had seemed so close… just out of my grasp. Where was it? Why didn’t I feel better?

  Marco balled his fists. “Everyone keeps telling me to be quiet, but I’m tired of being quiet!”

  “I think everyone should be quiet and let our neighbors sleep.”

  The shouting ceased.

  I looked up to see Benjamin was standing in the doorway, taking in the pathetic scene in the living area: my blank face, Marco’s fists, Ember clinging to Reid. Benjamin looked somehow even more exhausted than he had that morning in his tent.

  “How much of that did you hear?” I asked dully.

  “Enough to know that this isn’t a conversation to have after the day we’ve had.” He turned to Marco. “Why are they telling you to be quiet?”

  Marco relaxed and crossed his arms. “I pointed out that Jill is being a jerk to everyone because of what Matthew did to her. She needs to freaking get over it and act like a leader.”

  Benjamin paused, then looked at me with an odd expression, as if he didn’t understand what he’d just heard. “What?”

  Emotion rushed into the cavity the principles had left behind. I did not want Benjamin to know about Matthew, and how I’d let myself be a victim. “We all need to take a break and go to bed. I’m going to my room now. This discussion is over.”

  Benjamin’s face softened and he held out his hand to me. “I’d like to go for a walk with you, if you don’t mind.”

  I shoved his arm aside. Before I entered my room, I turned around. “I’m a Sentinel now,” I said to him. “You’re invited to join them, too.”

  I expected him to make a face, but he just looked at his feet.

  “Jill’s right,” Ember said. “We all need to go to bed. I’ll see you guys in the morning.” She broke away from Reid and walked past me to our bedroom. Reid disappeared into the men’s room.

  Benjamin’s confusion had turned into a hard stare directed at Marco. I shut my door with a loud bang, not caring what Benjamin’s problem was.

  While I took off my clothes, I heard the front door open and shut, and then low male voices, tense and sharp. Marco and Benjamin were arguing behind the house.

  I put my pillow over my head, aching for sleep. “Ember?”

  “What?”

  “Can you put me in one of those dreams?”

  There was a long pause. “My telepathy doesn’t work, remember?”

  “Oh.”

  We laid in the dark for a few minutes.

  “Jill?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Marco’s wrong.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean… I mean I know how you feel, and if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.”

  “Thank you.”

  There was another silence.

  “Ember?”

  “Mmm.”

  “I’m sorry for being a jerk earlier.” Maybe the principles didn’t exist, but I still felt bad for calling her stupid.

  “I forgive you.”

  After a while her breathing slowed and I was left awake in the dark, curled up into the fetal position and shivering. Marco’s furious accusations, Benjamin’s gentle face, and Matthew’s whispered words and creeping hands swirled in my mind.

  Beneath it all simmered five words: None of it is real.

  I had to destroy everything I thought I knew. No more principles. No more traits. No more virtues and heroics and… and… purpose.

  No, that wasn’t right.

  I was a Sentinel now. In a very short amount of time I’d be saving people with them—my heart swelled at the thought—and I’d be fulfilling a new purpose. A better purpose. A purer purpose. No lies. No ridiculous hoops and rules. Just serving others and being part of a team.

  That sounds a lot like being a superhero, actually.

  I smiled a little. Maybe the transition wouldn’t be so hard after all. I had two days to adjust. I’d done more in less time. I’d gone from being on the run to being the leader of my team. I’d commanded a rescue effort and saved people in the hurricane shelter. I’d figured out a plan to rescue Benjamin and Isabel.

  I’d left the camps behind only days before, but I’d still clung to my identity as a superhero with all ten fingers. I’d let that identity guide me, push me, pull me, and lead me in my mission to find Benjamin and Isabel. I’d found Benjamin, but Isabel was still in danger—and superheroes did not fight the Westerners. Sentinels did.

  I was a Sentinel now. But what did that ultimately mean?

  The answer came immediately: it meant I had two days to burn the woman called Battlecry to the ground and leave no trace that she had ever lived.

  I set my watch’s alarm for forty-eight hours.

  24

  The next morning found me chopping wood in the backyard.

  I’d crawled out of bed at dawn, the sounds of Liberty waking up in the background, and gasped when my feet had touched the cold hardwood floor.

  Intent on building a fire in the living room, I’d pulled on my warm Sentinel clothes and grabbed the ax leaning behind the water heater in the kitchen. Twenty minutes later, I’d chopped a small stack of firewood.

  With each thud of the ax, Dean’s pseudo-command for me to join his militia pounded itself deeper into my brain. For all my rejection of the principles, I just wasn’t comfortable serving with him. The guy was such a cocky bastard, and cocky bastards were bad leaders.

  At least… that’s what I’d always thought. Superheroes were supposed to be sober, circumspect, and humble. Superhero leaders, even more so. As a superhero leader, I was supposed to rise early and chop wood so my team could eat breakfast in a warm house.

  I lowered my ax. If I was making a decision based on what a superhero was supposed to do… was this yet more brainwashing?

  Well, no. Of course not. I was being a decent human being. Building a fire was a common courtesy—a courtesy based on reverence for my team, and general human kindness.

  You mean the fourth and seventh principles, hero. Gregory’s mental voice whipped at me.

  I gave my head a little shake. “Focus,” I whispered to myself.

  Gregory’s sneering mockery was quick to reply. The tenth principle: attentiveness. I will focus on the tasks assigned to me. Just like a good little minion.

  “The house is cold, kid,” I said aloud. “And I was the first to get up. Take off the floaties, it’s not that deep.”

  I could somehow feel my little brother’s mental self walk away and sulk.

  I checked my watch. As much as I hated to admit it, I had made the decision to chop wood based on the principles. I had only thirty-six more hours to get my act together. No more superhero bullcra
p. No more principles. No more “I’m a superhero, therefore.”

  Thirty-six hours to undo twenty years. Good luck to me.

  The whish-bang of the back door alerted me that I was about to have company. I hoped it was Ember.

  “Morning,” Marco grunted.

  I didn’t turn around. “What do you want?” The thud of the ax echoed around the backyard.

  “I came to apologize.”

  I stopped mid-swing and turned around. “For what?”

  He wouldn’t meet my eyes. “For what I said about Matthew hurting you. I was angry, and that was the cruelest thing I could think of.”

  “You believe it, though. Or else you wouldn’t have said it. Because it can’t hurt if it’s not true, right?”

  He fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “Well, I mean… he didn’t try to rape you, like Patrick did with Ember. All he did was touch you, and then you tortured him. It’s over now. I really think you should just move on. You’re so mad now, all the time. I can see it in how you hold yourself and how you look at people. You’ve got this rage inside.”

  His apology, such as it was, didn’t soothe the emptiness in my chest. “I am angry. But it’s not about Matthew. Well, maybe Matthew. It’s all those things I mentioned last night.”

  Marco’s large eyes finally found my face. “Be angry, then, but don’t be angry at us, Jill. We haven’t done anything to you. Take out your anger on people who deserve it, like the Westerners. Talk to Benjamin. He was upset that I was being mean to you last night.” He let out a long breath. “Really upset. He can get intense when he wants to.”

  Before I could ask for details, Reid bounded out the door and down the back steps, pulling on his Sentinel gear. “Hey, Jill, I want to go talk to Dean about joining. Maybe I can help with information about the past attacks in Idaho.”

  “Sure. Are Ember and Benjamin coming?”

  He grimaced. “No. Ember won’t have anything to do with them and Benjamin said, and I quote, ‘I heal people, not butcher them.’ He’s at the little medical building now, taking care of the flu patients.”